INTJ here. Do you have any advice on being extremely socially anxious/shy/quiet and wanting to improve socially? (While having a resting face that looks rather like that of a extremely judgmental serial killer?)
Before I get to that advice allow me to say that you are perfect exactly how you are. Socially anxious, shy, quiet, extremely-judgmental-serial-killer-faced and all. You are under no obligations to change for anyone nor to satisfy social requirements. You are you, lovely in your quietness.
This is important. You Do Not Need To Change For Anyone. Get me?
If you’re struggling with this bit, save this and come back when you’re ready. Or better yet, drop me a message and I’ll state this fact in many different ways until you are filled to the brim with confidence in your lovely anxious quiet self.
As a fellow INTJ I know that the studying of becoming more… likable is a slippery slope. One that took me a long time to crawl up. As INTJs we’re great at picking up new tricks and excel at applying them. I just want to be sure you don’t get lost in your “socially perfected persona” and lose sight of you.
If you’re a naturally quiet person you will always be most comfortable being quiet. Just because you are capable of acting a certain way doesn’t change who you are.
That being said, I understand the desire to behave more shall I say “socially likable” in certain situations such as work, school, special events, etc. Just make sure to be yourself as much as you can. Be you around your family and friends, and if you don’t have friends that accept you for you, they aren’t friends worth having. You deserve to be seen for the beauty of the quietness that you have. If you’re confident that you won’t lose you, and if you have someone who you can be yourself around, even internet friends (who majorly count) go ahead and continue.
Frankly I have no idea if you needed this pep talk or not but I most certainly did and I hope that others who needed to hear it also are helped by this. ;) That said, let’s get to it.
1) Body Language - Study by watching others and online. To be honest the majority of what you’re going to find is “how to flirt” and whatnot but if you cut out the touching and lean things towards the platonic you have a killer combo that leaves you appearing open, friendly, and easy to be around. Smile, make eye contact, keep your body open meaning no crossed arms, mirror movements, angle your feet, knees, and/or shoulders towards them, don’t lean in or stand too close though, that borderlines creepy.
2) First Impressions - Smile and make eye contact first. Then use their name in the beginning and at the end of the conversation. For Example: They say, “Hi, my name’s Steve” Offer or accept their handshake. Make it firm but comfortable and not too short or too long. (two pumps is perfect, believe me I’ve tested thoroughly which made an awkward albeit amusing day at work) Reply “Nice to meet you Steve, I’m whateveryournameis” Continue the conversation, a good thing to talk about is whatever had you meeting in the first place, work get together, school party, caught in the bad weather, whatever. Aim for a shorter first conversation as it avoids awkward silences unless it’s going spectacularly in which case bravo for you. End it again with their name. “Well, it was a pleasure to meet you Steve. Have a good rest of your evening/day” Tada…
3) Second Impressions - Which is, to be honest, nearly as important as the first. Let’s say you see them across the room. Give them a smile that reaches your eyes and if they start towards you to chat meet them halfway. If not, smile give them a “show your hand but don’t move it” wave and continue doing whatever it was you were doing in the room in the first place. If you end up talking and they don’t remember your name make them feel like it’s no problem whatsoever and it’s absolutely fine. On the other hand… If you forget their name make them feel like the earth is crumbling. Something along the lines of “I’m so sorry, I really tried to remember your name but I’m absolutely horrible with them, It’s *pause to allow them to fill it in* Steve, that’s right. I’ll for sure remember now” and make sure you do.
4) Little Things - For some reason people love it when you remember that Fluffy the Yorkshire Terrier had an upset tummy on Thursday or that their husband is in the pie eating contest next month. I have no idea why anyone would share things like this as I find it utterly too private and idiotic but we are dealing with humans so… remember, bring it up, and they will smile.
5) Sympathize but Never Empathize - Some people say that misery loves company. I tend to disagree unless you’re really close to the person. Typically people like to feel sorry for themselves and get cuddles and chocolate, not “I know exactly how you’re feeling, I went through the same thing last week.” Nope. People like to think that their troubles are all their own, and they are. So make sure that when Steve starts talking about his broken down car you feel bad and don’t try to empathize by talking about the fact that you’ve had to walk to work because your old jalopy died last month.
6) Can’t Complain - Unless they’re your close friends. In which case complain all you want because they’re your safe spot. However, if you’re goal is to be socially liked by people generally, best not. No one likes a complainer unless we’re all complaining about the air conditioner being broken, in that case join in but don’t instigate, prolong, nor over run. Aim for a medium complainer in mass complaining. No complainer for soloing. Complain to your friends though. They’re there to cheer you up and help you.
7) Be the Listener - If your goal is general likability, aim for the title best listener. Ask questions that get people talking about themselves. Appear invested and interested. Remember the details and ask for more stories. Be the shoulder that people can cry on and the person the can rant to.
That’s all I’ve got for you. 7 tips to be a socially likable person. Just remember what I said earlier though. Be you, try to be the kindest and best you you can be, but make sure it’s you.
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