to be determined

[auvrie]

I want to mean enough to someone for them to care about my needs.

[auvrie]

10 years

Today would've been our 10 year anniversary.

That's so crazy to think about.

And I'm so glad.

Glad that it isn't.

Glad that I feel finally appreciated in ways you hadnt appreciated me in years.

Glad that today isn't significant anymore.

But then I remember back to last year, to the bed & breakfast we went to, to the game store you found where you bought us new board games to play together, where we had our anniversary meal that night..

But I also remember how you didn't want to do any of it. I had to beg to do anything for our anniversary, to go anywhere because you weren't interested in doing a single thing. How I planned the Bed & Breakfast, how I wanted the souvenir mug, how we didn't even have sex once on our whole trip...

I'm so glad.

Someone, whether it's this one, or someone else, will see me for all that I am, all that I'm worth and love it. Love me so hard, so deeply that they will never make me feel the way you made me feel.

I deserve someone to love me the way I loved you.

January 27th is now just another day on the calendar.

Thank. God.

[auvrie]

Sometimes dying would be easier than explaining how I feel.

Disappearing, ceasing to be, hoping you would notice me then... Would be easier than feeling so unseen now.

I can't articulate why I feel the way I do. Maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's the disgust I feel towards this vessel that houses my soul.

How much is different since I started feeling this way. My body has grown but my confidence is dwindling..

How much easier it would be if I didn't eat this or that.. or anything. How much more id feel in control...

Maybe just how much more you'd understand me, if I felt confident enough to let you in.

I know my feelings are stupid, irrational and annoying..

I know Im annoying, irrational, and stupid.

I just want one day to feel like I'm not, instead of the screw up I am.

[auvrie]

I lost a piece of my soul today. My baby boy passed away in his sleep before I could wake up to be with him. He just turned 10 a week ago. My heart aches. I miss him so much. I don't think there will ever be a day where I don't miss him. He was such a special boy.. I'm devastated. I love you so much Tane I hope you are up in the cosmos watching over me 💔

[auvrie]

Recognition..

Thank you for saying you appreciate me having helped pay for your bills for 2+ months while you were out of a job

Thank you for saying you're going to help me pay back these loans I have to ask our family and friends for to fix this issue

My car being repossessed.

You know the car I was behind on payments for because I had to pay bills for you instead.

Because you were fired from your 5th.. 6th..? Job

Because it took a long time to find a new job for you... Maybe because you weren't looking very hard?

I love you, still do, even though me helping you has royally fucked me. I just hope that this incites change, reflection.. because this has greatly affected me and my credit for years to come.

7 years to be precise.

[auvrie]

Wanna know a secret?

I hate myself. Don't know why. Just cause. Depression creeps back, consumes me, making me sabotage everything in my life

I feel less than. Less than an adult. Less of a functioning human.

It comes and goes. One week I'm fine, going through life as if it's a cake walk, the next... I can't leave my house.

Another secret: I wish this would be over already.

[auvrie]

I saw you're talking to her..

And it's your right to.

She was your best friend too.

Or was only ever yours...?

My hatred for that girl shouldn't stop you.

You and her have a completely separate friendship.

That I loathe.

Only because it turns my stomach, makes feelings I haven't felt in a long time come back.

Insecurity.

Jealousy.

Fear.

Fear that I'll be replaced by her.

Fear that you.. will never love me again like your sister.

Fear that no matter what I do I've lost you.

I know I deserved to lose you.

I just fear you'll never think that I deserve you back.

[auvrie]

There is only so much one soul can bare.

[auvrie]

One year

It's been a year since I found out your betrayal of my trust.

One full year.

Yet it feels like yesterday.

I can't explain what you took from me.

I still question my friendships with men.

Are they my friend because of me or because they want more from me than I want to give?

You did.

And you took it.

Taking away my consent, my privacy, my security.

This exact time of night one year ago I had locked myself in my room for protection because I felt so sickened and afraid of you.

Bawling my eyes out, trying to wrack my brain around this.

Little did I know the nightmare was far from over.

...

And what's the most fucked up thing?

I miss your friendship. I miss your deep from the belly laugh. I miss feeling like you were one of the few people who I could trust.

And it makes me sick to my stomach to miss you.

You vile, pathetic excuse for a man.

A man who was one of my closest friends.

.

One year ago this very hour I was trying to stop my boyfriend and his group of friends he brought with him from pounding your face in.

I should have let them have at it.

It would have been more justice than the justice system gave me.

I feel so stupid that I didn't notice sooner.

That it started the second you moved back in.

That recording me naked in my bedroom without my knowledge happened numerous times and for months before I caught you.

I'm happy you can't talk to me, see me, interact with me ever again.

I just wish I felt like I have gotten back what you've taken.

It's not back yet.

Hopefully one day.

[auvrie]

I saw your post and really just want to say you're absolutely fucking beautiful and your figure is so fucking fine, all the power to you 😍

Thank you! ☺️

[auvrie]

Weird kind of caption for this, I know but bare with me. Almost a year ago, a dear friend of mine decided it was his right to view my body in a way I never gave him permission to. Since then I've struggled to regain a control on my body positivity. He made me feel shameful that I have a beautiful body, to the point that I stopped wearing any clothes that could show my features off.

I've taken back that power now. I'll do with it as I please

[auvrie]

Sleep

I don't want to go to sleep right now.

I know if I do I'll have to wake up, and when I wake up for a split second I'll have forgotten you're missing, that you're mentally unstable God knows where.

Then It will all crash down on me like a wave that this is my reality. This dread and anxiety and worry and panic and pain.

I love you, mom. Please be okay.

[auvrie]

How?

That's all I keep asking myself.

How did I let this happen?

How did I not know what you were?

How did you fool me?

How will I ever feel safe again?

Yesterday when we found the videos you secretly filmed of me, I was speechless. As if what you did a couple of weeks ago wasnt bad enough, but to learn that wasn't the first time you'd spied on me through the cat door on my bedroom door. Holding your phone's camera up to it to try to get a glimpse of me naked. When I caught you, you denied it. Even when I so clearly saw your phone. Then you lied 10 hours later confessing to what you did, but saying that you'd never have done it before and that there was never any photos. I guess we didn't ask if there were any videos did we? Videos that date back months!

You were my friend. Close friend of 5 YEARS! I never expected any of this from you. And yet this is my reality. Now I'm left with this disgusting feeling. This worry that you had more videos showing me in ways I never gave you permission to view me. I'll get my answers soon enough (at least I hope I will) when they take you in, search your computer and phone. I hope I get my justice. That's the only thing I have to look forward to right now.

[1892]

every student @ the whiteboard when there’s no teacher in the room

[tellyjpg]

sleeping is nice until u wake up and realize ur still sad lol

[tastefullyoffensive]

(via meladoodle)

[mrbenwyatt]