I wouldn't say it out loud

[awkwardleidy]

I’m back, but I haven’t changed one bit

It’s definitely been a while. I loved reading past posts as it accurately reflects how I’m feeling right now.

I landed the job of my dreams with 3x salary increase, opportunity to travel, speak English daily and work remotely. What else could I ask for? Companionship. I’ve been feeling lonely even if I got all of this to be grateful for.

I was about to marry someone I didn’t love and live a boring life, yet rn I’d kill for my boring life. I dread being lonely, dying lonely. I can’t see past tomorrow, how my life may turn out cause I’m stuck on what if.

Intrusive thoughts come in, I feel like I’ve tried it all, yet I still feel empty. I feel like I don’t what to live this life anymore and it’s all because I don’t love myself as much. I spent all holidays with him and his family, all trips, all weekends and week days. My whole life turned around him that I’ve lost my identity. I’ve been asking myself, who am I without him? But I don’t have an answer.

I hope one day I can look back and say I’m no longer she. I know what I want, I’m happy, I love my life cause I love myself.

But I can’t say it right now. All I do is cry and hold on to the past.

[awkwardleidy]

Six years ago I met the love of my life, a man who became my best friend, who loved me more than I loved him, who reminded me of all my good traits even If I didn’t believe in them. She showed me to love myself through his eyes and I will cherish it through my life. #missingyouforever

[thoughtkick]

I was like a patient who cannot tell the doctor where it hurts, only that it does.

Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed (via thoughtkick)

[thoughtkick]

I’m sorry to all the people I hurt whilst I was hurting.

Unknown (via thoughtkick)

[awkwardleidy]

I did it again, but this time I don’t regret it, this time I’ll lose you forever. My desires got the best out of me leaving broken hearts all around. A few hours of pleasure and six years down the toilet. 

[perfectquote]

“I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now and live in it forever.”

— Suzanne Collins

[awkwardleidy]

Why can’t I love you as much as you love me? Why does it always feel like I’m wasting your time?

I think I’m battling depression and you’re the only thing keeping me from going insane. I need you, but I don’t deserve your love.

[awkwardleidy]

Braveness in coming out

It’s 2020, but I still see homophobic people all around, making it harder for gay people to come out. LGBTQ+ people are hurting inside while trying to fit into a world they may not belong to, while living a double life.

I’m amazed of their braveness, to go against their families and friends, in order to find peace at heart and feel free, feel how they truly are, it’s something you don’t see everyday.

If they are willing to come out of the closet because of a special guy/girl despite what people may say, that’s something to admire, something that should not go unappreciated.

Our society has made it harder, as people has lost their jobs, friends, houses, inheritances for daring like people of their same sex, when it shouldn’t, as we are constantly told to innovate, to think outside the box, to open our minds and embrace the changes the world is bringing.

Honestly, coming out is the greatest form of love there is. You need to be sure of your sexuality in order to dare do such thing. It’s rare to find nowadays.

If only there was a way in which friends and relatives could show them they care and support them. At the end, they don’t stop being the funny, smart, foolish person they were when you met them.

Someone who cares enough to be considered a friend is characterized for being there through difficult times, not only the happy ones.

-Awkwardleidy

[awkwardleidy]

My dream boy

Two years have gone by and I still feel madly in love with him. I’ve decided to stop texting him as it hurts more talking to him and not being able to hold him into my arms.

I feel like I never felt before. I’ve even dreamt about him, it’s like my inner self cherishes the moments we spent together, but it can’t be no more.

There are several cons about that relationship: our families don’t like the couple, I used to spend a lot of money every time we went out, I will probably hurt him again, it’s just not meant to be.

But there’s a big pro: I’m still madly in love with him. I have grown and I feel more mature than I used to be once we started dating. I don’t want to hurt him. He was my first love and I haven’t been able to forget him.

People would say “get over him”. Don’t they think I want to? Of course I do, but it’s so hard, I mean, I’ve never dreamt about someone I have dated. Never. And look at me wishing I was with someone who broke up with me two years ago.

These are the confessions of a broken hearted girl whose dream boy doesn’t see as his dream girl.

Missing you forever.

-Awkwardleidy

[saudis-do-it-better-deactivated]

If it still hurts, it means you still care.

[coral]

[minuty]

[awkwardleidy]

[awkwardleidy]

Agging

I honestly don't get people. Once they're young they are looking forward getting older in order to legally drink alcohol, do things by themselves, have fun, leave alone, work, etc.

It sounds amazing right? But when they finally get older parties are not as fun as people said, tons of debts, alcohol makes you throw up, living with family is no longer an option.

Would it had made a difference if we were warned beforehand? I don't think so. They just focus on expecting for better that they don't get to live the present.

I, for instance, don't mind agging because I try to enjoy every day, every week, every year and being 22 makes me proud. Once I get to be 40 I'll also be proud because it means I've been through a lot of experiences which will define my future self.

I embrace you life, with my open arms and hopefully you'll treat me well or you'll punch me in the stomach several times, but I won't give up, instead I will get up and overcome anything that comes in my way because age will not be a factor that will forbid me to do the things and feel the way I want to.

So every time people ask how old are you, proudly respond because you are perfect the way you are.

[awkwardleidy]

You can't ask someone to leave and get mad because the do.

[awkwardleidy]

Sex and love addict

I didn't notice before, but it's true. I'm a sex and love addict. I depend on people, I use them to be happy, to be comfortable. Today I'm single, it's been years since the last time I was single. As soon as I ended up a relationship there was another person by my side making me believe I needed them, but I don't. I depend on people, I use them and it's not okay because I make them believe I love them just to break their heart as soon as I find out I don't love them anymore or never had. My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago and I thought I was okay, but I'm completely alone. I depended on her, I used her to be happy. I broke up with my boyfriend and now I can't stop thinking about him. Today I saw his car and I got a mini heart attack, I waited just to see If I would meet him at school, but It didn't happen. Destiny? Probably. I depended on him, I used him to be happy. The guy who used to be my fuck buddy was my companion once a week. I even had a boyfriend while me and my fuck buddy used to fuck. Every time I felt lonely, he was there. I depended on him, I used him to be happy. My ex boyfriend was truly in love with me l, but I fucked things up with him, now he's dating someone else. I also depended him, I used him to be happy. Most of the time I feel lonely, worst feeling ever and that's the reason why I depend on people because I'm always around them without being bored, always having fun, but today I'm lonely and I know if any of the ones mentioned before came back to my life, I would take them and continue to use them while being selfish and thinking just about myself. Best thing would be to be alone and try to learn how to de independent , how to stop using people, but how can you take drugs away from an addict? You just can't.

[awkwardleidy]

Break up

Today, I decided to end my relationship with my boyfriend. I didn't want to tell him at first, but I had to do it. I couldn't live with the lies I've been telling him, the lies I've been telling myself. What hurts me the most was the look in his face, he definitely didn't see it coming. The tears, the way he tried to convince me to stay with him, specially when he said "I'm sorry for wasting your time". I'm sorry I'm not the one for you, I'm sorry I was the one to waste your time, I'm sorry this is the second time we break up, I'm sorry I'm not going to be your dearest Sarah's mother. I'm sorry I broke the promise I once made you. This is why I hate relationships, they all come to an end and both parts end up hurting. I've had many boyfriends and many break ups. They never end well. What I hate the most about relationships is getting to know someone so well and in the end, that special dude is no longer part of your life, like it never happened.