Paved Paradise

Mostly poetry. All posts are originals done by myself, beccamakalapua. Feedback is much appreciated :)

[awwyoumademeink]

When they ripped off my talons and clipped off my wings and beat me to dust for ridiculous things I sucked up my blood and spat in their face I blew out their eardrums with my screams just in case. I dug my heels deep I ran till I wept I ran cause man gives a torture I wouldn’t accept. I lept like a hero who was lacking a cape, I flew into space as my last great escape. — “Don’t Need Wings to Fly” | r.l

[awwyoumademeink]

I started screaming at my feet because they wanted to keep me grounded but my wings were forming gusts of wind trying to pry me from the floor. My claws sunk into the soil in hopes to glue me where I’ll die, but all my wings were begging for was one measly chance to fly. My consciousness, less patient than I, has already left me far behind, and I’m sinking in a quicksand that is nothing more than pure destruction. Trailing behind me are roots and remnants of an earth I’ve already forgotten— with the wind scraping at my cheeks, I finally feel a craved euphoria. Man stares at me, jaws dropped, calling me bird or plane, calling me down before I become an outrage. They do not know that I’ve unleashed the very being of me that felt unwhole. The clouds kiss me softer than any man I have ever known, and for once I want to breathe the fresh air and break addiction from my routine. I look down to see man as ant, and wonder if god also sees an expendable species wrapped in false understanding of a world he, himself took so much time to create. I’m soaring in the midst of space and the earth is no larger than my thumb— the air is dense and the moon is flirting with me; I simply lose all sense of gravity. No longer does the weight on my heart feel like it’s crushing my very being. The reds and blues are radiant and I understand that love is not for humans. Love is for the souls who dare to collide— for those who see something worthy in another, and have no fear in their own skin. I kiss Pluto on the lips to let him know he hasn’t been forgotten; he smiles at me and I think we both finally feel something. I fall so deeply in love; I plummet through the galaxies. Thankfully gravity has the audacity to spit me out and finally, I become a star.

“I Didn’t Forget You Pluto” | beccamakalapua 3.15.16

[awwyoumademeink]

I need you to understand how special you are. You deserve to know that the crescent moon is jealous of the shape of your smile. That the galaxy is amazed by the mere depths of you; that the earth rotates just so your face can always feel the sun. When a breeze creeps through our window, your whispers keep my neck warm; my whole body warm; as you tell me over, and over again, that I’m beautiful. I need you to know that you’re the only person that has said this that has ever made me believe I am special. You need to know that when you hold me in your arms I get a monsoon of butterflies wreaking havoc in my tummy. My cheeks burn as the sun, and your never ending smile is glued to my face. I need you to understand how special you are, to me. You need to know you’re the only one on my mind. I think of you when I am sober, bright and early in the morning— when I am tired and frustrated in the middle of the day— when I’m happy hanging out with my friends— when I’m drunk and flirty. It’s you, engulfing my mind. You need to know that I don’t drink because I’m alone anymore. I am trying to be better— I am trying to learn how to dance with you, how to laugh and sing and be with you. I stare at the earth in my dreams watching it spin round and round and I think how lovely it would be if it were you and I— universe and planet, doing the Lindy Hop of life, as you shine like a star while I spin round and round. I am getting back into poetry because I’m finally starting to feel again. And I need you to know, you’ve changed a woman who never believed that love was in the cards for her, into a woman who is falling harder and harder without the fear she’ll crash.

He’s Special | beccamakalapua 8.6.16

[awwyoumademeink]

think of the devil and he shall appear— think of god and wait in line; for the devil is eager to grant your sin where god is biding his time too thin— you see, evil is power and power is hungry, and with each hopeful prayer ten commandments may bend. bend until broken, broken until dust— but talking to someone is something you must— whether be god damn it this day, or hail satan to ash, if your moments are happy you need not horde cash— for satan is friendly and god is a bore— cause satan get’s free reign while god gets a chore. in each breath i am hoping to find a door C, where there isn’t a jesus, but a god made for me.

Faith Cannot Be Taught | beccamakalapua 4.27.16

[awwyoumademeink]

The stars are falling out of the sky crashing in my yard. I inject them into my veins to feel a magic within me. Since you've left, it seems wrong that the world continues to spin-- because, like the stars, I fell out of my own galaxy and crashed right into yours. Clumsily, foolishly, unregrettably. I long for your lips; nobody knows alone like I feel right now. To know that we did nothing wrong; that we did everything just right; and I still can't be in your arms tonight is driving me insane. Driving me in reverse-- Driving me in pain; Steering me till I'm in bliss-- Then slowly driving me off a cliff. Your laugh is like my favorite song-- and my only craving--to sing along--  but you're too far for me to hear it; so far I can't come near it. If I could just see your face the stars would tickle my insides-- lighting me up for the world to see that you have brought out this light in me. I'd embrace you close saying I'd never let go-- then kiss you hard so the world would know. Till then I will collect the stars, hell, if you'd come back I'd collect you mars, but here I wait and hope and dream and swear out loud and maybe scream-- that hopefully you will feel this sore, and I'll hear you knocking at my door-- that hopefully I can see you soon, and maybe you'd help me steal the moon.

Gathering Galaxies | beccamakalapua 7/22/16

[awwyoumademeink]

Bolivia & Peru

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything, so I figured the best way to get back in the grove is to just do it. So I’m going to talk about my travel experiences this summer.

If any of you are contemplating visiting South America, I have to tell you that it’s an excellent decision and you should start booking and planning your trip immediately. I plan to go to Argentina and Chile next summer because I fell in love while I was travelling this country. 

I reside in America. One of the most self-absorbed, selfish, unforgiving, non-free “free” countries you can live in. Don’t get me wrong, I love my country, I think that the land we have is incredibly beautiful. Being from Hawaii, I am no stranger to clear waters, amazing cuisine, and being engulfed in the Aloha Spirit. But the people in this country are greedy and have no regard for anyone but themselves. Albeit, there is an exception to every rule, and not everyone here is completely self-serving. Though, even in good faith, the ultimate goal here is to make a name for yourself before you die, or pass on an already thriving legacy to someone else who will continue your hard work and keep you alive through history, nothing more.

When I traveled to South America, it really came into perspective how ungrateful we can be as human beings in fortunate, better off, countries. Walking down the streets of Bolivia, I got the opportunity to meet locals of the country. Each so very humble, and each so kind. Women are carrying their babies in slings in front of them, while carrying their entire store’s merchandise in a sling on their backs. Many people work in markets on the same street and have to bring their items every day, only to pick it all back up and take it home when the market closes. I would see women over the age of sixty carry loads of equipment for long distances, whereas I’m watching them thinking, “I don’t even know if I could lift it, let alone haul it to and from my house.” Their children, when old enough, go with them to work when they aren’t in school and help them sell just to keep the food on the table. As tourists pass, I watched the children stare in wonder and awe at all the fancy things they carried. Most just stare, but their curiosity was beautiful. One of my favorite parts? Watching how happy the kids are to help their parents. No one is complaining about not having the newest iPhone, or laptop, or gaming console. They spend their time, not their money, with and on each other. They appreciate the simplest things, and I think that as technology has rapidly progressed over the last fifteen or so years, we have trouble connecting with simplicity because we’re so caught up in trying to achieve the extravagant. If it didn’t cost so much money to travel to places, I would love to travel year round. But here I am, trying to achieve the extravagant, working my life away, just so I can get a mere two weeks off a year in search of simplicity.

When you travel to third world countries they tell you, you better be careful or you’re going to get robbed. Don’t boast cameras or cell phones for long periods of time because you paint a target on your back for pickpocketers. I never came across this issue. And I don’t think that those things can be stapled to a particular place because there are thieves in every country--there are murderers and rapists in every country--there is evil everywhere because there are humans everywhere. If you’re going to travel, don’t bring your expensive things--you’re there to experience something new, not take your whole house with you to somewhere else just so you can go home and say you’re a “world traveller.” Getting out of your comfort zone and seeing all the world has to offer is the whole point of making the trip. If you must bring expensive things that you seemingly “can’t live without” be smart about when and where you decide to bring it out of your bag. 

While in Bolivia I got the amazing opportunity to spend three days in the Bolivian Amazon. After a three hour boat ride up the Beni River, we find ourselves in quaint cabins in the middle of the jungle. With only four hours of power a day and no cell reception, I must admit this was one of my absolute favorite parts of the trip. The atmosphere is a peaceful silence, only being broken by a cry of a monkey or the rustling of leaves by some foreign critter. I had never slept so soundly. Waking up at 7AM every day, eating fruits and other healthy meals for breakfast to help us through the day, and walking over ten miles on some days was something I could definitely get used to. We got to try catfish, fish for piranha, scout for caimen, chase wild hogs through the jungle, and watch monkeys swing from the tops of the trees. On the night walks we got to see a bushman snake, loads of spiders, an anteater, and much more. The only time I was ever on my cellphone was to take pictures of my surroundings. When I got back to civilization, texting felt foreign and I simply lost the taste for responding to people when they tried to contact me. The moment I was in was all I needed, and I would see my friends when I returned. 

Upon returning from the Amazon, our plane back to La Paz from Rurrenabaque broke down so we had to stay an extra night in town. The airlines didn’t use a computer system so we had to wait quite a while to get compensated and figure out when we would be able to fly out again. That evening, staying in a hostel, I had gotten very sick. Not sure what it was from, but I was unable to keep anything down for more than a minute. Luckily my travel partner was an excellent companion and made sure that I was set up with water and food for when I was ready to try them again. He was also very sweet to book us a flight from La Paz to Cusco to save us a lot of travel time. The original plan was to take a 10 1/2 hour bus ride from La Paz to Peru, but because I got sick he had bought us a flight that was a little over an hour. For that I will be forever grateful. 

Upon arriving in Peru, we got set up in the next hostel and set out to explore before heading to Machu Picchu the next day. I was still feeling under the weather so we just did some walking around the main plaza, scouting out places that we would want to try eating at and visiting the mini markets around town. This is a beautiful country, let me just say. The people, (other than the annoying salesmen that really won’t take no for an answer unless you’re blunt with them that you dON’T WANT A MASSAGE OR A SHOESHINE OR SUNGLASSES OKAY), were extremely sweet. They always did their best to accommodate our ridiculous requests for hot sauce and other things we needed for meals and were very apt to jump on any problems we encountered while we were staying in hotels and hostels. Because of the language barrier (us being English speakers and them speaking mostly Spanish), it was difficult to make a request without sounding demanding if we didn’t know how to say it in their language. Still, they were patient and kind and tried their absolute best to understand what we were inquiring about to make sure our stay was the best possible. And even though we hit some speed bumps, I loved every moment of it. 

If you know me personally, you know that I can be overly dramatic when expressing myself, and I often sound like I’m complaining the whole time. I would just like to say that this trip was probably one of the best two weeks of my life. I got to go with someone who made the entire trip enjoyable even when I thought I was at my rope’s end. I got to see one of the seven wonders of the world and try the world’s most intense form of psychedelic, Ayahuasca. And I fell in love with every moment and most people I got the opportunity to meet and connect with. I cannot wait to go to Argentina and Chile next year. To experience more of this amazing culture, and to cross off two more countries on my “South America To Do List.” 

There’s a whole world out there guys. Find a great travel partner, and go see it’s beauty. I PROMISE it’s better than sitting in your room. Save up, make sacrifices, plan it out. If you can’t find a travel partner, go it alone. Be safe, be smart. Most importantly, allow yourself to detach from where you come from, and try to submerge yourself entirely on where you go. There’s nothing like stepping out of your own shoes for a couple weeks. Humble yourself. Feel what others feel. As the cliche goes, Live your life to it’s fullest. The world can be a picture on a screen, or it can become one of your favorite songs.  

[awwyoumademeink]

The way he kisses is engulfed in patience; gentle, and passionate, as if to say, “I want to know you right this second, but I can wait if you want me to, I just love the way you taste, One day I hope you can trust me enough to let me consume your soul.” I get shivers down my spine every time his hands graze my lower back, and for the first time in a lover, I am able to look him in the eyes and smile. For the first time I feel a flame inside me that isn’t doused in pure destruction— it is warm, and calm, and for the first time in all my years, I feel my darkness turning into light.

beccamakalapua, 7.14.16

[imnotalltheremyselfdear]

the love i feel for myself is too strong–

the confusion i feel for not being loved back is all wrong–

the questions i have are lacking every good answer–

i wish to keep moving, but lonely is cancer–

i crave a love that’s rich and poor,

i am the only who craves a less that’s more–

less lies, less bodies, no wandering whores–

cause your body and mind is all i’m here for.

but finding a love that is all about me,

would be to unlock a modern door with an ancient key–

for the love i feel for myself is too strong,

and the love i feel from anyone else just feels wrong.

[awwyoumademeink]

First I take a swig, then I take a hit, and in a moment I am crossed, and I’ll tell you I was lit. I B-lined it to the bar and asked him for a drink; he asked me what I liked but didn’t let me think. A shot of this for me and you, another to chase it down, before I know I’m out the door; he’s taking me downtown. We laugh inside this darkened room, we laugh right through the junction, we talk and drink, and drink some more; I’m forgetting how to function. At work I bring a bottle filled with a whiskey or a rum, to think that maybe the customers won’t mind if I have some fun. After work I drive my car straight to the store, forget the bar, the bottle I have in my arms is just enough to do me harm— I chug and swallow left and right, I suck in hits with all my might; they call me something just “not right” because I do this every night. The boys are coming to my door— I don’t want them, but they want more— slowly I sink down to the floor, but drink my drink till there’s no more. Company is all I crave, but in the midst of all they say, I can’t help but let my mind go think, and really all I crave is drink. It’s Lit | r.l. 03.01.16

[awwyoumademeink]

I vow to always be truthful. To hold you in my arms every free moment I get. I promise to try my best to understand you, but never believe I know what you’re feeling. I will love you with all my heart, because that is what I give to you. I don’t know what tomorrow holds, or any day beyond that. But I know that I love you. I know that when I see you, I am at my peak of happiness. When you hold me close, I feel a life everlasting. I promise to give you every last drop of who I am. I will never judge, nor deceive, nor accuse you of being an alduterer, nor shall I engage in adultry. I promise to trust you with all of the parts I have never given to anybody else. I promise to love you until the sun burns out. Until the earth stops spinning. Until after death. May we never part.

After Death, May We Never Part | r.l. 4.27.2016

[awwyoumademeink]

I feel like I'm suffocating in the middle of the street and no one can see me dying. I stand in front of car after car and they seemingly drive around me. I jump onto a crimson hood to see if I can make a dent, but the car just drives it can't subdue me-- The eyes I catch just look right through me. The glass has cut my forearms up, my blood leaves a trail to pave-- though they don't know that if they follow they will find me at my grave. I feel like I'm on the ledge of a building, and no one can see me crying. But just like in the middle of the street, no one can see me dying. One more step is all it takes to keep this soul from flying. But I step back because the last thing they'll get is satisfaction in my lack of trying. I feel like I am losing sight of a reason for tomorrow. How yesterday should have warned us all that it's intention was harsh sorrow. Because getting yourself up is like getting pushed right back down and even music isn't a pleasant sound. The ocean can't give silence, when there's constant screaming in my mind; I am a fucked up headphone set too stubborn to unwind. I feel like I'm suffocating in the middle of the street, Which is a feeling I get often. But the part that breaks me is knowing my only solice can be found within a coffin.

Beyond the Lights | beccamakalapua

[awwyoumademeink]

I, Too

Like a new haircut or a new idea, the anger of me smoking my lungs away will soon fade and the intense persistence I feel gnawing at my aching bones shall cease-- as the smoke fills my lungs, I realize that I, too, shall be no more. The care for my well-being will dissipate, and I will be happy for... Well; being. Because the smoke that traces the lining of my lungs is the only thing that caresses me When I tell him I love death. Smoke is that only thing that understands the way I feel-- That I too, am a cancer. That I, too, shall one day fade away.

[awwyoumademeink]

Writing is making me bleed and I do not wish to die, but every time I stitch these wounds I get enticed to cry. Should I keep them open in hopes to start anew, or should I kiss them with my lips and become one of the few— the few who accept the terms of life without asking reasons why; the few who see the wounded souls as a test coerced by time? Should I stitch the slashes up with love premised by hate, or should I sink them low beneath warm waters and escape? I wish to know the difference between love and love that’s lost, because right now I can’t seem to tell if it’s love or if I’m cross. Crosses never helped me, to the other side or with God, so maybe I should burn each cross in hopes to become broad. Broad enough to blend right in, broad to merge the pain, broad enough amongst the souls who wish to turn me sane. Writing hurts my bones like a cracking in my heart because when I write these words my cuts are torn apart. Needles only puncture, the thread will simply knot, I cannot stitch the wounds belonging to a soul ensured to rot. So rip me at the seams, rip apart my threads, do it knowing full and well that I'm already dead.

Stitches | beccamakalapua

[awwyoumademeink]

Sometimes I wake up Angry that I'm alive And sometimes I wake up Angry, knowing that I'm not. And sometimes, "Sometimes," can be Almost every time, And I wonder what to do With my days left on these rocks. Mornings are the worst, Because in my dreams I should have known, That waking up, would wake me down; In air I seem To only drown. I call upon my cap'n To see if he will steer, So I can look for hope inside These nightmares drenched in fears. The boat begins to rock me, I try to fall asleep; the waves engulf the bow and stern, I've nothing left to keep. Sinking in the depths of me, I cannot look around, For only in my silent thoughts Could I hear the silent sounds. At first it sounds like screaming, Then a hearty hush, I swim in hopes to find some air I'm burning, drenched, Hopelessly scared. Then again I wake, Angry I'm alive. The more I live the more I get Why people wish to die.

Drinking With the Captain | beccamakalapua

[awwyoumademeink]

Today I am not here even though I may seem near, I've run away inside my mind but in form, I still appear.  Today I cannot stay Because I'm far away, You can try to track me down tonight but you'll lose me with the day. Fleeting in it's natural course, hesitant in false remorse, They exchanged my rights of life for the right to have brute force. Pushed into a wall, Shoved down and forced to fall, I thought they'd kill the plagues of man But man will kill us all.

The Man | beccamakalapua

[awwyoumademeink]

It's not much, this place. We waste time As we are wasted by time. We grow to be cut down-- Make me feel like a kid again. How I wish I could go back. How I fear no other direction, except the one in front of me.

Angst | beccamakalapua

[awwyoumademeink]

Mercy me, for kissing the toes of those too afraid too walk for themselves. Pity on me, for giving my flesh to cover those who claimed to be dying. I am a tattered vessel, empty at it's fullest, take, take, take, until you are stuffed. Rest your eyes, know that you did well, you survived another day in hell. Unfortunately, I was not meant to be pulled apart. My soul is scattered everywhere, they have my thoughts, my dreams, my heart. I cannot feel These empty meals And I know more hollow than you could swallow. To search for pieces lost in time is losing time itself-- I am not meant to be whole by the end of this all, I am meant to be different, and hopefully a little brighter.

Born As You Are, Die Who You Want To Be | beccamakalapua