Back to the Mat

My journey back to my inner peace

[wonderfulyou]

There are moments when I have no idea if I’m on the right path. Moments when I doubt my self-worth. A voice in my head pops up and tells me “You should be accomplishing more” or “You’re fat”, “You’re not good enough”. If I identify with it my entire world collapses. I start comparing myself to other people; “Actually, I could be thinner. Prettier. More successful.” With just a thought I’ve diminished my entire being. My mind spins into worthlessness and my emotions follow. I scroll through Instagram and everyone is so perfect. All these perfect girls. And here I am, on the couch eating pretzels in a pair of yoga pants that should have been in the wash yesterday. My mind starts looking for solutions. “You should go for a run! And diet! Lose weight! Put make-up on! That will make you feel better!” But - FUCK THAT. I am so done with my mind telling me if I do X Y and Z I’ll be happier. If I improve, I’ll be worthier. It’s bullshit. I fucking hate running. Going on a diet sounds like literal torture. I don’t want make-up. I want to stay as I am, in my dirty yoga pants, and I want to love myself. In this moment. Now. Not later, not in some imaginary future that never arrives. I want a self-love NOW that’s so strong, so unwavering that it doesn’t matter what that voice inside my head tells me. I go outside. The sun is setting. The sky is on fire. It jolts me into this moment. Suddenly I realize, this is real! The sky. It’s real. My life, which is fucking fabulous, by the way, is real. This moment. REAL. The neurotic voice inside my head that tells me I’m not good enough? Not real. Not in the slightest. Not even a little bit. Silence arrives, and with it, the understanding that everything is perfect. That I am perfect. That I am gorgeous and intelligent and so worthy. And that voice in my head? Those picture-perfect Instagram girls have it too. Everyone suffers, and everyone is trying so hard to cover it up. But in the end… None of it matters. There is only you, this golden sky, and the choice to be here. To not disappear into the false reality your mind creates. To be here. Immersed. Alive. Awake. What could possibly ever be more important than this?

[backtothemat-blog]

Skills Trainer

I officially got the job as a skills trainer! They called today and offered me the position. I am so excited to be able to use my degree and make a difference in the lives of my clients.

[backtothemat-blog]

Adulting Job

Had my second interview with Oaklawn today for a skills trainer interview. I'm almost 100% sure I'm going to get the job. They love my yoga training and the ability to teach mindfulness and meditation. It makes me really excited to know I can officially use my degree.

[spacevorobey]

[mtmrose]

After doing some note revision this morning I decided to reward myself with attempting a Completion of this game. I’ve beat it once but I’ve never done a complete play through. This will be tough as it took me over thirty minutes to beat day all of the day one tasks.

[backtothemat-blog]

I don't understand what changed. I don't know how to fix it. I'm lost and alone and broken. I want the support but no one understands. I cry most nights, wish I hadn't fucked everything up. I feel like my dreams don't matter anymore because no one believes in me. Would it have been better if I was gone? Would that heal the wounds and hurt. I know I caused hurt but please know how much this hurts me now too. I'm sorry and I know it doesn't fix it but please let me try. Please let me learn how to be a friend again. Please...

[mtmrose]

View this post on Instagram

After two shoulder and back opening practices I decided to play around with my hand stand and forearm stand. #yoga #yogaeverydamnday #handstand #pinchamayurasana #solaceyogastudio (at Solace Yoga Studio)

[backtothemat-blog]

My Instagram will always send these pictures to my main account and I will try and reblog them here.

[fuckyeahyoga]

[backtothemat-blog]

I love handstand. The challenge and the feeling of going against gravity, but this would be insane. To constantly shift your center of gravity and remain stable.

[straight-as-a-curly-fry]

PSA ABOUT SEIZURES. AKA HOW TO HELP A SEIZURE PATIENT WITHOUT BEING AN ASSHOLE.

I just had a seizure in french class, so this is the part where I go over seizure first aid just in case somebody you know goes through what I do. 

1. As soon as they start seizing get somebody to start a timer. If you don’t know the person call an ambulance. If you do know them, and know they have a seizure disorder call an ambulance anyways; unless they’ve previously told you otherwise. Don’t call the police. Police don’t know how to handle seizure patients. If you call the police that makes you an asshole. When the medics arrive tell them how long the patient has been seizing for, or how long they where seizing for if the seizure has stopped. 

3. if they are seizing violently do not hold them down, seriously you can give them serious bruises or even break their bones

2. If they’re not seizing violently, turn them on their side, and try to get them in the position closest to shock position that you can. They’ll thank you for this if they throw up and don’t choke on their own vomit. 

6. If possible put a pillow or soft object underneath the persons head. This will stop them from braining themselves on the floor, which is usually something we appreciate greatly. generally cracking our heads open is even less fun than seizing. 

Do not, and i mean it do not put anything in their mouth. They’re not going to swallow their tongue, that’s not an actual thing. They may bite it, but that’s preferable to choking on whatever shit you put in their mouth. Just don’t do it. 

4. If they wet themselves don’t tease them about it. don’t even mention it unless it’s to offer them a change of clothes. this isn’t a medical thing, this is just a “don’t be an asshole” thing. 

Don’t hold them down

5. don’t be an asshole in general. sometimes seizures and bodily fluids come hand in hand. we know this. trust me. 

Waking up from a seizure can be super scary, especially if the person has never had one before. Don’t let them sit up right away, and speak to them in as soothing of a voice as you can, and i mean like nature-documentary type soothing, that shit has got to be as calm as it possibly can be. 

Don’t fucking hold them down you can break their fucking bones i’m not kidding

I may add more to this later, but my brain is fried because, you know, i just had a seizure. 

[mtmrose]

I dozed off on my couch this evening as my new meds make me super sleepy. When I woke up this little fur baby was sound asleep on my legs.

[backtothemat-blog]

Limb Muscle Spasms and Racing Heart

Laying on the couch as my heart races and I feel like I have no control over my arms and legs. I'm scared and my mom is sleeping, and I don't think anyone cares.

[skateonthebeach]

[backtothemat-blog]

Hand in Hand with Depression

I live... but I am not alive. I have emotions... but I do not feel. I exist... but make no difference in the world. My lungs, they fill with oxygen... But I cannot breathe. I sleep... but never rest. I smile... but I am not happy. I have friends, and lots of family... but I am close to no one. I am in a room full of people... but I am lonely. I have goals... but lack the motivation to even try. I am taken care of... but never feel loved. I cut my skin and bleed... but still I find no relief.

[backtothemat-blog]

Wellbutrin is such a weird drug. For the first time in forever I can lay in bed and not hear my thoughts racing. It's silent. The headaches hurt but I can live. Seizures are what scare me. Yet part of me thinks at least I would never remember it. Currently the muscle twitches are the worst. Night

[mtmrose]

It doesn’t matter what kind of mood I’m in or how bad my day has been, when my feet touch my mat and I walk into @solaceyogastudio I feel at home. I know nothing else matters and that I have beautiful souls who are coming to share their practice with me. #yoga #yogaeverydamnday #sidecrowpose #sidecrow #spiritualgangster #onzie #solaceyogastudio #vibrim #vff (at Solace Yoga Studio)

[wonderfulyou]

View this post on Instagram

Good morning from Aruba and @penny_thegoat who is getting increasingly good at balancing on things (and people!)…☺️🐐😍 #yogaeverydamnday

[ulibeanzz]

why does no one talk about how friends can break your heart so devastatingly intimately sometimes a million times worse than romantic partners why does no one talk about friend break ups

[twentyonecopilots]

Especially because friend break ups don’t always come with the courtesy of an actual break up. Friends can just stop talking to you and we let it happen. They don’t sit you down and say “hey it’s not you it’s me” or “I just don’t see us working out” They say “sorry my mom said no” or “I’m busy that day” until you eventually stop asking or you drift apart. They aren’t obligated to give an explanation and sometimes that hurts more. Friend break ups don’t usually offer closure.