hi.

[awesomegoosepoop]

You can tell me that we’re great. That nothing is wrong. That you’re happy.

But then why do I still feel so lonely?

[awesomegoosepoop]

A letter to my dad;

I hate you. Not only for the pain you caused the family, but specifically the pain that your actions put me through.

I hate you for the simple fact that you walked out so easily, thus leading me to believe that everyone at some point in my life will also walk on out me.

I hate you for making me believe that I’m not lovable. That I’ll never be worthy of love from any person I meet. As good as someone can treat me, my mind thinks it’s a facade.

I hate you for making me feel like no one wants to be around me. You could call or text just to see how I’ve been over the years, but I must be so miserable to be around that you don’t care to hear from your daughter.

I hate you for the simple fact that I know that none of this stuff you’ve done should reflect my self worth, but at the end of the day it still does.

I hate that I don’t really even hate you. I wish I did. But the reality is, is that I’m just so mad at how much I miss you.

💔

[awesomegoosepoop]

I made this today.

This art feels vulnerable and heavy for me.

To me it represents those that battle with depression and feeling as though they are giving up and losing a never ending battle.

This person has wrote various letters when they are on the verge of giving up.

In the beginning when the letters first began, they say they think they need help and they don’t want this to be over but they don’t feel like themselves anymore.

But then they hold on for hope. And for awhile things get better. They erase the letter the best they can, but the trauma leaves permanent marks, (which represents the attempt to erase the prior letters, but you can still see the prior writing).

When they think everything is good, the heaviness of life creeps back in and tries to swallow them whole again and again.

And each time the feeling comes back, it’s harder to hold on above the waves of the ocean.

Just when you think you’ve made it back to land, the ocean sweeps you back out.

Eventually the person just becomes so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of the thoughts. They become ready to give up. They stop asking for help.

I think a lot of us feel this way in life. And for those who feel this too.. just know that you are never alone. Know that you are loved. Know that you matter.

Maybe I don’t know you, but you matter to me. Just like I hold onto hope that I matter to someone out there too. 💕

[awesomegoosepoop]

When I’m sad I don’t feel like creating. It feels like life has been slowly leaking from my body and I’m running low on creative energy. I barley have energy to live. I do the bare minimum to scrap by.

When I feel numb inside, the words I put to paper feel numb. They feel as though they have no meaning. And when I can’t create, my life feels meaningless. It’s a vicious cycle.

I only say these things here because it’s the only place I can open up and be free of judgement. When it comes to people in my life, you just have to put on a brave face and say “I’m doing good”. Because honestly, we all have so much going on in our personal lives, that no one really cares. At least, it’s how it feels to me.

X

[awesomegoosepoop]

when I met him, everything I thought I knew about love went out the window.

everything before him was settling.

loving him is easy.

loving him is as natural as breathing.

i’d spent my life building a wall to protect my heart.

while he stood there tediously taking down my wall brick by brick.

never once complaining about the size of the bricks or how many there were.

vulnerability is easy with him.

he brought peace to my soul.

the once raging waters of my heart became still.

he is the sunshine after the storm.

loving him makes me happy that it never worked out with anyone before him.

he is mine. and I am his. ❤️

s.h.

[awesomegoosepoop]

I really thought after my last breakup that I would never fall in love again.

But I did.

I fell in love with someone new so unexpectedly.

Someone who made me question why I ever put up with what I did with the last relationship.

I’m so incredibly happy, content, and at peace ☮️

[awesomegoosepoop]

My life got infinitely better when I rid my life of the people who constantly played victim. How utterly confusing it was to lose people I truly cared about, but how freeing to no longer be associated to the drama and toxic energy. 🤎

[awesomegoosepoop]

I’m feeling fucking lonely. This shit hurts. I feel unheard. Unseen. Unlovable. I don’t really know where to go from here.

[awesomegoosepoop]

Thank you @conshecalledlove and everyone who got me to 5 reblogs!

[awesomegoosepoop]

therapy realizations

Today while I was at the gym, I had a realization about therapy. Therapy is never meant to just “cure” someone. Therapy won't just magically make you feel better by going. Therapy is fucking hard. You have to work really hard to change thought patterns that are hardwired into your brain from years and years of trauma and habit. But this was the realization I had....

even after you change the thought patterns, it won’t mean that life is magically easy. It doesn’t mean that life wont still be hard. It won’t make the anxiety disappear. People will still let you down. Your heart will still get broken. You will still feel anger and sadness. BUT you’ll be better prepared to handle these situations because of the work you did in therapy. 

I don't know why I always imagined that therapy was a cure to make all this stuff go away.

I’ve spent 30 years searching for never ending happiness. I’ve searched for this never-ending euphoric feeling in people, places, and things. 

I’ve thought that I could eventually achieve a mental state where I would be so unaffected by anything and everything in life... but honestly, where is the beauty in that type of life?

My lowest of lows have taught me some of the best lessons in life. It’s taught me who I do and don’t want to be. It’s taught me that boundaries are okay. Saying no is okay. And putting yourself first is necessary.

Be careful who you give your time to because time can’t be refunded. Make sure to only give time to those who put the time and effort back into you as well. You don’t want to starve yourself because you were too busy trying to feed everyone else before yourself. 

Don’t ever put people on pedestals because at the end of the day we are all humans and flawed and we all fuck up.

Life is more beautiful when were all a little fucked up. At least I think so. Just love people for who they are. 

[awesomegoosepoop]

Goodbye 20’s, Hello 30’s

I always thought by the time I hit 30 years old I’d have my life figured out.

I thought I’d be married, have a kid or two, own my dream home, have a dream career.

My life couldn’t have possibly played out anymore different from what I’d had hoped and dreamt of growing up. None of the things I had imagined happened.

I dare say that in some ways I actually know myself less now… than I did through my 20’s.

My 20’s were a messy time in my life. While I experienced an immense amount of love and life lessons… my 20’s were also tragic and traumatizing. I lost a lot of people that I love deeply. Whether that was through death, distance, drugs, or differences. Some of these people that I STILL love with every fiber in my being, but now I have to navigate life without them because we can’t have everything we want in life. Learning to let people go that you love more than anything is really hard.

But I think what’s even harder than anything I experienced during my 20’s is turning 30 and realizing I haven’t really lived life for myself. I’ve lived a lot of my life in fear. Fear of failure. Fear of judgement. Fear of people making fun of me. Fear of people hating me. Fear of people bullying me. Fear of disappointing the people I love. Fear of not being good enough or pretty enough or funny enough. Fear that I might give up on myself before I even give myself a chance in life.

I hate that I spent the last 30 years of my life living with these fears because it feels like wasted time. Why I ever cared so much about what other people think is so beyond me. Our brains have a funny way of turning on us.

I don’t know what my 30’s will have in store for me. But I DO know, that I will no long spend my life living in these fears. I’ll spend the next 30 years unlearning these thought patterns and behaviors if I have to. I’ll spend the next 30 years looking at myself in a mirror everyday and telling myself “I believe in you” if that’s what it takes.

The last thing I want in my life, is to wake up another 30 years from now filled with regret and wishing I had just lived the life I wanted to begin with. I don’t want to live another 30 years filled with fear, anger, sadness, regret, or feelings of abandonment.

If this last year in my 20’s taught me anything.. it’s that life is so unpredictable. Life is chaotic. Life changes at the drop of a dime. Whether you want it to or not. But life is also full of a lot of love. And I have a lot of love that I want to give to the world. I want to learn more about the people in my life. I want to build meaningful relationships and friendships. I never want to take any day or interaction for granted, because you just never know when it will be your last. Cherish the special people in your life.

I don’t have life figured out and I’m definitely far from being complete… but here’s to my 30’s and TRYING to discover the TRUE me. Learning to loving with all I can despite all the loss and pain I’ve experienced. Being forgiving, even if it means forgiving people who hurt you and never apologized. Smiling more. Allowing myself to feel my emotions and expressing them in healthy ways. Making mistakes and being okay with it. Telling people I love them each day. Live fully without useless fears. Being okay looking dumb if it means I’m doing what I love. And doing what I want in life each day. Never again living a single day based on someone else’s terms of how they think I should live my life. Most importantly, forgiving myself. Giving myself grace. We’re all messy and doing the best we can with the tools we’ve been given in this life. ♥️

[awesomegoosepoop]

This makes me sad. I’ve seen this before, but never really understood it until recent. I’m currently carrying around a lot of trauma and pain.. I’ve always just bottled things inside and it’s resulted in some anger within myself. Now I have to unpack all these years of it.. because I don’t want to spend my life with anger. I just want to give and receive love. I’m on my way. But it’ll take time. I’m just sad that I even had to let myself get to this point. ♥️

[awesomegoosepoop]

Breakup Realizations:

It’s been two weeks since you left.

It’s getting easier. Easier than it was the first few days. But that doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. Don’t get me wrong.

I still miss you.

I still love you.

I still wish you the best. And I hope you find your happiness.

I held onto hope for the first couple weeks that maybe one day we could reunite in our future. But even now I’m starting to realize I wouldn’t ever truly want that for myself. I could never risk going through this pain again if you decided to leave me again when life got hard.

I realize for the first time that I’m not perfect and I made mistakes. That I still have unhealed trauma from my past to fix. So I too, can really love myself. Not the fake kind of love where I pretend I’m okay. The way I’ve only done it since I can remember. I’m talking about the real love for myself. Where the healing process hurts like hell. And I cry a lot. And might get mad at myself for how I’ve carried all this weight and pain inside for SO long.. but then I let it go. And I forgive myself. I really actually forgive myself for the past. I forgive those who’ve hurt me. I recognize my wrong doings in my past. And I let it go and move forward with new intentions and goals. I move forward with a new attitude on how I want to live my life. How I want to love people. How I want to treat my body. How I want to treat my mind. How I don’t take anything personally because my heart is so content. And then I will no longer attract people that I think I can fix. I don’t want to be a fixer. No one can sustain that lifestyle. I just want to find someone genuine. Who loves themselves whole heartedly. And is perfectly imperfect.

I know I will find my true happiness.

I just hope you do to. ❤️‍🩹

[awesomegoosepoop]

Breakup Thoughts Today:

Please don’t leave.

Please choose me.

Please love me. Like I love you.

Please don’t give in to the addictions.

Learn to love yourself so you can love me back.

We’re meant to be together, I just KNOW it.

I’m not sure I know how to move on if I can’t have you.

I’m not sure I could ever love another the way I love you.

Come back to me baby.

Get sober and find your way back to me.

♥️

[awesomegoosepoop]

I’m feeling fucking lonely. This shit hurts. I feel unheard. Unseen. Unlovable. I don’t really know where to go from here.

[awesomegoosepoop]

I’ve been in the process of leasing a house. The entire process has been draining and time consuming. I’m less than two days away from when I’m suppose to get keys to the home when the Property Management company called to explain that there was an issuing with the plumbing so the move in date would need to be pushed back several days. I have to be out of my current apartment in a week, so this wasn’t exactly the best news I wanted to hear.

My mind just started racing about ALL the things I already had scheduled for this weekend, like movers, delivery of appliances, internet, etc. My mind was so jumbled I couldn’t even think a coherent sentence. The only thing I immediately wanted to do was call my mom. Moms just have a way of making a situation better.

I ended up calling my mom and speaking to her about the situation that had occurred. She helped me calm down and think about the things I needed to take care of right this moment. Saying that if things didn’t pan out how they were suppose to, then we always could stay with her until it worked out!!

After I got off the phone, I just started crying because of how much I appreciate my mom. Then I started thinking about how I would have handled the situation if my mom was no longer here and I had no one to vent to. And I just couldn’t. I literally could not imagine NOT having my mom around, and it breaks me heart. She’s my literal angel and best friend. I just love her and appreciate her so much. I know I’m very lucky to have her. For most of my life she’s been the mother and father for me as my dad is absent. She deserves the world. And I would do anything for this woman.

I guess all this is just a big ol appreciation post for moms out there. And especially to my mother ♥️ I love you mom. Thank you for everything.

[awesomegoosepoop]

Feeling so in love.

[awesomegoosepoop]

I saw this quote this morning and I loved it.

Happy Sunday 💙