Ok so like how DOES one handle "NPD crashes"? I'm not talking fic-specific, I mean like generally. Like I don't get how you're supposed to just put up with somebody practically abusing you under the excuse of a crash and then move on like nothing happened. (Please don't hate me I'm not trying to be argumentative I'm just SO confused. 😭)
Alrighty, so, a few things to unpack, here... First of all, an NPD crash is not an "excuse to be abusive". It's a legitimate kind of mental health crisis that's extremely difficult to navigate, and as such, can oftentimes get expressed in explosive or harmful ways, also known as "splitting". It sounds to me like you might be talking more about splitting, but that often comes at the result of crashing, so I'll kinda be covering both, here. (For a better understanding of NPD splitting, please read this post. "Crashing" basically means lacking in positive supply for the ego, leading to intense self-loathing. This doesn't always result in splitting, but is still very bad for you and can make you want to hurt yourself or worse. Using the fic solely as an example here to help explain, King Candy blowing up on Felix in chapter 11 was an example of splitting, whereas his general suicidal thoughts and self-harming in the later chapters is due to crashing. They can go hand-in-hand, but aren't exactly the same.) That doesn't mean it's okay for somebody to hurt you while going through a crash or a split, but what needs to be understood here is that it's still a form of legitimate crisis, and is not a reflection of who the person is as a whole. For people who don't understand how excruciatingly difficult it is to live with a condition that makes it borderline impossible to regulate one's emotions, I know it can seem like it's just an "excuse to be an asshole", but that is a very incorrect interpretation of what crashing/splitting is like. (Keep in mind, there ARE some people who will put the entire blame for bad behaviour on a disorder, trying to use it as an excuse, which ALSO isn't okay, but that's not what I'm talking about, here. I'm talking about people who are legitimately trying to maintain healthy relationships but struggle doing so due to the splitting/crashing, not the people who refuse to put any effort in or change their behaviour if it's hurting somebody. <-And keep in mind that this can apply to ANYBODY, not just people with NPD (being hurtful and refusing to put effort in and stuff)) So the thing about splitting is, it's basically emotional dysregulation cranked up to the EXTREME. While somebody is splitting, that is not a good time to confront somebody about things that are bothering you, because in the moment, it's most likely to be interpreted in extremely negative ways, even if you don't mean it like that. Communicating that somebody did something hurtful to you while they were splitting is completely fine and should be done in order to build up better boundaries, but doing it while the split is actively happening will not be effective. (Generally speaking.) That doesn't mean it's "brushing that behaviour under the rug" or "giving them an excuse to be hurtful", it just means saving the conversation for when both of you are in a better headspace to talk things through. You don't have to sit there and take it if somebody is going off on you, you instead both have to figure out what the best course of action is to deal with splitting when it happens (will elaborate on this more in a second)
One thing that is EXTREMELY important to remember is that there's no one "correct" answer for how to handle it. I wish I had some kind of universal problem-solver to give you that can simply be applied to all scenarios of a crash, but that does not exist. The way people work through it is different, and not everybody is going to have the same reactions or methods of working through a crash. It's also not as simple as "just get therapy lol", because the entire medical/psychological field is still filled TO THE BRIM with stigmatization against Cluster B disorders, and some medical professionals will even straight-up refuse to diagnose it. Some will refuse to even acknowledge what a person is saying if they have it, and just assume they're lying for some reason or another. "Just get therapy" is not a good answer when you live with something as demonized, intense and all-consuming as NPD, because you have to fight tooth and nail just to find somebody who will actually help you. We've barely gotten to a point in time where BPD is getting more recognition and proper treatment in these fields (and even then, it's still a REALLY rough road), but NPD and ASPD are still far, far behind in being properly acknowledged/worked with. Lots of people give up on finding help just due to how horribly they get treated in their search, and it's kinda hard to blame them when things seem that hopeless.
Anyway, got a teensy bit off-topic, back to crashing and splitting lmao - For a personal example, when my friend is going through NPD splitting (which doesn't happen that much anymore, but still), what they need is a clear reinforcement of boundaries, but also reassurance that they're still loved. It might not help as directly in the moment, but it helps keep them grounded and stop from spiralling further into a crash under the false belief of like, "They hate me, they're never going to forgive me, I'm such a worthless friend" while I'm giving them space to calm down. Saying something like, "Hey, I'm saying this as your friend, and I love you very much, but I can't handle the way you're talking to me right now. I know this isn't how we usually are, I still love you, and I'll be here when you're feeling more ready to talk, but right now clearly isn't a good time for that, so I'm going to step away for a bit, okay?" can be extremely helpful in making sure boundaries are upheld, but also making sure that they know your relationship is still safe, and that you can be approached when things have calmed down. From what I've seen, this tends to be the safest and more common approach for people to take with this stuff. There's often a major fear about being discarded or replaced that comes with these things, so being extra clear about reassurance that they're still loved while also making sure you take a step back so as to not get hurt yourself is usually pretty helpful.
However, that doesn't always work for people. Some people need to be COMPLETELY left alone when they're splitting, like a "I'm going to blow tf up no matter what is said right now, so you need to shut up and leave immediately right this second because otherwise it WILL get worse" kind of thing, whereas some people need to be sat down and directly + harshly called out in the heat of the moment in order to really be snapped out of it, so on and so forth... It varies a lot person-by-person. (These are accounts I've seen from people with NPD online talking about how to work through their own splitting btw, it's a different experience for everybody and takes a lot of work to figure out what's most effective)
Neurodivergent friendships in general take work and patience, and both people need to be willing to put in that work and find ways to communicate respectfully and effectively with each other. Not everybody's willing to put in that work, sometimes folks with NPD refuse to see that change is needed until they hit rock bottom, sometimes neurotypicals refuse to see how much of a struggle being neurodivergent is, sometimes even people who are neurodivergent themselves will completely demonize other nerodivergent folks that they don't understand, and that all can suck sometimes, but it is what it is. Either way, there should be a better understanding that not everybody's brains work the same, and sometimes things get messy and uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean we can brand everybody with a specific disorder as "bad, abusive people" just for having a disorder. That is untrue and ableist, and all it does is contribute to the stigmatization that makes it EXTREMELY hard for Cluster B folks to find better support and healthier coping mechanisms, which will result in less healthy relationships being made overall. Isn't that the opposite of what you want?
Also, friendly reminder that 'narcissistic abuse' exists just as much as 'autistic abuse' or 'ADHD abuse' or 'PTSD abuse'. (Which is to say, not at all.)
I'll say it as many times as needs to be said: Associating kinds of abuse as if they only happen with specific disorders is idiotic and dangerous. Stop doing it. (Not directed specifically at you anon, I just mean overall, like, as a society. </3)
