Diary of Awkward Jane

Libra. Balance. Artistic. Loving. Logical. Taurus. Persistent. Stubborn. Stable.

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I wonder if I'm handling motherhood well. I know that what I'm dealing with are typical new mother hurdles, but when I reach out I feel like I get shut down. No one let's me talk about it, and that's all I need to do is talk. I can journal about my struggles all day, but human interaction seems essential to function lately. So when I go to someone and want to talk about how I'm feeling and I get the response of: "That's all normal. You'll be okay." And promptly get ignored... I feel rejected and isolated. I consider myself to be an introvert. Talking to people is not easy, telling people my thoughts or my feelings is much more difficult. I'm probably extra sensitive, I can recognize my faults. But I feel like maybe I shouldn't talk to anyone about it. Maybe internalizing it is the way to go. I cried a lot today. I don't think I'm depressed because I love my daughter, I love my life. But I'm bone tired and have so much on my plate that I'm struggling a lot. Belle had colic from 9pm today until 5pm. I got maybe three or four hours of sleep last night and I still haven't touched the massive amount of laundry in my room. My floors need to be vacuumed, the dishes need to get done, laundry, and I still need to finish my crochet project so I can sell it. With a screaming baby its been impossible. I love my daughter. She has the biggest, most beautiful eyes- perfect angel face. She an amazing snuggler and I love everything about her from her poopy diapers to her adorable little feet. And I feel guilty that I need alone time. I feel guilty that I can't handle my daughter 24/7 like I want to. I don't have a partner, but I have family that helps out a little- and I admit it does help. Right now my baby is snuggled in bed with her Grandma while I sit in the bath tub and have a luke warm Razberita. my c section scar aches so my Mom said that a bath might help. So far it is. Am I just whining? My life is practically perfect, so why am I stressing and struggling so much? I know that there is no such thing as perfect and I do have quite a bit on my plate, but shouldn't that just balance everything out? If anyone has the answer.... you are welcome to email me. Seriously. With that I'm going to go retrieve my beautiful, perfect daughter and try to get some sleep. I hope you all have a beautiful day/night.

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Welcome to Motherhood

I haven't written is what seems like forever. And I have so much to catch you up on. I had my daughter on July 25th, Annabelle Marian Glass and she is the most precious thing to me. Her birth was not as easy one, but the minute I held her in my arms, I knew she was mine. But being a Mom is hard. Harder than I gave it credit for. I'm in the midst of trying to start a business and taking care of a newborn is not making that any easier. She's three weeks old and has colic. I feel awful, I mean I'm exhausted, but I know she is too AND she's uncomfortable. Mothers are supposed to provide comfort to their babies, but nothing I do consoles her. So here I am at 5pm on a Saturday afternoon, sitting in my Grandparents house and trying to catch up on sleep while they take a stab at holding and consoling my baby. The overwhelming amount of guilt that I feel for having someone else watch my child is indescribable. I know why I'm so stubborn and determined to do this on my own, and I haven't told anyone this yet- my whole life people have told me that I depend on others too much. I've been told that I'm weak, and too irresponsible to do this on my own. So I'm determined to do this on my own. Or I was. Now I'm just a failure. How am I supposed to set a strong example? How am I supposed to do this? I don't know how to juggle all the DR appointments, the baby, her irresponsible father, family, housework, a relationship, school, and a business all at once. I have so much on my plate that I don't see the plate anymore- its spilling onto the coffee table now. Am I being a drama queen? Probably. Maybe its my exhaustion. Maybe its the hormones. Maybe I'm just crazy. How am I supposed to know now? I know that this is just the beginning. I know that things will get better and that it takes time. I'm just so tired and grumpy. But, until next time. I love you all and hope everything is going well. -Awkward Jane

[rebeccacohenart]

Who would have predicted?

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Victim Shaming

I'm sitting on my couch and I am absolutely horrified at the victim shaming that I just saw on TV. The Doctors TV show is a well sought out source of information and entertainment that my family and I watch on a regular basis. Normally, I drone out the words that I hear and stay in my own little world, but when they decided to do an episode about bullying I found myself interested.

For those of you who are not informed on the case you can fine the episode at the link below. A young biracial girl wanted hair like her grandmothers, long red flowing locks that could be compared to that of the Disney character Ariel; her grandmother wanted to give her the opportunity to feel special and took her to get a weave put in. The first day this young girl went to school, students were telling her she was "stupid" because she had a "wig" on. They pulled her hair so hard she was coming home in tears. Despite her grandmother contacting the Principle to stop this from happening, they informed her that they could do nothing about it and that she shouldn't expect anything different since the hair was such a drastic change. This behavior continued until the young girls hair was LITERALLY ripped from the girls scalp causing scar tissue damage to the hair folicles.

This is a very standard case of racial discrimination and bullying, something that our school systems have yet to address as a real issue; but, that wasn't what horrified me most. No, what upsets me is that when this family was brought on the show and interviewed, the first question that was asked to the Grandmother was "Do you feel responsible?"

Guilt is a human emotion, without it we often do not have a moral compass, but for this young woman to have audacity to ask a Grandmother who was simply embracing her granddaughters differences to be pointedly asked if she was responsible was an example of victim shaming.

That's the kind of stuff that makes me angry. And I'll bet the school STILL didn't take care of the bullying that was occuring.

[cdgcdgcdgv]

♠

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So beautiful.

[theysunkmyshipernatural]

…because I’m worth it

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October 29th

I am really hard on myself. Incredibly, utterly critical of my appearance, the way I think, the way I act- even the way I speak. I question everything about myself down to my natal chart. I've picked apart my birth chart time and time again, attempting to find the missing piece of the puzzle, "Who am I?"

And I didn't get far with that (not that I've stopped trying or anything). I've found a lot of indicators for ambition, success, sex, even laziness (of which I can agree to all of these factors), but nothing about being so self-critical. It's not something I grew up with, not something I remember noticing as a younger child. As a matter of fact, it didn't show up until I was in my late teens. So as I worked today, I pondered the meaning of life and my critical nature and BAM I had an epiphany.

My Mother.

My mother is a Libra-Scorpio Sun with a Scorpio moon followed by more Scorpio with some more Scorpio on top of that. Me? I am a Libra Sun with a Taurus moon. Emotionally, I respect her. Intellectually, she can go fuck herself cause she's bat shit crazy. 

For those of you who don't understand the archetype, you can always learn more about it through this website: http://www.astrotheme.com/

In a nut shell, they're stubborn, intelligent, and critical. They don't like you, they will FIND something wrong with you. My Mother and I were practically born to dislike each other.

I remember growing up in her home, knowing my Mother would find something wrong with my chores. It was never not following through (although, sometimes that was an issue too) but rather I grew up constantly afraid to fail to my mother's expectations. Which I did. Brutally.

I was about 18 or 19 when I finally said to myself, "I need to figure out what makes me happy, before I can make someone happy too."  A line which not only applied to my relationship with my Mother, but to other relationships as well.  Now at the ripe age of 21, I no longer give a fuck about her expectations and only strive to meet mine. Which are now higher than normal.

I think my high-standards come from trying to live up to her expectations. I easily forgive others for messing up, but when I do I beat myself up about it for days. In some ways, it is a representation of my relationship with my parental unit played out in my own mind, day after day.

I normally don't get so emotional and deep in thought about such a trivial thing, but yesterday my boss sat me down and gave me a lecture on how hard I'm being with myself. It made me stop and re-think myself. Analyze another perspective of me.

I'm so incredibly one-sided and it's so very hard to see myself clearly. Some things are easy. Intellect is easy. Emotions are not. I tend to drown them in booze or smoke them out (not healthy, but one problem at a time right?). I figure I've got to work on a lot of issues. Self-matyrdom being one of them now.

Now for the weekly question. Send your answers to my inbox and I'll mention the best ones in next weeks post.

Talk you guys soon!

Always,  Awkward Jane

Does anyone else have high-standards? If so, do you think you were born with them or were they engraved in your mind throughout children?

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I'm takin' back my love I'm takin' back my love

I've given you too much.

[anna-maria-photography]

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by anna-maria-photography.tumblr.com

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Found the cutest little niche in the woods today. I pulled out my blanket, kicked off my shoes and got stoned. Of course, it was all to become one with nature, but I'll admit I took a nice, fat nap ad midst my humbling servitude to the Mother Earth. Hope everyone else is having as good of a day as I am (:

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The Jealous Girlfriend

The passion between them flowed effortlessly- this was no ebb and flow as it was with her other lovers. This was a volcanic explosion building, air escaping between cracking rock as it avalanched into the middle of her life. His lips on hers, his teeth biting and caressing, teasing and sucking. She could barely contain the pleasure that coursed through her body and he raked his hands over her full breasts that were still confined by the cheap, leopard print bra. She rarely felt beautiful, but when he touched her this way, it was all she could feel. His lips latched onto her pulse point and sucked in rhythm to her rapid heart beat. Then he brought his skilled mouth back to hers and threw her into a delirium as their lowers bodies ground into one another, layers of clothing preventing them from doing what they wished.

I wonder if Nikki taught him to kiss this way, the thought suddenly flew through her mind, bringing her lust induced state down a notch. Why the fuck am I thinking about her right now? This is me and Martin, not Martin and Nikki. She strained to throw the unwanted thought out of her head as he continued to rub circles across her lower back, occasionally tracing the pattern of her sensitive tattoo that lined her mid back.

Did they make-out this way? Again, the subconscious though rolled through her mind, tearing her heart apart. God, I should stop this. I can’t make-out with him when I’m hurting so bad.

Maybe the physical intimacy was too soon. She didn’t know why the knowledge had cut her so deep, to know that her fiancee had kept his relationship with his best friend a secret from her. Granted, a relationship that had been before they knew each other. But why did he have to tell her? She had thought all those intimate moments of kissing and touching had been their’s and their’s alone. Mary had been his first partner is sex, but she hadn’t been his first partner in heart. He hadn’t told her there had been another.

Physically she was still engaged in the make-out session on the couch in their living room. Mentally she had pushed herself away. She couldn’t have this intimate moments with him anymore without thinking SHE had been there first. Nikki. A person she had been friends with. A girl who had cheated on her boyfriend, first with her fiancee and then with another man.

I feel sick, and Mary did. A sick rolling feeling sliced through her.

She stood up, and turned away from Martin.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I can’t stop thinking about you and her,” Mary replied quietly, “It’s all I can see.” She rubbed her arms, trying to erase the chill she felt corroding her soul. “I can picture her on top of you, grinding on you the way that I just was. Kissing you with passion like I just was,” tears well up in her eyes, “what is wrong with me?”

“I’m sorry I hurt you so bad,” he said rubbing his hands over his face, obviously no longer aroused. She had doused that fire for them both. “I don’t know how to fix this,” sorrow etched into his face, beautiful brown eyes furrowed tight. Martin is so sweet, she thought, but I can’t do this.

And Mary walked away. Walked out. Unable to control the emotions.

Only she didn’t do that. Mary bottled her emotions, put them into a box to analyze later. She made love to the man who she believed was her soul mate. Who did whatever he could to make her happy. And the thought of Nikki laying in the bed with him the way she did, slithering into her restless dreams.

The End.

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I want to be clever and beautiful like the sea. There's nothing calm about this beast, but she's strong and sure. She bends for no one. She only flows.

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Eminem- I'm Not Afraid

I'm told I live a life of sin. Because I accept that I like both boys AND girls. I live a life of sin because I told my little sister I was putting her on birth control because she's having unprotected sex. I'm living a life of sin because I smoke and I drink. I have short hair. I eat meat. I have sex. I work. I am in a position of authority. I ACCEPT MYSELF. Flaws and all. I bare them to the world to be seen as they are, just a facet of my personality. Validation of my humanity. I'm not afraid to stand up for myself. I don't like being backed into a corner and being told how I should live my life. I have said it many times and I will say it again, I like who I am. If you don't? I don't care. Nobody is irreplaceable in my life. I'd rather live alone and be true to myself than be around friends who will never know the real me. That includes my family too. My Grandfather and I are currently not speaking because he told me these things. When I told him he was being close minded I was told I was a bitch. I promptly told him, fuck you. Not sorry for it.

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Magical Moment

My boyfriend proposed to me. It was so random. So awkward so PERFECT. I was rubbing sunscreen on his back before we went kayaking today and we were joking around, me calling him Husband and him calling me Wife when he was all like I want to start calling you my wife, and I replied Are you asking my permission? He spun around suddenly, and said Yes I am. Then he dropped down to one knee. My heart jumped into my chest. I had sunscreen all over my hands! I thought he was joking! So what did Awkward Jane do? She began rubbing the sunscreen on him and said yes. People, I am getting married.

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Beginning of a Good Day

Going Kayaking with my baby sister <3

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I am Human, so of course I fuck up A Lot

Have you ever felt numb and sick at the same time? When the world is spinning and you've lost your sense of direction. You know what you want, you know how you can get there, but in the meantime you can't find your balance or get your feet to stay on the ground to do it.

That's me. I am that person. I strive and I fail. I am homeless. I am almost jobless. And I am alone.

I'm exhausted.

I feel like I have nothing left to give. I fail at my job every day. I catch a break for maybe a day or two, but then it's right back to falling apart. My family loves to try and take advantage of me- so I fight back. But today? I just got fucked in every direction.

I asked to step down and was essentially told no. but immediately after was berrated for messing up inventory- the same reason I told them I should step down. I am unable to handle the basic concept of doing the regular team member duties, let alone the team leader ones. But no, one person thinks I can do it.

I'm sure that I can. I'm sure that if I pushed through I could do anything I set my mind to. To be in a place where I am happy though? Much more important than my pride. My boyfriend, whom I am currently living with until I can find somewhere else, has put up with this emotional ride long enough. He hasn't said anything to me, but he doesn't deserve to deal with an emotional wreck either.

My Mother... Oh, my Mother. How she knows to manipulate and guilt trip me to the moon and back so that I feel as though I need to grovel for forgiveness. Promises me things then can't follow through- but, I, who almost always follows through on her promises, cannot fuck up. No, no.

I've been getting into astrology recently, and I've been getting mixed signals. Apparently (and yes, this is through astrology and numerology) I am destined to make bank. Lots and lots of money. Higher education and spirutualism are where I am heading in this life, but it seems as though I'm having a hard time getting there.

Is this some kind of test from the universe? Or, dare I say it, God? Emotional me questions whether I did something awful in a past life, or was I really that horrible a child that my Karma is so hardcore? These are the questions I ask myself every day. With no answers.

I'll keep trudging. Keep trying to find my balance. I always do. But I'm tired. Oh so very tired and need a place to rest my head and my heart. I feel so alone and isolated. As though, I can't truly open up to anyone about my feelings. I'm so grateful that I have this blog. Even if I don't update it constantly, it helps to know that SOME people will read it. Or at least, there is the possibility of someone reading it. Maybe you people only look at it for the cool pictures or follow me cause I have an attitude.

Truth is, I'm human. I fuck up. I am weak. And right now I feel incredibly weak and feeble. A feeling that doesn't sit right with my soul. Whatever religion you follow. I don't care. Just say a little prayer or cast some good energy in my direction. I need that support.

Hope everyone has a good week.

Ever,

Awkward Jane

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It's Been Too Long

Since I last wrote on here. And boy, has Awkward Jane been busy. After my promotion in early June, I went and trained and I've been working my ass off since. Of course, my job doesn't see it that way. All they see are the string of failures that have occurred since my return. In my mind, these things happen, especially since I have a team of people who look at me and go pffft, I'm older than you. Why should i listen to anything you have to say? Being the boss AND being the youngest doesn't make this job easy. But, I'm handling it. I always do.

Then there's my roommates. Yeah, I finally gave my 30 day notice to those assholes. I've had enough back-stabbing to last me a life time. Of course, there will always be more to come, but I've had enough abuse from them. Time to move on to the next best thing. Granted.... I have NO idea where I'm going to live. Especially on my pitiful salary. I'll always figure it out. I'll always barrel through and tough it out.

I'm warning you all ahead of time, I'm unleashing the wrath of Jane here on you guys. Months of pent up frustration and then this week it's been insane. I have to be on by September 5th and my boyfriend wants to move in with me. But hasn't made as much effort into the process and I need. I mean, I'm going to be homeless in two weeks, bro. I can find plenty of places that will take me by myself. Either step up or I'll leave you in the dust. He's kinda homeless too, so you'd think he'd kick up his drive a bit.

Nope. He's off partying.

While I may be on the road to self-discovery still, and I know I'm a lot to handle, but there's a party of me that goes "hey, dude, get it the FUCK together."

Most of my friends have become isolated from me. I'm left with just a job and my notebook. While I would love to rely on my boyfriend for the moral support, he's just too emotionally off his rocker to handle the things that are boiling in my brain. I walk around with this pit in my stomach and this throbbing headache constantly because I can't seem to catch a break. Then I feel like shit even more because I'm having a mini-pity party and what right do I have to feel that way?

I know, things could always be worse. I could always lose my job. Have to move back in with my parents. Ya da, ya da, ya da. But for a 20 year old, I can't help but feel that this is pretty fucking awful.

I should learn to blow off steam better. But I need to find a second job. I'm always prioritizing what needs to be done and trying to catch up on sleep. I've just gotta get it together. I hate falling apart. And I feel like I'm gonna fall apart any day now.

Yesterday, I spent like, two hour crying because of work (Yeah, I got my ass reamed about something. go figure) and couldn't function. Then I fought with my Mom. Then my roommates started bitching at me. Then I fought with my boyfriend. Not my favorite cup of tea kind of day. Hell, this week? Not so awesome at all.

I keep waiting for a sign. Something that says "don't give up, you've got this." I'm not a huge prayer kind of person, but I've found myself praying every day for patience. Every day for help. A sign. Anything to get me going in the right direction.

I'll get it together guys. I always do. Wish me luck guys.

-Awkward Jane Doe