you'd be paranoid too

[awstensmind]

i wanna tell you, but i can't. i know it'll just push you over the edge further and i can't handle that

[awstensmind]

i told you exactly what was happening and you didn't listen. you kept saying it. proof this, proof that.

i don't know if you even understood what i was telling you. i wouldn't blame you if you didn't. you've got enough shit going on right now without my problems adding to that list.

i wish i was normal. i wish i could hear a sentence without feeling like i was stabbed in the chest, without feeling her voice and her words crawl across my skin like spiders. her voice coming out of your mouth is a nightmare i thought id never have.

i thought i was past all of this, but apparently not. having two showers and scrubbing my skin raw hasn't made a difference. walking it off hasn't made a difference. i can't tell if i want to throw up, run, or swim until i'm so tired i just pass out on the decking.

i'm so scared. for you. for what this means for you. where do we go from here? how can i help you? i know you need me just like i need you

[awstensmind]

sam won't pick up. FUCK. i think im gonna throw up

[zenodotus-xxiv]

[awstensmind]

i can feel her on my skin. it won't go away

all i want is for you to hold me but i can't get your words out of my head

[awstensmind]

hearing those words had me spinning back to being in my early twenties again. i felt the blood drain from my body in horror. grief. disgust. i never thought i would feel that small again, but especially not from you.

[awstensmind]

lollapalooza was everything i'd ever dreamed of. not a single person in my sight that hadn't heard of waterparks before... damn. this weekend is exactly what i needed. i'm feeling like me again.

[thisperson-doesnotexist]

The dichotomy of wanting to hold him close while I pet his hair, telling them they’re my pretty boy and desperately wanting to fuck him while I shove his face down in to my mattress while I tell him what a good slut he is for me is very real.

[awstensmind]

back where it all started. ✨first ever show and last show at warehouse live. 2012-2023. crazy how time flies.

[awstensmind]

missed therapy with sam. good thing i'm seeing her again on saturday. regressing feels weird to me now. it helps so much, nothing quite compares to the relief i feel once i'm back to myself, it's like a weight's lifted off my shoulders. the air is easier to breathe.

I'm just not sure if it's worth it anymore...

coming back to myself is exhausting. i spend around an hour in some dissociative, hazy state of mind. nothing quite feels real. i feel bad for jawn when it lasts for more than a day, too. i know he enjoys it, but i know it's such a huge responsibility for him, both looking after me and himself. I don't want to be the reason he falls back down the hill. i want him to be okay, and if that means not regressing for while, so be it.

[virtuallbun]

[awstensmind]

for the most part, today was amazing. seeing the pure joy on your face this morning is a sight i'm gonna remember forever. i'm sure i'll talk more about it tomorrow.

right now, all i can focus on is the fact that something more is going on than you're sharing with me, because you won't even tell me that you love me. goodnight, i guess.

[awstensmind]

i felt you slip out of my hands the second you suggested you walking home. i'm so physically exhausted from holding myself together today to seem like i'm over this sickness when i'm not. you needed me to be myself, to be there for you, to support you. i did my best but it wasn't enough tonight.

i know you're a ticking time bomb right now, but watching you walk away from me while i packed up the aftermath of our supposed date was just as devastating.

the worst of it all, is i don't even know what happened. one minute we were picturing our wedding together, the next you were a wall made of ice, threatening to poke me with an icicle if i dared to look at you.

[awstensmind]

i am not in the right headspace to be doing this right now. i told you exactly what i needed from you and i got nothing.

we should not be doing this right now. this is so unhealthy. i told myself i'd never let sex be a distraction for problems again but that's exactly what i need it to be right now otherwise i'll just cry.

[awstensmind]

I'm kind of... relieved? I really thought we were going to be having another conversation like that morning a little while ago. I'll admit, hearing you want to slow down has definitely taken me by surprise, especially since you were the one initiating daily blowjobs and morning sex.

what do you mean by slow down? i was already hesitant to initiate in case you didn't really want it after that last situation, and now i'm even more so :(

[awstensmind]

not gonna have the chance to do the plans i had for our last night here, but i'm sure we'll be back soon. until next time, tennessee <3

[awstensmind]

i can't believe i just said that out loud.