My life was over before i was even born.
I haven't popped up here in a long time... Not because i didnt " need to vent " but more like, i hit a point where i was/am so alone, even the ghosts in tumblr won't be here. I know im alone, i know i don't have anyone in this world, a hand to reach out and save me from this hell, no one that loves me...i mean if my own parents didnt love me, who the fuck could. Im so exausted from " living "... So so exausted,,, I keep asking myself " what am i doing here? why am i here? i need to die"... Im basicly just waiting to die..no will to live, no personality, no likes, no dislikes, no goals, no wishes, no dreams, no one that wll remenber me, or wish i was there...just nightmares and memories of all the painfull and reocurring memories, over and over again, showing me that i shouldnt be here.. My lonelyness is so deep that i revisit my past just to have a glimpse of someone else but me.. I need to die...heck! i shouldnt even have been born...i was/am here just to serve a mother who didnt want to raise her kids alone, i was here to cater to the men in my family, i was brought here to be a slave and punished for all the women who suffered in my family. It's been 3 years and 4 months now, since my last job...this last job i suffered some " mild " sexual harrassement, and i say mild, because in comparison, nobody tried to rape this time, nobody beat me up... But i was saotaged, exploited, yelled at, humiliated, threatned, overall bullied, i tried to defend myself " dont talk to me that way " , i took photos , proof of the exploitation and abuse, of the sabotages, i hired a lawyer, i did everything right this time, i tried to protect myself at all costs... and that cost me the rest of my savings, my honor, even the lawyer scammed me and got away with my money... If that is not proof that i shouldve died along time ago then i dont know what.... I am unemployed, traumatized, my body is weak, my mind is fucking week...and nobody will hire me because of my looks, and my speech... 3 years going on 4 ...I will eventually be on the streets.
I keep questioning my reality more than ever...am i really a hardworking person? i tought i was...or maybe i was just workaholic to escape my mother, the pain she caused me, the slaving away and the mothering i was forced to my own brother... I am dumb, i am not assertive, i smile too much when i dont know what to say and when im embarrassed wich is anytime i talk to anyone, i am not pretty, i am too ugly for the customer to look at, my hair look dirty because its all cracked from the stress, my teeth are crooked, missing, yellowish, my body is bigger than my head, i have become overweight, even tho there are days i dont even eat, because my will to die is stronger... Is it the tattoos??? but its so common now to see workers with tattoos, even those with direct contact with a client, at the supermarket, at the post ofice, at the doctors, even piercings... So it's def not the tattoos or the piercings... Nobody hires me because of the way i look, of the way i talk.. and more specificly because of 3 years unemplyed... My ptsd caused me to be on auto pilot, hiding away from the sexual assault and the constant abuse...slowly i wake up here and there... and it's too late...it has become worse. What does one do when they cant even get a job? i dont wanna be homeless, i dont want to be raped, attacked, i ... I suffered too much, i've suffered enough in my lifetime...when does it end?? why does it keep getting worse and more painfull??WHY? the pain is too much i can barely breath, but not enough to kill me...what a miserable life..
