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Ray-Ban Sunglasses

12/18

You know what’s sad, you can give everything to a guy and they will still cheat on you and make you feel like it was your problem. What’s even sadder is falling into his trap of words because its what you wanna hear not what you need to hear. We were having sex and he couldn’t even kiss me, it’s like it was too much for him as if he hasn’t done it before. He knows how much i still love him and he uses that against me, and i let him. It’s not the same, he doesn’t make everything bad go away like he used to. Im near him but i feel like he’s miles away. He’s not the same person I fell in love with, it was a lie. Now im here and I feel like a pocket pussy that has emotions. He says he loves me but love doesn’t cheat on you and doesn’t act like kissing is burning his lips. He hugs me but i feel like he’s not even there. He’s not the guy I fell inlove with. He’s not the guy I fell inlove with anymore.

10:40 am

12/09/19

So I heard my grandma today and she doesn’t sound good at all. The cancer is getting to her, liver or kidney cancer. She’s not doing well and she talked to my dad. I hate it. Bro why. My grandma is the sweetest fucking lady bro why. Im so heartbroken. And my dad omg, my poor dad. To have to hear her like that I hate it. She doesn’t deserve it, he doesn’t deserve it. I know it’s for a reason but why like this. I can’t.

10:47 pm

12-3

Andy says he wants me. Idk what to do. I do really love him, but i hurt myself for hurting him. Idk what to do. Should i give it a try? What will change? Will everything be the same? I don’t know. I feel so empty. Completely empty. He’s th only one who makes me feel sum type of way. Im sad. He choose 2 girls over me. He doesn’t deserve a second chance at us. Maybe of a friendship but definitely not a couple. We were bad. Summer solidified us, but other than that what? He made me feel worthless, disrespected, and now he might have sum. Thats bullshit frl. Complete bullshit. I know what I need, i know i love him but its not what i need right now. I gave him plenty of chances to come back and he never did. I love him so much but is that enough?

9:31 am

Sad.

I don’t want to eat anymore. I get fat everytime i consum something. I don’t want to go to school because i dont pay attention anyways. I start crying thinking about the past. Thinking about what went wrong. I hate it. Im stuck while your moving on. I want you but you don’t want me. I wanted to be pregnant so I could keep you. I wanted a baby with you. It sucks. You literally hate me because the girl you fell inlove with blocked you. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what purpose I have on this earth. I literally don’t have anyone to talk to. Friends sure but they come and go when they please. You were my bestfriend. I told you everything and I would look forward to telling you everything and I still do. I keep texting you wanting you to text me back saying how much you love me. Saying how much you want me but its all just a figment of my imagination. Im stuck on you and I can’t move but you’re stuck on someone else. I still keep crying. I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to stop thinking about you. I dont know how to stop picturing you with other girls. I dont know how to stop loving you. Everything I do reminds me of you and I hate it. I know you don’t think of me. I know I dont mean shit to you. I know you don’t care anymore and im sorry that i wish you did. I smoke to forget you but I can’t ever forget you. Our memories play back in my head over and over again like a broken recorder. Im sorry. Im really sorry i ever existed. I promise you i wish I didn’t live. I promise you i wish i never entered your life. I promise I will be gone soon enough. I just dont know how to stop texting you. You were my life. The only thing i looked forward to when I would wake up. I still dont know how to live without you and Im sorry. Im sorry I wasn’t enough. Im sorry i fucked up your life with her. Im sorry i ever existed cause trust me I wish i was dead. god im so pathetic. I really am..

Lmfao

This guy is a joke. Homie literally got bitches in his phone and has the audacity to ask me 3 times if I wanna be his girlfriend. Gtfo like homie you told me to go fuck my coworker so I did. Nigga sends me shit to spite me like obviously ima get mad you dumb fuck cause your purposely making me mad. I dont know what homie wants. Ruins anytime were good. Like I didn’t ask about your bitches but since your brought it up show me pictures so i can downgrade myself and fuck your mood up. Like wtf. What a joke. I should’ve told him the truth so he could stop talking to me. I just might cause this fool is pissing me tf off. All im trynna do is smoke and repress my feelings ya know? But nah revenge its lowkey way better

It’s over...

I never thought it would be true. I thought it would work out. I thought we could go back. We both hurt each other, how could we go back. All I see is the one he fucked and the one he kissed. I did the same thing to hurt him, but im still the one who crys herself to sleep because i let the guy I love slip through my finger tips. Now nothing I say will get him to love me. He found a girl, bread, and boy is she better looking plus skinny. Every girl is skinnier and prettier, I knew that was his type. I don’t know why I let myself believe that he loved me. Anytime I text him I just look like a clown. I should’ve seen the signs. Him enjoying his phone more than me, shrugging me off, never had his attention, and the no energy halfassed answers. How could I be so stupid. I love you so much my heart hurts but at the same time I hate you so much cause you don’t care. You found other girls to occupy your mind. Shit bread even said she was down to fuck and I know you took her up on the offer. She kissed you and you thought you were falling for her. You confessed to the girl you slept with that you like her. I wish moving on like you was easy. Cause being in the position I am right now sucks ass. I just wanna end it all. Those dogs were like our children in my eyes and I never got to say goodbye. I guess it is what it is. I wish this doesn’t last long but i know it will because I still have our videos of when we were happy. Oh how I wish we were back there. 7 months. My first boyfriend and how horrible did it end. I wish you took me back that night. I begged you to. I pleaded for you to take me back and you didn’t. You wanted to fuck another girl. I fucked a guy and regretted it the moment he was inside me after the fact. I wanted to get over you and I just hurt myself more. Now we’re just stangers living in the same neighborhood.

Sad girl pt 4

He fucked and kissed someone else I tried to look past it. I fuck someone else its unforgivable. Why. Why do i get stuck with the ones that hurt me. Im having urges to cut myself for beign a whore, being vulnerable, allowing myself to be hurt by him. I wanna cut myself for being stupid, putting my all, and seeing the good in him. I cut myself recently because of the times i slept with him and had a scare. Now i wanna cut myself for ever being with him. I never needed this. I just wanna die. I was never worth his time so why am i so worthy to live. I can never do anything right to begin with. I want it all to end. Im ready to end it all. Im just a hoe

Sad girl pt 3...

Im really sad. My heart hurts. I keep checking his Twitter and she likes everything. He never posts pictures and he likes another girl. Why can’t I get over him. Why am I stuck on him and he gets to be ok. I should’ve hurt him. I should’ve told him but I didn’t wanna hurt him now im the one hurting. I think ima block him after I tell him. Or im just gonna block him and thats it. I can’t do this anymore. I torture myself with our good times. Im so tempted to text him and talk to him. I don’t know why. I hate it. I can’t stop it. I think I should block him once and for all. It’s not benefiting me at all. Its breaking me slowly and I can’t take it.

9:16 Nov. 2 2019

Dear first boyfriend,

You slept with someone else, no protection. I would’ve used protection because I don’t just allow anyone. I expressed to you how I felt, shruged off. I tried talking to you, let’s go to my room. I tried. I tried to picture myself as the one who got away but I was never the one. You were so quick to pick someone else, “they were a mistake.” Picking someone up at 1 at night for a car fuck is not a mistake. It was me. Never good enough. Pushed us to be something you didn’t want. Should’ve used you just so I wouldn’t have to feel like this. I know my looks, my body, my personality are on the low spectrum but I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve to keep getting treated like a bitch. I give my all. I give everything I have into someone I like and it’s just not good enough. A sign maybe? They’re not the one? I need to put my gaurd up? Maybe both but you became my best friend. You became my escape from the cruel reality of my life. I shouldn’t have brought you in it. You weren’t ready for me. Im a ticking time bomb. I have kept and still keep so much shit bottled up that will lead to an array of emotional issues. You do something to trigger me and you’re just waiting for the other side to come out. Bipolar some would say, diagnosed by me. But we both really failed with eachother. Im sorry. I really tried. I guess i just got lost with spending every day with you. We could’ve been so perfect. A great love story and I hate that we weren’t. I hate you and I love you Andy.

12:52 am Nov. 1 2019

Self Awareness ?

It’s official I am psychotic. I always think my bf went to go cheat on me, thats very insecure and psychotic. I get upset because he doesn’t listen, psychotic. I get upset when he doesn’t wanna dance with me, psychotic. I make him cry like no other, psychotic. I think I should put myself in a mental institution, just for a couple of days until I’m not psychotic. I hurt myself a plethora of times. I’m always yelling at my sisters. I answer back to my mom because she treats her youngest like a saint when infact she slept over her boyfriends house and we all know what that means. I don’t think I should have children, I’ll pass on my psycho genes to them and we don’t need that. I’ll probably whoop them as if they got caught with meth. I really don’t think I should have children or even work with them at this point. I’ll show them my psycho tendencies and teach them wrong. I miss my dad. He kept me sane. He kept everything in order and now everything is out of order. I wish I could just kill myself. No one would have to deal with me. Honestly like look at me. Im 19 talking about killing myself that should be a sign. But I cannot do that it will literally kill my parents. Oh how I truly wish I could just kill myself and be over with this thing we call living. I wouldn’t go to heaven though so that’s also a reason. Maybe if I hired a hitman to kill me it would lead me to heaven but at the same time I hired him to kill me sooo I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t go to heaven. Damn, that shit fucking SUCKS. Also I taste bad so there goes my sex life out the fucking window. No one will ever taste me again as I shall live or go in me. My insecurities have gone through the roof of a 50 story building and every story is filled with insecurities if you didn’t already assume. Im done. Not officially cause I want the chance to go to Heaven, but I’m totally done with myself.

9•27•19 2:40 am

Ugh.

Idk why my bf doesn’t wanna dance with me. Even when we’re alone in his room, he still won’t dance with me. I offer to teach him, I really just want him to hold me as we just sway together, kinda like practice for if we get married but he wont budge. I’m annoyed because I ask him all the time and he still won’t do it. I get like at parties nah cause he doesn’t know how but all im asking for is a slow dance where we just sway together. Idk what he’s so scared of. I just wanna share a moment while one of my favorites play and we dance to it, a slow song obvi. He knows something is up and i can’t lie to him because he’s gonna ask me to swear on my life and i take that shit serious. Fuck i need to work on my poker face cause this fool will never dance with me and i just need to accept it at this point. My efforts always just go down the drain.

9•25•19 12:09pm

Annoyed af

I hate that everytime I feel some type of way towards something it’s fucking ridiculous. Today started good af, I went to my boyfriends house and was there till I went to work. Within the last hour of work some how i ruin his fuckass day. Like wtf. I ask this fool a simple ass question loud af too and this fool didn’t hear. I never changed my volume as I was speaking to you and you heard me perfectly before but some how you didn’t hear the question I asked you. A simple ass question. And this isn’t the first time. This fool wants to hear what he wants to hear. Like gtf fool. All you have to do is open up ya damn ears and listen to what I had to say. And when he texts me later on he gets annoyed with me cause I won’t tell him the dumbass question. Like if you wanted to know you should’ve heard the first time I asked. Fools over here trynna make me feel bad like bitchh I’ve expressed to you how I’ve felt about this before but I’m still crazy and in the wrong. Like nah bro. Im over it don’t listen to me even though your the only person I ever wanna tell anything to. I’ll just not speak and let you do whatever to me since listening is such a fucking hassle apparently. Its such a pet peeve. I don’t even have good hearing but I know you were saying something and I acknowledge it. It gets annoying ik but I always acknowledge that he said something. I ask a question and that fool goes Im sleepy I’m gonna take a nap. Go ahead bro I’ll answer my own fuckass question since your ears close when you get sleepy. Shits so fucking annoying. Im so done like I honestly rather not say anything important cause its gonna go in one ear and come out the other. Ughh.

9•20•19

Sad girl hours pt. 2

I can’t sleep anymore. I need a blunt. Im still in my head. Im still crying lmfao. Im a little bitch. I wish i had my hair back to the way it was. I wish i could drink the pills that made me skinny without it making my hair fallout (I have hypothyroidism, look it up). I miss my dad so much. He always knew how to make me feel better and how to make me feel pretty. Just one fucking hug is all I wish for. I would give my life just for one fucking hug from my dad right now. He would’ve found something for me to wear on my head to make me feel like a girl. He is my rock. I do everything for him and my mom. They are the reason I haven’t given up even though the idea comes to my mind every day. I feel lost. I don’t know who I am sometimes. I wish I had confidence. I wish i wasn’t a little bitch. I wish i wasn’t born sometimes, i feel like I’m just living. My boyfriend is my escape sometimes but my insecurities always get the best of me. Reason why I’m always in my head. He makes me forget for the time we are together and then everything comes crashing down on me. Little things trigger my insecurities. Fuckkk i need a blunt but i need to stop smoking. Ughhhhhh im so lost. Im so fucking lost. Sometimes i think about a life without me and it seems so much better. I’ve stopped crying but i feel empty. I think its time for bed.

9/14/19 12:59 am

Sad girl hours

I chopped my hair off having no choice. I feel ugly cause I know i look like a boy especially because I put on weight. Don’t know what else to do but feel like a man 24/7. Ha I dont even think my bf thinks im attractive anymore. There’s too much in my head. Maybe cause my in my period but it’s always in my head period or not. I feel so ugly makeup doesn’t even work at this point. Ughhhhhhhh. Im drowning in negative thoughts. I miss my dad but i cant even send him a fucking letter. Ima such a lame ass excuse for human and and even worse excuse for a girl.