If you're a minor I urge you to read this to take it as a lesson and keep safe.
Rambling about my experiences regarding sex, sexual topics and related things as a teenager in hopes of it helping at least someone else learn from me and stay safer than I did. Mentions of fictional assault and a lot of underage internet sex.
At 13 I ended up engaging in sex roleplays online with people as old as 15, possibly older. At the time I never saw any issue with this. It felt fun !! My Very fresh and new sexual feelings had a way of being satisfied and both parties enjoyed themselves. We talked about our experiences and learned a lot about sex, arousal and more. At the very least we never shared any photos or real content of ourselves. It genuinely felt fine at the time. Nothing felt wrong. But that's a trap. And it took a year or more for us all to realise the affects it had on both parties.
I also used to watch adult shows riddled with sex references and jokes at the time. I also viewed porn on e621 since real stuff felt like too much for me. I was engaging with sex as a topic every single day and touching myself every single night. I was hooked.
Again. It all felt fine at the time. But a year passed. The group chat I made was mostly abandoned and I decided to finally delete it and block everyone. Why ? Mostly due to unrelated things. I also axed those connections because I was mildly horrified at the fact we used to do erps (erotic roleplays) especially considering how I started to realise their edgy jokes were a pipeline into right wing views of minorities but that's another topic.
I was 14 now. I found new, better friends. Safe ones that were older than me and more responsible and reasonable. But I also found others outside of that group which I had erps with. Then I was 15. I looked back at people who were 13 at the time I was 15 and just thought. What the Fuck did those people think. These are Children. Just a 2 year difference but the differences in maturity and mental state were so horrifically drastic. I was sickened by that. And the older I get the more horrified I become at how they didn't realise how young I must've been, or didn't care. At some point I talked to someone who was with me in that situation at the time, roughly the same age. He talked to those people again and noted that they felt guilt, at least. It was comforting knowing they were irresponsible rather than malicious and predatory. But they still damaged me.
At 15 I had multiple people I engaged in erps with. One later became my partner who I recently parted ways with, one was a system with an alter who was a pedophile due their sexual trauma, one was someone I knew from the early erp days and came back and another is my friend to this very day and we still engage in roleplays and conversations about sex sometimes. The system was a deeply unstable collective. They needed therapy and help so badly but couldn't get any yet as they were 14 at the time. The pedophilic alter took a romantic and sexual liking to me because I was in a weird regressed state at the time and my childlikeness was attractive. The person who found me again fell in love with me and became obsessed to an unhealthy degree. I was afraid of losing people due to Other traumas and so I kept clinging to them. I finally parted ways with the system after realising I can't help them, that their romantic interest in me was not appropriate due to it's nature and the fact I am aromantic, the fact that erps we had included topics of assault and just normal physical abuse which wasn't good at all. I parted ways with the person I knew from a few years before meeting again because their interest in me was also romantic and their obsession was deeply unhealthy, to the point they didn't care for my interests and who I was, only the concept of me as a person and my sex/romantic appeal (also turns out they were significantly younger than me at the time but lied about it/hid it. which is just. thanks. now I feel like those 15 year olds that did stuff with Both of us). My ex partner and I split ways because they developed romantic feelings for me and were desperate to engage with me romantically, while I was repulsed by the idea. We just weren't compatible. Plus, many traumas and other stuff we went through which just. couldn't be resolved fully. My current friend was the best out of this group though - we both stayed friends for all these years, they took a break for a while and came back. They are my age and we are both adults now.
Either way. I'm an adult now. I look back at these situations and just think about how easy it was to leave my ex partner when I've been so scared to leave people for so long. It always felt cathartic to hit the bricks with people like this but it was terrifying and brought back awful memories. But like. It was worth it. It Is worth it. I'd rather spend my time with people I value and who value me.
I'm an adult now. I look back at those situations and see myself now. I'm almost certain I'm hypsersexual now because I have a weird euphoria every time I think about sex, even when my body or emotional state is disinterested. I go through a weird cycle where I obsess for a few days to weeks, start to feel burnt out and then finally move on before I inevitably return to obsessing for a good few days or weeks. It functions like a mental addiction I think. It's bad. It doesn't feel good to feel a drive to touch yourself as a habit rather than a need or want.
This obsession also allows my intrusive thoughts to cling to Sexual intrusive thoughts easier. Because sex is a euphoric thing to think about no matter what for me. Even if I am otherwise distressed and very much not aroused by something.
But. I want this to be a lesson for someone. I don't want others going through the same. If you are a minor please take this into account on how you conduct yourself and what or who you engage with.
Sex is addictive on a mental and emotional level - be careful with how and how much you engage with it.
When you're young, you think you know everything because you don't know how much you Don't know. When you get older you realise how everything really affected you and what was messed up.
Be careful engaging with others online or in real life and try to find trustworthy adults (parents, friends, teachers, caretakers, etc) who you can safely discuss these things with. A trusted adult would never engage with you sexually - they listen but they don't touch. They give you genuine advice with reason (not just trying to scare you out of something) and encourage you to keep safe.
If someone doesn't value you, makes you feel stressed constantly, threatens suicide to you repeatedly or more - hit the bricks. Hit the block button. Run away from them. They are Not worth your energy or time. If they are unstable YOU CANNOT HELP THEM. You can at most listen to their vents and give advice but you are not a therapist and are not obligated to stay by their side if it's hurting You as well. You can't help others if you yourself aren't safe and healthy. Respect your own boundaries and demand that others do the same.
If you're gonna engage with others sexually as a minor at Least wait until you're 16. As I said, at the time being anything under 16 it all feels like fun and games but after you grow up you realise it affects your perception of sex and how Weird some of the people you were with were. Just stay safe. You'll have your entire life to explore your sexuality, especially once you're more educated on it and have safe experiences.
Hopefully this reaches the right people. Stay safe all.
