[babyimfeelinblue]

Goals

Yoga 3 times a week

Learn to sew

Good sex

Not giving up on myself

Positive affirmations journaling ex: I am worthy. I can do what I set my mind to. I am happy. I deserve good things. Y'know. Idk. Whatever it'll look like it'll be good.

[whimsicalcharmbox]

[babyimfeelinblue]

I'm really struggling with the concept of quitting smoking. I want to so badly, and then I convince myself it's my life to do what I want and enjoy it. And then sometimes I spiral because I'm smoking.

I feel ridiculous. But going "I had a good day, let me smoke and relax" feels like an addiction issue, and it's also annoying that it feels like an addiction issue, because it's my life to enjoy... Life is annoyingly complex in ridiculous ways. Or maybe it's just my brain making it annoyingly difficult to quit being an idiot.

[babyimfeelinblue]

well.

here we are

the universe is testing me.

sam preached about listening to signs. and then the sign became evident. dont do it. do not go back and hurt that man again just because he wants to let me back in and i know hes strong enough to survive me. but he doesnt deserve it.

he found god in ways i never would ever think myself to even want to. he WANTS someone that wants that belief. but he makes me laugh and smile so easily.

but i latched onto someone else so easily, even while living with sam and being cuddly with sam.

i didnt talk to sam. even when he said he really wanted to be the one i word vomit thoughts to.

he pushes. he thinks he pushes in the best ways, the healthiest ways. the ways that will get someone to see their absolute potential if they just listened to him and let him get you there. and that infuriates me. because yes. sam. youre so right. everything you say, probably straight out of a textbook. and yes, so great, if a person just pushes themselves to be that great, because by golly everyone can do it if they just WANT it, then woot! you have made sam so happy.

but FUCK. "do it with me for a year. what results are you going to see other than heathier you, and some really cool adventures and us to take care of each other in a lot of cool ways"

and yeah! what sounds so bad about that! everything does! when its me sitting there saying i want to find my life on my timeline and at my pace and on my terms. and yes i would be awesome if someone was there pushing me to be great, but maybe i dont want someone pushing me to be great.

maybe i chose ryan because he wasnt going to push me to be on another level. he was going to be proud of me for the level im on, and he was going to grow with me on levels (this is all if ryan was actually a supportive person) and if he wasnt, and we couldnt match each other and help each other grow at a pace i can and want and dont want to be peer pressured into because "i know you can do it, you're just making excuses to be slow about growth"

and sure! maybe i am making excuses! but i dont think i want someone coming into my life changing me for the better instead of loving me for who i am. "i do love you, i just want to elevate you. and i will love you if you just keep trying. and whats the worst im asking of you? to come hang out with me at the gym because i want us to spend that time together"

aj sent a text today creating newguy 2.0.

sam seems to hit the nail on the head for that one.

guy who loves me. says all the same things aj says. i will love you forever i just want you happy and i want to see you strive but please come back to me i want it to work.

and i also look at sam and go , but i dont think youre my type. and the sex..?

i want to start over.. with someone i look at and can shoot my shot with and win, because i went "oh, he cute". or i want it to be someone somewhere because he wanted to give me his number and he wasnt someone i wanted to give a fake number.

i dont want to fall back into the arms of someone when im doing this growth for me. and clearly by me misunderstanding ajs text and then being made to understand what he meant and how it clearly means dont hurt someone the ways you ve hurt me. and ive already done that. by telling him i felt things, and then chose someone else

i could tell he was falling in love with me, or rather that he was already deeply in love with me. and it scared the shit out of me. what if i was making a mistake by letting us get that close?

i made it easy. i hurt him quick by letting myself pick someone else and let him off the hook of being mine. and in all fairness....the only reason he left is because he left... i maybe wouldnt have been brave enough to have that conversation. and i would have led him on. i mean. i was. i was just starting to grapple with the idea that i needed to let him go, ,he just was the one who got tot hat conclusion before i could tell him i cant do this to him/with him anymore.

and i surely cant date him now lmaoooo. hes madly in love with me and thinks that could just be us again if i tried. and for me it wouldnt be liek that..... it would literally be us trying dates.. doing date things.. seeing IF that comes back.

and lord knows the two coworkers he confides in and helped get him through me running his heart over with a steamroller would rather see me dead than next to him

and i also already said. many times over. to several people now to set it in stone, that i wouldnt even let him take me back.

and fuck. i am so disappointed hin myself. fro not once looking at sam while i spoke my words. for hiding myself beacuse i was crying. i said so many things i wish i saw his face while i was saying it. its like i always see through people because im always looking away instead of looking at them. and it hurts me because then i disconnect from people .i dont have that connection i desperately want because i keep shutting myself off from it with zero eye contact while im trying to speak. .

and the worst part is...s.omehow im talking myself into sam.. because he makes me smile and laugh like no one else. and the little things we did were always fun. and im sure as shit he would love to go to rock concerts with me and not just orchestra. i was scared because he wanted the finer things in life and i want less than that, and rock shows. and i didnt even give him a chance to show he wanted that too.

and why? because i wanted it so badly when we werent "loving each toher" but the moment it was happening, i completely said byeeeeee this aint it

well. sure as SHIT cannot let any initiation of any conversation happen for a hot fucking while with that one. because lighting even a tiny little fucking spark will blow up in my face by rushing it and not overthinking it until more signs from the universe come to me that staying the fuck away from sam because he deserves someone else and i deserve someone else is the answer.

[babyimfeelinblue]

At first I was kind of worried I was going to be a hoarder of photos of crummy exes because of my love of keeping memories and printed photos, but I just had to sort through the box and i think I'm a handful of healing moments away from burning it all 🥰🥰

[babyimfeelinblue]

I just realized it's taking me months to bit by bit delete him for my photo album. The very same person that told me he was so easily able to delete photos of us. I meant nothing to him why am I holding on so hard to photos that don't mean anything because his smile in them doesn't matter.

[babyimfeelinblue]

i am truly so grateful for my apartment space but ya girl would love to rent house space next year. pleaseeeee pleeaaaasseee universe grant me the ability to find a nice person renting out their basement for cheap 🤞

[babyimfeelinblue]

i'm realizing i no longer have anyone to call when i get to that moment of pure anger, so this is me trying to get something out of my system so i don't send that super annoyed email i was about to send to management where i live! please talk me off a ledge! or just scroll past, thats fine too~my complex sent an offer to renew my lease early and get an incentive, so I did. Except when i got the lease the incentive addendum was blank, and i had a few other questions to deal with within the lease so my brain was partially distracted, but thats not to say i'm not to blame.after a lot of back and forth on some of the lease items we were at the point where i walked away feeling fine because i got answers and she said "the incentive is on there, all is good with your asks." and pals! i could SWEAR! i looked it over and saw it!! but apparently i didnt! because i am sitting here looking at my lease in their portal BECAUSE i've reminded myself i've still paid full price for rent this year... My lease incentive addendum is empty!! nada!!!and its not particularly the first time i've felt promised one thing just for them to turn around and say "per the lease" because when i moved in they tripped me up on rental insurance (which is fine, have to have it, fine) but they swore up and down that my specific lease wouldnt require it, then they charged me it monthly so i had to deal with them removing it for 4 months until they just made it mandatory and went "its mandatory now and per the lease you signed, you have to pay" no big deal. it was the telling me 7 times i would never have to pay just to realize in the lease i signed, they actually had it saying the opposite. So yeah, my bad for not triple checking the lease the first time. But That's why i could swear i triple checked this time!!!I'm hoping and assuming tomorrow it's a non issue and i'll be able to talk to the person who's been helping me and she can get it sorted, but if! by god if!!!! she says "well per the lease you signed" im going to lose my mind.

[babyimfeelinblue]

im proud of me for blocking him. and for him taking that as an opportunity to block me on his FB because me blocking him on other forms of contact, means to him that i deserve not to check up on him in the only way i would be able to.

and i think that honestly makes it easier.

the first week i would struggle, i would hope that he would unblock me and then id get lucky and catch it, because id have to be unblocked for 48 hours and id get the chance to see thst maybe he was thinking of me and wasnt entirely crazy to block me from his life. but each time id fight myself wanting to check and id check and see that he genuinely was just using me as a pawn in his narcissism, i stopped caring as much and things without him have been quiet. peaceful.

he used to say he didnt want any female in his life disturbing his peace. i realize now that that was the most subtle foreshadowing for his relationships. oof

[babyimfeelinblue]

love is confusing.

ive had a few great guys in my life.

i get tripped up on how im not in love with them.

is it because im unattracted to them? what deems a person capable of saying "i could love you a lot and we could be so happy but youre not cute enough"

how are there people who go into HS and leave with a someone they marry? online relationships that bloom and thrive?

what part of me is so weirdly incapable of accepting the love the guys ive known want to give me?

[babyimfeelinblue]

a dozen thoughts that swim around, might as well get them out.

being single is weird sometimes. it will just randomly hit, spiralings of random weird thoughts and feelings

im alone. all of what i do now is alone. what is the purpose of life even supposed to be? human blob doing human blob things, the world falls apart around us, humans are killed because of dictatorships, and yet, humans continue to live, smiles on their faces, travel in their dreams or on the horizon. am i really supposed to be sittin here, doing nothing? scared to do something? content with inaction? even if im doing the actions for me, what the fuck is life when we cant enjoy it the ways we are supposed to because fkn politics has ruined us.

love is weird. the act of loving someone enough to wanting it to become marriage. marriage is love. endless support and understanding and communication and friendship. but marriage and love im pretty sure are also supposed to be desire and affections and sex.

my ex husband and i could have such a great life together it feels like. i went over there last night and it was nearly almost how it felt before i even left. . helping to cook, smoke, banter. the way we understand each other for the most part, and learned to do the dance around each other to coexist. but that wasnt enough, because marriage is also supposed to come with a closeness, an affection of kissing and having sex and being intimate that made me cringe with him, but would excite me if it was one of the other men i was entertaining for a while.

i know marriage is what you make of it, so we could have been happy, had we agreed to it. but am i denying myself (and by default putting someone else through it too) a life without sex just because im convinced my body actually doesnt want/need sex..? even when i got comfy with my exbf it was easy to forget sex was a thing, but the moment him and i would kiss it was game over, sex yes pls. so maybe it was fine, and okay to be in a sexless marriage that was very much based on the comfort and the way we would provide for each other.. but is there a part of life where i could have both..? great sex and a great partner.? and WHY cant my personality be such that of a persons that is good enough to say "he might not be my type anymore, but i still love him and get wet for him and want to fuck his brains out BECAUSE OF the way he loves me and deserves to be fucked silly"

i thought i had something good with my exbf. good sex. potential for good life on other paths too. so, i guess its not to say that the best of all paths merging into one isnt out there for me.. it just feels impossible to find? will someone be a truly great person, but will also be the apple of my eye enough for me to always want sex with them? always want the closeness of kissing and touching. or will it end up exactly like my exhusband? will my affections waver nd my sex drive disappear and im back to well, i feel like we're really good roommates but again, i lost the attractions along the way.

and i think the worst part for me if i dig deep enough in my own shit, is i want to be, and think i am???? but apparently im not..... i am shallow, but i thought i was and could be the person who can say "theyre cute. but their personality is what makes me fuck their brains out" thats what i lost with my exhusband, and it went from sex to cringe. and i didnt want a marriage to be sexless and physically affectionless entirely, i mean, we didnt even kiss. it was constantly and nearly always and only air kisses it felt like at the end.

he would have been okay with that though. he would say. but.. marriage doesnt go from fun to immediately in set routine and no sex.. i think we both needed to work out of any funks and slumps and mental cages we were in, and we needed to do them together and grow and bloom differently, but we never managed to realize and then get there.

relationships and friendships and life are just fucking hard and confusing.

i fucked up. i did stupid shit. i was a shit fucking person. a terrible person who deseved no love from my exhusband. so i ran. i did what i was supposed to do and because i couldnt stop being shit, i divorced him so i could live my life my way with zero repercussions on my "behalf" because i was no longer dedicated to wifey duties. which in turn shut down my decent human duties too. and by shut down, i mean, shut down, pushed down, and even pushed aside simply because i was focused on the cute face in front of me, or the bowl of weed keeping my thoughts strictly on nothing.

even now, having just smoked, none of these thoughts are comign easy. or even coming at all it feels like. my brain is now just a fucking stone of nothingness. but when im finally free and my head is clear of the fog, im able to think about life as its supposed to be thought about again.

and then when i think about it, im just really confused on life.

what my purpose is. how im supposed to make it feel like im living a good, valuable, meaningful life that doesnt end in "im literslly just a blob, it doesnt matter how hard i try or what i accomplish, life is just a blip on the universe"

i think about my exs a lot. well. not a lot. but i think about them . the things that sucked, the things i learned, the things i decided i dont like. realizing that if i come face to face with those things again, i have to be stronger to walk away when i know i dont want it.

"people break up over whatever they want. you dont have to have a reason to break up with someone" i saw that as a comment to a post about if someone should break up with their bf for a "stupid" reason and its stuck with me. gives me random reminders to stay strong and courageous and that i dont have to settle for anything, even if its pee on the bathroom floor and tooth floss mess all over the bathroom mirror, no matter how many times i ask that someone have a little care.

but then i also think about my marriage a lot. and how it was exactly what i wanted, what a person could ever want. and i walked away from it because thats all i wanted. my freedom. space. life back. and now i look at my life and im so confused on what im supposed to make of it. if all of this is just for me to sit at home and do nothing with my life..? waste away behind closed curtains..? cant even get off my ass and go "fuck bad people" with the other thousands of people out there doing that and defending our country and its morals right now. two common things right there........ fear. inaction.

fear and anxiety of doing soemthing new. just gotta do it. because once ive done the new thing, theres no more fear of the unknown. it just then becomes action i take. and im good at being in action when i have the confidence to take action. (being stubborn and hardheaded and being a bull in a china shop are things i have to work on, and am trying to work on)

my weed is wearing off so now thoughts are just coming at me a lot of small ways

i guess when im bored its simply just...do. find the thing i should do/want to do next and do it.

right now my should list really only has real estate study and be a good person on it

i dont need money to contribute to being a really good person in support of my community though, so now i just also need to find ways to fill my time, pr***sting or volunteering a multitude of other ways right now. i just need to take fuckin action.

last week i donated money for rent assistance. did my bills for the next couple of months, and have no idea how im going to bail myself out if i need money now. because my savings will be depleted from life insurance payments, taxes if i owe. and honestly, i got 13k in debts, so. $300 per paycheck going to debt aint really cutting it much. especially since i also have to be replenishing my savings account JUST to deplete it again next year when money for my super cool retirement comes around to being due. would love to live my life now without concern about these debts! so, the fucking retirement funds better be worth it!!! i did manage to move half of my debt to a new account that wont charge interest for another year. so. im at least on some right path trying to dig out. its just fucking appalling. im fuckign sick of it. and whats the solution? get rich, die trying, or move to another country and start over as an immigrant. and believe me, for as romantic and idealized as option 3 sounds, the fuckin nitty gritty aspect of moving to a new country while our dictatorships ruins our existence, ha. i think maybe my exhusband and i should have really tried harder to get out when i wanted to.. but no one wanted to like i did. so. if im the only one trying. guess its not fucking happening.

people used to get married out of convenience or necessity or family desires all of the time. grandparents married because of arranged marriages. 10 kids deep and people look at them and go "they did everything for each other" .. were those really arranged marriages or is that actually a part of the percentage of marriages who were found out of love? not that any of that matters i guess. you just never really hear about the miserable aspects of the arranged marriages, only that they ever happened. are we supposed to assume they are the relationships that ended great? or are they relationships kept hush because everyone was miserable? is there comfort in having a marriage based on convenience and feeling like the person is your only safe space instead of also having heart pounding palpitations and wet puddles when you see them?

it makes me sad. maybe if i was surrounded by good marriages and saw good things in adults more, maybe id feel so much less confused. but whatever. i dont think my parents having been split up would have made anything better, i already feel like my parents could have opted out of not having kids and would be just fine. but my mom wanted us. it only gets confusing when i look back and feel like she may have wanted us, but i dont know how she was a top tier parent when it feels like i never had anyone on my side. no one asking me questions about me, getting me to talk, caring about my curiosities and fueling them to grow into passions. i was just birthed and then tossed into existence without growth and learning and a whole other level of grand love and knowledge shared. she loved me how she knew to, and i cant fault here for that. it just maybe is no wonder why i almost feel better being alone and why i struggle to make things more or less about me, avoiding conversations that linger on me for too long, etc.

[babyimfeelinblue]

1/12/26

I have a lot of thoughts that just keep randomly swimming but theres not much purpose to writing them down

One is a letter to aj

One is a letter to sam

Both are letters i should probably write and burn 

The narcissism book im listening to is helping me somehow - realize that im not a bad person, im just maybe a hard around the edges person, and since i dont want to be that person, i can change, and i will change

If i dont want to be a narcissist, and im not, then i just have to stop being inactive.

My inactivity and overthinking -on top of the anger that is the cherry on top the cake when fighting- , all of those things paint me in a bad light, and im not a bad person.. I just let the silence and the anger within me get the very best of me and then all people are seeing is what im presenting, lack of sunshine, lack of empathy and sincerity unless it benefits me.

If im sunshine, i will radiate that sunshine all of the time, and not just during my selective times

Remember jenna from mcdonalds in bloomington? How she was always so fkn happy. Maybe her family just taught her happiness, kindness, gratitude. Maybe they were a part of some buddhism practice and she and her family were always just happy with life and loving it

Sam - well. Idk man. Its been a year. He wont even look at me. Theres really no reason to bring up the past. 

My letter to him would probably tread lightly but start with “i like how we are no contact, i prefer not to break that and set myself back in life while i work on myself. Sorry i coudlnt love you while it felt like you wanted to control me under the guise of “helping me find myself”.” And its not like he was doing me a disservice, i bet i would have came out on top a bit if i was doing regular yoga and cooking more. But i digress . toss in $75 because at the same time im telling him sorry for not loving you, im also telling him thanks for the gifts he gave me that im not going to give back unless he wants them (pls dont want the pot holders back cus i sold them ://////////// which, OKAY YEAH PROABBLY PRETTY MEAN, i have a lot of personal growth im working on….)

Aj is his own can of worms - apology on top of apology. 

Me asking for no contact was my last straw. How else am i going to stop the fighting?? I was overwhelmed. I need to work on not being angry and easy to set off when im “overwhelmed”. And the anger inside me that im able to set off and set free through arguments, i need to find other ways to let it out. Through good communication -and a punching bag maybe-

No contact to save face because everytime we argue he brings up 7 years of anger and hurt and things that have festered into spite. 

Dont even get me started on how id start that letter - honestly. 700 erased beginnings later and id still probably start it off with “idk what to say other than a million sorrys to begin” 

But. 2026. 

The year im not going to keep presenting myself as a narcissist. I will not stay silent in all the worst ways, and speak up in all of the worst ways. 

Im going to create a new peace for myself. Boundaries. Happiness. Peace. Kindness. Respect for myself and the others around me that i get sassy with because people suck and everhyone is stuipd.

Unfortuantely, i am also just a stupid human. I do not deserve more than others, i am not entitled to more than others. My little sassy outburst that i calm myself down from when im finally like “it is what it is” could just start as “it is what it is” instead of starting with a silly little outburst.

[babyimfeelinblue]

what is all im good at in life is wanting love and to be loved and im not even good at either of those?

skills of a child, hobbies of someone who cant finish anything, no real friendships, a marriage i ran from, and an exbf i wish i could say lets start over to, but i cant because for as much as i was at fault, all i can think about is the threats of "im going to tell eveeerryyyyyone everything" . and who knows what he tells people. we left on fighting terms after he committed to thinking he caught me cheating on him in june/july bc of a tweet about the person before him.

i guess thats why thoughts should just stay thoughts..

but the longer im single, means ill just get more and more used to loving myself right? skills will get better. hobbies will become something that actually fulfill me, and i finish them.

but i miss him.. why though.. dumb.

i dont miss him, i miss the idea of our future together. i miss the sex. i miss all of the other good things, no matter how small they were. i didnt think the size of the love mattered if we learned to grow the love.

my ex husband and i still fight. still can never get it right. we should probably just talk on the phone...like hes been saying..but its hard to want to call just to argue with someone i divorced last year.. .idk. i dont mean to argue.. but its typically my fault because i act like im taking the high road but then my communication turns to shit and is probably just hardheaded and cunty instead of straightforward with me doing my best to explain things away. but who tf are we kidding.. maybe me and all of my words is the problem.

i wish we could just start over.. no social media. no phones to connect us 24/7 the way they do. we probably always had a failed relationship, probably because of me and my brain i guess.. how its still somehow tied to the internet being relevant to my life, whether it be as my vent box or my make $7 here and there downfall. if i didnt leave him out in the dark so much ,maybe we would have survived it.. if i didnt have to explain why i even had the accounts, there never would have been that part of me/us for to get lost in a fight in. definitely wouldnt have ended with him accusing me of cheating and thinking he genuinely has proof.

im not great at communicating.. i know.. i think back and i wish i could unsay things i know continued the fights or spirals. sure maybe they felt good to be angry in the moment, and i dont feel like im missing a whole lot since i was met with the threats of exposure i was met with, etc., but i still cant help but wonder how much of that would never have surfaced if there was never a reason for it to.. would we have made it to a safe and secure spot in a relationship so at any point he wouldnt feel like he won big with somehow catching me cheating? would we have been able to be healthy enough if it was never an issue in the beginning, kind of thing, idk..

i wish the best for him.. i wish i was the best for him.. but im not sure he was even the best for me.. idk..

as for my exhusband.. fuck theres just under 10 years of history there. hurt. love. lies. pain. everything. nearly any time we talk we teeter on a fight, and usually its my fault because i respond and choose the aggressive and argumentative side of myself to win. i wish it wouldnt. i wish i could give more people grace. i was driving earlier and had i cheesy tattoo idea i wish could be a non permanent but momentarily permanent tattoo on the thick of my thumb/palm. grace and,, the other one will come to me it wasnt something super lame and cheesy like peace, but it was definitely something about how i should watch my reaction.

talking to my ex husband makes me feel guilty because of, well fucking everything obviously. his kindness. his love. him when he tells me he wants to byebye. hes so kind. he just wants to care for me and make sure im taken care of, i on the other hand would let myself wither away with ramen and ravioli as all ive been eating. so idk why i push away the person who wants to care about me... but i do. i try to push the past where it belongs so i can think im becoming a better person and doing things better and differently now. if i just sweep my past under the rug and make it so he cant keep attacking me with his hurt, then he cant keep hurting me because hes hurting, and if theres nothing for me to repsond to negatively, then theres no fighting. even when im not trying to be argumentative, he knows me well enough and reads my messages how he wants to, we are going to fight. theres no point in pretending we dont BOTH put hate and sass into the ways we read the messages from each other. i get cranky when he texts me innocently and he does the same when i text him. but maybe the problem is also how i think im being innocent when maybe im not..

it would be nice to get better at this communication thing..

no more anger, no more thinking people are against me, no more responding to fight and cause more fight and anger. no more no more no more. no anger. no fights. no more of me being argumentative. now wouldnt that be a treat..

how do people not argue.. i do. i dont know why i do. sometimes it probably really is the problem..

but i also feel like the guys in my life have gotten really good at putting the blame entirely on me and my reaction being that of anger.. maybe i do react poorly, but was there ever anything done on their side to realize they are also the problem.. or was it always just me trying my best to see how poorly my communication is and try to fix it johnny on the spot like.

my ex husband has been hurting for the last year, and i cant reallt blame him obviously.. ha.......... i caused it, no shit.

i didnt know what our split would be like. i guess it was foolish, and selfish of me, to want it to be clean. i wanted it to be us splitting up and living our lives, no kindnesses attached. but he kept doing it. and what was i supposed to say....!!? how does anyone know the right things to say.. maybe if i didnt prolong the hurt and ignore messages an leave him without whatever closure he feels he might still need if its closure he needs.

i wanted a divorce.. i know i told him we could still be friends. but what the fuck is someone that asking for a divorce going to say when theyre the ones breaking the heart of someone who just wants it to work?? fuck.. i didnt know i should have been more blunt, more of a bitch. more coldhearted and told him it wont happen. i didnt know. i just wanted to run away from it. i didnt think far enough and when i was faced with the person asking for answers, i still ran, ignored.

but regardless... i feel like maybe they use my anger against me.. provoke it and then say in the problem for reacting with frustration and anger.. but it is true that the way i word things, the way i speak and say things, is not ideal.. ryan may have been vague and confusing in his own way but typically i was just "cunt" and not the cute type. not the evil villain gets the guy type cunt. because clearly i dont want the asshole type guy...

im aggressive and abrasive in literally all of the wrong ways. its annoying and unflattering. shit sucks. how do i change.. how will i get better.. i hope i can grow and be better.

what even is the point of life..

[babyimfeelinblue]

not really enjoying today i suppose

in a headspace of discomfort for sure

ended my marriage and was super shitty as a person and wife during it. fuck. i am not great. i was not great, at least. i dont want to be like that anymore

i bounce from missing ryan and wanting to go back to him and reminding myself that no, i will not because it sucks when we do go back to each other. but then what if.. what if he texted me and asked me to talk. do i ignore it? do i be an adult and talk? what do we even say? i fear id be weak and let us back to being us, because i miss him and id like to make it work and parts of my mind wander to "mental health in people sucks, i cant fault him for that, and i can certainly be there while he goes through it and comes out better on the other side.. why give up on someone when i see potent-" but then.... potential? where? he didnt even apolgize for the shouting at me he did on our last fight, he basically i think said something like "i was doing it because you deserve to be accountable and if thats what its going to take. i think its fine i did it"

its nice to not to have to talk to anyone. to answer to anyone. to not really be on social media, okay..well.. i still do the annoying scrolling and check my phone too much. but. i think slowly im getting better.. i remind myself to get off of it more often. and sunday was a day where i only used it for oh jeez. half an hour? an hour? i kept it in my room most of the day.

in my marriage i was already prowling. fuck. gross. ugh. why was i that way............................. so the end of one relationship just opened the can of worms of relationshipping. granted i didnt quite get very far. which, yknow, is probably actually for the better and its just fine with me. because i see those posts on FB about people getting ghosted and unmatched as the guy sends a "15 minutes away" to the first meetup, or what hot messes they ended up with, and i think its best i got stuck with the lessons i got. because now im just gonna be single and figure myself out. and maybe, hopefully, something healthy shows up down the road.

i knew i was kidding myself when i got out of a marriage and found 2 great guys. i mean, i knew there was going to be something off about ryan and me, i just hoped and kind of thought it would figure itself out and we would be able to work through the things, instead of whatever we ended up doing. ... to be so volatile at the end (on my end)

its super uncool i did those things. i should have let myself walk away earlier to save face. but instead i embarrassed myself and overlooked those moments where he got mad at me because i joked about him not getting a key in the hole or the day he took us home from an art fair we were just pulling up to, because i didnt do my best to help him find a parking spot? even though i did suggest going back the way we came (we drove through a roundabout mind you, so he ignored my idea). and admitted to deciding for us that because i was clearly miserable, he decided to take us home. and then he sat in my apartment and ignored me all day. i didnt even get my own peace and space. and he didnt give a damn about me. if i was in such discomfort he took me home, you wouldnt have ever guessed it, because not once did he ask me if i needed anything or how i was doing.

some people might be like "of course you cracked" but i feel like i was always weak and doing wrong somehow, so i deserved some of it. but to be shouting at him where im shout clap shout clapping in a strangers house. i should have been better. not reacted. because ryan is always fuckin calm, cool, chill. why does my blood fuckign boil over. it just sucks because it felt like we never got the beginning of a conversation that would have been healthy right, and it always without fail spiraled so badly. but why did it always have to spiral to me being a liar and a cheater, idk. i deserve it based on my past, i know. but at the same time.. i genuinely never did anything to make him quesiton or worry, but it felt like he was always tempted to find reason to fight.

subtle reminders i dont miss him. love it. maybe a list of things he has done to me would be a good exercise. the more i write about the angry stuff i remember why im staying away. ..but then saying something like that reminds me he might have moments like this too, where he feels like i was the problem because from his persepctive i genuinely was. like. fuck. rollercoaster of bullshit in my head for sure. and thats part why i end up going back. cus i end up convincing myself i also need to work on myself. but then i get hit with something small from him that escalates to something big. and who knows whose fault it is anymore. both. maybe. i probably assume and read between the lines a little too much. and he is fucking shitty at texting so it makes sense. who knows if any of its purposeful anymore or if he genuinely means no harm most of the time.

but i guess if you meant no harm, youd toss an apology on a card that came with flowers? or text an apology once within the week of us not speaking? or leave a VM apologizing??? does he not leave VMs bc how sucky he is is recorded? idk why the mf cant leave a VM.

anyway. l o l . with how frustrated he makes me.........clearly we got issues.

ive been a hot fucking mess a lot of the years.. i wish i could take back so much of it.. all it did was lead me here. and is here really that great right now? i gave up a relationship i could fix to be a pieve of trash i wish i never was lol.

but. i dont look at my exhusband and see him as someone i want to be with or miss, i guess? idk. it makes me sound mean and crazy for saying it.. how could i marry someone i now look at and dont go "woah, i want him. between my legs. as my person. all of it"

the idea of self reflecting used to be easier, when there wasnt the cheating involved. now i have to look back and any decent memory i can scrape up is tainted by ymy own endless guilt for being a cheater for a majority of my marriage. and i know he just wants to "forgive" which is basically just "lets move past it please come back to me"

and wed do it differently this time. dating. honesty. so much communication. but i also know i already think back at the memory of how we didnt kiss much anymore because i didnt want to anymore..

hes not a bad person. he just shouldnt have been my person.. i fucked that up and now here we are. who knows where else id be though. i was just a kid. i would have gone back to my moms and figured it out. falling at the attention from a guy. im finally not doing that and realizing how exhausting and embarrassing ive been. just be me. and be by myself. single. alone. thriving. or trying. yknow.

i dont know who to be or what to do most days. i feel like i still have to answer to so many people because im a bad person if i dont. and like, first of all, why wouldnt i give my ex husband my time/attention. so ofc im a bad person?? but then i look at my phone and sometimes its like "fuck. what am i expecting. ex husband. ex bf. subs off of twit." like. im always in some conversation or worried if i pick up my phone its going to be multiple messages from men i just want to be left alone by (granted, thats my big fuckin head talkin because im typically left alone at this point. my phones about to be a paperweight, if id stop doom scrolling), and i dont even like talking to people? what am i doin here. itll be nice when some of my thoughts finally turn off and i can stop caring about about my phone and i can finally stop overthinking things because theyve been thought about so much i thought them to death.

this morning i woke up a happy person. but immediately shattered that illusion by getting feisty and stubborn and grumpy.

how do i turn that off? i obviously dont want to be that person.. being happy is fun... but then i get to work, and do u understand the people i have to sit next to......... i lose my mind having to listen to him, so i have to remind myself to be nice because being a good person is better than being the girl who doesnt talk to anyone and has turned into a bitch because she wont speak even though people tried.

which just fucking segues me into "i probably didnt have to take "your responses have been lame lately so personally" and then i start to wonder how much i hurt the relationship while he was just doing his best. was it his best or was be being toxic? does it even matter if im the one who gets to decide what i want to put up with.. if hes willing to put up with what apparently makes him so fkn miserable (except put up with it is very loosely used id like to remind myself cus uhhhh sweetie........what was he willingly putting up with. if he was miserable i was somehow miserable) anyway. his loss. right?

aside from all of my loses, and they cant even be loses when i asked for and created them. but i can still grieve them and dislike the fucking mess i was.

i think for work i need a pump me up song or playlist. because i shant go into work and be miserable before i even sit in the chair. if i ask about other people, ill stop worrying only about my thoughts, yknooooowwwwww.

i just have to remind myself to be that good person i want to be......and not the sad bump ona log always at her own pity party.

well. i dont know if this accomplished anything, other than killed an hour of my time and managed to get the thoughts i was going to think about for the hour anyway. hopefully it helps the thoughts stay at bay now that theyve been thought out.

i do feel a little better. i do have to remember that. this does feel therapeutic, i really needed to get that shit out of my head and off of my chest and shoulders. baby steps.

[babyimfeelinblue]

I don't really know what to say about my ex-husband actually I probably know exactly what to say. He's driving me insane. He's making me so fucking anxious and annoyed right now because now I have to respond to a text message and neither apparently suck it up and go to his fucking house and be his friend because apparently he's just not going to fucking leave me alone or I just have to be nice and tell him no thank you. Although I don't even know why he feels like he even has to offer me frozen fucking hot chocolate from Kansas City left outside so I don't even have to see him. Why go out of your way to ask if I need hot chocolate that I have to go out of my way 20 minutes to pick up outside of a house.

And I get it apparently he's never going to get over the heartbreak over the end of our marriage but it's been a fucking year at some point I thought maybe I wouldn't have to worry about the text messages where he's going dark.

I know he's just being nice, But why.

Why do I now have to be the bad guy who either says yes of course please leave it outside so I don't have to see you. Or he's trying to corner me in to seeing him to pick up hot chocolate. Or I also have to say no. And then it's like what's the harm in fucking hot chocolate Why am I saying no to hot chocolate? Why can't I accept his peace offering of fucking hot chocolate?

So I just sit here in this fucking loop of why the fuck did you even ask me that so now I don't know how to respond because either way I'm the bad guy or I'm doing something I don't want to do by hanging out with my ex-husband even though I divorced him.

He's already fucking spiraling, and now I get to be the person who keeps telling him no. Like. FUCK.

[reihunt]

[babyimfeelinblue]

Oct 14. 2025

"Im going to call because I care"

He says -to try to manipulate-

He says .......Because he cares?

But does he care why he keeps being hung up on?

Does he want to get to the point

Or is it just another hr of him going in circles

About how I don't -love him right- -do things his way- -care- say the right things for him

Our relationship started with cumming and sunset pics

Where TF did any of that go

What is he even fighting about

What the heck does he keep going on about

Why can't he get drunk and wonder what shade of night the night sky is

Why does he get the angry, fucking annoying type when he drinks

"3 days. You've been weird for 3 days"

..

Another thing I can fully expect him to say. Repeatable statement.

All he does is say the same things all the time but if I ever go "what are you talking about? " He loses his mind I repeat myself, instead of actually make his bullshit make sense

I can't even breathe without it being wrong

And now I fully expect he's at the sad part of the drinking where he's going but what's did I do wrong I tried so hard I asked what you wanted to talk about why was that wrong

As if we didn't just talk on the phone and he had stuff to say about me not responding the way he wants to his texts and other shit we didn't need to talk about.

But sure. He tried super hard. And now he's going to play that card super hard. I'm not sure what he's done to try through actually, or what he even means whenever he's always saying "oh well, I tried, can't say the same about you"

Like ....? What did you try...? And what did I not try....?

And how are we 6 months in and miserable?

And how did I let it get this far whenhe wAs already treating me like shit the first week of May and saying he hasn't had fun with me in weeks a few weeks later in a fight

Like.

He's done everything to make me small. I'm done.