My Walking Diary

Quran 3:159 & 173💖 Que sera sera & carpe diem!

[ayyyyytothena]

“Pergi” - 07/11/2025, AJ✨

I pray that love won’t find me again.

The last one will be the end of it.

Over and over again,

no matter how hard I’ve fought to not give up for what I love, eventually, I lose it.

No one will ever get me.

I’m too hard to deal with.

Too complicated to be understood.

Too soft ‘till it easily got hurt.

People aren’t bothered to explain,

they just leave.

My opinion means nothing.

How I feel means nothing.

Words were used for an act.

Actions don’t go aligned with what they told me.

And yet, I still trying my best for everything that I love.

I learned that fighting for someone who you love doesn’t worth your effort.

It’ll never be enough.

I’m never be enough for the one that I love.

Hence, I pray that love will never ever find me again.

[pengagumkata]

Enggak perlu juara nak. Yang penting sudah bisa membedakan mana yang baik mana yang benar. Mana yang bermanfaat bagaimu dan mana yang bermanfaat untuk orang lain. Itu saja sudah cukup nak karena pintar tapi tak berakhlak sama dengan kebodohan. Ucap bapak kala itu.

[thoughtkick]

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”

— Maya Angelou

[thoughtkick]

“Respect people’s feelings. Even if it doesn’t mean anything to you. It could mean everything to them.”

— Unknown

[thoughtkick]

“When a person tells you you hurt them, you don’t get to decide you didn’t.”

— Louis C.K.

[ayyyyytothena]

“Compared to her, it’s unfair” - AJ, 9/9/2025

It’s unfair.

It feels unfair.

I can’t believe that it is happening to me.

Where he told me about her but didn’t tell her about me.

He spent more of his time with me, compared to her.

He tried his luck more on me, compared to her.

Comparing to her, he still chose her.

It’s unfair, you know.

You let her falling head over heels of you.

But you didn’t let me fall for you.

You were like an open door when it comes to her.

You knew she fell head over heels for you.

You let her fall for you,

over and over again.

With her hopes tangling along with your emotionless souls.

Why did you treated me differently?

You didn’t allow me to fall for you head over heels.

You started to distance yourself when there’s feelings involved between us.

I never expected anything in return.

It’s unfair.

I never wanted you to be mutual with me, emotionally.

I never asked you to changed a bit.

But what happened to you?

You’ve changed.

Do you hate me that much?

Why did you pushed me away?

Am I not allowed to see you in a way that I wanted?

You let her be attracted to you but you got scared away when I did.

I never asked anything in return.

I didn’t pushed you to make it mutual.

Everything is just the same from me to you.

But you choose to walkaway, anyway.

You pushed me into a corner with a small hole.

Slowly, from solid to liquid.

Faded away from your life.

Through the hole that you let me unfinished wrapping it up.

It’s unfair.

Words doesn’t come out from your mouth but actions speaks louder than words.

I see it coming.

I’ll make it easier for you.

I’ll leave you, for you.

I hope you’re happy with whatever the world that you’ve created.

Although it happened unfairly,

you light up my sorrows when there was no light that lead me the way.

Without my presence,

I hope it does give you peace.

Thank you for all those sleepless nights.

You’re the best dreams that I’ve ever lived by.

Fi Amanillah my handsome guy.

[thoughtkick]

“Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free.”

— Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

[ayyyyytothena]

“Jadi, kamu harus kuat, yaa?” - AJ 24/2/2025

Beratnya rasa menjadi manusia tanpa orang tuanya disisi.

Langit itu terasa sangat berat.

Setiap saat air mataku bagaikan mahu gugur.

Tabahlah wahai diri.

Tenanglah wahai hati.

Orang tua mu tidak mahu lihat kamu bersedih.

Sekiranya takdir boleh memberi sebuah lagi peluang untuk bersama mu,

mereka pasti akan memelukmu dengan lebih erat dan meyakinkan mu untuk sentiasa bangkit bersama wajah yang tersenyum bangga.

Tiada orang tua yang membesarkan permatanya untuk melihat mereka jatuh dan gagal.

Jadi, kamu harus kuat, yaa?

Supaya dapat bersatu kembali bersama selamanya.

[remanence-of-love]

[ayyyyytothena]

“Another year around the Sun, 28th” - AJ 15/01/2025

I’ve spent the year mostly alone, all by myself.

Without you, them and any of us.

Alone, mostly all the time.

Just me, myself and I.

I survived alone.

No one knows what’s in my head and how it feels to deal with it.

There were times where uncertainty took place.

I was living in fear.

Not knowing if every decision I made was right for me.

I was doubting myself all the time.

It was a year where I pushed myself to the very best limit that I can.

I worked all the time just to regress everything that makes me sad to the bottom of my heart.

I feel it’s not worth it anymore to care and love someone who doesn’t see me the same way I did.

It’s the year where I finally put myself first.

In every big decision I made, I whispered to myself.

In each step I took, I played the pause button.

Took a moment to look at myself before I took another step forward.

It’s the year where I let go of something that makes me think I’ll regret it later.

But in God's plan, I trust His work.

Letting go doesn’t mean I’m losing everything with nothing I gain from it.

Rebirth, regain and reset.

It’s the year where I keep on looking forward.

Even though it is hard to walk away from the one that I love, it wasn’t mutual.

At least, I get to know what my worth is.

Lesson learned in approaching 28th, another year around the sun.

It’s the year of never being afraid of letting go and move forward.

Never be afraid when someone says “I’m fine without you in my life.” because you’ll be fine too without them.

God will replace it with something better.

2024,

The year where I spent the most of my time with the people at my workplace.

I’ve my children with me, they bring me joy and instill faith for me to push myself forward.

Colleagues, who are understandable and supportive.

This place has drawn beautiful pictures throughout the year.

A family that isn't drawn by blood.

Thank you for making my 2024 stronger and wiser, a place that makes me feel like home.

[ayyyyytothena]

“Takdir Sembuh Yang Sempurna” - AJ 27/12/24

“Masa tidak dapat menyembuhkan kita.

Rasa sakit itu akan tetap ada.

Yang menyembuhkan kita itu,

adalah kita sendiri.”

Kita itu satu jiwa yang sering merasakan ada sahaja yang tidak sempurna. Kesempurnaan itu sememangnya milik kita sejak dari lahir lagi. Perbandingan dari satu jiwa sama satu jiwa yang lain, tidak dapat memberikan kesempurnaan yang cukup.

Sering menyalahkan keadaan sekeliling untuk perkara yang boleh dikawal oleh sendiri. Dunia ini tidak akan berputar hanya untuk kita. Ia berputar untuk semua.

Belajarlah untuk berdamai dengan takdir yang telah ditulis untuk kita. Walaupun takdir itu, tidak seindah dan senada yang dimahukan. Menerima diri seadanya, itu kesempurnaan. Sentiasa rasa cukup, mudah dan tenang dengan apa yang berlaku dalam kehidupan yang penuh tanda tanya.

Ianya bukan kerja kita untuk mempersoalkan tentang rencana Tuhan buat kita. Diam dan hadapinya sahaja. Hiduplah dalam keadaan tidak mempersoalkan kerja Tuhan.

Tuntasnya, kerja Tuhan itu bukan bahagian kita untuk mengetahuinya. Bahkan bukan tempat kita untuk membahaskan apa yang terbaik buat kita. Jika takdir itu tidak sempurna buatmu, maka teruskanlah berdoa. Kerana doa itu dapat mengubah takdir. Tuhan itu Maha mendengar. Titip sahaja doanya. Jangan pergi jauh darinya. Carilah Tuhan mu didalam apa jua keadaan yang kita lalui.

[butiranembun]

Ternyata semakin kita paham apa itu bahagia semakin kita sadari bahwa kebahagiaan yang paling baik adalah menemukan dirimu hari ini lebih baik dari hari sebelumnya.

[ayyyyytothena]

“Takdir Jodoh Yang Ditolak” - AJ, 7/7/24

Tiada lagi cerita kita untuk di lain hari.

Tiada lagi “Awak, apa khabar?”

Tiada lagi “Dah makan? Harini saya masak…”

Tiada lagi “Good night, jumpa esok baby”

Tiada lagi segalanya tentang kita.

Bila kata-kata itu diungkapkan untuk tidak lagi berhubung,

maka tidak akan ada lagi perhubungan.

Dia adalah takdir yang ku tolak.

Ku pohon pada Tuhan untuk menolak takdir bersamanya.

Berkali-kali Tuhan menunjuk pada ku bahawa dialah orangnya.

Berkali-kali jugak ku pohon pada Tuhan sambil menangis teresak-esak untuk mengambilnya jauh dari ku.

Akhirnya, pada raungan terakhir, Tuhan berkenan dengan doaku.

Menukar takdir yang aku tidak mahu lalui.

Kerana disetiap doa dan raungan ku,

Aku pohon agar jauhkannya dan dekatkan diriku pada Mu Ya Allah.

Diraungan terakhir, aku titipkan rasa takut aku akan kehilangan jauh dari Allah.

Maka, aku menolak dia dan memilih cinta yang tak pernah mengecewakan ku.

Yang sentiasa ada disaat aku terjatuh terduduk.

Dia sentiasa ada disampingku.

Dia ada disaat nyawaku berada dihujung nafas.

Dimata manusia, bodoh agaknya dia ni menolak jodoh?

Tidak mengapa, jodoh yang ditakdirkan padaku kerap menjatuhkanku.

Dunia ini luas, selagi Allah masih ada diingatan ku, aku pasti akan bahagia.

[ayyyyytothena]

“I’m Fine Thank You”

I heard you had someone else to replace me.

How does it feel like to finally found someone to replace that spot?

I hope you’re happy, I hope she treats you well as how you treated me.

It hurts a little for the first 5 seconds,

reality kicks in, I’m back to normal.

It’s okay.

You’re not wrong about you found someone as my replacement.

It’s your choice, I have no voice to against it.

Honestly, I kinda feel nothing when I first heard the news.

Seconds after the news, I feel happy.

Finally, it knock some sense in my head to push myself harder to move forwards.

It’s funny a little because why did I felt hurt when I was the one who chose to leave.

You know what?

It’s okay. Be happy with what’s in front of you.

Maybe, I was the walking red flag about us.

I was the toxic ones.

Because when I’m with you,

I finally realise that sometimes I can be pretty tough person to deal with.

I pushed you away at first,

And you pushed me back.

It is better for us not to stay together.

We’re just going to hurt each other despite we both know that we don’t want to leave us.

Be happy.

Learn the lesson carefully.

I’m fine, thank you for your time.

- AJ, 7/7/24

[ayyyyytothena]

“I’ll be fine if you leave me.”

You gave me the words, so I left.

Leaving you was the hardest decision I’ve made.

But I didn’t regret my actions.

You hurt me.

Disrespect me.

You don’t give a damn about me.

Everything in this relationship is only about you.

The closer we get together, the clearer I realise that I need to leave you.

I love you, I did.

But you broke me first.

Slowly, everything about you seems not convincing enough to me.

Even though I know that you’re trying to fix it but….

What else can be fix when there’s nothing to be fix?

Slowly, each seconds, you taught me every little things about you that I shouldn’t be holding onto anymore.

I miss you.

But I never regret that we’ve end things before we ruined the picture.

End it without storms and thunder.

Just grey skies and breezy day.

In case if you’re wondering “How are you?”

I’m good.

Sometimes I do have a glimpse of us but it fades away as reality kicks in.

You don’t have to worry about me anymore.

- AJ , 7/7/24

[thehopefulquotes]

“Distance doesn’t separate people. Silence does.”

— Jeff Hood

[ayyyyytothena]

2024 - AJ, 6/5/2024

2024,

I guess it’s the year where I started to push people away. I’m starting to reduce my circle, removing and downgrading those who are not worth my pain.

I begin to realize that I am the toxic one.

I’m the walking redflag in any sort of relationship that I had right now.

Rather than keep on walking in a relationship that causing pain to others,

It is better I’ll be the one who withdraws myself from their life.

Let it be me who is suffering with the pain.

I am strong.

I can handle this.

But oh God, please hug me.

I am too little for this big world.

Every bits of time, 

I choose to stay silent.

Because no words can explain what’s going on in my mind and my heart.

I have an anger within me.

But just because I am angry,

Doesn’t mean I have the right to be cruel to others. 

Hence, the best choice is to remove myself from things that are out of my control.

Lately,

I’ve been removing people around me, especially those who are closest to me.

Preparing myself to be all alone is a roller coaster ride but I know I’ll be able to walk out from this.

Just me and He is the one who I believe the most.

Be alone on my own,

Just living at my own pace of life.

Being off track from everyone I know.

Not dying, just removing myself from everyone’s life.

It’s only to take one’s courage to make the magic happen.

Like the gospel goes by "Speaking the words of wisdom, let it be." For what it meant to be lost is something that is good for you.