We as a society donât appreciate the potential that house-specific fashion/customs has in ASOIAF.
Highborns are already smug fuckers, they flaunt and they preen because why wouldnât they?
Imagine nose rings for house Bulwer? Mistletoe wreath necklaces for house Charlton? Scarification in house Bolton? Decorative wings for HOUSE ARRYN? FULL BEAR PELT CLOAKS FOR HOUSE MORMONT??
obsessed with the dynamics in your random quotes posts⌠i love men that are always on their knees metaphorically and/or physically like yes baby you figured it out!! anyways you make valarr sound extra delicious thank youuu
Thank YOU nonnie, I appreciate ppl who put their thoughts and whims in my inbox sm you donât even know <3
I hate that thereâs so little content for Valarr and that makes it so difficult to base his personality around but I think I finally got that feller wrangled down đź
A/N: eating a Hersheyâs cookies and cream bar as we speak (my mum bought it for me so itâs even more delectable), Maekar standing up for his cancelled wife (as he should) these are so fun oml.
âMy girlfriend cried today and was sad and I couldnât kiss her. Iâm going to rip my hair outâ - him
âWifeâs asleep rn so Iâm spending my time on really important things like waiting for her to wake upâ - him
âSorry babe Iâm too tired to talk, can I just chew on you for a couple hours?â - you
âI stand up when my girl enters the room like sheâs the presidentâ - him
âDating her means becoming a father to all her plushiesâ - him
âIâm so glad they invented laying on a manâs chestâ - you
LYONEL â
âSorry weâre late, my wife and I couldnât stop kissingâ - him
âHey, me and my wife saw you across the bar and we just wanted to say we really love your vibeâ - him (probably to Duncan)
âYes Iâm normal about her (I need to gnaw on her like a number 2 pencil)â - him
âBabe, do you remember our first ever bit together?â - you
âMy wife is actually magical, Wdym she makes my day automatically better, sheâs the goat frâ - him
âShe call me apple the way I be in ciderâ - him
BAELOR â
âHe can infodump so deep inside me Iâll have trivia running down my legâ - you
âSluttiest thing a man can do is have a complete dilemma over his lust for youâ - you
âMost beautiful lady in all the land. Will you watch the birds with meâ - him
âWhen my husband is home I eat three square meals a day and when he is gone I creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a rat in a bodegaâ - you
âI need a man to smile fondly at me while I throw a dramatic hissy fit at every minor inconvenienceâ - you
âI take baths a lot, and whenever I do my boyfriend sits in the bathroom and reads out loud to me. Right now weâre on chapter four of a book about the history of rats in NYCâ - you
MAEKAR â
âHeâs so handsome, I NEED to get on his nervesâ - you
âSheâs evil manipulative two sided and cold to YOU, to ME sheâs my wifeâ - him
âYour weak asf is you leave your wife just because she stabbed you ONE timeâ - him
ââI could fix herâ yea? well I could accept her as she is. You donât like the murder? Grow up. The atrocities are part of her and Iâve decided theyâre funnyâ - him
ââIâm too old for youâ sir that age gap is literally one of the things that got me attracted to you in the first placeâ - you
âI plan on bugging you every single day for the rest of our livesâ - you
AERION â
âRelationships should be 50/50, you take me to museums and I point at all the weird little guys in paintings and say âthatâs youââ - you
âIâm sorry I roasted you, I was trying to flirtâ - you
âDate idea, we fight another coupleâ - him
âI love my man I really do, but man, not a day goes by where I donât want to square up with himâ - you
âIâm scared of my wife and it lowkey turns me onâ - him
âMissionary, so we can keep arguingâ - him
âHow do I politely ask her to slam me against a wall and make out with meâ - him
VALARR â
âNormalise pathetically begging to go down on her nightlyâ - him
âIf my girlfriend thinks she can just bat her eyes at me and get whatever she wants, she absolutely correctâ - him
âI hope every lover girl finds her super calm gentleman who is unashamedly and insanely in love with herâ - you
âGonna find a man with biceps and brown hair and big brown eyes that lets me bite him as hard as I wantâ - you
âThe fact that you are not my wife yet bothers me at least once every dayâ - him
âJust talked to my wife on the phone, it was awesome. I know a lot of you are lonely and pathetic with nobody who really cares about you or loves you but you can always rest assured that is not the case for meâ - him
DAERON â
âI love a âthis is usâ girl, like yea babe, we are those two hash brownsâ - him
âNeed a boyfriend except heâs not just my boyfriend heâs also some weird guy I drag around with me everywhereâ - you
âSex is great but have you ever had someone be patient and gentle with you when your abandonment issues are acting upâ - him
âI havenât gotten a kiss from my wife in a while and Iâm being really brave about itâ - him
âI hate when girls say âwow I didnât peg you as a gentlemenâ uhhh you havenât pegged me at all yet, get to it.â - him
âIn my dreams Iâm making you pasta and nothing bad has ever happened to usâ - him
dunk and travelling companion!reader where the unacknowledged sexual tension is so high that you both keep going for 'walks' 'checking on the horses' 'taking a bath' aka excuses to go off alone and masturbate to get some relief. and even that's frustrating cause you have dunk "i need to check on the horses" but then egg says so proudly that he's already done it :)) or reader who wants to go on a 'walk' but dunk is worried about her being alone so he insists on going with her so now you can't...you know...
bonus round dunk and reader having gone on separate walks / found excuses to get away and jerking it at the same time without realizing it
Can I also raise Dunk and Reader being put in a situation where they have no choice but to share a bathđ˝
Like theyâre living in some lords castle for the week (probably Lyonelâs) and before they hit the road again they both want to have a hot bath because bathing in the river sucks ass.
But because itâs so early thereâs only a few staff awake and they do not have the time nor energy to refill and reheat the bath again so they just shove them both in the room and tell them to âfigure it outâ (Lyonel told the staff to do and say this, it was a plot all along)
And of course dunk is trying to be chivalrous and say âyou should go first, a lady should have clean water to bathe in, I promise you I wonât lookâ but reader is NOT having it and shes like â no no no itâs fine, we can both get in, the tub is big enough after allđâ (barely)
Cue the tension filled awkwardness of trying to both get out of your clothes and into the bath without seeing eachother (you both sneak peeks thinking the other doesnât know) and now your backs are pressed together and you can hear the water splashing as the other moves and he can feel your ass pressed against him and heâs red as a lobster trying to not actively combust.
If youâve sent a request recently DONT PANIC they are being worked on but my uncle died this week so things are little sidetracked (Iâm coping very well clearly) but they are on the way đ˝
We love and appreciate gentle soft dom Valarr on this blog but we also love and appreciate brat tamer Valarr (still a soft dom cause heâs just wired that way) who spanks you when you act in a vulgar way in court.
This man who has been raised to heed the manners of the court and to always act with utmost propriety at all times when in proper company is absolutely scandalised when his lady-wife has a slip in her manners, obviously she needs to be reminded with a firm hand.
Hear me out, giving Dunk the first loving touched he has received in years.
I believe he is severely touch starved. He's been with Ser Arlan, yes. But I don't imagine him being too soft with the poor boy. You know he just absolutely melts when you hug him, sighing deep and kinda pitifully as he nuzzles closer.
Would absolutely just love to lay on your stomach as you play with his hair, laying there for hours on slow days, calming his permanent anxiety.
Also may or may not have the flavour of touch starved that makes him get hard with enough cuddles and kisses
This, THISSS. That man is so touch starved itâs tear inducing.
Being the size that he is, people often assume that he can just âtake itâ and he can, a punch that would disorient a smaller man he can brush off with a small confused frown.
Ser Arlan would often give him a clout round the ear for being âthick as a castle wallâ and he was used to that.
If you ever slapped his shoulder playfully or shove him he would just smile down at you because he knew that, that was familiar, that was the affection heâd known.
But when you place a hand on his forearm gently or lean into him, he turns stiff as stone. He doesnât quite know what to do. Should he wrap an arm around your shoulder? Would you even like that? Is that what heâs meant to do? Heâs having an internal crisis while youâre happy as Larry leaning into his warmth against the cool of the night.
Sometimes you lean over him to pick up the blanket you had bought for egg, letting the small boy nestle into your side while you lean against dunk, and itâs all so domestic it makes his heart burst.
After you send the boy to bed, you swing your legs over his lap and heâs painfully hard because he can feel the warmth and softness of your thighs through your skirt and itâs driving him mad, heâs trying to listen to what youâre telling him but heâs about to keel over and faint from how flushed he feels and of course you notice because youâre lovely like that, you press a hand to his forehead with a âare you alright, Ser?â Itâs all too much for poor dunk so he just presses his lips together and nods a little too eagerly.
With much bravery and inner monologuing he plucks up the courage to ever so gently rest his palm on your shin, the celebration in his head could rival Lyonels parties when you simply smile over at him before turning back to watch the flames lick at the cooling summers air.
A/N: added valarr cause thatâs my man guys (can you tell I binged his entire tag after posting last night). I was so close to putting âdamn this crush I have on you is kinda giving me brain damageâ in baelors but itâs too soon I fear and I love giving maekar this dynamic with his reader itâs so goated.
âWhen I complain about men, Iâm talking about randoms. But mine? Big fanâ - you
âHaving a crush gives me the same symptoms as psychosisâ - him
âYou ever look at a man and just want to make him dinner for the rest of his lifeâ - you
âMen love to be shoved and grabbed and thrown around and pinned down, itâs like enrichment for themâ - you
â(Flirting) can you lay on top of me and crush me with your entire body weightâ - you
âI made my girl laugh with a silly joke and I got so flustered I apologisedâ - him
LYONEL â
âWhat is wrong with usâ - you âso much, but atleast weâre funnyâ - him
âPros and cons of dating me are ironically both my mouthâ - him
âHaving a crush on your husband is so humiliating, like why are you making me shy, we literally kiss but donât look at meâ - you
âIf Iâm ever losing an argument with my husband, all I have to do is hit him with the âyou want me so bad rnâ and he immediately slide tackles me into bedâ - you
âMy literal wife who is married to me and loves me called me sexy four days ago and I am still riding that high - him
âMy girl can wear whatever she wants because I can break your jawâ - him
ďżź
BAELOR â
âThe urge to fuck him when he starts talking about nerdy shit I donât understandâ - you
ââQuit letting her bite youâ well why ever would I do that, she needs enrichmentâ - him
âHeâs a 10 but he listens to me yapping so heâs a 100â - you
âI like my man a bit strict, I wonât listen but I appreciate the effortâ - you
âDating a mature guy is so stressful, I mean he just apologises straight away. Now what am I supposed to do with my anger?â - you
ââWhat a nerd lolâ, I say with barely controlled lustâ - you
âOh to be in a silk nightgown in front of a vanity removing my makeup while my partner lies in bed watching me lovinglyâ - you
âOne manâs âyour asking for too muchâ is another manâs âthatâs all?ââ - him
MAEKAR â
âDamn heâs so fine, Iâm gonna make a positive impact on his life and make him feel belovedâ - you
â*sexting* I will marry you and take care of youâ - him
âHearing âdonât startâ really gives me a thrill, makes me really want to startâ - you
âI just offered my wife the world so I donât know where the rest of yâall are gonna live but it canât be hereâ - him
âIf my wife ever had a bad day, Iâll take the earth with my bare hands and spin it backwards to restart the dayâ - him
âNeed me a man who canât breath when Iâm mad at himâ - you
AERION â
âTold her to fight her demons and she punched me? Iâm confusedâ - him
âOnce you start dating me there are no breakups, itâs either we plan our wedding or your funeralâ - honestly both of you
âItâs so beautiful when two real fucking perverts find eachotherâ - you
âYou look like you would ruin my life, Iâm kinda into thatâ - him
âI LOVE YOU XOâ - him âare you about to kill yourself?â - you âNO YOUR JUST FUCKING WONDERFUL ARENT YOUâ - him âseriously are you sick or something?â - you
âI didnât fall for you, you fucking tripped meâ - him
VALARR â
âI want a man to love me so bad his entire family thinks I did witchcraft on himâ - you
âIm such a slut for casual intimacy, like yes rest your chin on my shoulder while weâre in line at the shop, I live for that shitâ - you
âLaughing like idiots in bed is a love language and itâs mineâ - him
âIâm so boredâ - him âsameâ - you âcan we move to the kitchen and just stand in the corner and silently judge everyoneâs outfitsâ - him âobviouslyâ - you
âNot arguing with a dude that has big brown eyes like whatever you say gorgeousâ - you
âYour little smile was very cute by the wayâ - him âyour so obsessed with meâ - you âI so amâ - him
DAERON â
âMaking love is so unromantic, me and my girl are boinkingâ - him
âI call my girl Medusa, bc anytime I look at her I get rock hardâ - him
âIâm in love with this guy but itâs none of his businessâ - you ďżź
âThis guy is such a loser, I want him in my bed immediatelyâ - you
âMarriage is hard, but we donât talk enough about how with the right person, itâs also just having a fun giggly slutty sleepover for the rest of your lifeâ - you
âWould you woohoo me on sims, yes or no?â - him
Baratheons are famously stubborn and prideful, and to make matters worse, a particular Baratheon called Lyonel married a woman after his own heart, much to the misfortune of all around them.
Lyonel Baratheon x Reader | 1k+ | cw: fem!reader, crack-ish fic, fucking around and finding out, they're both insanely unhinged i fear, fluff, smut if you squint (and have ears trust me), typos, etc.
A/N: i'm gonna fuck him thx and I'm also going to rope @roguelov into this fuckassery HIIII HAHAHAHA | cross posted on ao3
In truth, the workers of house Baratheon didn't know what was worse: the ruckus that came when the their lord and lady were fighting, or the ruckus that came when their lord and lady were fucking. One thing was for certain, it was always loud, and unfortunately, there were hundreds of casualties always.
Casualties presently included books thrown in anger, silverware dented in irritation, and many, many ears worn by the midday screaming which stretched through the most ungodliest of hours. All the owners of those ears were expected to rise early the next morn, still. Seven damn them.
"You," Lyonel's eye twitches at the sight of Prue, "prudent Prue. My darling wife's handmaiden."
Prue stills in her spot, not daring to move when she ten paces away from with her clearly delirious master.
He was particularly erratic today, considering he barely slept after the vocal match with his fucking bride, who fucking threw him out of theirâ HIS chambers! He could not find sleep, not when the sheets in the guest bedroom where so tweedy and the cushion so cold. He couldn't even be grateful there was no blanket thief, hoarding all the velvet. He was miserable.
Poor Prue gulps as her liege lord beckons her over with an accusatory finger. She clenches her jaw and slowly approaches, hands tightening on the copper tray in her grip. "L-Lord Lyoâ"
"You mean to feed my wife with this, yes?" his worn gaze locks on the bowl of oatmeal, mixed with cocoa, milk, cream, berries and apples. He knows it well; it was he that first fed his wife this concoction. Damn her unoriginality.
The woman hesitates, knowing surely that her response will dictate how quiet the next hours will be. Unfortunately, she hesitates too much, "s-seâ"
"It's a question with a simple answer!" Lyonel snaps, causing her to flinch, "Is. This. My. Wife's. Meal? Yes?! Or NO?!"
Prue rapidly nods, "y-yeâ"
"Gooooood," he slurs, nodding slowly whilst rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. Mind you, he was stone cold sober.
A few servants find Prue as they hurriedly pass down the hall, sympathetic that she was the Baratheon's current hostage.
The head of the great house places a finger on his chin as he thinks of what he ought to do next. "Ah!" Lyonel perks, "tell my wife," he turns from the handmaiden to his wife's meal, "that I spit in her oatmeal."
Prue's jaw slacks and her lips quiver, "m-my lord?"
He takes the spoon, and a spoonful of gruel, tasting it, "fuck, that's good. I nearly have the mind to steal it, but the helpless girl will starve herself if I do."
Prue flinches at how he drops the spoon back on the tray.
"That's all," says Lyonel.
The woman stays put in her spot.
He shakes his head expectantly, gesturing with a dismissive wave, "go run to your woman."
Prue stares at the oatmeal, heart racing at the fact the man wanted her to lie about such a thing... or was he not meaning to? "T-the oatmeal..."
His brows furrow.
She slowly raises the tray, "s-serâ"
"W-" he starts but quickly realizes, "I'm not actually going to spit in her food!" Lyonel scoffs in offense, hand flying to his chest, "what do you take me for, some sort of degenerate?!"
"N-no!" she lowers the tray, pulling it close to her chest, "I don'tâ"
"Shit," he presses his pointer to his lips, "do you think she'll notice?"
Her brows quirk, "my lord?"
"I mean, she's well acquainted with my spit." He genuinely debates the thought, "maybe I should," he stares at the bowl, "it's not like she hasn't asked me to spit in her mouth before."
Prue cannot withhold her aghast expression.
"What say you, Prue?" he tilts his head, "ought I spit in my..." his gaze is torn away from her. He gulps, "... wife."
I approach my husband, brows furrowed at the sight of my handmaiden shriveling before him, "Prue?"
"My lady!" she gasps and flinches, immediately urning around.
Lyonel's lips are parted, eyes locked on my exposed arms and chest, glimmering in the sunlight. I had new body cream that had flecks of gold and I was also wearing the dress he had commissioned for me a few weeks ago. Both of them were from Dorne, so they were, needless to say, pointedly alluring.
She stammers, "I- I was on my wayâ"
"You needn't explain," I place a hand on her shoulder, turning to my oaf of a husband.
Lyonel's eyes are locked on my bosom.
Right where I want him. "Goat?"
He snaps out of his trance, "did you just call me a fucking goat?"
"No," I purse my lips and clasp my hands together, "I said the word goat and you merely responded."
Prue clenches her teeth.
Lyonel licks his fangs as he laughs dryly. I cannot help but catch the way his tongue traces his teeth, which is why I resort to berating him, "what have you done to my handmaiden?"
"Have I?" he gasps, steepling his fingers over his chest, "how do you know it is not she whoâwhere are you going?"
After an eye roll and a grip on Prue's arm, I walk off, "to break my fast away from your wretched face, my lord."
"WRETCHED?!"
Prue flinches where I groan in irritation. I do not even look over my shoulder, "pipe down, goat."
"SO YOU DID CALL ME A GOAT!"
It was quiet after and I ate my first meal of the day in silence. But the silence, in fact, was too quiet. I found myself expecting Lyonel to break into solar each time I brought my spoon into my mouth. Of course, I should have known he'd be more devious than that.
I hear him before I see him. I, in fact, have to stand and look out the window to see him. And gods, my jaw slacks at the sight I see.
Lyonel is slashing a wooden dummy with his sword. He is red in the face, torso gleaming with sweat, and his torso, his torso was bare. Damn his lewdness.
It was not that I had eagle eyes, but the fact I've spent endless nights tracing the faint and dark scars all across his body that I could make them out from where I looked. The muscles on his arms were bulging from exertion and his eyesâ
"Fuck," I whisper.
His eyes were on me.
"OH!" Lyonel shouts, brushing his sweaty hair away from his face, "DOES MY WIFE CONCERN HERSELF WITH ME SO SUDDENLY?!"
I clench my teeth and open the window, shouting back at him, "you train so early, yet I am certain you've not broken fast for you can seldom eat without my company!"
"SHE DOES CONCERN HERSELF!" Lyonel laughs, turning to the guards around him who do not share at all in his amusement.
"BE QUIET IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO UPSET MY STOMACH!" I bark at him.
"BUT I DO MEAN TO UPSET YOUR STOMACH!" he barks back, whipping his head up at me. He chucks his sword to the ground, "I'VE BEEN BEATING THIS DUMMY FOR HALF AN HOUR AND ONLY NOW HAVE YOU NOTICED!"
I roll my eyes, "So?!"
"SO, I COULD NOT SLEEP WITHOUT YOU, WOMAN!" his voice cracks as he shakes his hands, "YOU DESERVE INDIGESTION!"
I gasp before my nostrils flare, "YOU SHOULD HAVE APOLOGIZED THEN INSTEAD OF SLEEPING APART FROM ME AND WISHING ME ILL!"
"I?! TIS YOU WHO MUST APOLOGIZE!"
"I WOULD RATHER HURTLE MYSELF OUT OF THIS WINDOW THEN EVER DO SUCH A THING!"
"THEN, PRAY, DO IT!" Lyonel snatches the air roughly, "HURTLE YOURSELF OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW"
I swear, in that moment, I see red as the fucking GOAT taunts me. I rip my skirt up and bring my knee up to the sill.
"NO!"
The chorus of disagreements is instantaneous. Lyonel's voice is the loudest out of everyone else's. He immediately runs just beneath the window.
"I THOUGHT YOâ"
He is red in the face as he screams at the top of his lungs, "DON'T FUCKING JUMP, YOU LOONY FUCKINGâ WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" There is audible fear in his voice when he says the last part.
I walk off and return, sending my oatmeal flying out the window, hand gripping the bowl tightly as the semi-liquid descends.
Lyonel is not at all hit by the poorly thrown projectile, but he gasps all the same, clutching his chest yet again, "YOU WOULD BURN YOUR LIEGE LORD?!"
"IT'S BEEN TEPID!" I snap, slamming the windows shut as I did.
Lyonel immediately grumbles and storms off, muttering hotly under his breath that he was not going to allow any of this madness to continue.
All the witnesses to the onslaught; guards, servants and all else who dropped what they were doing to watch the incident, held their breath in fear that the day would only grow even more sour.
And just as most feared, another screaming match was had once Lord Lyonel made it to the solar. The minutes seemed to stretch into eternity at noise of their roaring quarrel. The sound was so terrible, most who had ears opted to cover them. Furniture was thrown around, nasty words were spoken freely, and thenâ
... And thenâ
"Mmm, just like that, you stupid fucking goat!"
Poor Prue was just outside the solar when she heard her lady... moaning. Was thatâ that was definitely a man grunting. Woe to her, who merely wanted to check up on what she thought would be her distressed lady.
"Fuckkk... tastier than oats and berries.â" the voice is muffled, but it is undeniably Lyonel.
