mezzanine

20 years old personal diary.

[b2ndage]

small intro for this account

this is just a diary. my name is mezzanine or nine. i’m 20 years old. i’m agender so idc what pronouns are used for me. i am blasian — expect to see me say nigga a handful. ❤︎

i have aspd and bipolar, diagnosed. i have other things but this diary is mainly focused on those two bc they affect me the most. i will not filter myself on this account so if you’re easy to upset pls just block me. i have nowhere else to freely express my thoughts and feelings. minors do not follow.

[femme-fatalistic-serial-killer]

Why people always want me to be honest so badly even though they know they will jump me for it?

[peerless-outlaw]

People think that having ASPD means your friendships fully depend on you, but that's not true at all. I mentally rank everyone I ever meet according to my internal hierarchy and that's how I select my friends, so I largely do choose the people I allow to remain in my life. That being said, the way that I care is not the way prosocials care, and not everyone is willing to accept that — it's not enough for a lot of people.

Why? Because I do not care emotionally; I am unable to. I could watch my most important person die and I wouldn't feel anything because I simply can't, even if I tried my hardest. This seems cruel to most people, but that's just who I am and it's not something I can change. However, people would notice that I genuinely do care about those I consider worthy if only they bothered to look a little deeper.

If someone meets my standard and becomes important to me, I will protect them with all I have. I don't care in the sense of feeling some kind of "special emotion" towards them, but I care because I would notice their absence; because I'm willing to let them in a little more than I would others; because the little things I don't even bother acknowledging in other people matter, I remember; because I will pretend for them; because I will try harder to control my anger and my outbursts; because I will partake in their interests despite the crushing boredom and inexistent attachment; because I will listen to their issues even if they don't stir anything in me...

I care, we care. We make efforts greater than a lot of prosocials could even imagine. But we are treated as heartless monsters who don't try and who don't deserve to build connections with others, that's the real problem.

[b2ndage]

i be getting excited to argue 😭

[b2ndage]

mean southern men…. ughhhhhh…… need

[b2ndage]

how does being both bipolar and aspd work? what was your dominant symptoms? did you get diagnosed at the same time or like different times? im just curious if i make you uncomfortable just dni, sorry.

nooo dw i love questions.

i’m actually not sure how it works entirely myself but i got the bipolar diagnosis way before the ASPD diagnosis, during my tweens. dominant symptoms were major depression, and the rapid cycling of hypomania and that major depression. the ASPD diagnosis was received when i was 19 if i recall correctly. my dominant ASPD symptoms are disregard for others and their emotions, constant lying and manipulation (even if it isn’t intentional but most times it is), no guilt and trouble with responsibility. i was absent from school a lot in highschool because of these conditions (although during high school it was still just Oppositional Defiant Disorder).

thank u for asking i’m glad to answer!

[b2ndage]

nothing pisses me off more than someone taking my words so seriously or personally or getting upset with what i said when it was not really a problem. it pisses me off because now i have to deal with it. especially when i literally don’t care. i hate when people make their problems my problem. keep it to yourself at the very least.

[b2ndage]

everytime i think about every ex of mine that still knows my socials is always trying to get my attention, i have to remind myself that those relationships were toxic and that’s why they won’t leave me alone.

[b2ndage]

therapy doesn’t work for me and feels like a waste of time. i feel like talking about my problems or emotions (or lack thereof) doesn’t really do anything. i had to do most of the inner work myself. usual tips or dbt/cbt whatever it’s called doesn’t work for me. radical acceptance works great but after that i had to genuinely do it on my own. i don’t think i’ll ever go into remission (is that even possible for ASPD?) but i have learned to blend in and live in a world that was not made for me. maybe in the next life i will be able to reap the social “benefits.”

[oohsosneaky]

What helped me and continues to help me most is medication. I'm not sure if you're taking anything but I'm on: - Flupentixol 1mg in the morning - Risperidone 2mg in the evening - Strattera 80mg in the morning The antipsychotics actually help with aggressively impulsive boredom. They lower the "noisy void" feeling. I have more range on them, and sleep much better.

Strattera helps with emotional "reality" of the world. It makes things feel more real and makes the "glass" between me and the rest of the world feel thinner. Definitely has to do with improving NE transmission in the brain. I'm going to a new psych and going to ask them about guanfacine, agomelatine, mirtazapine, and clozapine. Each one of them looks like it might actually help a lot for ASPD issues based on how they work. - Guanfacine appears to improve amygdala->vmPFC connectivity. - Agomelatine increases DA and NE levels in the PFC - Mirtazapine increases DA in the PFC - Clozapine helps with negative symptoms of schizophrenia such as anhedonia, avolition and emotional blunting so it MAY work for ASPD I imagine.

[b2ndage]

wait omg, that’s actually really interesting to learn. the only thing i am on is vyvanse at the moment but I didn’t know that there were more options for medication … i will probably ask my doctor about this too! thank you. ^ ^

[b2ndage]

i sometimes think people don’t know the difference between an edgelord and someone that happens to just be very opinionated, when it comes to how people present aspd online. i think making friends with the same disorder as me, and having those trial and error friendships has helped me made the distinction. i don’t know the medical history of people i meet online, so i truly can never tell if they actually have it or not. (however this doesn’t stop me from making mean comments regarding that when i am upset. i usually drop that really quickly, though, because i have better reasons to not like them.)

i was talking about this to a friend that i had recently gotten closer to, we relate to each other a lot and i like that i don’t have to mask much around him because he would know i am lying anyway. i still do sometimes but i’m sure we both are. but there was a previous friend i had, who also had aspd, that seemed to just. use the fact that he had aspd to be annoyingly edgy online, to the point where it was kind of embarrassing to consider him a friend. i did end up just leaving anyway. irish goodbye and everything. but the distinction is easy to make. sorry for this random ramble, the vyvanse is peaking and i can’t really shut up.

although, i won’t lie and say it isn’t entertaining, to an extent. but i enjoy when I see people share thoughts in their head that i would probably relate to. maybe it’s the delivery that is the issue.

[b2ndage]

i’m going to be honest i’m a bit hesitant to even join the online cluster b community or engage with it in full beyond analyzing and learning information because a lot of people in it are only using their disorder as a scapegoat instead of actually trying to help themselves. and i don’t really care whether they do get help for themselves or not, because that has nothing to do with me personally and doesn’t really affect me. it isn’t my life. but it’s still annoying to see misinformation and words being thrown around. especially when it comes to the word “ableist.” i feel like a lot of people throw that word around and call someone ableist because they said something that made them feel bad personally. stating facts with studies backed behind it isn’t ableism. you are just personally hurt. that’s not anyone else’s problem but your own.

actual ableism usually has vitriolic or hateful intent. a lot of people are not using their ability to recognize context as well. if the shoe doesn’t fit it shouldn’t hurt you. i don’t know, being called that has never affected me really because I know I am not ableist and someone calling me that on the internet does not change that.

Maybe I have such a strong opinion on this because I find it frustrating and annoying when the only argument people can make against something is emotive and just sounds like “this makes me feel bad, and i don’t like it, so you shouldn’t say it.”

[b2ndage]

i have been feeling bored and empty for days it feels like i am genuinely dying. it’s hard to keep my reckless tendencies at bay when i feel like this. nothing is curing it either

[morbid-limosis]

sometimes you just gotta look at someone and wish for them to die tortured and mutilated.

[b2ndage]

i don’t know why people expect to be an exception to me not opening up past a surface level about how my brain works and i hate when they take it personally and make it seem like i’m keeping some secret from them. no i won’t fucking tell you that stuff why should i trust you

[b2ndage]

i find it so unfair that my brain is forever fucked up because people treated me horribly when i was just a kid. i envy (and sometimes resent) people that don’t have to live like this, i want to know what it’s like to feel emotions normally and what it’s like to actually care about things

[b2ndage]

i really wish vyvanse didn’t come with jaw clenching. i’m able to function however now my jaw absolutely aches

[b2ndage]

my favourite movie of all time is The Breakfast Club. I barely watch it but that’s what makes it special for me. every time I do, it never gets old .. i really relate to john bender and claire. some of allison but that’s way too personal. in my opinion he’s good aspd representation even if that probably wasn’t the intention behind his character. he gets into a lot of trouble, we get a look into his home life by him talking about it, the way he talks, etc. he’s also very good looking too ^ ^ i relate to claire as a woman, and the thing with her parents. the movie is also just very funny in general