Bad Fanfiction for the Win

Bad fanfiction: the ultimate guilty pleasure. This is where I read and rant about all of the fanfiction I might happen to come across. i suck at summaries lol "There's a time and place for everything, and I believe it’s called 'fan fiction'.” - Joss Whedon

[badfanfic-ftw]

Holly Mistletoe was special. So special that she landed a job with Bernard, the head elf. She won't deny that she's weird. She dresses like a human and her hair is different. And to top it all off, she has this evil voice inside her that ruins everything for her. Bernard/OC

This sounds like a winner.

[badfanfic-ftw]

"Of course… who should I tell him is here?" Sebastian asked.

"Iris Phantomhive," the girl said flatly.

"…Phantomhive?" Sebastian questioned. He had never heard of an Iris Phantomhive.

"Yes," Iris answered, sounding like she'd been answering this question her whole life. "I am his older sister. I was on business in Austria, but Ciel demanded I come here."

Just...what. 

If Ciel had siblings, Sebastian would certainly know about it. He shouldn't be shocked.

Plus, his sister is supposedly twenty years old...so why is the twelve year old running the company instead of her?

Where is the logic?

[badfanfic-ftw]

In the mood to read some bad Black Butler fanfic.

Merp.

[badfanfic-ftw]

Found a fanfiction where the author re-wrote Fruits Basket with her OC as Tohru's perfect, drop-dead-beautiful BFF whom everyone (literally EVERYONE) falls in love with and she helps them fix all of their problems.

who's tohru honda, lol?

[vanilla0chinchilla]

Kagome is sent to America when she spirals into a dangerous depression. There she comes to meet Sam & the Autobots by accident, her miko powers flaring to life when around them. One particular mech known as Optimus Prime will transform her life forever.

Someone actually wrote this.  It’s over 75,000 words, and it’s sincere.  Someone sincerely wrote a crossover between Inuyasha and the Transformers movie, to pair Optimus and Kagome together, and it’s rated M, as in there’s sex.   (via the-littlest-elder-god)

[badfanfic-ftw]

Percy Jackson and the Olympians fic

I've been terrible about updating for this fic. However, it's finished (and only five chapters long) so I should get through the rest of it fairly quickly. I've already found some horrible fantastic Fruits Basket fanfic I want to read after this one, so that's my motivator...hah. Plus, I can't stop once I've started even though this fic is boring beyond all human comprehension.

But let's have some fun with it, anyway, shall we?

Onward to chapter three of the coffee shop AU!

Last chapter, Nico made plans to hang out with Percy due to how 'awkward' it was that they weren't friends.

There were three things that Nico noticed as soon as he arrived at the game place, One… He was early by about thirty minutes (he caught Percy once earlier and figured out a time to meet like they forgot to the evening before) and Percy himself was already there. Two… Percy was tapping his feet and rapping his fingers with a humming smile to the music coming from the overhead speakers outside the store, the sorter recognizing it as one of his favored songs (Paper Wings, By Rise Against). Three and lastly… the older male was wearing a leather jacket. A black one at that. He could only stare for several moments as he took in the other male in said jacket to save to his memory for maybe forever.

Nico sure does like lists. 

And of course Percy likes the same music of Nico. Of course.

It wasn't a bad look on him for sure, especially since it amplified the appearance of the firm muscles in his arms to the point that it made Nico wonder if he was wearing a t-shirt under the sinfully attractive thing or something. 

Does this sentence even make sense? Because I've read it ten times and it makes no sense.

Nico awkwardly approaches Percy and doesn't even return his greeting smile.

Way to make friends there, pal.

"So… what stuff do you like to play here? And I never expected you to be a leather jacket kind of guy." 

GAH. Nico, why must you insist on stereotyping poor Percy to death?? First the homework thing, then the Disney movies, now the leather jacket??

I'm beginning to dislike you.

Leather and black were both things he really liked so it was extremely attractive and all that harder to avoid feeding this attraction thing he felt towards the other male. 

And if we needed more proof that all that matters in true love, in this author's mind, is physical attraction...here it is.

Percy goes on to talk about which games he likes, then says it's probably 'weird' that he wears a leather jacket and doesn't ride a motorcycle.

....

I wear a leather jacket and I don't ride a motorcycle, either. Am I doing it wrong?

He chuckled after that. It was something that kind of embarrassed Nico himself. since he sort of was a motorcycle kind of guy. His dad just wouldn't let him have one till he had the money to buy and own one himself, made on his own without his family's help. "Motorcycles are pretty cool." The shorter returned cautiously, glancing from the corner of his eye and noting Percy's expression. At the very least, the other raven seemed pretty happy to hear he liked motorcycles though the smaller was unsure why he would be unless-. "But I don't have or drive one… yet. My father won't let me get one unless I save the money for it myself. My family is sort of… unique…" 

The raven: 1

Nico goes on to say that in his family, you have to pay for most of your own stuff. Which isn't actually that you unique since he's technically considered an adult, anyway, but whatever.

"Hazel and I are kind of black sheep in our family she's my half-sister so she probably has an excuse though…" He gave a small smile. "But I don't treat her any different than Bianca!" He stated after a little hurriedly as he thought of how that had sounded. "In fact… I probably get along with her better… I haven't seen Bianca for a couple years already…" He mumbled and looked up with a faint blush as he realized he was sort of rambling too. "Sorry, I was rambling about stuff that isn't really interesting—"

SO MUCH AWKWARD.

Why he even bothers bringing up the 'black sheep' thing makes no sense in the context of what he's talking about.

Percy, of course, doesn't mind his rambling since he's so ~perfect~ 

He winked a bit.

WHAT EVEN. How do you wink 'a bit?' You either wink or you don't, omg. I'm imagining Percy doing some bizarre eye twitch thing now and let me just say, it's not very attractive.

Nico tells Percy he likes tabletop gaming best.

"Well, I'm not that familiar for those but I'd like to learn if you feel like teaching me. Would that be alright with you?" Shock was certainly in Nico's expression now more than the blush was though that had remained at the very least. He hadn't expected the older male to be interested in that type of thing. Sure Annabeth, Jason, Rachel, and several other friends of theirs (even Thalia) were into that kind of game but he didn't think Percy would be too.

STEREOTYPES. STEREOTYPES EVERYWHERE.

Nico teaches Percy some card games (Magic: The Gathering and Mythomagic) until they get hungry and go to a burger place for dinner. 

Once they got there, Nico took time to look around a few times to take in the place since he's never been here before. It was a nice place, at least nicer than you expect most burger places to be but he liked it. "It's… nice." He stated, meaning his words and glancing up at the other's bright emerald gaze that seemed to sparkle as he spoke… something that made him think he was imagining things. 

Perfect Percy's eyes even ~sparkle~

Nico and Percy talk about their families (Yawn. Show us, don't tell us. No one likes an info dump.) and finish their meal.

Nico knew he was falling deeper but he wasn't quite minding it as much as he had before because he was actually learning about Percy too which made his growing crush more… cherishable… even though he was certain he was going to regret it later.

Once they finished eating, the time out together had to end. Nico was working early again and Percy had a lot of studying and homework to catch up on. They walked together till their paths split and separated with an exchange of parting smiles. It had been a good day and Nico was looking forward to the next plans they will be making later on. Nico had gotten Percy's number too, which made planning a hell of a lot easier to the relief of them both. So with that, he made his way home and went to sleep.

Thus ends the riveting excitement of chapter 3.

Use of 'the raven' in overall fic: 10

[badfanfic-ftw]

Percy Jackson and the Olympians fic

I'm two chapters behind on this thanks a lot college getting in the way of fanfic reading UGH. Anyway, here's chapter two of the coffee shop Percy Jackson fic.

Last chapter, we were introduced to a bunch of characters who seemed so far to afford no relevence to the story, and watched Nico fall head over heels for some guy he exchanged only a few words with. 

And onward we go.

Chapter two starts off with Nico listing all of the things he has learned about his "true love" from Jason. I just adore when authors tell instead of show, don't you? JK, I hate it. The author also continues with her obsession of calling Nico "the raven" for God knows what reason.

That morning before his classes… Nico had learned five things about the attractive guy from the previous afternoon. One… His name was Perseus Jackson, nicknamed Percy, and liked Greek/Roman mythology. Two… he was captain of the swim team and an avid fan of aquatic life. Three… He was a senior like Jason and he'd gone to High school with pretty much everyone in the younger raven's friend circle yet stillmanaged to not meet Nico till the previous day. Four… he really liked the color blue and was surprisingly childish if it was true that he really liked Disney movies as well. He trusted his friends to be honest so it was likely definite… Which hadn't helped Nico's case considering how he thought it was really kind of cute.

SO MUCH annoys me about this paragraph. First off, I get the author trying to put Greek mythology into the story since that's the whole point of Percy Jackson in the first place. However, if it doesn't play some role in the story or is never mentioned again, I'll be super annoyed. Second, I don't see why Nico finds it weird he never met Percy just because he went to high school with most of his friends. I don't meet every single person my friends know. That'd just be weird. And finally, Disney movies DO NOT indicate that you're childish. They're great films enjoyed by adults and children alike and have nothing to do with your maturity level. GOSH.

And you didn't think I forgot about our "the raven" drinking game, did you? Get your glasses ready!

the raven: 1

And Five… he wasn't as Straight as the younger male feared if the embarrassed expression on Jason's face when he first asked about him and mentioned he might like him more than should be possible, considering the chances he was playing the same team was likely zero, was anything to go by. He knew that expression on the blond's face after all; it was one that told him there might have been something between the two of them at some point… Jason even confirmed it a moment later when he mentioned there was one time in high school that didn't really work out but he was pretty certain the chances weren't as hopeless as Nico originally thought they were.

All of that text? Yeah, that's two sentences. Just...what even. These sentences run-on so much it's ridiculous.

After grilling Jason, Nico heads off to class.

Moments before he shook his thoughts, the raven took a turn and ended up crashing right into someone on accident and spilt both their books all over the floor while a hand at his lower back steadied him and prevented Nico himself from joining said books on the floor. He muttered an apology before glancing up and freezing once more. Shit shit shit. He thought to himself as his face lit up and he quickly ducked down to gather the books that had fallen while thinking it was some cruel joke from the powers above that made him run into Percy Fucking Jackson himself while thinking about him at the worst possible time.

Ah, the old "run into the hot guy in the hallway" cliche. Never gets old.

the raven: 2

"Sorry, Sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." He mumbled and tried not to notice when the taller actually knelt down beside him to help pick things up and put them all back in their rightful places. Again… was this guy seriously real who did this kind of stuff in real life? Seriously? Yeah it was a clichéd scene from every teen romance novel ever but really? This kind of thing never actually happened to people. He heard a little chuckle to the right where Percy was helping him pick up before the other male paused and leaned back on his haunches to speak.

Why is Nico so shocked that Percy is helping him? Surely, he knows plenty of people who'd stop to help someone in the hallway, such as any of his friends. Oh wait, I forgot. As soon as you find "true love," friends don't matter. Silly me. At least the author admits this scene is ridiculously cliche. And saying "haunches" makes Percy sound like a dog.

Percy goes on to insist that the accident was his fault, throws some more heart melting grins at Nico, and recognizes him as the barista who helped him at the coffee shop the other day.

Percy finally introduces himself, Nico is awkward, and Percy compliments his taste in coffee. 

Ahh… more grins. Did this guy get any less perfect and cheerful… ever? Nico kind of doubted it.

You've spoken to him for, like, five minutes tops since you've met. Chill, Nico.

Nico continues to be awkward until they part ways to go to their seperate classes.

It wasn't until he was working a later shift that he saw Percy again after that. He was just getting off his break when the other raven stepped into the shop and sent a smile his way. He quickly glanced down a moment and pretended to wash the counter next to the cash register before looking up and nodding to the older male. "What can I get you today?" He asked after a minute, seeing as the other seemed to be waiting on that.

the raven: 3

"Ah, Yeah. Can I get a Caramel Mocha? I have some late studying to do and it should help get me through."

Percy sent him a wry smile after speaking which lent Nico the information that he possibly didn't like studying. He didn't seem like the type either so it made sense to the younger male if he didn't.

...Does ANYONE like studying? Geez, Nico. You're being unbelievably dense. And way to judge a book by its cover. Although, you DID just fall head over heels for a guy you exhanged a few words with yesterday, so why am I shocked?

Nico makes Percy's coffee and asks him if he dislikes studying. Percy says yes (shocker) but says Annabeth is forcing him to study for an upcoming quiz.

After quickly learning several of his friends were acquainted and friends with the male before him, he'd come to get a feel of how each of his friends might treat Percy within their circle. He was a popular person among them for sure… 

So, your friends never mentioned this guy or introduced you to him in all your years of knowing them, yet you somehow jump to the conclusion that he's popular among them...why? Logic is lacking.

Nico thinks about how Annabeth and Percy probably had a thing (because everyone has the hots for Percy in this fic) due to how she acted when he asked her about him. 

A moment of observation of the other while he paid, thanked him for the coffee, and began to leave before the shorter raven decided to go out on a limb since feelings aside he wanted to get to know Percy a bit in his own eyes. Plus… he was friends with all of Nico's own friends… it was kind of awkward he wasn't friends with Percy himself and it was a good start of things before just jumping in to ask him out.

How is it awkward? I'm not friends with all of my friends' friends, and they aren't friends with all of mine. Plus, you've gone this long without knowing him.

the raven: 4

"Hey… Percy…?" He called out softly and got the green eyed male to pause and turn to look at him questioningly. "Do you want to hang out this weekend? You're kind of friends with most of my friends and it's sort of weird I haven met or hung out with you myself before so…" He trailed off and reflected he might have sounded sort of stupid while asking that.

Percy agrees.

Nico blinked and glanced up to see the other's beaming smile and felt stupid for feeling stupid since Percy already proved to be a pretty nice and laid back guy… So he shouldn't have thought the question was stupid in the first place. 

So much stupid.

I mean what.

The word stupid is used a ridiculous amount of times in this sentence...that's what I meant.

"Ah, yeah. Do you know the arcade and comic store just outside campus?" Mentally smacking himself for that meet up place since how geeky could someone get? But again his thoughts reprimanded themselves at the older's next grin.

Nico, you're really starting to grate on my nerves. If you want to date this guy, he might as well know the real you right off the bat.

In conclusion, Percy says he spends a lot of time at the arcade himself (gasp) and then leaves, with Nico thinking about how he's "doomed" even though we've been given no indication that that will be the case.

So, that wraps up chapter two. I'll get three up by tomorrow~

Fun times.

Uses of "the raven" in over-all fic: 9 times in 2 chapters

[badfanfic-ftw]

Percy Jackson and the Olympians fic

Sinus surgery recovery is still killer, so I decided to scope out the 'just in' section of fanfiction.net...and found a real gem.

Summary: AU where Everyone's mortal and going to collage. Nico is a barista, Bianca is alive (but mainly only mentioned), Hazel is Adopted, Percy is attractive, Jason is a wingman, and everyone is friends with everyone while somehow helping in some way to help Nico get his guy. Percico. I suck at summaries.

Ok, I've never actually read a coffee shop fic for Percy Jackson, so I was a little intrigued. However, PLEASE DON'T EVER end a summary by saying you 'suck at summaries.' I know everyone else does it, but FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT IN THIS WORLD, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM HOPPING ON THE BANDWAGON. If everyone on fanfiction.net started writing Star Wars/The Great Gatsby crossover fics, would you do it, too? While the summary IS sufficeintly sucky, you are trying to sell your fic to potential readers, so don't put put yourself down. Besides, the number of people who actually ARE good at summaries is astronomically smaller than those who aren't.

A/N: It's unbeta'd but I usually check through for spelling/grammer errors in case any present themselves. Anyway,I promise it gets better once the story takes off so hope you enjoy~

And you misspelled 'grammar' right off the bat, too. That's comforting.

The fic opens by describing to the reader how obssessed with death and whatnot Nico is, even though he works at a coffee shop (?). Apparently, his mother is a surgeon, his father is a mortician, and his sister is a veterinarian. Now, surgeons and vets aren't usually associated with death, but whatever. Despite his morbid fascinations, though, Nico is a classic art and literature major.

He was a freshman in collage and majoring in classic art and literature, more curious on seeing if he could make it in something more of an artistic taste.

Um, I have a couple of problems with this sentence. First, you don't choose a major just to see if it'll work out. That's a lot of effort and money to put into something. But maybe that's how it works in COLLAGE as opposed to COLLEGE (you're right! you totally didn't need a beta!). Third, being a mortician is an art of its own. Just sayin'.

Enough on that, however, and back to the coffee shop.

oh ok.

We then get a detailed look at Nico's work schedule (riveting!) and are briefly introduced to co-workers Reyna, Annabeth, Rachel, Piper, Jason, Leo, Thalia, and Frank. When I say briefly, I mean BRIEFLY. All we get are names. Will these characters actually ever become relevent? 

Good question. Because they don't in this chapter.

The author is also obsessed with called Nico a 'raven.' Not even raven haired, just 'raven.' I absolutely loathe this new trend in fic. It makes me think of the character as an obnoxious black bird.

IN FACT. Let's take a drink every time it happens!

...the raven didn't even notice there was a customer till a hand waved in front of his face and a cheerful question on if he was 'sleeping with his eyes open or stuck deep in thought' brought him back to the present where he hurriedly muttered an apology and focused at the cash register to regain his thoughts and kill his mild embarrassment.

the raven: 1

The customer turns out to be MEGA HOT (obviously) and we learn that Nico is into dudes, but he is afraid of rejection, so he tries to hide his obvious attraction to this stranger. 

So before the green eyes male could notice Nico was staring at him with his mouth hanging open and a mild flush forming on his cheeks, the raven turned around and busied himself with the coffee machine and restacking cups while the other decided his order.

I thought he was supposed to be working the cash register. How rude.

the raven: 2

Next, the stranger apparently has no clue what to order, so he asks Nico for a suggestion. Who even does that?? I get it at a restaurant, but most people know what to get at a coffee shop. The place is usually busy, the cashier has no clue what you like, and it's just a waste of everyone's time.

The hottie takes a while to decide (how inconsiderate) but finally settles on Nico's suggestion.

If the other raven wasn't doing enough to Nico's state of mind he just had to go and wink at him as he said that.

the raven: 3

Nico gets flustered but makes the stranger his coffee, admonishing himself for thinking someone attractive could ever be in his league.

I think my favorite part of this is that Nico acts as if he already has a thing for this guy who's name he doesn't even know. What if he got to know him personally and decided 'yeah, he's hot, but we don't mesh as a couple'??? 

BUT OF COURSE NOT.

Looks are all that matter in true love.

Only when it was several hours later and Nico was lying in his bed while trying to fall asleep that the small raven realized he might have been doomed the moment he met that older raven's eyes... considering that rather than sleeping like he should, he found himself thinking more and more of the other male and his cheerful smile.

I spoke two sentences to you and I already know WE'RE MEANT TO BE!

the raven: 5

So, to end the first chapter, Nico decides to ask Jason if he knows the stranger's name. Why Jason would know is anyone's guess.

I can't wait for chapter 2~

[badfanfic-ftw]

I had sinus surgery a few days ago, and all I really feel like doing is sitting in bed...and what do you know, fanfic helps take my mind off it~

I've found an Inuyasha fic with even more historical inaccuracies than the anime, and a Percy Jackson that is rather hilarious. I'll try not to spam with all my notes, but no promises.

The 'just in' section on fanfiction.net is GOLD.

[badfanfic-ftw]

So, I've finally done it.

I made a sideblog just to post about all of the bad fanfiction I read.

This is going to be fun~