Lounging, or as best I can lounge out on the porch on a snowy winter day, I watch him running around and playing in the snow.
At first we was jumping and belly flopping on the deeper, soft snowbanks, but now heâs digging a tunnel or maybe building a fort.
âHey, baby,â I call out, setting my hot chocolate on the patio table, âcan we do a diaper check? Come up on the porch.â
He looks at me poutily. âNoo,â he whines as he walks up the stairs, gloved hand brushing the snow off the railing. âI wanna keep playing.â
âCome here, weâll be fast.â I take off his coat and unbuckle the straps of his snow bibs, pulling his pants down. I pat the front and back of his pull-up. âAll good. Aww. Youâre so good at staying dry.â
He looks really pleased in spite of how much he was pouting a minute ago, smiling shyly into his shoulder.
âAre your cheeks just flushed from the cold,â I ask, pulling his bibs back up and buckling the straps, âor are you blushing a little?â
âIâm not blushing, Mommy! Iâm just cold because youâre checking me out in the snow and not in the house where itâs warm.â
âIâm sorry, bud. I thought you were having so much fun that you wanted to stay outside.â I give his butt another pat and help him into his coat again.
He trots down the stairs again, snow crunching under his feet, and I watch him wander off where the tree branches are low over the snow, brushing the powder on the surface of the banks.
He glanced back at me and I pick up my hot chocolate again, looking away, up at the mountains.
Under the trees, heâs noticing that his bladder feels kind of heavy. He thought it was happening during the check but he wasnât sure. It had just been a little inkling of a feeling then but now it feels heavy and prickly. He glances back over his shoulder. She isnât looking at me anymore, he thinks to himself. I wonder if I can make it back to the porch without going in my pants.
But that would be soo embarrassing after he showed her that he was dry and she told him what a good job he was doing. He picks off a sprig of pine needles and folds them between his gloved fingers. His snow pants feel so good and soft.
Instead of going back to the porch he keeps wandering under the trees, hoping that the feeling will go away. But then he squats down to look at little bird tracks and definitely feels a tiny leak in his pull-up.
She probably wonât notice that, he thinks. Itâll get soaked up by my pull-up and my pants. And I can hold the rest of it for sure.
But then he grimaces with discomfort as he realizes that thereâs another, even heavier, feeling pressing against his bottom. Thatâs right, he hasnât gone poop at all yet today.
He digs himself a little hollow in the snow and sits down. Not helpful. Another big leak of pee soaks into his pull-up and he puts his hand between his legs, holding himself. NooâŠoh noâŠhe stands up quickly. Also a mistake. A little poop is definitely coming out. Itâs really soft and heâs not sure he can stop it. He cups his hand on the back of his snow pants. Maybe she wonât notice at all, he thinks. Maybe itâll all soak into my pants and IâllâŠ
That definitely isnât going to work for poop. Why didnât he try going earlier?
Donât poop, donât poop, donât⊠He tromps through the snow. But then he can feel that more really needs to come out and stops, knees bending voluntarily. Has the pee soaked all the through his pull-up? It must be soaking into his pants, now, the way his thighs feel all warm. And even more poop is pushing out of him, filling up the seat.
âMom!!â he cries out, running up the steps to the porch.
I set down my mug again. âUh-huh?â
But he just stands there quietly, fidgeting with the Velcro on his glove.
âDo you have something to tell me, bud?â
âNo. Never mind.â And he turns and slowly goes down the stairs again. Uh-oh. Heâs totally waddling a little bit. Iâll wait for him to decide when he needs to tell me that he had an accident.
I watch him start to make his house again, but heâs clearly distracted. I look back out at the mountains.
Maybe weâll go skiing tomorrowâŠI hear a little crunch in front of me and look up again.
âWhatâs up, buddy? Are you gonna tell me this time?â
âI had kind of an accident in my pantsâŠmaybe. I think maybe.â
âWhich kind of accident? Can you cooperate and help me get your coat off?â
He lets me take it off, wiping his eyes.
âLetâs go inside. This check might take a little longer and you donât want to get cold, huh?â
âUh-uh.â He shakes his head, wiping his nose with his glove.
The door creaks as I open it and I usher him onto the tile next to the warm stove. I undo his buckles and slowly pull off his snow pants.
Are his pants wet under the bibs? Oh, yes they are. âDid you just go pee-pee or did you poop, too?â
âI think I went poop a little bitâŠâ
I spin him around. âThat isnât a little bit, baby. You had an accident. Itâs okay. Aww!! Itâs okay. You donât need to be so shy. This happens all the time, remember? Weâre used to it. Ohh, baby.â
Heâs starting to cry a lot, little gasps catching in his throat and I wrap him up in my arms, squeezing him tight and giving him little kisses on his head. âLetâs get your boots off so your snow pants can come all the way off. We canât play in the snow for a little while. These are dirty laundry now for sure.â
He still looks sad. âIs that okay? Ohh, youâre okay. Here, Mommyâs going to wipe your eyes.â
I take him to the bathroom and he starts taking his pants off. I get him a couple tissues and wipe his eyes and his runny nose. âCome here and let me help you with your yucky pants.â
âThank youâŠIâm sorry. Oh no. Itâs so much. Iâm sorry. I didnât know I needed to poop until it was already coming out.â
âItâs okay! I donât know why youâre so upset. You pooped in undies yesterday, remember? And that was okay and we cleaned you up and got you in pull-ups for today.â
He sobs a little again and I squeeze him close. âIâm going to need you to lie down, okay, bud? Letâs get a couple towels and your mat.â
âI didnât mean to go poop. I started peeing and then poop came out too.â
âDid you mean to go pee? I know you kind of like going in your snow pantsâŠâ
âNo!! Youâre teasing me!!â
Heâs kind of resistant to lying down and I have to push him and pin his arms over his head. Once heâs settled I rip open the sides of his pull-up.
âDo you think you deserve another pull-up?â I donât wait for him to answer. âNo, I think itâs about time for a diaper. It was only a matter of time before you had a big accident like this.â
I pull down the front of his pull-up and he covers his face with his arms.
âWhat? Are you embarrassed about me seeing your poop? Aww, still?â
He nods his head vigorously up and down.
I gently get the pull-up out from under his hips and set it aside. âYou got mess all over. Wow. How did you do that?â
âI sat down in the snow. I wanted to forget I pooped so I was acting like it didnât happen.â
âYou canât expect it to change if you pretend it didnât happen!â I lean up to kiss him again. âYouâre so silly! Letâs get the water running so you can shower.â
âAre you going to help me?â
âOf course.â We run the tap for a second to get the water warm and then turn on the shower head. âDo you need a dinosaur to hold?â
The plastic dinosaurs are his favorite bath toys. He nods and I get one out of the drawer by the sink. He hugs it against his chest while I wipe down his bottom. I move his privates out of the way to get between his legs and then start on the front. âAre you getting a little bit hard down here?â
âThat dinosaur doesnât cover your face very well. I can still see your cheek, and your chin, and your cute foreheadâŠâ I give it lots of kisses and he wiggles.
I pull away. âDid you just get more hard from kissing? From forehead kisses from Mommy?â
Heâs finally all clean and I turn off the water and wrap him in a big, fluffy towel.
âThank you for helping me so much today,â he mumbles.
âOf course. Iâm sorry I made you so shy.â
âNoâŠit was just so embarrassing that I went potty on myself so much.â
âDid it feel kind of good to go in your snow pants?â
He nods, that shy smile on his face again.
âI thought so. Can you help me clean up your messy pull-up and towels? Weâll do a diaper and then Iâll go make you toast and hot chocolate.â
During the diaper change he starts peeing again, clearly without meaning to.
âOh no!! Oh no, Iâm sorry!â He starts to try to sit up but I push him all the way back.
âShh, sh sh. Thatâs what the diaperâs for. Itâs for littleâI mean, for super big boys who canât always make it to the potty right on time. Weâll have to get one on you tomorrow before playtime. Snow pants are fun to pee in but they donât always hold up so good, huh? I think thatâs what he learned today.â
He squirms again, still trying to cover his face.