God is helping me, he lead me to a video because I looked for it, I had always sought guidance and I can accept my flaws when faced with them. The video came up during the little hiatus you took without reading my letters.
Here is the video: https://youtu.be/TuiMru1ZVqg
I went out for a walk after getting a notification that your letter was arriving, I had time to overthink what the contents might be.
I listened to this while walking: https://youtu.be/TuiMru1ZVqg
As I walked empty streets amidst the pandemic lockdown, I saw a lone donkey, he scurried across the road very nonchalantly and turned into a street opposite to mine. I kept watching it becoming a blur in the distance, all by itself, in the cold dark night. I felt like breaking down and crying. I wanted to help him so bad but I didn't.
I just let him go, I let him go and be at God's mercy, I hope and I pray he's alright.
I was the donkey in this instance, although the story is real and not just metaphorical.
There is a lot I want to say, a lot I can say and a lot that I can't yet.
But, trust me, I know what you're saying. Thank you for saying it.
I don't know what exactly is the yearning, I just want love, give love, personify it, live it and be it. With time, trial and error, I have come to the conclusion that I need to mend myself, love myself. I am trying, it is very hard, I am a sinful man with an extremely guilty conscience but I know now, I have known this all along but I fought the the thought of loneliness, I fought it with each fibre of my being but I know now, I know what I must do.
I would love you to be by my side in this journey, the journey I must partake on. I would like that.
I will love you not because I need you, not because I want you, not because I want to be a hero or a martyr. I will love you for you and for being an extension of God's energy, his soul, like we all are. Stardust. There could be greater people, better choices, but I will love you simply because I choose to, and I will stand by my choice, come what may.
Hear this at this moment: https://youtu.be/PpP3hjPVw5Y
I will love myself better, heal myself, be my best version, not to please you or anyone else but to be my best self, the self I was born to be. One that makes full use of the time he has on this earth among the people he loves and those that love him, being kinder, making this world a better, safer place for dreamers.
I am earnest in my quest. Love has no conditions, no formulas, it just is... or isn't.
Me, God, love, myself. Its all connected. We are one. Not just me and the emotions I feel or the presence I refer to as God but us, you and I, this universe, each and every individual in it, living or non-living, every thing is connected to the same source, essentially one greater being.
Time to click this: https://youtu.be/8sxqZV_o5Bk
Here I would like to quote a character named celine musing about loves of her past, she is very close to my heart.
She says: "I'm happy you're saying that, because... I mean, I always feel like a freak, because I'm never able to move on like... this! You know. People just have an affair, or even entire relationships... they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have... their own, specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved, because... It hurts too much! Even getting laid! I actually don't do that... I will miss on the other person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. Maybe I'm crazy, but... when I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees, rolling on the sidewalk, or... ants crossing the road, the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk... Little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each of them, that move me, and that I miss, and... will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details. Like I remember the way, your beard has a bit of red in it. And how the sun was making it glow, that... that morning, right before you left. I remember that, and... I missed it! I'm really crazy, right?
I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with… because each person had their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost."
We are enough. We are complete, a complete whole, their are no two halves that will eventually come together, that is not God's way. Two wholes uniting is always better than two proverbial halves. This is not a desperate cry for help, or an attempt for narcissistic self growth, its an opportunity to learn from each other, to grow and also have fun in the process.
This is me giving you an opportunity to get off with a stranger who you met on a train in a foreign land, Someone who has approached you and you two have been talking for a while. Do you get off with him at this random train station and walk around exploring the place on foot or you just want to get off at your station and go home?
To end this letter, I will copy paste one of my favorite poems by Khalil Gibran, he will try and explain the notion of love I adhere to.
Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Higher love: https://youtu.be/_dtnNlAXqSE
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