Docie

[babyblue-docie]

It’s been so so long since the last time I posted on here so I wanted to be able to share some work I was working on initially. Now that I have more free time I’m hoping to be able to make more time for my art, and my blog.

[babyblue-docie]

So I thought I’d share a little bit of where I’ve been. And what I’ve been up to. Slowly my life has been coming together. Offcourse I have my ups and downs. But that’s just life.

I’m trying to take more control of my health, because I’m tired of feeling sick all the time. I’m definitely learning to give myself more respect and self love, because well I deserve it. I’m learning right now. And it feels pretty good to be on my own right now and just figure it out.

Im taking it day by day, and feeling better with time. I’m just learning whatever life throws my way.

[babyblue-docie]

So it’s been pretty stressful these last few weeks. Sleeping hasn’t been the most comfortable. Given that I’m still currently sleeping on the floor until I can get my bed moved in.

However the apartment is coming along. It sure hasn’t been easy, and really I have just been exhausted.

The thought of not knowing were the relationship with my mom is going moving forward. Makes me a bit nervous. As much as I love her. I feel as though she makes it a constant thing to remind me that she doesn’t care about me. Witch is fine.

It has just been such a weird release. A weird beginning. And just a hard time.

Right now I’m struggling with a headache. And just all the negative thoughts in my head. Just trying to keep it moving. Cause I’m just doing my best.

[babyblue-docie]

So I started my new site today. And moved into my new place. I definitely need a lot of tidying up to do and organizing, but I am taking it one step at a time.

My new site is decent. If anything there is a bit more responsibility, and more work to be done. However I have decided that June will be my last month with the company. Hopefully by then my shop will be up and running.

Unfortunately today out of all days my eczema came back. And it came back with a vengeance. Flared up like no other. All over my upper legs, and all over the right side of my arm. I feel ugly. I sure feel uncomfortable.

It feels like it’s something always constant is happening that is trying to bring me down. Or slow me down.

Although some positive things I can share is that I did get an apartment, and hopefully in a month or two I can have it furnished. And in a week I can bring my cats with me.

I’ve been just doing my best. And right now that’s all I feel I can do. I am making progress, I’m still and always making mistakes. But again I’m trying.

[babyblue-docie]

Wow just wow…..

What a special birthday to me. What a special week honestly truly memorable.

Let’s see where would I even begin. I don’t know what was the most special moment.

Was it the fact the no one remembered my birthday? Hmmmm maybe

Was it when I got let go from my original site at my security guard job due to false accusations? Hmmmmmm that one’s kinda fresh.

OH I KNOW! Or was it when my mom told me how much I make her miserable, and how she doesn’t care about me at all. Hmmmmmm oh yeah.

I’ve been threw a hell week. Moving sites to shorter hours affecting my pay beginning March.

Almost having to sleep in my car in some random parking lot, because I don’t want to see or speak to my mother right now. But thank god I have a real Angel best friend that is letting me get rest at her place.

And to top it all off I don’t know how I’m even keeping it together, because I non stop want to cry. I want to scream. I’m Angry.

Do you hear me??

I AM ANGRY.

I AM TIRED.

But I’m trying I promise I am.

[babyblue-docie]

Happy Birthday to me! 🤍

[babyblue-docie]

Here we go again….

Another rainy day filled with bottled up emotions. Headaches, heartaches, and big waves of sadness. I wonder if it has to do with my birthday coming up tomorrow.

Yupp February 20th

As much as I would love to celebrate it honestly just feels like it’s another day. And really it is. Im not sure why but things never go right around this time of month. And I just don’t remember a birthday when someone genuinely did something for me.

So I am thinking I’m going to rest on this beautiful rainy morning. And then maybe around 1:00pm I’ll start doing some doordashing. And tomorrow I’ll just do something nice for me. I’ve gotten pretty used to just enjoying my own company, although I think it would help not to be so entirely shy when I go out in public. That way I can just go out more. Explore more.

Im stressed and I’m incredibly confused, and lost right now. And right now in this moment I want nothing more than to be left alone. I want space, and time to myself. I want to enjoy my morning as much as possible then work the rest of the day. Then maybe later after midnight I can treat myself to a free breakfast at Dennys.

[babyblue-docie]

Anybody here dealing with an eating disorder raise of hands 🙌🏽

Well mine just started to recently affect me, and gave me a big kick in the but of reality.

Oh and on top of that it was determined that I am depressed. You know they like sit you down and ask you like this list of questions, and as I’m answering them I realize almost how embarrassed I feel.

And I never realized how sick I feel being depressed. Like really? All this from emotions that what I can’t control? Or that I’m not expressing?

I think one thing for sure it hasn’t become that serious. But I know I need to get my health in order. I feel like I need space. I need time for myself to get to know me a little better and get to wear I can eat again, in a healthy way. And most importantly feel happy.

I think my issue is I keep trying to look for the solution in my past when really it’s about moving forward. And that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m gonna try to get rest these next couple of days, since right now I’m fairly in some pain. I just need a couple of days to reset my mind and body for what’s next.

[babyblue-docie]

So for the past few weeks I have really stepped up. Mostly financially at this point I worked really hard and I feel like I’m at a pretty good place. Now tonight although I would like to do some door dashing. I think it’s good to take a break. Just for tonight though. I have successfully been able to get a lot done these last couple of weeks, and most importantly I don’t want to burn myself out for doing all this work.

Besides from that I am getting a pretty bad headache, and it did start to pour outside. Maybe I could take advantage of this time and do a little bit of art. Do something peaceful before I go to bed. What’s important is that I enjoy this time for myself, and then get back to work tomorrow.

I am staying productive, and also reminding myself to slow down. :)

[remanence-of-love]

[babyblue-docie]

So I started my DoorDash shift today at 3:00pm and ended at 4:00am. I can say that today was a success. Again I am proud of myself for being consistent and staying motivated.

I am very great full and fortunate with all the driving that I do that I am safe and sound. That I’m able to exit the screen and make it safely home.

It is now 5:30am I have allready finished my exercise for the morning. I will slowly drift of to sleep intill I wake again for my next shift as a security guard. So in the mean time….

Good morning to you! And Good Night as well! Stay safe, and most importantly keep staying positive. When you can keep calm you can think clearer, stay focused, and do better.

Remember you owe yourself the same respect and love you give to other people. Don’t neglect yourself.

[babyblue-docie]

Being that I have been keeping on track of my routine, habits, and expenses. I feel very proud of myself, and feel as though all ready I have accomplished so much. Although with my busy schedule I have managed to pull through, and feel less frantic, a little less stress, and more importantly more calm.

I’ve decided recently that I want to start up on some new languages. So I’ve taken the time to add Spanish, French, and Japanese. No worries this doesn’t take up to much of my time believe it or not since I study these languages during my main job.

Being a security guard (off course depending by location) I’m fortunate that at my location I’m aloud to be on my phone, read book, be on I pad, or work on studies.Therefore I’m taking the opportunity to study some languages. It keeps me occupied and given that I have two (seven) hour shifts, three (eight) hour shifts, and one (twelve) hour shift time passes by way easier.

So while I continue to wait PATIENTLY for an inspector to call me to finally come, and inspect my salon so I can finally receive my certificate of occupancy that way I can finally move forward to my next steps to open. I’m staying busy, and staying positive.

[babyblue-docie]

So I must share with you guys this insane revelation that I just found out about myself!

As embarrassing as it is. I do feel as though it is important to acknowledge.

So I’ve decided for this year and moving forward I want to keep track of my expenses. The income I’m bringing in, and money being spent. So given that it is all ready the end of the month I have finished my report for January.

And my goodness let me just tell you!

Not only did I come to the realization of how much I was making. I made the shocking, most embarrassing realization of what I was spending majority of my money on!

So without a doubt I have bills. That’s no question ask it is a must and must be taken care of on their due dates before the month is over with.

Therefore tell me why! Absolutely why did I spend a little over…….

$1,600 ON FOOD!

NO not like on groceries. NO ON FOOD that is going out to eat. Going out to eat with friends. Eating fast food, and grabbing something quick from the drive threw.

AM I INSANE?!? How long have I been doing this? Now what is important is that I caught it, and I’m glad I did. I have put whatever wasn’t spent this month in my savings. Witch is not a lot but it’s a start.

Again it’s embarrassing. But at the same time I’m prioritizing. Now I know what needs to be done. I plan on seeing a significant improvement for the month of February!

[resqectable]

“We often want it so badly that we ruin it before it begins. Overthinking. Fantasizing. Imagining. Expecting. Worrying. Doubting. Just let it naturally evolve”

— Unknown

[babyblue-docie]

I know I’m hard on myself, but it’s for a good reason. I have pushed myself these last couple of days and have seen improvements. February now all ready around the corner. Now the second month of the year. I now gather everything that has happen in the last thirty days, and I now begin to organize, strategize, and improvise on what to do next.

Ive made the necessary steps for my occupancy license for my salon. However I’m still at a stand still since now all I need to do is wait for an inspector to reach out and come inspect the place. This is now where my patience is required. So I’ve taken the liberty to use this time on myself. Take care of myself, and off course by still taking care of my priorities.

I’m really proud of myself. Because no matter who or what kicks me down I keep getting back up. I keep fighting for me. Ain’t nobody got my back like I do.

[babyblue-docie]

Letting go doesn’t get any easier.

It’s always the hardest.

Healing takes the longest.

Trust becomes forgettable.

[babyblue-docie]

So I feel like I’m constantly going in a circle. As I’ve been able to stay consistent with some things, I have lacked the discipline to be consistent with major priorities. Although it has helped to write things down more frequently to help me remember I have just reviewed, and analyzed this month of January, and realized that I have put myself at a stand still. And why you may ask? I am still trying to figure that out. I’m constantly getting these huge waves of overwhelming sadness, and put myself in unnecessary predicaments. And I have had enough. I need to stop going backwards when it gets tough, and keep fighting to move forward. Things will get better once I get better. I need to be my biggest supporter, my best friend, and put more faith in myself. I need to get back into my routine and stay in it too see progress. Although it is getting late, and my shift ends in one hour I know that the day is done. While I’ll use what’s left of it to organize and strategize. I’ll be getting more serious tomorrow. No more feeling sorry myself, I will not keep doing this to myself. I will succeed!