At this point, I know my journey is not a unique one. I can look back on my childhood, my dating history, my sexual relationships and encounters and see that I’ve always craved to experience all of these things through a feminine lens.
When I was a kid, I said prayers every night to wake up as a girl. I always wanted boobs. I wanted hips. I wanted to interact with the world as a girl would. Through the years, I disguised those feelings by dating women. Now I see that I was really just trying to get as close to femininity as I could. Sex always sucked. I’ve never once been able to perform the way a man should, whether I was with a woman or a man. And it’s because I needed to fulfill a woman’s role during sex. I needed to be seen as a woman and treated like a woman. I wanted boobs and in all sincerity, I wanted to be submissive and get fucked.
It’s always been unfathomable to me that given the choice, anyone alive would choose to be anything other than a woman. I could never wrap my head around it.
I’m starting to take steps on this journey toward femininity and womanhood. I plan on living as a woman for the rest of my life. I’m scared, but I’m also desperate to feel like I’m finally living my life authentically.
Sorry for the word vomit. It’s been a long week.
—Autumn
