suffering @b4st4rd-420 - Tumblr Blog

looks inside procrastination -> it's anxiety -> looks inside anxiety -> it's fear -> looks inside fear -> it's shame

the random suicide attempt i walked into starts replaying in my head when i try to sleep and i can't make it stop. my body reacts to it, i get a bad feeling in my stomach and my heart starts pounding and it's hard to calm down from that. i just feel like she's falling any moment even though it was 3 weeks ago and i'm not there right now. why can't my body accept that it's over? i didn't stay there watching after the police came but i do think she was succesfully rescued. i kind of wish i did but also i started shaking like crazy after the cops got a grip of her and the situation was off my hands. i don't know for sure if she's alive since there was also an overdose. but she likely is.

i just want to fucking sleep

#sui tw #tw suidice #tw suicidal #tw overdose #my alarm goes off in like 7 hours #i just want to calm down and sleep but i can't because my brain wants to replay the most stressful 15 minutes of my life #and is fixated on “what if she falls”#but she didn't fall #also if she did end up dying that's not my fault #i did everything i could #i just remember the panic so clearly

I feel like I have developed this kind of obsessive disgust for the guy who tried to hit on me and touched me inappopriately because of my previous traumas. I don't like it at all.

We were kind of becoming friends before That happened and then I just slowly decreased all contact and started ingoring him. It feels pretty good knowing that he (hopefully) feels bad about himself. I hope he understands that it's because he touched me.

#I have to see him weekly :/#thankfully he seems to have gotten the message and leaves me alone #i fear confrontation so i just pretend it's not personal when it absolutely is #after the Situation he kept talking to me about gross things and being weird #so I couldn't stand him

I can't sleep and I started thinking about the dude who sa'd me multiple times when I was underage and got away with it.

And how there were adults who saw him touch me clearly without my consent and did nothing. He even bragged to them about raping me and they didn't say or do anything. They saw my reaction, I was humiliated and panicking. None of it was normal. I'm so fucking mad just thinking about it.

#I just want to sleep #I want to make him suffer so bad #he deserves all the bad things possible