New York Times No.1 Best Something

Ivy | 19 | Aus lamer than you but i am also an award weiner

[puppyleftunderarainbow-deactiva]

In this world it’s milk or be milked

[rasec-wizzlbang-blog]

it’s really not

[hipstered]

date the person who says, “have fun, be safe, and call if you need anything” not the person who gets mad at you for going out w/o them

[fasfasfsaaaaaaaa]

hi… ever heard of… bpd…?

[erniebilko]

hi… ever heard of… not excusing your own abusive behaviors on account of mental illness…? 

[powerburial]

getting random sharp pain in your organs is a lot like when your check engine light comes on in your car. you dont know what it means so you just ignore it and hope you dont blow up

[neurodivergent-crow]

@danni-rants

[idiona]

I hope something unexpectedly good happens to you this week.

[awardweiner]

business email glossary

thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press "send"

thanks for your interest: why'd you have to bring this up

would you be so kind: fucking do it

best: i have never physically met you

all best: this conversation is over

all my best: i wish you would die

happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox

i hope this helps: i've done all i'm willing to do

i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you're too lazy to

sorry to chase: answer my email

so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email

i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me

please contact my colleague: this isn't my problem

i'm copying in my colleague: this isn't my problem and i am thrilled about it

i'll check and get back to you: i might forget to

i'll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to

can you check back with me in a week?: i'm hoping you will forget to

per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone

great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone

thanks!: i'm not mad at you

thanks!!: please don't be mad at me

thanks!!!: i'm crying at my desk

please advise: this might be your fault

kindly advise: this is entirely your fault

mind if i swing by?: i'm already in the elevator

can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email

sorry if that was unclear: i think you're an idiot

let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again

Reblogging to add a direct quote that I used today -

Please respect my work process: just do it the way I told you to and stop arguing with me, I don't care what you think

[cornerof5thandvermouth]

i love how half of millenial humor is just thinly veiled cries for help and the other half is dadaist absurdism

[kayleefabulous]

my roommate’s on jstor and she just whispered “oh fuck yeah” so that’s the mood

[scienceshenanigans]

When you find The Paper™

[donutish]

I miss being 8 years old and having no fucking idea what this means

[deceptipup]

young adult things: washing your colors with your whites because you don’t care you JUST don’t fucking care

[iamnotsebastianstan-archive-dea]

the fact that once a year we just put the clocks forward an hour and say that’s how it’s gonna be for 6 months, and then put it back an hour and say that’s how it’s gonna be now is actual proof that time does not exist and is purely a social construct that means literally nothing

[busket]

where is that cat with the kind and reassuring face

[charllahan]

he?

[busket]

thank you…..

[ruinedchildhood]

[midsummerdream]

from my moms old photos. glad to know people have been making the same jokes for decades

[requiem-4-a-drink-deactivated20]

hope your pets stay healthy in 2017

[rotg-fan-page]

I almost didn’t blog this and felt guilty

[ckascade-deactivated20170413]

Not risking it

[dreadianz]

isn’t rick and morty that thing you get when you die and your body gets all stiff

[rasec-wizzlbang-blog]

No, thats rigor mortis

rick and morty is a type of tube-shaped pasta

[pippenpaddlopsicopolisthethird]

You’re thinking of rigatoni

rick and morty is a numbering system that ranks earthquakes based on seismograph oscillations

[anxietyforest]

no, youre thinking of richter scale.

rick and morty is the pixar movie about a rat who wants to learn how to cook among humans

[unicorn--prince]

nah, thats ratatouille

rick and morty is the rich kid from fairly odd parents 

[bonethievery]

That’s Remy Buxaplenty,

Rick and Morty is when you send somone a link or a video and “Never Give You Up” plays

[cofaqriqus]

you’re thinking of Rickrolling

Rick and Morty is the 1893 short story by Rudyard Kipling about a young mongoose

[mccoppinscrapyard]

no, that’s Rikki Tikki Tavi…

Rick and Morty is a Latin-American pop star best known for “Livin’ La Vida Loca”

[ineggshellblue]

No, that’s Ricky Martin.

Rick and Morty is the packaged rice mix that comes in different flavors and is called “the San Francisco treat”.

[unanimousredundancy]

No, that’s Rice a Roni

Rick and Morty is the term for a lengthy and complicated procedure

[edgebug]

No, that’s a rigamarole.

Rick and Morty is a two or three-wheeled passenger cart.

[yaaaaaaaaaaay555-deactivated201]

anyone in this thread smoke weed

[awardweiner]

adults: record numbers of teens are depressed, we must find out why

teens: school is more stressful than ever, our parents screwed over the economy, the earth is on a path to total environmental destruction, and now we have to deal with actual fuckin nazis

adults: it's the iphones isn't it

[conquerorwurm]

One of my favorite things to see is random people trying to interact with unfamiliar outdoor cats. Just standing there with a hand out, making kissy noises, maybe meowing at the cat while it ignores them. Mankind at its best and least dignified

[combeferret]

#stop calling me out

[drunp-archive-deactivated201711]

[tyleroakley]

protect her