Awake For A Moment

There's a moment each day when I don't feel asleep. #awakeforamoment var sc_project=10814284; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="44a281f4"; var scJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://secure." : "http://www."); document.write("");

[awakeforamoment]

When it comes to problems Dad is like a self cleaning litter box.

The line from my speech at dAds wedding that got the biggest laugh. I can see dads face almost crying with laughter as I look up from my mic. 3.11.16

[awakeforamoment]

We've been practicing.

My soon to be bros quelling all my fears of being an embarrassing dictator of an older step sister, when they told me they had been practicing dance steps and singing for our performance at our parents wedding. They are the best. 3.10.16

[awakeforamoment]

Are you the flower girl?

Mom asking me tacitly and snottily and fundamentally insecurely about dads wedding. Suddenly I'm done playing along. He's happy for the first time. She's not. No patience for that shit. 3.8.16

[awakeforamoment]

Overshare

At my book club the girls preface their admissions with a warning of over sharing. It never is. And I never do. And they're more responsive to eachother than to me. Do I need to express shame before I share my feelings in order for them to be relatable. As a side note, I love my book club. 3.7.16 - crown heights at Megan's house

[awakeforamoment]

It's so crazy that i'm looking at the face i could be looking at for the rest of my life.

in bed after i made her cry showing her a video i made of our first year together. 

3.7.16

[awakeforamoment]

she is really beautiful.

my girlfriend, describing my ex, comparing herself. Painful to hear because she’s right and i never really saw it. One more reason i was absolutely blind to my ex. Also because my girlfriend was clearly trying to understand how i could be with her now, having been with my ex, who does admittedly present very differently in terms of gender and body type, and that’s a sign of an insecurity that i’m probably fueling because of my continued sadness that i’ve lost my ex in my life, even if i don’t want to be with her. And the potentially red flag difference between them is not their looks anyway, it’s that where my ex was selfless, ego-less, lost herself in and deferred to me, my girlfriend is sometimes self-centered, borderline egotistical, makes a lot of things about her, to the detriment of humor, mental presence and resilience. And i don’t know how to talk to her about it. 

On the other hand, the fact that she values herself so highly really does keep me working hard in this relationship in a way that i didnt in my past. I treated my ex horribly, and i can’t get away with that here. maybe that’s something i’ve built in and looked for in this new love precisely because i dont want to risk such poor behavior again.

and/or why cant i just shut the fuck up in my brain and be happy? 

2.6.16 - The Frammerie, Kinderhook, NY

[awakeforamoment]

I ask you to be vulnerable not because I want to make you uncomfortable or test your love for me. It's so I know who I'm sleeping with. So I don't wake up in five years to you punching me in the face. *she runs the back of her hand down my cheek* I'll never punch you in the face. Good. Because I'd kill you. I'll punch anyone who punches you in the face. And I will do the same for you. *we shake*

Love in the making. 3.5.16 - driving to Holt Preserve

[awakeforamoment]

Accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes. Take their love.

From She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb which I read in four days flat. 2.4.16 - train to Albany

[awakeforamoment]

You're fabulous and I want to help you be more fabulous!

They say the insults are what you remember but sometimes the compliments stick. This one will, from a woman I idolize, who committed over a drink to help me realize a long back-burnered dream. Her support and enthusiasm meant more to me this week than she knew. 3.3.16 - Harvard Club, NYC

[awakeforamoment]

I’m not sure if you want to know this but under the assumption that it offers you some relief … She’s seeing someone. She seems really happy.

A friend, after we had dinner. We were walking out into the cold night and I smiled knowingly but something was sinking fast in my gut. I managed to keep my voice steady and light as I reassured her that I wanted to know, was glad for her. I do. I am. I don’t remember anything else said that night. Don Henley's The Heart Of the Matter looped in my head.

3.2.16 - Vinegar Hill, Brooklyn

[awakeforamoment]

I'm not quite sure why he first said yes and then said no.

The girl at the registrar of my university in Italy telling me they suddenly decided against a class I was going to teach there this year. It felt personal. 3.1.16

[awakeforamoment]

Jealousy as I watched my coworker, who I love, succeed. On the heels of reading My Brilliant Friend, I am never more aware of the sometimes toxic sometimes muse-like competition between women friends. 2.29.16 - the office

[awakeforamoment]

It's okay. It's going to be okay

Me to my flinching mother as I unwound the ace bandage from her chest, peeled off the blood soaked cotton and snipped away crusted threads from the incision on her breast. When it was all off we sat breathing together quietly. 2.28.16 - Park Avenue

[awakeforamoment]

You paved my way. Let me keep laying down pavement.

Me to my older gay cousin who was worried about me or my partner wearing gender non-conforming clothing to a family event. Amazing how the generations pick and choose their battles. 2.27.16 - walking around the reservoir at Central Park

[awakeforamoment]

Compliments of the chef

Great pride and sadness when a friend from my time in Italy who now manages a restaurant treated me and my colleagues to platters of pickled vegetables and raclette melted cheese and a plate of cheeses, aged parmigiano reggiano and sweet Gorgonzola and a funky washed rind, with a side plate of honey topped with toasted hazelnuts. I love feeling connected to the food world, beyond my advocacy. It's dumb but it does make me proud to know people who offer gifts and access. It all reminds me of Italy, where relationships are currency, and food is love. I miss those years of unthinking indulgence and the woman who was by my side when I learned how to moan with pleasure at food. 2.26.16 - Eataly, rooftop bar

[awakeforamoment]

We've all settled in, haven't we?

An old old friend commenting on the slow building but suddenly understood reality that all of us kids have found the people we expect to make families with. 2.25.16 - BoCaphe Vietnamese restaurant on Lafayette St.

[awakeforamoment]

My neighbor coming upstairs with ten minutes notice, a bottle of wine and a friend, to keep me company and make me laugh until the cinnamon bread i was making was ready and we could eat oozing pieces of it at my little table. 2.24.16 - crown heights