sorry this took me so long to post! (Also this take place April 2024)
“Are you ready?” Nick asks, clutching tightly onto Dallas’ hand. She can feel him shaking, but she knows it’s out of excitement.
The whole day the girl has been on the verge of tears, tears of happiness and tears of the thoughts that she’s growing up before her own eyes. It feels like just yesterday her mom was dressing her in a puffy, white dress ahead of her baptism. Now, she’s dressed in white, ready to give her heart to Nick for forever.
Dallas turns to face him, watching his blue eyes as they shine in a way that makes sense of everything they’re about to accomplish.
“Yes! I have the marriage license now all we have to do is get married,” she cheers, her smile breathtaking and Nick can feel every nerve ending in his body spark with an unconditional love that was always meant for the pair.
“Perfect. You’re perfect, June bug. I can’t believe I get to love you forever,” he whispers and Dallas thinks her heart may explode.
“There’s no other person who can love me the way you do and vice versa,” she says, closing the remaining space between them to press her lips to his.
“Do you think everyone will be mad when they find out we eloped?” Nick asks just before they enter the courthouse.
“Probably, but I don’t care. This is our day and only ours. Do you care?” Dallas really hopes he doesn’t.
“Of course not. You’re my only thought,” he states, pulling her into the courthouse.
Dallas and Nick’s hands and eyes stay connected throughout the entire ceremony. Their hearts beat in tandem as they entwine into one. They both give short versions of their vows, choosing to recite the complete ones in private, but it doesn’t stop them from crying their eyes out.
The moment they’re announced as an official married couple, they pull each other in for a kiss. It’s bruising and full of tongue, but they don’t care. Only when Nick lets out a low moan, they pull away from each other. He lifts her ring-clad hand and kisses the back of it. She repeats his action and Nick feels a flurry of butterflies in his stomach.
As they walk towards the door, they come face to face with their two witnesses, Luca and Sienna.
“Congratulations, oh my goodness you’re so beautiful,” Sienna squeals as she pulls the girl into a bone crushing hug.
“Thank you,” she sighs, happiness being the only thing she feels.
“Congrats guys,” Luca says, pulling Dallas and Nick into a group hug.
“Thank you, Lu.”
“Yes, thank you guys for being here and being our witnesses. It means a lot,” Nick says.
Walking outside, the sun casts on the couple, magnifying their glow. Dallas excitedly drags Nick to the car, pushing him against the hood so she can finally make out with him.
Nick’s hands roam her back, fidgeting with the thin straps of her silky, white dress. He wants to pull them off her delicate shoulders and press kiss after kiss on the bare skin. Dallas fists the collar of his button up, not allowing an ounce of space between their bodies. Her tongue curls around his as they fight for dominance.
“I want you, now,” Dallas says against his mouth as she feels the lust surface to the tips of her fingers as she tries to push at the material of his button up to expose some of his flesh. Her lips need to be all over him.
“Let me take you home,” he responds and Dallas lets out a sigh. He noses at the veins of her neck, inhaling her soft, heavenly perfume he gifted her. The newlyweds find it hard to pull away from each other. Nick can’t help but kiss her lips again.
“I can’t have anyone seeing you the way only I’m meant to see you. Let me take you home and devour you on our bed,” he pulls away to whisper in her ear. If he weren’t holding onto her, she’d crumble into the ground. His raspy voice always makes her weak in the knees.
“Whatever you say, husband,” she cheeses, feeling blissed out on love.
“I love you, wife,” he kisses her but her smile interrupts.
“I love you, husband.” Dallas grins, contagious laughs falling from her lips and she pulls him into a hug.
a/n: I may write a full version of this but i hope y’all enjoy this little blurb!!!
it’s dallas and nick’s wedding day! if for some reason you haven’t read anything from the “so it goes” series go do that right now. then come back to this and celebrate the moldenhauers!
a so it goes fic (7.3k words! def the longest i have ever written)
warnings: angst, insecurities, jealousy, slight physical touch, pettiness, mentions passing out, and I think that’s all but let me know if I missed anything
SUNDAY
“I really don’t think it’s all that crazy,” Nick states, his arm thrown over Dallas’ waist as they lay in his bed.
“Just because it’s crazy, doesn’t mean it’s bad. It’s very crazy if we get married. We’re only 19,” Dallas says through a sleepy voice. They’ve been talking about Nick’s proposal from a month ago. Dallas knows her answer, yes of course, but she still can’t get herself to go through with it. She’s too ridden with fear of their relationship failing because of an early marriage. She just needs a push, though. One push so she can say yes.
“So what? Nathan and Haley got married while they were still in high school. I know our relationship is strong enough to last through anything,” he brings out the big guns, referencing one tree hill, one of their favorite shows to binge together.
“That’s just a show, babe. It isn’t real life.”
“It can be real life for us,” he sighs, hand caressing her cheek as her hand rubs at his shoulder.
Screw it. She’s going to go with her gut and heart and finally answer his question. Maybe they can go browsing at thrift stores for vintage dresses. It is Sunday after all.
“Nick, I love you so much.”
“I love you.”
She kisses his lips, barely brushing against them.
“I will-“
“Nick! You have a visitor!” The couple hear the shout from behind the door.
Nick gives a confused look to Dallas before getting off the bed and getting dressed.
“I’ll be right back,” he says, walking out the door.
Dallas stays frozen, angered that her opportunity got ruined. She gets off the bed, throwing on one of his shirts that has his last name on the back, and follows her boyfriend. When she gets to the front door, she freezes, feeling a sense of discomfort washing over her. Her boyfriend was hugging another girl. Another girl who is absolutely beautiful. She has soft skin, long red hair, and the greenest eyes she’s ever seen. Her smile is beautiful and Dallas thinks she might be feeling jealous. Who is this girl and why is she hugging her boyfriend?
When Nick finally lets go of the unknown girl, he turns around and is quick to spot Dallas. His smile is wide, like a kid on Christmas.
“June, this is a close friend from home, Inez.”
So she has a name. Inez. It’s beautiful and rare to Dallas’ ears.
“Inez, this is Dallas my girl-“
“His fiancée,” Dallas interjects, reaching out her hand for Inez to shake.
“Fiancée? Wow, Nick, you never told me you were getting married. Congrats,” she cheers, although Dallas can hear the surprise in her voice.
Nick’s stuck on Dallas, silently freaking out that she just called herself his fiancée. He’s shocked by her words, not really understanding why she’d introduce herself with that title without even giving him an answer first. He shakes his conflicting thoughts out of his head, not wanting to open up that conversation at the moment.
“Yeah, my fiancée,” he pulls his girl into his arms.
“Well, Dallas, it’s really nice to meet you. I can’t say I’ve heard much about you though,” Dallas grits her teeth, her brain starting to create reasons as to why Nick never brought her up to his friend. She didn’t know that Nick hasn’t talked to Inez in months.
“I can say the same,” she decides to answer with.
“I guess that means we have to get to know each other. I hate to impose, but I really need to shower all the airport off of me. Do you mind, Nick?” Her voice is soft and sweet. Dallas finds it annoying.
“No, go ahead.”
Once she’s out of sight, Dallas turns to Nick with a questioning look.
“Okay, so who are we getting to babysit her while we go to the thrift stores?” Dallas asks, albeit a bit rudely, but she disguises it by leaning up to wrap her arms around his neck.
“She’s not a child. I can’t go to thrift stores today. I need to stay here with Inez,” he says softly. He’s bothered, she can tell by the way he barely touches her.
“It’s Sunday, though. We always go to the thrift stores,” she points out.
“Well, I can’t go today,” Dallas doesn’t know it, but by Nick not going, or suggesting they take Inez, he’s protecting their sunday tradition. He does feel guilty for breaking it, though. They always go to the thrift stores on Sunday unless he has a hockey game or other team requirement.
“Are you serious?” She spits out, already wanting to burst into tears. He’s never put her second to another girl.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he kisses her forehead.
“It’s whatever. I’m going to head out, stick to my Sunday tradition,” she mutters, throwing a low blow at him. The tradition did start off as her own, so she’s letting him know that it’ll always be hers even after involving him.
He feels his heart pang in his chest at her comment.
Dallas trudges through his room, collecting her items and dressing in her clothes. She walks past him, not even saying bye, and makes her way to her car.
If she sped all the way to her favorite thrift store while blaring angry Taylor Swift, well no one had to know.
Dallas hates to admit it, but being at the thrift store doesn’t feel the same without Nick. She kicks herself for being so harsh. She knows she’s in the wrong, and probably being too jealous, but she couldn’t help it. How could he choose Inez over her? Over their sacred tradition.
Sweet, perfect Inez. Dallas rolls her eyes at the mere image of her. Stopping at one of the mirrors in between aisles, she stares at herself. She hates that she’s letting herself dig a hole that she knows she won’t be able to climb out of. She takes a deep breath in, slowly breathing out every insecurity and horrid thought of the girl that now plagued her mind. When she opens her eyes, she spots an old wedding dress. It’s the most beautiful dress she’s ever seen. It has a bunch of lace and it was made in America. It’s also vintage and in perfect condition. A rare find. Dallas immediately puts it in her cart, feeling giddy at the thought of her wearing it when she marries Nick.
About an hour later, Dallas decided to head to checkout, purchasing the dress, a white button up for Nick, and a fancy watch for him as well.
Once back at her own place, in her room she finds an old box that’s ready to be filled with anything that has to do with their wedding. She feels a little crazy thinking about it, but she knows that she wants to marry Nick. She knows that she doesn’t want to wait.
MONDAY
Dallas opens her door to find Nick who immediately pulls her into a bone crushing hug. He noses at her hair, inhaling her addicting scent and kisses her lips a few times.
“I’m sorry. I love you.”
“I love you, Nicky.”
“I hope it’s okay that I brought Inez with me,” and just like that Dallas is back to feeling unwell.
She sucks it up, welcoming the girl into her home. She hopes that her smile didn’t falter enough to show just how much she didn’t like the idea.
“You decorate so nicely,” Inez compliments as she makes herself comfortable on the couch, opposite of Dallas who’s in Nick’s arms.
“Oh, thank you. A lot of it has to do with my roommate and best friend, Sienna. She’s going to be an interior designer,” Dallas says, trying to put on a friendly smile.
“That’s cool!”
“So, how long have you and Nick been friends?” Dallas asks, intertwining her fingers with Nicks.
“Since 5th grade! We have gone through a lot together. Nick has always been the one I do everything with,” Inez says with a sadness to her tone. Her smile isn’t as bright, but it’s still genuine.
“Wow, the 5th grade? That’s a long time. You must know each other very well,” Dallas concludes.
“We do! When I saw the instagram post of your Halloween costumes, I was very surprised. Nick has never really cared for Halloween and doing the whole couples costume thing. As well as when Nick told me he proposed on Valentine’s Day; I was in shock. I’ve never known Nick to like that holiday or be so romantic,” as Inez says all this, Dallas can feel her heart sink into her stomach.
Every word being spoken to her starts to fade out and she feels like the guy sitting next to her isn’t who she thought. To everyone it may have been him lying about those two holidays- that most people don’t even consider holidays, but a lot of pivotal memories happened during those events. Without even realizing it, Dallas stoically pulls her hand from where it was cradled in Nicks. Eerily feeling like a stranger in her own home.
Inez and Nick only spend a couple more hours with the girl, talking and laughing while everything continues to be reevaluated in Dallas’ mind. She tries to smile and converse with them, but she just feels so out of place.
It’s not until they leave that she feels like she can breathe. She has time to go through everything and think about how he technically lied to her. Why wouldn’t he tell her that he didn’t care for Halloween? She wouldn’t have made him dress up with her.
She moves throughout the day, but everything seems to pass her by. Even when Nick comes by later that night to bring her food, she’s not even present.
“What’s wrong, baby?” Nick cups her cheek, trying to get her to connect eyes with him.
Dallas feels her tears trailing down her cheeks, although she isn’t aware that she’s actually crying until Nick frowns in worry.
“She’s your best friend,” speaking those words is almost impossible. It feels like burning bile in her throat, because she’s supposed to be his best friend, but how could she when felt like she didn’t even really know him.
“What’re you talking about?” His voice is soft and low. He continues to wipe away her tears as they fall.
“Inez, she’s your best friend,” she whispers.
“What? No, no, she’s just my friend. You’re my best friend,” he corrects her, his head shaking furiously.
“No! She’s your best friend and I’m not. I didn’t even know that you don’t care for Halloween or Valentine’s. I feel like I don’t really know your true self. What else do you not like? What else do I not know about you?” Dallas rips herself from his hands, moving to her bedroom so Sienna wouldn’t have to hear them.
“We’re always learning new things about each other, so there’s a lot we still don’t know, but that’s what the rest of our lives are for. As for Halloween and Valentine’s, I never felt like I had to tell you. You love Halloween, so I wanted to dress up with you. You actually made me love it because it was so much fun. You love Valentine’s Day, so I wanted it to be as special as possible,” he explains, trying to hold her but she continues to pull away.
“That’s not the point though! You could’ve told me, because I want to know every little thing about you. I just feel like I don’t know you as well as I thought. It’s a bit off putting,” she says.
“Well, now you do know,” Nick tries to make light of the conversation, but it just makes her upset.
She wants an apology. She’s not sure if this whole thing warrants one, but it’d be nice to know that she isn’t overreacting and is understood.
“Can you please leave?” She shuts her eyes, not willing to let more tears fall.
“Seriously?”
“Yes, Nick. I need you to leave. You obviously don’t understand why I’m upset, so just leave,” she blurts out.
“Fine. I love you, June,” he kisses her forehead. Nick pauses at the door, waiting for her to tell him to stay, but those words never come.
TUESDAY
Dallas throws herself into all her schoolwork as a much needed distraction. When she’s not doing schoolwork, she’s working on dismantling and reassembling the wedding dress she bought from the thrift. She may be upset with Nick, but she is still getting married to him.
She uses one of the scrap pieces of lace from the dress to be part of Nick’s white button up. She dyed the fabric black, cut out her initials and stitched it into the cuff of the sleeve. For her dress, she only saved certain parts of it. She saved the bodice, part of the skirt, and all of the lace. She decided to add thin straps and rework the lace into a veil. She wants a very simple, light wedding dress.
In the process of distracting herself from her little spat with Nick, she goes to a jeweler to get Nick’s watch she bought engraved. “You are my forever,” sits delicately in cursive on the back of it.
There may be a little retail therapy included in her small trip, but that’s only between her and her credit card.
After having a quiet dinner and mini fashion show with her best friend, she decides that it’s not worth being mad at Nick. She has to get over it and move on, because at the end of the day she loves him.
She smiles when she nears his room, his voice filling her ears.
“Yeah, I don't know what was going on last night. I guess she’s just being insecure because you’re here,” Dallas hears Nick say to who she’s assuming is Inez.
She can physically feel her blood start to boil, her heart thumping and mind racing. Before thinking about it, she throws his door open. Nick turns to see her, his face going pale at the realization that she heard his words. The three stare at each other, waiting for someone to break. It’s Dallas.
“Fuck you!” She shouts, turning around.
“June, wait!” Nick runs after her.
“Why, so I can hear you tell your best friend how your girlfriend is so insecure? No thank you,” she spits.
“Well, what else am I supposed to think? You acted crazy for me not telling you about Halloween. You said how she’s my best friend! You called yourself my fiancée when you never even answered my proposal in the first place. Which by the way, makes me feel like you don’t even love me, so yeah sorry for thinking you were insecure,” he blurts out.
Dallas feels her tears spill, her body shaking with nerves. Is this really happening right now? It really hurt to be accused of being jealous just because she accepted his proposal. She’s also being accused of not loving him. She really was going to say yes before Inez even showed up. It’s not her fault they got sidetracked by the red head.
“How dare you say that I only want to marry you because of her! How dare you say that I don’t love you. And you know what, she is your best friend, because you’re here gossiping to her about me. I can’t believe you told her that instead of making sure I was reassured. I guess it’s only okay when I reassure you whenever you get jealous. I don’t even give you a reason to feel jealous,” she rants.
As she goes to walk out his door, he tries to stop her once more.
“June, please don’t leave. Shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have told her that. I’m sorry for not being nicer about it, or talking to you about it. You’re the only one who matters,” he apologized.
“Don’t call me that anymore. You’re not my boyfriend and you’re not my fiancé,” she whispers, too scared to look up at his face.
“What? C’mon, please. We can talk about this. We can fix this. I can fix this, just tell me what to do. I’m sorry. I messed up, I know that, but we can’t break up. We’re getting married,” she clenched her eyes shut, not daring to see his tears. She knows he’s about to cry by the way his voice continues to crack.
Her back is to him, so he comes up behind her to pull her body into his. If it weren’t for the arm wrapped around her waist, she would’ve crumbled into the floor. She can feel his tears hitting the material of her sweater. It makes her heart break that much more. She hates that she’s hurting him, but his words hurt her. The way he openly talks to Inez about her as if she’s anybody but his fiancée. If roles were reversed, he’d feel the same way she’s feeling.
“No because apparently I don’t love you,” she throws his words back at him, having to pull away from him as his shoulders start to shake.
“Please. Please, I know you love me. I was being an asshole and I made a mistake. I’m sorry,” he pleads.
“I need to leave,” she says, walking away.
She feels like a robot on the walk back to her place. The cold bites at her skin, but it’s nothing compared to the way her heart aches and her stomach twists. She finds herself at Luca’s place, immediately sobbing against him when he pulls her into a hug. That night she watches the moon, silent tears falling as she tries to banish every thought she has of Nick. She can’t go home, not when there are traces of the hockey player in every single corner. His cologne and shampoo are embedded in her pillows. His clothes fill up a section of her closet. There are notes and pictures of them littered on her dresser and night stand. Ignoring him seems impossible.
WEDNESDAY
Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Focus on classes, go to a Pilates class, and then start working on some designs for her future clothing line.
That’s Dallas’ plan. A solid plan that will stop her from drowning in her tears and guilt. It will also distract her from the multitude of phone calls from her brother and Kent. If only she knew that last night Nick called Blanks in shameful tears to tell him what happened.
Soft purring breaks the girl’s attention of planning out her day. She feels sir’s soft fur as he rubs against her leg.
“Hi, sir moldy. Hi cutie, mommy loves you,” she coos, caressing her black cat who isn’t so small anymore.
Her soft smile starts to disappear as she thinks about her cat not seeing his favorite person, Nick. The ache in her heart makes itself known again.
Snap out of it.
Dallas vows to stay out of her dorm the entire day until her eyes are practically shutting with sleep. Dressing in a cute outfit and putting on her favorite lipstick, she’s out of her door before she can second guess her plan. Who says you can’t be cute and heartbroken at the same time?
Her two morning classes go by without a hitch, the girl finishing any remaining assignments for the week within an hour after they finish. Her work ethic when she’s trying to distract herself is insane.
After a small lunch, Dallas finds the nearest restroom to change into her workout clothes, but when she walks out she sees Nick in the direction she needs to go. Everything around her seems to freeze except for him. His movements are sluggish and his eyes are tired. She turns the other way just as they make eye contact. For a second she thinks she sees him try to get her attention, but she doesn’t stay around to find out.
Dallas makes sure to take a heated Pilates class instead, needing to sweat out every issue that’s clogging her brain. It works but only for a couple hours. Eventually the sweat dries and now her problems feel tacky on her skin. She couldn’t go back to her apartment, though she desperately needed a shower. If she were to go back, she’d just get sidetracked by all the things her ex has taken over in her room.
She drives out to a lookout spot, putting her car in park so she can draw up new prospects for her clothing line. It’s a bittersweet moment. A lot of her inspiration would spark when she was with Nick. She has to remind herself that her clothing line has always been something she wants. It’s something that she has to be one hundred percent sure about. There’s no time for her to be hurt and in return be neglectful to something she’s worked so hard for.
She has to remember to be grateful for the things that are still in her life.
It’s almost midnight when she returns to her apartment, finding Sienna cuddled up with Sir on the couch.
“Nick tried to see you like a few hours ago. He told me to tell you that he wants to talk,” Sienna says, not even in her apartment for a minute and Dallas already wants to leave again.
“Of course he wants to talk. He can fuck off for all I care. I made up my mind and he needs to deal with it. He can go talk to Inez,” the girl says with an agitated edge to her tone.
“Look, D, you know I love you, but maybe you should talk to him. I know he fucked up majorly, but you should still talk to him,” she brings her into a hug.
“Why, so he can relate it all back to Inez like the best friend she is? So he can try to convince me that she’s not his best friend? I don’t need to hear it,” she spits, removing herself from Sienna’s arms. She heads to her room to shower off the day and sleep for as long as she possibly can.
THURSDAY
“Have you told her about it?” Inez asks Nick in the quiet of the library corner they’re in.
“No. Not yet anyway. I am soon because I know she’s going to be upset if I wait any longer- even if we’re broken up. Hopefully the breakup won’t last too long, though,” he responds, eyes cast down on the paper he’s been procrastinating about.
“She’s not going to be happy. Maybe you shouldn’t tell her. If she finds out we took each other’s virginities, she’s going to be so much more mad,” Inez says, reaching out her hand to rest over Nick’s. It’s meant to be comforting. Nick still pulls his hand away, though.
“Yeah, just let me lie to my fiancée again about something much worse than commercial holidays. No, I need to tell her,” he snaps.
“I’m just trying to protect you. She’s not your anything anymore anyways,” Inez sneered.
“Well don’t,” Nick feels that Inez is partially to blame for his whole breakup. It’s not fair and to some extent, he knows that, but he doesn’t want to blame himself.
“How’re you going to make up for the whole insecurity thing?”
“I don’t know. Grovel, probably or explain why I said it.”
“Maybe you’re just not meant to be. I mean this is kind of crazy to get upset about, especially when she claims she’s your fiancée,” Inez reasons.
“Don’t talk about things you don’t understand.” The conversation ends there.
The entire day, Nick is constantly looking for Dallas. Outside the rooms he knows her classes take place, at her favorite on campus cafe, and around her favorite spot she likes to chill and write at. No matter how busy it is, it still feels like a ghost town with her absence clearly present.
Dallas watches Nick as he looks around. It seems as if he’s lost, but she knows that he’s looking for her.
She saw him at the library with Inez. She watched the way Inez was talking with her expressive hand gestures and the way Nick's face grew red. Dallas doesn’t know that it was out of annoyance and not in happiness.
To Dallas, they looked so comfortable as if they’re the ones who've been dating for months. Inez’ smile was easy to compare to the breathtaking sight of the sun after a few gloomy days. Her cheeks were coated in a perfectly shade-matched blush. Her plump lips were the perfect shade of pink. She had the prettiest ribbon tied in her red hair, and she just knew her perfume was heavenly. Dallas so badly wished she was the one talking to Nick, covering his hand with her own.
She’s never been someone to be jealous as she’s so confident in herself. Now, she finds herself wishing to be Inez, but hating that she’s has got to the point of where she doesn’t want to be her own person anymore. She also hates the way she never gave Inez a chance, the way she never let herself like her because she’s so likable. Maybe her and Nick would still be together if she didn’t immediately feel jealous of Inez. Dallas feels like she’s going to go insane with the way she keeps bottling up her every emotion towards the girl and her ex boyfriend or fiancé. Nevertheless, she keeps walking with her head held high, well as high as she can get it without her eyes blurring with tears. That elegance and grace she’s learned through ballet comes in handy at this very moment as she remains in a balance of sanity.
She’s so close to entering her apartment building when Nick catches her.
“Dallas!” Her body freezes, literally not being able to move her feet, but she can feel her heart rate speed up.
“Dallas, please let me talk to you,” Nick whispers once he’s close enough to the girl.
“What do you want?” She turns to face him, avoiding his eyes.
“I need to tell you something and after that I will have no more lies or things I’m keeping from you,” he says, but Dallas stays quiet, afraid her words will come out as shouts.
“Inez and I lost our virginities to each other in high school,” he blurts out, waiting in tense silence for Dallas’ reaction.
Dallas feels her heart being crushed between his two fingers. She thinks there’s a big possibility of her passing out on the cold ground. At least that impact won’t hurt as much as this. She finally snaps her head up, looking at him with a glare.
“Look, I never meant to hide it from you. I just knew that if you found out after all that’s happened, you’d freak-“ he’s cut off by a sharp slap to his cheek.
Dallas feels her palm grow warm and start to sting. Her eyes are wide, shocked that she just laid a hand on him. She watches the way Nick’s eyes start to tear up. He knows that this is it. She opens and closes her mouth, not sure what to say or if she should apologize for hitting him. She decides to slowly back away, not able to get herself to turn away from him. She watches his distraught figure as she backs away, tears trailing down her cheeks.
Her body moves on autopilot, reality finally crashing over her when she enters her apartment. Sienna watches with fearful eyes, not having ever seen her best friend in a state like this. Dallas looks at Sienna, her tears still falling. Again, words fail to come out of her mouth as she opens and closes it. Then, it’s like all the shock dissipates and anger takes over. Her eyes are going dark and her features are hardening. She marches to her room, ripping open her closet door. She starts yanking hangers away from each other, throwing out each piece of Nick’s clothing.
All the withheld anger and sadness came bubbling out of the girl in the form of screams. She couldn’t stop it as she shoved every article of clothing that belonged to him in a box. Did 19 year olds act like this? Well, they do now. Poor Sir got so scared he ran to the living room as his mom cleaned every spot that’s been stained by her ex boyfriend. Her movements come to a halt when her eyes land on her wedding box. The tears crash on her with so much weight she falls to her knees, sobs wracking her body. Sienna’s quick to rush to Dallas, immediately hugging her.
“Hey, it’s okay. Let it all out,” she murmured.
“He lost his virginity to her,” she whispers.
Sienna’s eyes widen as she hugs Dallas tighter.
“Shit. I’m so sorry.”
“Am I crazy for being upset? I feel like it shouldn’t be a big deal, but I’m just- I’m so hurt,” Dallas says through sobs and hiccups.
“You have every right to feel the way you do. I’m here for you for whatever you need,” Sienna attempts to soothe her.
“I just- I need to go to my room and calm down.”
“Okay.”
Dallas lugs her heavy body to her room, showers and then neatly packs everything that belongs to Nick in a box. She debates on whether or not she should give him the wedding box, too. Part of her still believed that she should continue to hold onto it because maybe things will get better. Then, she thinks about the new piece of information he just blurted out and she wants to die all over again. She feels that familiar burn of tears in her eyes, so she does the one thing she loves to do when her brain is too loud, write.
Instead of writing in her journal, she decides to write on a single piece of paper. Instead of writing how she feels, she writes a letter that’s a semblance of a goodbye. It’s everything the next girl needs to know or love about Nick, written from someone who loved him probably too much.
THE LETTER
To whoever gets to love Nick next,
He will pretend to like something you love just to make you happy. Don’t get mad at him for hiding the fact that he doesn’t like it. Just love him for wanting you to be happy.
Nick loves hockey, so you have to love him as a hockey player. No matter all the insane expectations that come with it, or how he’ll drive himself up a wall just to be great at something he loves.
Nick is such a goofy person- even when it’s time to be serious. I think it’s because he loves to see the people around him smile, so don’t get annoyed by his untimely silliness.
If you ever get the opportunity to be given a gift from Nick, prepare yourself. He’s one of the best gift givers I have ever met. It just goes to show how easy it is for him to remember everything about someone he loves.
Cherish the vulnerable moments. Don’t take his feelings for granted; they’re a big piece of him and that type of information is hard for anyone to confess to someone they’re scared to be hurt by.
I love you Nick, and in another universe, in another lifetime, our love will have been enough.
Dallas folds up the letter and places it on top of everything in the box. She picks it up, every memory and emotion weighing heavily in her arms. She trudges back to the living room, ignoring Sienna’s worried gaze as she sets the box down by the front door.
“If Nick happens to come by, or any of the hockey boys, give it to them. Thank you,” she mutters, walking back to her room.
FRIDAY
“Dallas, c’mon! I know you’re home, your car is parked outside. Please, please let me in. We need to talk and I want to see our cat,” Nick shouts from outside her door.
When Dallas first heard the knocks, she was doused in sleep. Then she heard his voice, and she was suddenly wide awake.
“No, you’re not coming in to see MY cat. I don’t want to talk to you, so leave,” Dallas cracks the door open just a bit, so she knows that he hears her.
“Dallas, please. Please let me fix this,” he pleads.
“No!”
“Nick, you need to leave. Here’s a box with all your things,” Sienna intervened, handing the box over to him while Dallas sat on the couch.
Nick’s face falls, his eyes getting watery and he searches his mind for words to say. Sienna closes the door before he gets the chance to speak up.
“Are you okay?” She asks Dallas.
Dallas furiously shakes her head. “I can’t be here. I need to go.”
“Okay where are you going?” Sienna follows Dallas to her room, watching her as she packs an overnight bag.
“Buffalo.”
“Buffalo? That’s a bit of a drive. Will you be able to make it?”
“Yes. I don’t want to go to Ohio, and I can’t stay here. I’ll be back before Monday. Thank you for being here for me. It means a lot. I love you,” Dallas says, hugging Sienna.
“Of course. I love you, too.”
Dallas rushes to her car, but she’s still seen.
“D!” Dallas halts her steps when she hears Rutger’s voice.
“Hey, Rut.”
“Where are you going?” He asks, spotting her bag.
“Somewhere for some peace and quiet,” she says.
“How are you feeling? I know everything has been kinda shitty lately.”
“I’m holding it together as best as I can. I’m really hurt and I just need to get away from here for a day or two,” she explains, her exterior softening at Rutger’s sincerity.
“I’m sorry about everything. If you need anything, Luca and I are here for you.”
“Thank you. It means a lot, but you know I can’t. Umm… anyways I have to get going. Thanks for asking about how I was doing. I’ll see you around,” she moves to turn away, but he just pulls her into a short hug.
“No matter what happens, please don’t stop being our friend,” he whispers.
She nods her head, separating herself from the boy before the remainder of her heart shatters. She gets into her car and sets off for Buffalo.
The long drive was cathartic as she belted out lyrics to Taylor Swift- even through all her tears. She also got a ton of fresh air that she desperately needed.
It’s dark when she makes it to where she was going. The person she was trying to see wasn’t even home, so she spent a couple hours outside their front door. Dallas is sure she got a ton of concerned- even judging looks as she accidentally fell asleep with tears dried on her cheeks.
“Dallas?”
The girl startles out of her nap, immediately jumping up when she sees Owen. Owen Power, one of her favorite people. She collapses into his arms, her tears falling once again.
“What happened? Are you okay? Does anyone know you’re here?” He holds her tight.
“Blanks knows I’m here. I broke up with my boyfriend and I just needed to leave because I see and feel him everywhere,” she explains, the shattered pieces of her heart piercing through her skin.
“Let’s get you inside. You probably need some sleep especially after the long drive.”
After some much needed food and a shower, Dallas finally explains everything to Owen. He’s less than impressed, but he’s really good at comforting her.
“I don’t know. I just feel like this whole week I’ve been acting like some crazy girlfriend. Do you think I’m crazy for feeling and acting this way?”
“No, you’re valid. Except for the whole Halloween and Valentine’s thing, that’s not too big of a deal. He was just trying to make you happy. Now, him telling that girl you’re insecure and saying that you don’t love him was out of line. I’m sorry that you went through that, but I am glad I get to see you,” he tells her, bringing her in for another hug.
“Thank you for understanding. I’m happy to see you, too. Now, I need at least 12 hours of sleep, so goodnight. Will you be here tomorrow morning?”
“Yeah. I’ll make you breakfast.”
As Dallas falls asleep that night, Nick is beating himself up as he reads Dallas’ letter. The once neat paper is littered with tear drops.
SATURDAY
Nick is breaking many traffic laws just to get to Buffalo. It took Rutger telling him that she was leaving and a million apologies to Blanks to find out where she was. He was ready to lay his heart on the line, or in her palms.
Nick doesn’t know she’s staying with Owen, he just knows where she is. When he knocks on the door, he’s surprised to see a very tall man with long hair.
“Nick.” Owen knows him from Dallas’ instagram.
Nick recognizes the other hockey player, but that doesn’t stop him from pretending otherwise.
“Um, who are you?” Nick puffs out his chest, trying to disguise his true reaction. Owen is very large and intimidating as he crosses his arms over his chest.
“Owen Power, a good friend of Dallas.” Owen looks down on Nick, a testing expression painting his features.
“Is Dallas here? Can I talk to her?”
“I don’t know. Can you, or will you just go talk to Inez?” Nick looks taken aback at his remark.
So much for a great first impression.
“What are you doing here?” Dallas asks, moving Owen out of the way.
“I need to talk to you. Please, Dallas you have to let me explain everything,” he begs.
Dallas groans, her hands going through her hair as she moves aside for him to enter.
“What could you possibly say to me?”
“I know you’re upset that I just told you about how I lost my virginity to Inez, but it didn’t mean anything and she doesn’t mean anything to me,” he swears.
“You made me seem like I was crazy for feeling insecure! You had sex with her and I know that was long ago, but you’re with me, but still had her come visit you,” she responds.
“I didn’t know she was coming! Do you think if I knew, I would let it happen, or at least not tell you about our past?” He questions.
“You still let her stay! That’s the difference. If she didn’t mean a thing to you, why did you let her stay? If I had lost my virginity to Owen and had you meet him because he’s my close friend, you would go ballistic. If roles were reversed, you’d be just as jealous and just as upset!” She shouts.
“Speaking of Owen, why would you tell him our business? Sure seems like he’s your best friend when you said I was yours” Nick scoffs, jealousy creeping up on him.
“No! No, you can’t get jealous not right now. See! This is what I mean! You can get jealous all you want, but the moment I do, it’s wrong. Screw your double standards!”
“I was the one who was insecure. I have been asking you to marry me for weeks and you still wouldn’t give me an answer. Next thing I know, you’re introducing yourself as my fiancée. I felt like the prospect of our marriage wasn’t important to you, like you were just playing with my feelings to see how far you could go before I blew up. I fucked up so badly because I thought you wouldn’t want to marry me at all. If you had eventually said no, our relationship would be ruined. I’m sorry, Dallas. I’m sorry for making it seem like she’s my best friend. I’m sorry for keeping things from you, and saying that you don’t love me. I’m sorry for everything and I just needed to tell you that,” he says, watching as she cries.
“Here’s your ring, I forgot to put it in the box,” she says, barely loud enough for him to hear.
He immediately shakes his head, knowing that if he takes back the ring everything will really be over.
“I can’t take that back. It’s yours. It belongs to you,” he tries to say it with conviction, but his voice cracks and his tears start to fall.
“I can’t have it either,” she pulls the ring off, forcing it into his hands.
His shoulders are shaking and his lip wobbles. Nick wants to hold her in his arms, but he knows she’ll push him away.
Dallas wants to reach out to him as he walks away, but she fears it’s too late to take back everything she’s said and done.
“Nick?” She calls his name and watches the way he turns around within that second.
“Yeah?” His voice is unsure. He watches the looks she gives him. Her eyes are filled with want. She wants that connection.
He quickly walks back to her, pulling her into his arms.
“Why can’t you fight for me?” She questions, hurt laced in her voice. Her hands connect around his neck and he can feel her chest heave.
“I have been fighting. Not hard enough, but because you won’t let me fight for you,” he answers, hands rubbing her back.
“Fight for me, please,” she begs, her way of saying she’ll listen to what he has to say.
“I swear I didn’t mean to hurt you. I hadn’t talked to Inez since before I graduated high school, so her coming to visit was just as much a surprise to me as it was to you. I’m sorry for being an asshole and telling Inez that you were insecure. That wasn’t my place and that wasn’t her business. I should’ve made sure that you were secure in our relationship, because that’s my job as your boyfriend.”
“Fiancé,” Dallas corrects him.
“Yes, your fiancé. I know you love me with all your heart, sorry for ever doubting that. Inez is not my best friend and she’s not even really a friend. Not anymore. I told her she couldn’t be in my life, because if she stayed, I knew you wouldn’t and I once told you that I can’t live without you. That stands true. I want you even if that means giving up everything else. I’m sorry, June. I’m so sorry for being so careless with us,” he apologizes, his tears falling into her hair.
“I accept your apology. I’m sorry for being so emotional,” she says against the skin of his cheek as she softly kisses his face.
“You have every right to feel angry, sad, or hurt. I was truly an asshole,” he states.
“I’m so sorry for slapping you, Nick. I hate myself for putting my hands on you like that. I swear I will never do that again,” she sobs into his chest, that guilt finally breaking her down.
“I deserved it.”
“No, you didn’t. I saw how much that hurt you, emotionally,” she whispers.
“I love you, pretty girl.”
“I love you, always.”
Dallas pulls away, taking in the boy she loves so much. His hair is messy and his face is red from his tears.
“June bug, I want you in my life forever. I don’t care how young we are, or what people think, because I know that our love is enough in this lifetime and the next one. We will always find our way to each other. Will you please marry me?” He pulls out the ring from his pocket and kneels on one knee.
“Yes! Yes in this lifetime and yes in the next. I love you, Nick,” she answers, jumping into his arms and kissing his lips for the first time in what felt like forever.
a/n: I absolutely loved writing this and I hope y’all enjoy it! The title is a little combination of “All American Bitch” and “Lacy” by Olivia Rodrigo as I feel those two songs resemble what Dallas was going through. It also references the lace of the dress Dallas thrifted, beautiful but also delicate.
literally one of my most favorite fics ever! this fic is so incredibly well written and it makes me feel all the things. it quite literally breaks my heart but it’s in the most beautiful and perfect way. so if you’re anything like me give it a read and celebrate All American Lace Day 🤍🤍
Day in the life blurb maybe? of Mat and ModelReader!
Warnings: cuss words and alludes to sex
“Mat, baby. Your alarm,” you groan, a hand smacking at his bare chest to wake him up.
“Shush,” he mumbles, pulling you into his chest.
“You have to get up, baby. I love you,” you say in a sigh, already falling back to sleep in his warm arms.
“I love you,” your husband feathers a chaste kiss to your lips before trudging out of bed.
It feels like ages later when you finally wake up, but you know it’s only been around half an hour because you can hear Mat moving through the closet. You force yourself out of bed and throw on Mat’s discarded shirt and make your way over to him. He’s barely getting dressed, so you deem it the perfect time to love on him.
“Good morning, pretty girl,” he says, smiling at you when you place a warm hand on his back.
“Hi, do you want me to make you some coffee?” You ask, crowding yourself into his back and pressing a few kisses on his spine.
“I can do it, baby. You look beautiful,” he turns and grins, looking at your sleepy expression.
“No, you do,” you shove your face into his chest, sneakily smacking his ass.
-
“Look at you, my pretty girl. You look just like daddy,” you coo to Sloane as she’s propped up against your thighs.
Her little hands hold onto your thumbs and her dimpled smile makes your heart melt. She’s getting so big already, at almost 7 months and she’s the healthiest, happiest baby ever. She’s also starting to look more like Mat as the minutes pass.
“Mommy!” You hear the front door open and Nolan’s shout paired with his fast footsteps.
“Hi, baby. Oh my! Don’t you look handsome? All of my boys look so handsome,” you say, earning a shy smile from Nolan and a laugh from Mat who’s carrying Angel.
They spent the day shopping for hockey gear for Nolan, and they even went to go get haircuts- except Mat. Thank god.
“Thank you, mommy! Kiss?” Nolan leans into your side, lips puckered exaggeratedly.
“Mwah,” you give a smacking kiss.
“What do I need to do to get a kiss?” Mat asks, rocking a tired AJ.
“Just bring your sexy self over here,” you sass, tilting your head to the side with your devious smile.
He quickly dashes over to you, expertly leaning down without causing any casualties to the kid in his and in your arms, and seals his lips to yours.
You smile against his lips, a little airy giggle leaving your lips as the butterflies swarm inside your stomach.
“So, I was thinking we can order in tonight and just have a family movie night,” he whispers into the skin of your cheek.
“Sounds like a plan,” you whisper back, laughing when Sloane starts to reach out for her daddy.
“Switch?” He asks.
“Give me my little man,” you take Angel and he takes Sloane.
Sloane immediately attaches her mouth to his broad shoulder, trying to teeth on him.
“This is all she wants me for,” your husband exasperates, watching in bewilderment as Sloane leaves his shirt wet.
“Well at least she isn’t biting your boobs,” you point out, cuddling AJ into your chest.
“True. I’m so sleepy today. I just want to take a nap,” he sighs, lying down on the large couch, his head on your thigh.
“Take one, baby. I could use one, too now that Sloane is waking up extra early.”
You run your fingers through his hair and watch as he gets Sloane to peacefully fall asleep on his chest. You feel so lucky to be able to see Mat be the best daddy.
“I want cuddles!” Nolan whisper-shouts, looking at you with his puppy eyes.
“Come here handsome,” you beckon him over and he cuddles into your empty side, mirroring his father.
-
“Nolan, Angel, I need you guys to listen to mommy and sit at the table,” Mat uses the softer version of his dad voice to get the boys seated while he plates everyone’s food.
Nolan immediately pauses and gathers Angel to get them both seated. You sneakily smile, thinking it’s kind of hot to see Mat be all authoritative.
“Thank you, babe,” he sets down your plate in front of you with a glass of water right next to it. You tilt your head back and pucker your lips for a kiss.
“No need. I love you,” your husband says against your lips, making you giggle like a little kid. You loved when he did that.
“I love you.”
“Do you want me to hold Sloane so you can eat?” He settles down at the table himself, helping Nols and AJ simultaneously. You watch how his muscles flex under the material of his shirt when he reaches over to help your babies.
You’re going to need the babies to go down at their bedtime and no later. You had a nagging craving for your husband, and you know he’ll take all night to give it to you. You clench your thighs and shake your head, willing your desires to go away for now.
“Babe?” Mat snaps you out of your thoughts of what he’ll do to you once in bed.
“Sorry. No, it’s okay. I’ll hold my girl,” you answer, picking up Sloane and lifting her in the air to get her to giggle.
“Any hot gossip today, baby?” You snort back a laugh at Mat’s question. You love how he’s always wanting to know what’s going on in your friends’ lives, but you do find it funny sometimes. He gets so into it. He's your best friend.
“Yeah, mommy, what’s the hot ossip?” This time you let your laugh bust from your mouth.
Nolan has been in a copying phase. Anything you or Mat say, he’ll eventually say or try to say.
Nolan even copies the sassiness that Mat displays. A flick of the hair and an eyebrow cocking up as they wait for you to spill.
“Bev called me to tell me how one of our ‘friends’ was talking about us behind our back. She literally caught them when they went out. I’m so glad I wasn’t there, because I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from saying something,” you tell them -more Mat than Nolan- and your husband looks at you like you’ve grown two heads.
“What’s her name? Umm… Carmen?”
“Yup! It was Carmen. I can’t believe she had the audacity,” you get heated all over again.
“That’s messed up. After we invited her into our home! What an asshole!” Mat gasps, looking angry and you totally get it.
It’s crazy how fake a person can be.
“Asshole!”
“Aaahole!”
You snap your head to both your boys, eyes popping out of your head at their words. You smack Mat’s arm when you hear him laugh.
“Nolan and Angel, you know you are not to say the words that daddy says,” you berate them. Usually they’ll look down, because they know they’re in trouble but not this time.
“Aaahole,” Angel repeats, which sets off Nolan.
“Asshole!” Nolan says, this time hesitant but still with a devious smile.
“Sorry, baby. They’re probably hyped on the sugar I gave them while they were getting their haircuts,” Mat finds it the perfect time to tell you that bit of information. A wince is etched into his face and you just slap a hand on your forehead.
“Nicky, more! Harder!” Dallas moans, body rocking back and forth as he fucks into her. Nick is her mechanical bull for the night.
Nick isn’t sure how his cowboy hat still sits perfectly on her head, but he doesn’t care when she looks as sexy as she does.
Dallas presses her palms into his chest, barreling down and rocking her hips fast against his. His leaking tip hits her sweet spot, hurdling her towards her orgasm. He puts his palm on her stomach, feeling himself bulge under her skin. Dallas lets out whimpers, him pressing down just made him hit her g-spot even more.
“Fuck, June. You have to stop squeezing me like that, or I’m going to cum,” he pulls her to him, her breast bouncing in his face.
He sucks a nipple into his mouth, flicking it with his tongue and nipping on it. Dallas leaves scratch marks up the length of his arms, her walls continuing to flutter around him.
“Cum in me, baby. Fuck me full of you,” she chants, still riding him into her mattress.
Their little tryst started off soft, Dallas kissing on Nick so he wouldn’t be sad about losing the hockey game. The moment she pulled off all of her clothes and placed his hat on her head, he knew she was horny beyond belief.
“Your little pussy wants my cum? Huh? Use your words,” Nick mutters when Dallas lets out mumbles.
“Yes! I want your cum. Please, baby,” she pleads, fingers going to her clit and tracing circles.
Her walls start to collapse on his length, body slowing down as her orgasm hangs by a thread.
“Hold it baby. Don’t let go,” Nick sucks a hickey in between the valley of her breasts, trying to prolong his impending orgasm.
“I can’t hold it,” Dallas cries, her body falling into his to let him take over. Her thighs ache from over exertion.
“Yes, you can,” he grunts, hips drilling into her until she’s shaking from holding onto her release.
His balls tighten from her walls pulsing around him and her arousal dripping down his cock. He finally gives in, telling Dallas she can cum and she does with a high pitched moan. Nick releases inside of her, hot cum painting her insides.
“Do you feel better?” Dallas mutters against the skin of his neck.
“You always make me feel better,” he kisses the side of her face.
He gently rolls her body off of his, so he can get up. Once back on his two feet, he’s picking up Dallas and carrying her over to her restroom. She stares up at him dazedly, her body hot and clinging to him.
He places her down on the bathroom counter, turning around to quickly turn on the shower. He keeps his hand under the running water, turning the knobs back and forth to get the water perfectly warm.
“Come on, June bug. Let’s get you in the shower,” Nick says, still focused on the water temperature.
When he doesn’t get a response, he turns and is met with the sight of her used pussy spilling his cum as she’s leaned back against the mirror. He feels his dick come alive, the cooled down desire burning all over again.
He moves towards her, hands rubbing her thighs to get her attention. She flashes him a blissed out smile, her eyes roaming down to his length.
“Baby,” she mutters and makes grabby hands at him.
Once he’s close enough, she reaches out, taking his cock in her hand and jerking him off.
“Fuck, June. That feels so good,” he moans, head falling back. Her thumb glides over his tip and rubs at the vein on the backside.
“I want you, Nicky,” Dallas whines, scooting down so her cunt is closer to him.
“Yeah, baby? You want my cock again?” He spreads their cum around her opening, watching the ways he clenches around nothing.
“Yes,” she gasps as he thrusts into her.
His pace is slow and deep, almost teasing in a way, he’s dragging her by the little thread of sanity she has left.
Nick’s eyes are glued to the way his shaft looks sinking into her, their cum making him glisten in the most erotic way. Her sweet moans and whimpers get shrouded by the shower running, but it seems like it’s on speaker in his mind.
“Nicky, I’m going to cum,” Dallas squeaks when he snaps his hips into hers, his balls slapping against her ass.
“Cum for me, sweet girl,” he circles her clit, orgasming along with her when her pussy constricts around him.
Her hands prints are left on the foggy mirror in what was her attempt of grounding herself. The counter wasn’t exactly the spaciest area to get fucked.
“I love you,” she babbles, body weak as Nick carries her into the shower.
Her body wraps around his, hands glued to his hair. Her breasts are pressed into his chest and it’s almost crazy how fast he gets hard again. He cannot get over the feeling of her body quivering against his, or the way their cum drips down his thigh.
He stands underneath the warm water, running a hand through her hair to let the water soak the strands. They stay there for a while, their muscles relaxing after their bedroom activities… and bathroom activities.
Soft kisses begin to get scattered on the side of Nick’s face. Dallas makes sure to pay attention to the raised skin of his scar. Her body subconsciously grinds into his abdomen, her core craving more friction, more of him making her full.
She turns his face to hers, sucking his bottom lip between hers and engaging them in another heated lip lock. He pushes her body into the wall behind her, her legs still wrapped around his waist. Her hands move down his back, leaving scratch marks behind as his length pushes into her. Her wet walls start to spasm around him like crazy, overstimulated but desperate for more.
“Just like that, baby,” she praises.
She practically sucks him in, keeping him deeply lodged inside of her. He continues to rock into her even though he can feel her orgasm surging through her body. She whimpers and writhes in his hold, her cheek pressing into his while she tightly holds onto his head.
“You’re so perfect, baby,” he groans, hands pressing into the wall as he pulses inside of her.
“Nicky!” Dallas cries, body shaking when he spills into her for the third time that night. His hands move down to hold her ass, lifting her body up and down his cock to work them through their orgasm.
“I can’t, baby. I can’t,” she whispers, voice hoarse and shaky.
He holds her against him, hands clutching her body to stop her from trembling when he pulls out of her. He pecks her skin anywhere he can reach, quietly speaking in her ears. She needed all the distractions she could get so she wouldn’t get lost in her own pleasure.
“You okay, babe?”
“I can’t feel my legs,” she lets out a little giggle.
“Sorry about that,” he continued to caress her body.
“Don’t worry about it, it was so hot. You in that cowboy hat was so hot,” Dallas compliments, making the boy turn a deeper shade of red than he already was.
“You looked better in it,” he points out, looking back at the images in his head of her naked with the hat on her head.
“Of course I did, I was naked,” she sighs, head finally clearing up after her hat trick of orgasms.
“Nah, June bug. You don’t have to be naked to look beautiful,” she lifts her head and gives him her breathtaking smile.
“I love you,” she presses her lips to his.
“I love you more.”
a/n: It has been a while since I’ve written something for these two, so I hope y’all enjoy! Happy Valentine’s Day🫶
Warnings: mentions sex, mentions drinking, mentions being pregnant and I think that’s all(let me know if i missed something)
First Valentines as a couple (2023)
The 3 dozen red roses sit prettily on your kitchen counter, and the warmth you feel pacing around your living room, waiting for Mat to arrive, is similar to the cup of coffee he had sent to you in the morning. You’re still in shock that he remembered your coffee order, especially when you’ve only been officially dating for 7 days. It gives you confidence about your relationship, the promise of it lasting and growing strong as the days pass by.
Part of you was sad that Mat wasn’t with you in the morning, his focus and responsibility being on his morning skate. Another part of you didn’t even expect to celebrate Valentine’s Day being that your relationship is new. So for him to send you flowers and coffee, means a lot more than it typically would. Plus, he’s picking you up any minute for a couple of drinks. You can’t wait to see him in the suit he wore to the arena earlier. He looked so handsome through the photos posted online, so you have no doubt that he’ll be even prettier to the eye.
A hard knock snaps you out of your thoughts, and you quickly pull it open. You let out a giggle when he immediately pulls you into his chest. His arms lock around your neck and yours wrap around his middle.
“Barzy! You played like a superstar out there. Congrats on the win,” you cheer, pulling him into a kiss.
“Thank you, pretty girl. I wish you were there,” he whispers against your lips.
“Me too, but for now I will settle on seeing you through a screen,” you rest your forehead on his and rub his shoulders. He looks tired and you’re sure he’s feeling sore.
“You look so beautiful,” he eyes your dark denim and pretty, lace top.
“Thank you, handsome,” you blush wildly. You don’t think you’ll ever get used to his compliments.
“Ready to head out?” You nod your head and let him lead you out of your apartment.
“Thank you for the flowers and coffee, babe. That was really sweet of you,” you whisper, breaking up the silence as you walk to the nearest bar.
“No need to thank me. You deserve it and more. I’m sorry I couldn’t spend the entire day wrapped in your arms,” he apologizes in the most sincere way.
“I swear it’s fine. I know hockey is your main priority. Thank you for taking me out even though I know you’re tired as hell right now,” you wrap your hand around his, feeling fire spread throughout your arm. It lingers in your body and you have to take a moment to cool down.
“You keep me going, baby. I’d never pass up a chance to be with you. Anyways, it’ll be nice to look back at this moment whenever we have kids. They’ll know to never settle,” he says nonchalantly even though his heart is pounding in his ears. The last thing he wanted was to scare you off, but he can’t help but picture his entire future with you in it.
“You’re such a charmer,” you turn in front of him to quickly peck his lips. You move back to his side just as quickly, practically skipping beside him as you think about your future with your hockey player.
Valentine’s Day with Nolan (2026)
“Nolan, smile for the camera baby,” you try to get Nolan’s attention on Mat’s phone.
“Nolie, be like mama and strike a pose,” your boyfriend teases, doing his own little pose as well. You giggle at his antics, cheeks rosy from his silliness, but also from the heat that warms your entire body from just being close to him.
You and Mat are laid in bed, cuddling under the thick comforter with Nolan in between you two.
Your baby is almost 7 months old, celebrating his first Valentine’s Day in the cutest onesie that says, “cuter than cupid.” You and Mat have spent the entire morning kissing your son’s soft, chubby cheeks and listening to his sweet giggles.
“I love you,” Mat whispers, turning on his side to face you. His hand reaches over Nolan’s little body and settles on your stomach.
“I love you, Barzy,” you place your hand over his, turning your head to look into his eyes. His pretty, hazel eyes that make you melt and make you feel so many emotions.
The eyes that you wake up to and the ones you dream about when he’s away. Mat’s the love of your life and you feel lucky to have him here with you and your baby.
You watch as he repeats the same words in Nolan’s ear, pressing a kiss to his cheek before taking a deep inhale of his baby scent. You’ve been lucky enough to witness all the different sides there are to your boyfriend, but him taking on the role of fatherhood is your favorite.
Your thoughts drift to the hand written letter Mat gave you this morning, and the way his face scrunched up to keep his tears at bay. You’ve never been given a hand written letter, so the piece of paper sitting on your bedside table means that absolute world to you.
“I never saw myself finding a love that feels new every single day, but I find myself pleasantly surprised when I wake up to your beautiful face in the morning and still feel an immense amount of love in my heart. You’ve given me life, you’ve given me purpose- especially with our baby boy. God, I can’t believe I get to love you. I can’t believe you’re the mother of my baby and future babies. I wish I could be there with you today, but duty calls. I love you with all my heart. -kisses from Mat.”
You repeat the words over and over again in your head, thankful that you have the opportunity to know a love like Mat’s.
First Valentines as a married couple (2028)
Your hands cradle your husband’s cheeks, eyes locked and hearts beating in tandem. His hair is matted to his forehead, sweat lining the contours of his godlike body. You’re positive you look just as unkempt and breathless. You lean in, as much as you can with your 6 month baby bump in the way, and slant your lips over his. His hands travel up your back, one hand straying to the back of your neck. He caresses the cherries inked into your skin.
“I love you,” you mutter into the kiss.
“I love you. You’re such a goddess. Look at you, carrying my baby,” Mat says lovingly, his lips traveling down your chin to your chest.
He sucks softly on the “13” tattooed on the swell of your boob, making your back arch. Your body will never not react to his touches.
“It’s our first Valentine’s Day as a married couple,” he points out the obvious. A soft smile rests on your features and a warm blush coating your cheeks. You don’t think the giddy feeling Mat gives you will ever go away. You don’t want it to.
“I know, husband. This one’s extra special with our precious boy,” you place his hands on your bump.
Your second son starts kicking at his father’s hands. Mat stares at your bump, eyes growing teary.
“We’re going to have two sons. I can’t believe we have kids and they’re so perfect. Thank you,” he kisses your lips again, a tear or two hitting your skin.
“I love you,” you wipe away his tears.
You think this is your favorite Valentine’s Day. Mat and Nolan woke you up with so many flowers and pastries. Mat watched your favorite rom coms with you throughout the day- even crying with you during some parts. Then you all got dressed up in black tie attire just to sit in the dining room to eat, but nothing could’ve been more perfect. You were so content with listening to Mat talk to Nolan and Nolan’s nonsensical replies. Now you’re in the comfort of your bed, Mat, your husband, underneath you after he worshiped your body.
Mat lifts your left hand, kissing your diamond ring and placing your hand over his heart.
“You’re my girl forever,” he whispers and shuts his eyes before more tears fall.
“Maty, I thought I was supposed to be the emotional one?” You tease him but squeal when he pinches your nipple.
“I can’t help it that I’m in love,” he responds and you take a moment to appreciate him. You’re glad that he’s yours.
Valentine’s Day with all the kids (2030)
“Daddy?” Nolan pulls at Mat’s hand to get his attention.
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Is mommy your Valentine?”
“She’s always my Valentine,” Mat answers with a smile, but it starts to fade when he watches Nolan’s face turn solemn.
“Can she be my valentine?” Nolan asks, but his voice is so shy Mat can’t hear what he says.
“What was that? What’s wrong, Nols?” Mat crouches down and runs a hand through his first born’s hair.
“Can mommy be my valentine this year? I just really love her,” Nolan says, his blue eyes wide and so innocent.
“Of course she can. I think mommy would be really happy to be your valentine,” he assures Nolan and feels relieved when he sees Nolan visibly relax.
“Can we go to the store and get her a gift?”
“Yeah, bud, we can.”
On Valentine’s Day, you’re lying down on the sofa with Angel and Sloane cuddled into your sides. The tv is on, one of your favorite movies playing. The sound of the front door opening and Nolan shouting for you makes you smile. You love hearing the noise of the people you love. It’s home and it’s safe.
“Hi, mommy. School was good. I missed you,” Nolan burrows into you, deciding to tell you how his day was before you get to ask. Your heart melts at his affection. Soon, he wouldn’t want your hugs or kisses and the thought makes you sad.
“I missed you more, bub. Where’s daddy?” You push his hair off his forehead and rub at his back.
Nolan looks up at you with a suspicious smile and it makes you laugh.
“I’ll be right back,” he whispers, trying and failing to hide his giggles as he runs away.
You sit in confusion, but you don’t think too much about it.
Next thing you know, you see your husband and son walk back into the living room, and their arms are full with flowers and gift bags. You sit up, carefully setting Sloane in your lap and make sure you don’t disturb Angel’s nap. Nolan walks up to you with a bouquet almost bigger than he is and a medium sized bag in his hands.
“Mommy, will you be my valentine?” He asks, wide eyes looking into yours as you try not to cry.
“Oh my. Of course, baby. I would love to be your valentine,” you coo, blinking your tears away.
“I love you, mommy! These are for you,” he kisses your cheek and hands you the flowers and gift bag.
“I love you more, Nolie,” you smell your flowers, smiling when you realize they’re all your favorite ones. He obviously had Mat’s help. Speaking of your hockey player husband, you look up at him to see him waiting patiently with gifts in his hands.
“Wow! Nolan this is a lot of candy. I think you’re going to have to help me eat some of it,” you tickle his tummy, earning a laugh from him.
“Okay, but none for daddy,” he says, hands coming up to his mouth as if he’s whispering.
“Hey! I heard that,” Mat intervenes with a lighthearted gasp.
You give Nolan a wink and watch with a smile on your face when he hands the little bears he got specifically for his younger siblings to them. Although Sloane has no idea what he’s saying and Ángel is knocked out, he’s promising to always be the best big brother and to always protect them. Your heart melts at the scene.
“My turn,” Mat walks up to you with his signature crooked smile.
“Let’s see what you got,” you tease, pulling him down into a quick kiss.
“My pretty girl. It’s our 8th Valentine’s Day together and I still love you just as much as I did in the first, if not more. No, I know I love you so much more. I actually feel pretty nervous right now,” he nervously giggles, running a hand through his hair.
Your heartbeat starts to race. He makes you nervous, too. You squeeze his hand, encouraging him to continue. It takes you back to when he proposed to you. He has the same lovesick look in his eyes.
“I’m glad you are my forever valentine,” he finishes, pressing another kiss to your lips. This time it’s more passionate and long lasting.
“I love you, Barzy. It’s you and me forever. Plus the littles,” you whisper into your kiss.
“Open your presents before I cry,” he hands you another beautiful bouquet of flowers and two gift bags.
The first gift bag contains a beautifully wrapped jewelry box. When you open it to find a sparkly, diamond encrusted ‘13’ pendant necklace placed in the box, you laugh. Recently your dainty necklace broke, so Mat joked around that he’d get you another one that’s bigger. You thought he was playing, but the medium sized necklace sparkles at you. It’s beautiful and you know it’s something you’ll never take off.
“Babe. This is so pretty. I love it and I can’t wait to wear it,” you pull him down to sit next you, over his distance and needing him against you.
“You have one more,” he gives you a bag and it’s extra light.
You pull out a piece of Nolan’s construction paper. There are two sets of inked footprints with scribbles at the top. It doesn’t take you long to realize they’re Sloane and Angel’s feet mimicking the shape of a heart. The small scribbles at the top say, “Happy Valentine’s Day, mommy. We love you,” and you know Mat probably put the pen in their tiny hands and moved it for them.
Tears finally slip down your cheeks even though you hastily wipe them away.
“This is too cute. The best gift ever, and then Nolan asking me to be his valentine. Did you tell him to do that?” You cry into Mat’s shoulder while he rubs your back.
“No, it was all his idea. Yesterday he had me take him to the store and everything. He even asked me if he could ask you. It was the sweetest thing ever,” he whispers into your hair.
“He gets that from you. God, I love you all. Thank you for making this like the best Valentine’s Day ever. I love you so much,” you kiss his jaw in between each word.
“I love you more, baby,” he catches your lips with his.
“I have a little something for you, too,” you pull away and walk to the kitchen, not waiting for his response.
He never wants you to give him gifts, but you do anyway.
You walk back towards him, hands hidden behind your back.
“For you, sir,” you hold out a bouquet of flowers.
Men never get flowers, but you want to change that. Flowers are for everyone. You’re happy you got them when you see Mat’s eyes light up and his smile widen. Nobody knows this, but Mat’s favorite flowers are tulips.
“Baby, stop. These are nice. I love them. I’ve never received flowers before,” he whispers, delicately touching the petals and smiling up at you.
“I know. I just wanted you to feel special for a change. You’re always getting me flowers,” you explain, caressing his cheek.
“You make me feel special everyday,” he kisses your palm.
“One more thing!” You perk up and run off to get his last present.
“No way! Baby, these are so cool,” he jumps around like a little kid as he checks out his new golf clubs that are accented with the islanders’ blue.
“Shower sex later tonight?” You ask in his ear while you give him a hug.
“Duh!” He squeezes you to him, and you feel that familiar giddiness in your entire body.
warnings: SMUT SMUT SMUT (very little spanking, teasing, and slightly edited) let me know if I missed anything
takes place February 2024
You follow Mat’s gaze as you’re sitting, straddling his lap and leaning back on your hands. He ogles your jersey and backwards cap clad form, and it’s not just any jersey, it’s his all star skills jersey. The material hangs off your body as it’s too big for you, but it does a nice job at hiding your black lingerie. His eyes pick up on the way you come off shy, but your fingers fiddling with his happy trail tells him otherwise. His hands rub your thighs and he subtly goes higher until they’re hidden under the jersey. Your body breaks out in chills just from his touch alone.
Everything feels like it’s in slow motion. It’s obvious that it’s Mat’s goal to tease you until you’re at your wits end. You attempt remaining stoic so he doesn’t know just how bad you want him, but each time he licks his lips or lets his eyes dip down to your covered up cunt, you feel your resolve start to disappear. It doesn’t help that he’s completely naked underneath you. His length stands at attention, waiting to be touched by you.
“Maty,” you whisper and softly adjust yourself so you’re leaning in closer to him.
“What, pretty girl?” He tucks a piece of your hair behind your ear after pulling his cap off your head, and you so badly want to suck his fingers into your mouth.
“I’m so proud of you. My hotshot, hockey boyfriend who is an all star. Fuck the skills comp, at least you can get me to cum. Plus, you looked so sexy in your jersey,” you whisper the praise in his ear, nipping at the lobe to get a small moan out of him.
“Not as sexy as you look in it,” he compliments as the tip of his nose trails along a vein in your neck. Your smooth, sweet perfume consumes him.
“Let me show you how proud I am. Let me ride you,” you plead, letting your lips on his jaw persuade him. You slip his cap back onto his head, backwards of course. He’s the hottest person you’ve ever seen, and it makes you insanely wet, you can feel it pooling in your underwear.
Your hips start to move on top of him, but his hands quickly land on your hips to halt your movements. You let out a disappointed huff that makes him chuckle.
“I thought this was about me?” He tuts and you nod your head in agreement.
“Then you’re going to be my good girl and wait until I’m ready for you to show me just how proud you are,” he chastises with a spank delivered to your ass. You let out a faint moan and throw your head back in frustration. He’s touching you but not enough and not where you need him most.
He lifts the jersey halfway up your torso, fingertips gliding over your soft skin. He unveils your see through, lacy panties. You notice the way his jaw clenched and the way his hands gripped the jersey tighter. He is having a tough time, too.
“As much as I love you wearing my jersey, I prefer you naked,” he grabs your chin, lips encompassing yours.
Your hands press into his chest. The feeling of his strong muscles drives you crazy. He slowly pulls the jersey off of you, watching the way you shiver and the way your nipples grow hard.
“Fuck. Look at you. My girl is so sexy.”
He presses a kiss to your neck and softly sucks on your skin until his mark is left behind. His lips move down to the tops of your breasts while he thumbs at your nipples over your lacy bra. You subconsciously arch into his touch, getting him to unclasp your bra expertly with one hand. He sends you a cocky smirk and a wink, and if you weren’t already soaked, that’d probably do the trick.
His thumbs tuck into the thin straps of your thong before sliding back out. He drags a finger from your bellybutton down to the top of your underwear. Before you can even figure out what he’s doing, Mat rips your thong in half.
“That was brand new,” you gasp.
“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll buy you a lot more when we get home,” he shushes you.
He fiddles with your “13” pendant on the chain around your neck before he pushes you to lean back like you originally were.
“Baby, please. Let me fuck you, please,” you beg as he starts to fist his cock.
He bites on his lip -something he does when he’s being a tease- and nudges your clit with his angry and leaking tip. You let out the sweetest moan and try to move your hips for some kind of friction. Sadly, he stills your movements and shoots you a warning glare. He suddenly lifts you up, pulling you closer and slipping his length in between your folds.
“C’mon, pretty girl. Make a mess,” he instructs you, guiding your hips back and forth until you start to move on your own.
Your hips start slow, trying to get used to the pleasure of this type of teasing. The more wet you become, the easier it is to grind against his length. Your hands rest on his broad shoulders for support and you let your arousal coat your boyfriend.
Your cunt practically jerks him off without him actually being inside of you, and you make sure to rub your clit against the veins of his shaft. Your pleasure drags out along his girth, moans spilling from the seam of your lips. His eyes are glued to the way you work yourself on him, feeling himself start to pulse. Your sticky slickness is a good look on him.
The look of lust that washes over your features turns him on even more, because he’s the one who’s making you feel this way.
“I think I’m going to cum,” you whisper. The pressure on your clit and the fact that Mat’s letting you make a mess on him drives you fast to an orgasm.
“Not yet,” he says, lifting your body off his lap and placing you on his thigh.
Your body is already thrumming, and your orgasm is lingering in your stomach ready to burst at Mat’s signal. You grind against his thick thigh, the hard muscle stroking your clit just right. He flexes the muscles in his thigh and then relaxes them. The action sends a vibration through you and that electricity drives you to the edge. You're barely holding onto your release, but the sensation is quickly making you crumble. You buck your hips faster and you hear the blood rushing to your ears as you continue to throb on top of him. Your wet cunt contracts around nothing and you so badly want his dick inside of you.
“Please, Maty. I need you. I want you inside of me,” you plead and he quickly hauls you off his thigh and pushes into your pussy in a quick stroke.
Your arms lock around his neck as you bounce on his cock, body on fire with how deep he hits inside of you. Your breasts sway in front of him and he shoves his face between the supple flesh. His mouth ravages your skin until you’re left a whimpering mess.
You rut up against him, screams clawing up your throat each time his tip massages your sweet spot. Your hands grab onto the bill of his cap, pulling it back to make tufts of hair stick out and stick to his forehead.
“Yes! Yes! Oh my god. Right there, baby. Fuck yes,” you let the scream rip through your entire body as heat and tingles start to spread beyond your stomach. You bounce down harder as your pussy continues to take him deeper. His hands grip your ass to try to slow you down, but the way your arousal drips down his shaft makes him lose his sanity.
“You better not cum. I can feel your little pussy squeezing down on me,” he grips your throat and speaks into your mouth as you slant your lips over his.
“I’m gonna cum,” you cry, mouth opening in a loud moan during your wet kiss.
Mat abruptly pulls out of you, ignoring your whimpers as he rises to his knees. He loops his arms under your knees, picking you up so your body is completely under his control. He thrusts back into you, using his grip on your hips to slam you down on him.
“Harder,” you whine, throwing your head back. Your chest heaves and you try to match his thrusts but his grip is too tight. You’ll have delicious fingerprints on the dips of your hips later. You feel your body start to shake, your orgasm looming over you. The way Mat bulges in your stomach drags him to the brink of his orgasm.
“You’re so sexy, baby. My needy girl, you like the way my cock feels deep inside of you?” He questions cockily. He knows you're enjoying it by the way your eyes keep rolling to the back of your head and the way you quiver in his grip.
“Yes, Barzy, yes!” You shout, looking dazedly at your man. His cap sits prettily on his head, his chain bounces with his movements, and the way he glows in sweat makes you dizzy. A new flurry of fire rushes to the tips of your fingers and toes. Your pussy clenches in desire.
“I’m gonna cum,” you cry.
“Cum for me, pretty girl,” he grants your wish, pounding into your boneless body.
Moans spill from his mouth as your warm, slick walls flutter around his cock and your orgasm surges through your body. Your all star looks deep into your eyes as he continues to drill into you until your nonsensical mewls become mixed with his grunts.
“Cum for me, baby,” you rasp.
He pulls out, laying you back on the bed and strokes his cock. His fist moves fast. A red flush blooming on his neck and chest as he feels his balls tighten.
“Yeah, baby. Just like that. My hot ass, all star boyfriend. Just like that, baby. Cum for me,” you spur him on, circling your clit for extra motivation.
“Fuck,” he whimpers as ropes of cum squirt onto your stomach.
You scoop some of his expense with your finger and pop it into your mouth.
“I love you,” he says as you obscenely moan around your digit.
Mat pulls your finger out of your mouth and replaces it with his tongue, making you even more breathless.
“I love you, baby. I’m so proud of you,” you press a chaste kiss to his lips and chest. One hand rests on his back while your other rests on the back of his neck, fiddling with the hair hidden underneath his hat. Your legs tighten around his hips to keep him close.
“Never leave my side,” he requests, tracing the pendant of your necklace.
“Never,” you assure him, combing your fingers through his hair as he cuddles into you, head resting on your chest and a hand placed on your stomach.
There’s nothing that can be compared to this feeling.
a/n: This was written fairly quickly so sorry if it’s all over the place. Enjoy!!
warnings: hospitals, miscarriages, mentions pain, nausea, and blood, mentions abortion, mentions panic attacks, grief, anger, some angst, and mat being kind of mean, also mentions trying for a baby and I think that’s all (pls let me know if I missed any)
this take place september 2030
“Where are the kids?” You ask, voice hoarse and eyes puffy.
“Shhh shhh. The kids are with Bev. Baby, what happened? I got a call from the hospital and I went straight to drop the kids off, thank god Beverly was home,” Mat takes a seat next to the side of the hospital bed. He brings your hand into his and you can tell he’s been crying.
“I-“ you start but stop as you start coughing.
“You need some water,” he presses the call button that alerts the nurse.
After a few sips of water, you close your eyes to try to gather your thoughts about all that you could remember.
“This morning, after I got to the photo shoot, I started feeling nauseous and my lower back was in a lot of pain. I just thought I was about to start my period. I don’t really remember anything after that. I think I remember seeing blood and then everyone started freaking out. Eventually everything went black,” you recall the foggy events that led you here.
“Do you know what happened? Did the doctor come to talk to you?” He asks but tries to hide his frantic state.
“I just woke up. I’m still in pain. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m scared, Maty,” you grip his hand really tight, bringing his palm up to your cheek for warmth and comfort.
“It’s going to be okay, baby. I love you. I’m here and you’re going to be okay,” he whispers against your forehead, willing his tears to go away.
A knock sounds on the door and Mat tells them that they can come in. The look on the doctor’s face makes you go pale.
“Is everything okay? Am I okay?” You ask warily.
“It’s nothing too serious, but I regret to inform you that you’re miscarrying at the moment,” the words fade out, your head fuzzy and heart pounding.
“I’m sorry what?” Mat says in shock.
You try to take deep breaths but everything feels shallow.
“Mrs. Barzal, you’re going through a miscarriage which is why you are experiencing severe pain and were bleeding earlier. We do, however, want to perform an ultrasound to confirm,” the doctor says in an eerie tone.
Tears spring to your eyes and you shake your head. This cannot be happening. The nausea returns and twists at your abdomen.
“That’s not possible,” you whisper.
“It’s what your blood test is telling us. We’re going to take you to a different room for your ultrasound,” the doctor says along with some other information before they leave the room.
“Oh my god,” you cover your face with your hands and throw your head back.
“I love you,” Mat kisses your forehead.
“This can’t be happening,” is the only thing you say.
An hour later it’s confirmed that your body is going through a miscarriage, and you feel like everything beneath your feet has been taken from you. You feel so empty and you didn’t even know you were pregnant.
You close your eyes and force yourself to fall asleep, but even then your mind still reels at the events of the day. Not even Mat’s hesitant touch can help you feel better.
“Y/n, wake up,” you hear Mat whisper softly in your ear a couple hours later.
You blink your eyes, the blinding light of the room making your head hurt.
“The doctor said that you will be discharged in about an hour,” he informs you, but you honestly just hear static.
Everything from that point on is a blur of unshed tears and horrific thoughts. The shrill sound of your babies wanting to be in your arms when you get home momentarily distracts you, but that emptiness lingers. You try to distract yourself with being a mom and setting up dates with your close friends. You move throughout the house, cleaning every surface over and over again to keep you sane. You go through about 4 wooden pencils as you write and write until you’re snapping each pencil in half with your strong grip. You take extra long showers to wash away each trace of grief that may be left on your body.
After a week of feeling like a robot, you start to feel every emotion you’ve been trying to push down come back up. It doesn’t help that Mat pulled himself away from you. You don’t remember the last time you had a full conversation that didn’t revolve around your kids or random topics that warranted a 30 second talk. You cancel all plans and lock yourself in the guest bedroom.
The empty feeling spreads from your stomach all over your entire body. How could you not know you were pregnant? Why wasn’t your body strong enough to keep them alive? Why did you feel so alone despite Mat being a father and a mother all while he’s trying to help you?
You sob your eyes out and twist in agony, because each time you feel like you might be okay, you’re reminded that your body failed you. No one prepares you for what it feels like to lose something you didn’t even know you could lose. You hate yourself for feeling this way, because it’s selfish when you already have kids and a husband. A family that’s already felt complete, but now it just feels broken.
It takes several phone calls to your therapist before you feel like you can function without your heart aching every second. You realized that you need your babies’ hugs and kisses. You needed to feel some kind of love.
You attempt to put back all of your broken pieces by playing with your children or napping with them. Simply just being around them puts a smile on your face. You start to feel yourself come around more. You start hanging out with friends again and laughing and feeling anything but sadness. You try to be more positive in situations you’d automatically become upset with.
The only thing that’s keeping you down is Mat. He’s become really good at being just a roommate. He’ll work with you when it comes to the kids, but other than that the space between you both feels like miles rather than inches. You’ve let him keep to himself, because you’re not sure how he’s coping with what happened- especially because you’ve locked yourself away for the past week or so.
Eventually you get tired of his silence and pressure him into talking to you.
“What’s going on?” You ask one night when he’s just getting out of the shower.
“What are you talking about?”
You stay silent for a minute and just watch him. His face conveys nonchalance, but his body is rigid.
“You know what I’m talking about, babe. Why have you been so distant with me? Is it because I’ve been sad? I’m better now and even if I wasn’t, you can still talk to me,” you say, walking up to him and putting a hand on his shoulder.
His body stiffens and he slowly moves away from your touch.
That really hurts.
“It’s not about that, Y/n. Believe it or not, I’m not feeling this way because you were or are sad,” he blurts out.
He continues to move around the room, getting dressed and putting on lotion.
“Okay. So what’s wrong? Why are you being pissy with me?”
“Like you don’t know,” he says.
“Obviously I don’t. Why do you think I’m asking?” He’s really starting to make you mad.
“How could you not tell me?” He finally asks.
“Not tell you what? I’m so confused right now,” you tug on your hair and shut your eyes, trying to come up with the missing details.
“How could you not tell me that you were pregnant? I had to find out by seeing you in the hospital because you were having a miscarriage,” he just about shouts and it makes you flinch.
“I didn’t even know I was pregnant. I was just as in the dark as you were. I would’ve told you if I was pregnant. I can’t believe you’d think that I’d keep something like that from you,” you explain with your voice and head low.
“Shit. I- I’m sorry. I just assumed that you knew and I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I love you,” he gathers you in his arms and just holds you.
“I’m sorry I pushed everyone away. I just needed some time to think about things and to be sad,” you say through tears.
“It’s okay. I love you,” he kisses your temple.
“I love you.”
Later that night you’re both in bed, cuddling and basking in the comfortable silence.
“Mat?”
“Yeah, baby?”
“I think you should get snipped,” you voice your most recent thought.
“What?” He questions because he’s not sure if he’s hearing things.
“I really think you should get a vasectomy,” you reiterate.
“Wait… why?”
You adjust in his grip so you can fully face him. Your hand goes to rest on his cheek and you thumb at his skin.
“I think I’m done with having babies. We have 3 and I think that’s enough,” you say.
“No. That’s not what I meant. I mean why do I have to be the one to get the procedure done?”
“Well why not?” You ask back.
“I can’t get that because I have to be sharp for hockey. I can’t spend weeks just lazing around during a recovery period, you know that. You should get your tubes tied,” he explains and you let out a scoff.
You move away from him and get off the bed in favor of pacing around the room.
“I’ve held each of our babies inside of me for 9 months. I breastfed all of them. I just had a miscarriage for a baby I didn’t even know existed. My body is constantly changing. That’s not always an ideal situation for my career, especially because my body is an important aspect of my job. Hell, I’m practically art! So, no, I’m not going to be the one to get my tubes tied,” you rant, eyes squinted and a frown wrinkling your forehead.
“I thought that’s why you started taking classes at Pratt, so modeling wouldn’t be the only thing you have going for you?” He replies, subtly putting words in your mouth.
Your every feature turns down in a sad and disappointed pout. You honestly didn’t see this conversation going in this direction. The whiplash is unreal.
“That’s not what I was aiming for when I decided to take some classes. You’re being a real ass right now,” you bite.
“I’m being an ass? What about you? You just assumed that I don’t want any more kids. You know, I want you to at least want one of them, because if you haven’t noticed you really didn’t want either of them,” he spits out, face red as a tomato.
That makes you cry. That assumption that you never wanted your kids makes you die on the inside.
“At first, you wanted to get an abortion with Nolan,” he says when you stay silent.
You cross your arms over your chest and cock up an eyebrow, daring him to continue.
“You didn’t really want Angel. I remember you saying that you didn’t want any more kids after Nolan,” he adds.
You glare at him in return.
“Lastly, you said you didn’t really like the timing of Sloane and I can’t blame you, because you went and broke up with me and then hid it from me. No wonder I thought you hid this one, too,” Mat rips into you, voice laced with venom.
“You listen to me, Mathew Barzal, if I really didn’t want to have our kids, I wouldn’t have had them. Believe me when I say that. Of course I wanted our kids. Was I scared out of my mind each pregnancy? Yes! Would I take them back? Hell no. I love our babies, so for you to say that really sucks,” you respond, wiping away your tears.
He just shakes his head in return.
“I’m scared of pregnancy. I just lost a baby and you expect me to want to try for another one? I don’t know if I can do that for you, for us,” you correct your last couple of words before he can turn them into something else.
He watches you, staying silent as you fall apart at his feet.
“Is this going to be the end of us?” You ask.
“Why is it always a breakup with you? Is that what you really want? Deep down, do you really not want to be with me?” He accuses.
“No! I just feel like you don’t love me, so I’m not going to beg you to stay if that’s not what you want. I can’t even give you a baby, so there’s that,” you admit.
“I lost the baby, too,” Mat points out.
“I know that, Mathew. I know, but you don’t understand what it’s like as a mother to go through a loss like that. My body should be capable of growing a life. Then you go and say that I didn’t even want my kids. You don’t know what it feels like to feel so utterly empty and alone. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know that they existed, because as a mother, I should’ve known,” you whisper as your voice starts to become strained.
You feel your chest start to cave in on you and the lack of support makes your knees buckle. You go straight to the floor, tucking your knees into your chest for some kind of stability. You’ve never seen Mat so upset. You’ve never been on the receiving end of it. Part of you is mad at him for the way he’s talking to you, but another part of you understands. This whole miscarriage has turned your world upside down. You’d be naive to think that it wouldn’t affect him too.
“Baby, don’t cry. It wasn’t your fault. I love you, always. I promise it’s going to be okay,” he wraps you in his arms and squeezes you to his chest. He beats himself up for the way his words caused you to crumble. Seeing you break after already being broken down snaps him out of his anger. His word vomit just spewed out, but maybe it was a good thing because everything was out on the table.
You don’t blame him, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
He doesn’t know it, but the beat of his heart does wonders to calm you down before you can have a panic attack.
“Do you hate me?” You lock your hands behind his neck, desperate to have him pressed to you in any way possible.
“Never. I’m sorry I made you feel like I did. I swear I would never hate you,” he rubs your back.
“You said I didn’t want our babies,” you get out through the remnants of your cries.
“Do you really feel that way? Be honest,” you speak again.
“Part of me used to feel that way, but every time I see you with our babies, I see how much you love them. You’re the best mama bear to our little loves. I wouldn’t have had kids with you, if I felt certain that you didn’t want them. I was just being an asshole,” he whispers into your temple.
You sniffle at his response, feeling another bout of tears ready to fall because you never knew he felt that way.
“Are you sad about the miscarriage?” You need his feelings to be transparent.
“Yeah. A lot more than I thought I would be. I’m also angry, because you shouldn’t have had to go through that. I should’ve known you were pregnant, maybe things would be different,” he answers honestly.
“It’s not your fault either. This is just a really sucky thing,” you try to comfort him, but you can see the tears in his eyes and the way his bottom lip wobbles.
“I’m sorry for being mean. I can’t take it back, but just know that I love you so much,” he finally cries.
You pull him closer, hand caressing his neck and back and you kiss his cheeks.
“We’ll work through it. We always do. Do you really want another baby?” You look into his eyes.
“I do. One more baby barzal, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to because I made you feel bad about an insecurity I have,” he admits, thumb wiping away your tears. His forehead leans against yours and for the first time in a couple of weeks, you feel whole.
“Insecurity?” It’s the first you’re ever hearing about it and it shocks you to your core. For as long as you’ve known Mat he’s always been the secure and stable one.
“I sometimes thought you were just having kids to please me and not because you were ready to have them. I guess I was feeling insecure about our age gap. I finally got somewhat of an understanding of what you used to feel like,” he explains and you feel guilty for never realizing.
“Why didn’t you ever tell me? I could’ve soothed your worries a long time ago. Like I said, I had our babies because I wanted to.”
“I thought I could get away with it, but I guess it just bubbled up until I couldn't hold it in anymore. I promise to come to you whenever I get an insecurity, or just any little problem really. You’re my wife, I need you all the time,” he pulls you in for a kiss. You try to kiss every single one of his worries away.
“I would like to purposely try to make a baby, but I don’t know when I’ll be ready. Just have some patience with me,” you say into his mouth.
He shakes his head.
“I don’t want to pressure you into having another baby if that’s not something you want to do.”
“Mat, baby, you’re not pressuring me into anything. I’ve been having some baby fever lately. Miss Sloane is getting older, so it’d be nice to have another baby,” you assure him.
“Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready,” he says, pulling you into a kiss.
“I love you. We’re going to get through this,” you promise him. And you will,, no doubt about it.
Being riddled with grief and guilt- that can only come from the way you both acted towards each other- will make you both stronger in the end. Stronger as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. You’re just glad you’re going through it all with your husband by your side. It’s Mathew or no one, and it’s safe to say that he feels the same way.
a/n: Looks like mat and model!reader have some therapy and lots of talking to do before they fix everything. As always, hope y’all enjoy!
warnings: vomiting, dehydration, sunburns, pregnancy (let me know if i missed any)
a/n: first eddy fic!! Didn’t expect it to be 2.1k words but it’s his birthday so I’m happy with it. I hope y’all enjoy! *also this isn't edited*
Distant yelling and talking wakes you from your sleep. You don’t even have to try to guess where all the noise is coming from. It’s known that summers at the lake house with a bunch of hockey players are always noisy. It’s your first summer at the lake house, but you don’t have to worry about adjusting to the noise because you’ve known these boys for a little bit now.
Turning your head, you are surprised that Ethan isn’t still in bed. Actually you’re surprised that the boys are up at 9am. They had spent all day in the water and all night drinking and playing games. You and Ethan had an even longer night, taking advantage of the privacy given by having your own room in the house.
Getting out of bed, you pin your hair up with a claw clip, and slip on your bikini and throw Ethan’s umich shirt on top. The fact that you can wear a bikini and a tshirt all day, everyday while at the lake house might be your favorite thing.
You’re quick to brush your teeth and wash your face so you can make your way into the chaos that is a bunch of men.
“Well good morning, y/n! You’re up early,” Dylan states enthusiastically, causing everyone’s head to turn to you. When Ethan catches you in his line of sight, he smiles that smile that made you fall in love with him, resulting in you smiling wide.
‘I’m up early?” You ask sarcastically before grabbing the back of Ethan’s neck to pull his head back so you can give him a quick peck. Laying your hand on his bare chest, feeling the steady, relaxing beat of his heart.
“You guys are the ones who are up earlier than usual,” you continue, taking a seat next to Ethan who gets up to serve you breakfast.
“The guys wanted to play a game of volleyball and then have a bbq later in the evening,’ Ethan explains.
“Ahhh. That’s why you all are sweaty,’ you giggle and run your hand up and down Ethan’s back.
“You should join us in a game, y/n/n,” Luke suggests, but you had just wanted to lay out in the sun the whole day.
“Sorry boys. I will be tanning, but I can still cheer you all on,” you say knowing that the chances of you staying awake out in the sun were low.
-
After breakfast, everyone returns outside. You set up a small area where you will be for the rest of the daylight.
“Babe, are you sure you want to lay out in the sun all day? I know you, and you will most likely fall asleep and I don’t want you to get a sunburn,” Ethan expresses his concern which melts your heart, knowing that he knows you so well.
“I’ll be fine, E. I have an alarm set so I won’t get a sunburn. I also have to cheer you on while you kick their asses in volleyball,” you reply as you walk up to him, wrapping your arms around his neck and leaning your body into his. Your answer is enough to bring a bright red blush to his cheeks, and he’s quick to hide his face by looking down at the ground. You move your hands to his cheeks to get him to look at you and he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you tightly against him.
“You’re hot, babe,” feeling his skin pressed to yours is always nice, but you can feel how hot his skin is and you know he needs to stay hydrated.
“So are you,” he smirks and you can’t help but laugh at his cheekiness.
“Not what I meant. Make sure to drink lots of water, I don’t need you passing out on me, my love,” you mutter in his ear.
“Got it, captain. Can I rub sunscreen on you?” You nod and allow him to rub sunscreen all over you while he presses kisses to your body.
“Ew, is it just me or is this sunscreen really potent? It’s bothering me,” you whisper to him, disgust on your face.
“It smells like regular sunscreen to me, but do you want me to stop?”
“No, I will just try not to focus on it. Maybe I’m getting sick or about to start my period,” you respond.
“Done! Relax for me? I don’t want you to feel worse. I love you.”
“I love you more.”
-
When your alarm goes off, you see a panting Ethan next to you with a sly smile on his face.
“What’re you up to, E?”
“Can I do something?”
“What?”
“I found these stickers in the house and I wanted to put them on you while you tan, so when you take them off it turns into a sun tattoo,” he tells you.
“What’re the stickers?”
“73,” he gives a small smirk.
“You’re kidding… where do you want to put it?”
He leans forward to bite the flesh of your boob that peeks from the top of your bikini top.
“Make it fast,” you give him permission; he cheers silently but very excitedly.
While he places the stickers perfectly on your skin you get a wave of nausea that causes you to sit up in a hurry.
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t feel too good. I almost threw up. Can you get me some water?”
“Of course,” he answers before running in the house to get you a glass of water.
“Here, babe. Do you think you should go inside?”
You shake your head then lean it on his warm shoulder.
“I’m fine. I think I’m just dehydrated,” you go back to laying down on your blanket.
“I’m going to go fill up my water bottle for you,” Ethan presses a kiss to your lips before getting up to go in the house again.
“Maybe I should stay here with you to make sure you’re okay. I don’t need you passing out on me,” he repeats your words back to you. He’s leaning over you as you lay down and his worry is very evident as it swims in his body and flows out from his eyes.
You reach out a hand to caress his cheek, rubbing it with your thumb.
“I’m okay, bub. Go back out there and have fun. I will stay here and try to nap again.” You kiss him then rub your nose against his before he gets up to return back to the game of volleyball.
-
A full hour passes when you wake up again, your body sore and burning. You forgot to turn the alarm back on. You wince as you try to sit up and it immediately brings tears to your eyes.
“E!!” You call out, regretting it as you feel the strain in your skin.
He comes running as fast as he can.
“Hey… hey, pretty girl. What’s wrong? What hurts?” He asks frantically.
“I forgot to turn my alarm back on, and slept for a while and now I’m sunburned,” you try to say through your soft cries. Everyone is quiet and focusing on the scene in front of them; they’re worried about you as well, and seeing that their attention is on you is enough to make you cry harder out of embarrassment.
Ethan tucks some pieces of your hair behind your ears, kisses your forehead and picks you up slowly, so he won’t hurt you. “I’m going to take you to the room so we can lay down. I’ll put some aloe on you too,” he whispers in your ear.
When you get to your room, he sets you on the bed and looks you over.
“The sunburn isn’t too bad, it probably hurt a lot more because you were still in the sun. I’ll put some aloe on you, though,” he reassures you.
You’re sitting up on the bed with Ethan between your legs. Your head is against his chest while he rubs the aloe into the skin of your back and shoulders. When he gets to your front, he softly pulls off the stickers, revealing the ‘73’ sun tattoo. He presses a chaste kiss on the spot and continues to cover you in aloe.
Just as he’s about to finish, you straighten up because the urge to puke is back. You run to the restroom to empty out your stomach and Ethan isn’t far behind you. He lightly pulls your hair into a makeshift ponytail and slowly massages the back of your neck.
Your whimpers let Ethan know that you’re not feeling good at all.
“I’m late,” you whisper to him, not wanting to risk anyone who may be around hearing.
“Late?”
“My period is late… very late. I’m about a month late, and I realized earlier but I didn’t want to think about it, but now I’m thinking about it and me throwing up is adding more to those thoughts. What if I’m pregnant?” You start crying again, causing Ethan to pull you into a hug.
“I will go to the store and get you a test, okay?” He gets up to leave, almost robotically. You know he’s freaking out on the inside. You’re both young and despite wanting to spend the rest of your lives together, you know kids aren’t the plan at the moment.
“Wait! Say you love me. Say that this won’t change anything. Say that you won’t leave me because if I’m pregnant, I won’t be giving up my baby. Oh my god. I’ve ruined everything,” you’re holding onto his wrist and crying hysterically. He frees his wrist and says that he’ll be back and just like that you’re left alone with your thoughts.
While he’s gone, you start packing all your belongings because you want to be prepared if everything goes south. When Ethan gets back, he’s shocked to see you packing up.
“What’re you doing? I have the test so whenever you’re ready,” he tries touching you, but you flinch away. You grab the bag from his hands and head straight to the restroom, locking the door so Ethan can’t follow you in. You take the test with shaking hands, praying for you don’t know what. After the long 3 minutes, you look at the test only to see ‘pregnant’ staring back at you. You rush out and into the room to continue packing your clothes.
“What did the test say?”
“I’ll be out by the morning,” you say, although your voice cracking makes it hard to understand what you said.
“Y/n, what did the test say?” You can tell Ethan’s patience is running thin.
You hand him the test and refrain from looking at his reaction. Ethan comes up behind you to give you a strong hug. You instantly break down in his hold.
“I’m sorry,” you repeat.
“Stop. It’s okay, we’ll figure this out,” he mutters into your hair.
“You want to stay?”
“Of course. I know my lack of response was shitty, but you just caught me off guard. I love you and I love this baby,” he states truthfully.
“What about when you get drafted? You’ll leave and I’ll stay in Michigan? This won’t work out,” you express your main concern.
“No, it’ll work out. You can come with me. I will be making money and I’ll be able to care for you. For our family.” It’s at this moment you realize he’s crying.
“I love you.”
“I love you.”
-
You both had ventured downstairs to eat dinner. You can tell everyone knows something is wrong, but don’t want to ask and you appreciate that. Although you can’t wait to tell the boys about your family in the making, you want some time to enjoy it privately.
So after eating, you and Ethan go upstairs to finally settle down in bed. You in his tshirt and panties and him in just his boxers; he moves his hand up your shirt to caress your stomach.
“Just think, this time next year we’ll have a little us,” he whispers happily.
“Yeah we will.”
“A boy or girl?” He asks.
“I don’t care as long as they’re healthy, but a boy would be cool,” you answer.
“I want a girl. A little you.” You smile at his wish, putting your hand in his hair to massage his scalp softly.
Silence fills the room, the ceiling fan helps relax your muscles and sleep comes to take over. You check the time on your phone, a smile flashes across your face when you see that it’s past midnight.
“Happy birthday, eddy baby. Me and baby Edwards love you so much.” He smiles, kisses your lips and cuddles more into you before fully falling asleep.
How do they get back together? Please say it’s the model reader that goes after Mat instead of the other way around.
Lessons Learned
mat barzal x model!fem!reader
a visceral in doses fic
warnings: insecurities, mentions therapy, cursing, minor angst, slight mentions of blood, and I think that’s all
pt 2 of Right Where You Left Me
It’s been a lousy, dragged out month of self pity and anger. You’re upset with the way you handled things with Mat. You were proving your one sided point of you being too young right all because you couldn’t communicate with him. Why, you, thought breaking up with him rather than talking with him was a more beneficial idea? You have no clue. Mat is one of the most understanding people you’ve come to know. But because you’re you, you’ve also stayed clear of anything that has to do with Mat. Not that he was calling or texting you anyways. He is probably so done with you.
The day after everything went down, you realized your mistake but it was too late. Even if it wasn’t too late, you’re too stubborn to do anything about it. You don’t really deserve Mat, but you want him so bad.
During your flight back home from your latest photo shoot, you think over every little thing. You want to talk to Mat, but you can’t stop the thoughts of him not wanting you back, or worse, moving on from flooding your mind. You chew on your bottom lip until you taste blood and your leg hasn’t stopped shaking. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?
Before you can overthink it, you get an uber to Mat’s place and hope that he’s home.
His front door looks daunting, but it also reminds you of all the good times you’ve had in his home. You shake out your nerves and knock on the door. You’re met with silence. A minute passes and you knock again. It’s followed by more silence. You lean your forehead on the cool wood, trying not to let yourself get discouraged.
“Y/n?” You hear his voice behind you.
You quickly look up, snapping your head over your shoulder to face him. His hair is longer than it was a month ago. His eyes are tired and so is his body. His large bags look extra heavy in his hands. All your thoughts disappear when you connect your eyes with his.
“Hi. I didn’t know you weren’t home,” you say.
“We just got back from a roadie,” he answers, a nervous hand going through his hair.
Your fingers fidget with a loose strand of thread from your tank top. You try to form the right words in your head, but you feel intimidated under his gaze.
“Oh. Well I should probably leave and let you get settled in. It was nice seeing you,” you say and move away from his door.
“Y/n, you’re here for a reason. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine!” You blurt out.
You watch him through squinted eyes, because not even you buy your lie. You bite down on your lips and throw your head back with a groan.
“Okay. Fuck, I’m not fine, but you just got home so I’m sure you don’t feel like talking right now,” you slap a hand on your forehead.
You’re frazzled, but then you hear a small giggle fall from Mat’s lips.
“We can talk, but first we have to go inside,” he gestures to his front door but you quickly shake your head.
“No. I can’t go inside. Besides, it’ll be quick. I just wanted to tell you that I fucked up. I’m insecure and I fucked up big time. I broke up with you because I hate the way people possibly perceive me when they find out we’re dating. You’re older than me and wiser, so I get intimidated by that. That other person from the party just made me really jealous, and I lost my cool which made me not communicate well with you. I became my worst insecurity. I became this little, naive girl who can’t display her emotions, who can’t communicate. I suck and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry,” you rant, voice thick but strong.
“You’re shaking” he reaches out a hand to place on your arm. It's an immediate warmth that you feel and you close your eyes to relish in it.
“Yeah, well I’m really scared right now,” you whisper.
“Why?” He asks back in a whisper.
“Because I love you, but I don’t know if you still love me or even want me,” you admit, taking a chance to peer up at him.
“Always. I always want you and I always love you, but I need there to be a change,” he says and you feel your heart fall.
He’s not being unreasonable, but you wish you could just automatically change. You’d put in the work anyways, especially for him.
“You’re right. I’m a sucky girlfriend and you deserve better, so I have been going to my therapist a lot more. I’m working on how to properly communicate. I’m also trying to remind myself that I’m enough for you and that I can handle your life and our life together. I’m trying,” you explain.
“I’m proud of you,” you smile at his statement.
“Thank you. I should probably get home and let you unpack. I’ll call you later and maybe we can go on a date,” you suggest, smiling shyly at him.
He stays silent which you take as his agreement. You squeeze his arm affectionately and start to walk away, but you feel him tug on your hand. He pulls you towards him and you spin into his arms, your hands subconsciously connecting behind his neck.
“What makes you think I want my girlfriend to leave? I haven’t seen or talked to you in a month. I want a kiss. I want to love you in my bed. I want you right here in my arms,” he secures his arms around your waist and whispers in your ear.
You can feel butterflies flutter in your stomach and your cheeks heat up.
“But you said that I needed to change, so I thought maybe we should have some space,” you explain.
“Well I know it’s going to take some time to make changes, and you’re not the only one who has to change. I also don’t want any more space. We went a month without each other, I want you with me at all times. I love you,” he assures you.
“I love you. I’m so sorry. I promise I’m going to change. I want to be the girl you deserve, the girl you need,” you cry, your tears finally breaking through. All your tension releases from your shoulders and you can’t help but shake in his arms.
“You’re my dream girl. Like I said, it’s only you. You’re the love of my life. Please come inside, take a shower with me,” he pleads, his large hands traveling down to squeeze at your ass.
“Fine. Kiss me first,” you tug on his shirt.
He leans down, sucking your top lip between his two lips. Your body melts into his- especially when his tongue dips into your mouth.
“You’re perfect,” he says into your mouth.
“No, you are,” you grab the keys from his front pocket, smiling at the way his breath hitches at your touch. You unlock his door and drag him in.
warnings: angst, self inflicted doubts, slight jealousy, lack of communication, age gaps, break ups, alcohol consumption, and I think that’s all
this takes place when they were just dating
You sit in your bedroom, trying to stop your tears from falling as you look out your window. It’s to no avail.
How could a perfect night end up so terribly wrong? You were meant to celebrate your latest magazine cover with Mat in attendance. Now you’re crying your eyes out, wishing you never invited him along.
The night started off great. You and Mat walked around, socializing with everyone there. You both had a couple drinks and Mat quite literally never left your side. He was proud of you and wanted to see how appreciated you are. You’re the one who left his side. Never in your life have you been the jealous type, but when you walked back to Mat after getting you and him drinks from the bar, you weren’t expecting to see him so enthusiastically talking to another woman. His smile is wide to the point you can see his dimples. His body language is relaxed and her’s is laced with interest. Why wouldn’t she be?
You linger back, halting your steps in favor of letting the crowd drown you out from where you’re witnessing Mat and the woman’s conversation. Deciding to avoid them, you turn and find someone to talk to. Your conversation is only a distraction especially when you can hear the distinct sound of your boyfriend’s laughter. You peek over your shoulder only to regret it the second you catch a glance at the woman he’s talking to. She’s a woman. In every sense. Her makeup is so elegant and light. Her hair is perfectly curled and pinned, and her outfit looks like it was designed just for her. She’s everything you’re insecure about- especially in regard to your relationship and age gap with Mat.
You bite the bullet and excuse yourself from who you were talking to, making your way to the person you wish you didn’t want to avoid.
“Hi,” you mumble and mentally slap yourself for coming off as shy or intimidated.
“Y/n! Hi, honey. Your cover is fantastic! For a young model you sure do have an amazing resume,” she compliments you, her words have a way of punching your gut.
“Thank you! That means a lot,” you try to fake a smile and she buys it, but you can see Mat look at you from the corner of your eye.
“I am so sorry. Where are my manners? This is Mathew Barzal, he’s a hockey player. I don’t know how he ended up at an event like this, but we were just talking about hockey. As an older Canadian who grew up around hockey, I was attempting to school him. I wanted to see if he knew his own game as well as I do,” the woman says, cocking her head to the side in utter confidence.
You knew she was older.
You give her another faint smile before responding.
“He’s a great hockey player. Mat’s my boyfriend,” you state and watch as realization crosses her facial features.
“My goodness, sorry. He didn’t mention he was here with his girlfriend, but I guess it never really came up. Wow! How did a man like you end up with a girl like Y/n? I would’ve expected you to be with someone around your age and not as busy,” she has the audacity to say to your face.
“I can keep up with him just fine, thanks for your concern,” you bite, smiling sarcastically.
“She’s the best girlfriend,” Mat finally decided to contribute to the conversation. He throws an arm over your shoulders, but you quickly remove yourself after bidding a quick goodbye to the woman whose name you’re glad you didn’t learn.
You never wanted to see her again.
“Are you okay?” Mat asks, catching up to you and resting a hand on your arm.
“I’m fine,” you say stoically.
“No you’re not,” he points out.
“Then why’d you ask?” You snap, still facing away from him.
“What the hell is going on?” He grabs your shoulders and turns you towards him.
“What the hell is going on with you and that lady?” You question.
Mat looks confused because why are you angry about him talking to someone else. Mat looks confused because why are you tearing up and not making eye contact with him?
“What are you talking about?” He tries to reach for your hands, but you pull them away from him before he can touch you.
“Stop doing that,” he whispers.
His veins on his neck are already starting to pop out and his face is getting flushed. He’s having a hard time being patient with you.
“Can you take me home?” You ask silently.
“Can you answer my question?”
“No, because if I do, we’re just going to fight,” you answer.
“Why would you, answering my question, make us fight? If anything, you not answering my question and ignoring me is what’s pissing me off,” he claims, a warning in his tone.
You drag your fingers through your hair and turn away from him again. You can feel your chest heave even though you’re trying to hide it. You face him again, your teary eyes flashing up at him. The crinkle in between your eyebrows gets Mat to close the distance and smooth out the skin with his thumb. You hold onto his wrist and push his hand away.
“You looked like you were really enjoying your conversation with her. Like I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so animated, not even with me,” you whisper and shut your eyes.
Mat’s eyebrows turn down in a frown and his lips form into a semi-frown.
“That can’t be true, and we were just talking about hockey. You know I love hockey,” he says.
“You never talk with me about hockey, besides game details. I know you know that hockey isn’t my favorite, but when it comes to you I’d talk about anything.”
“I don’t mean to not talk about hockey with you. I can change that, though, easily,” he tries to calm your worries, but you can’t stop the thoughts in your head.
“The thing is that you can find it so easy to talk to another woman about something that you find hard to talk about with me,” you counter. Your face pinches up in discomfort.
“You can’t place all of that blame on me,” he responds.
“I’m not trying to blame just you. She just seemed really interested in you and what she said was bitchy. She made it seem like you both were flirting,” you stress.
“That wasn’t my case. I was just talking to her about hockey,” Mat defends himself. You believe him but those damn thoughts in your head can’t be silenced.
“I just can’t get over the vibe I got from the way you looked so cozy.”
“I don’t know what to tell you to make you believe me. I’m telling the truth that nothing was or is going on with that woman. It was just a conversation. I don’t know how to get through to you,” he says through clenched teeth.
You grab onto his hand for the first time since you started this conversation. You squeeze them gently before looking into Mat’s eyes.
“That’s my fault. I just- I thought maybe you didn’t know how to handle me, but maybe I don’t know how to handle you. You and all that you come with. Maybe you should be with someone older and not some little girl who doesn’t know what she’s dealing with,” you admit through soft cracks of your voice.
Mat wipes away your tears, looking down at you with a saddened expression.
“No. No, please don’t do this. You are perfect for me. I don’t want a girlfriend if it’s not you, you know me,” he argues, shaking his head repeatedly and continuously wiping away your tears.
“We’re at different stages in life. You need someone older. Someone who isn’t me! I’m not right for you and clearly that’s noticeable to everyone except us,” you explain, flitting your eyes up to his only to regret it once you see nothing but pain in them.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you giving up on us? You’re the love of my life, that much I’m sure of. It’s only 5 years. We’re both adults,” he states, holding onto your face even though it’s no use.
“Can you please just take me home?”
Mat doesn’t say anything. He bitterly nods his head and moves away from you, begrudgingly walking to his car.
The car ride is quiet and tense. The air condition isn’t enough to drown out the silence or your sniffles. Each time Mat hears you, he flinches and recoils his hands before he can fully reach out to touch you.
When he parks outside of your apartment, he hastily gets out to open your door for you. Your heart twists in an ache that seems like it’ll be a permanent visitor. You’re going to miss him so much.
“I can get up by myself,” you mutter when you realize he’s following you inside.
“Please, Y/n. I love you,” he pulls you back by your hand, a hand going to your waist because he physically can’t let go of you.
“And I love you. That’s why we can’t be together. You deserve someone better,” you stress.
“You don’t get it. There is no one better. There is just you. You, Y/n L/n, the love of my life. What do I need to do to make you believe that? What have I done to make you doubt me?”
“Nothing. Follow me or don’t follow me up, but we’re done, okay?” You pull out of his grasp, hoping and begging that he doesn’t follow you.
When you get to your door, your shaking hands fumble the keys and struggle to unlock your door. You can feel his presence behind you and it makes you feel worse. You rip the door open, hoping that behind it there’s fresh air. You turn to close it, rapidly blinking your tears away as you stare into Mat’s eyes. You see his red rimmed eyes and the defeated gaze in his face, but you don’t have it in yourself to say anything. You close the door in his face and wait a few minutes for him to leave so you can break down completely. You had no idea that he spent the entire night outside your front door, hearing you sob and fighting with himself to find a way to comfort you.
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