Notes to Myself

[axxxsaxxx]

Things keep getting worse. I keep getting worse.

I don't think I could go back to who I was. It is impossible.

I feel like I've become a whole new person, living in the whole new world. Darker.

I lost my friends, hope, will to live, I lost my old life.

Well, life can change, everything can change. I guess mine changed like this: not nice.

I have no money to see the doctor,

I have no friends to talk about this problem,

I have one actually but she is having a baby and I would feeling soo bad if I keep telling her my never-ending problems,

I have nowhere to go,

I have no chance to love myself,

Haha like I have time to do my daily cores anyway.

Who knows that life could turn so bad like this..

Anyone who read this, please pray for me, pray for my death tonight. I can't do this anymore. Everytime I open my eyes in the morning, nothing good happens. And so in the afternoon, and night. So why should I live? Why should people live in the misery?

[axxxsaxxx]

I love my husband so much but if someday he'd leave me I'll understand.

[studyacademia]

I'm so tired but sleeping is not a solution. My body is not tired, my soul is tired.

[axxxsaxxx]

AT LEAST WHEN I SLEEP I DON'T THINK. I HATE MY MIND WHEN IT HAS TO WORK

[herzkeineahnung]

I just wanna die in peace tonight…

[axxxsaxxx]

MY PRAYER EVERYDAY

LET ME DIE IN MY SLEEP

[leeb-leefuh-lurve-deactivated20]

i’m actually doing terrible

[axxxsaxxx]

IM STILL TRYING TO THINK THAT IM NOT MENTALLY ILL. IM JUST STRESSED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. BUT THE DIFFERENCE IS I WANT TO DIE SO BAD. ITS THE NORMAL THING RIGHT, WANTING TO DIE IN THIS BAD SITUATION

[greentea-cigarettes-3-deactivat]

I just want someone to care enough to hug me and just tell me everything is going to be ok even it isn’t.

[axxxsaxxx]

I DONT WANT IT ANYMORE

[susibis]

yes, please

[axxxsaxxx]

YAS PLEASE!

[sa-dnesss]

“How do I get rid of all this anger inside of me?”

—

[axxxsaxxx]

Die

[sa-dnesss]

“sometimes it doesn’t get better”

—

[axxxsaxxx]

It's almost a year since I went to the doctor and yeah I'm going nowhere, it is getting worse I think, die is only thing in my mind

[sa-dnesss]

“you ever just want to fucking cut your body to shreds until you bleed the fuck out because that’s where I am at right now.”

—

[axxxsaxxx]

I do that everytime in my mind

[axxxsaxxx]

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I'M STILL ALIVE WOAH I DON'T EXPECT IT HONESTLY

[axxxsaxxx]

I think I can't hold it any longer. It's on peak!

[axxxsaxxx]

I WISH I COULD DIE IN MY SLEEP TONIGHT.

[axxxsaxxx]

5 days left until my birthday and there's never been a single day I didn't think about my death.

[axxxsaxxx]

I give up.

I lost to myself.

I don't know what to do.

[axxxsaxxx]

I used to hit my son, but after went to the doctor, I don't do it anymore. Do I feel relieved? For that reason, yes, but then turned out it is not that good.

Instead of hitting my son, I hurt myself in anyway possible I can think of. Also I have these escape routes; I call it The Chamber and The Dream. Silly, huh?

I go to The Chamber whenever I get upset, of course, to torture myself, which I cannot do in the real life. After all the pouring blood and the cracking bones, the bruises, then I go to The Dream, to forget all the pain and play along with my imagination. All the happiness inside. Pathetic.

Does that make me healed? Or just feeling better for a while? I don't know for God's sake. I don't know anymore.

[axxxsaxxx]

I have a problem with my anger management, and a little bit hint of depression. I went to the doctor in November last year. Feeling better in the first month after that visit, but in the second month, it all came back.