Merry Unbirthday To You

The most surprising aspect of my life is that I am, in fact, an adult.

[bagelbitefiend]

Morgan: I don’t think we can mansplain, manipulate, or malewife our way out of this one guys.

Prentiss, cracking her knuckles: Manslaughter it is

[bagelbitefiend]

(on the plane)

Reid: When I get kidnapped I think I’m just gonna try to annoy them into letting me go.

Prentiss: If anyone could do that it’d be you.

JJ: Can we go back to Reid saying “when I get kidnapped”?

Reid, resigned: Its happened so much that its inevitable at this point.

[bagelbitefiend]

(Will sees Reid with a black eye)

Will: You look worse than a Georgia Road Lizard!

Reid, crying: What the fuck does that mean???

[bagelbitefiend]

JJ at Prentiss’ funeral: We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of our beloved teammate and friend Emily Prentiss.

Prentiss, yelling from the bushes: Quit telling everyone I’m dead!

JJ: Sometimes, I can still hear her voice

[bagelbitefiend]

Prentiss: Hey, I’m thirsty. Can I have some of your water?

Reid: It’s not water

Prentiss, shocked: Are you drinking VODKA at 10 A.M?

Reid: It’s vinegar

Prentiss: WHAT?!?

Reid: It’s vinegar, pussy

[bagelbitefiend]

Prentiss: JJ!

JJ, whispering: Shush! Henry is sleeping!

Prentiss, also whispering: Sorry

JJ: What’s wrong?

Prentiss: The kitchen is on fire

JJ: THE KITCHEN IS ON FIRE???

[bagelbitefiend]

Prentiss: You know what would be sexy? Eating food off of each other

JJ: You didn’t do the dishes did you?

Prentiss: I did not

[bagelbitefiend]

Morgan: Say there was a fire. You can save me or your books. What would you choose?

Reid: That’s not fair, the books don’t have legs

[bagelbitefiend]

Prentiss, talking to herself: I am dangerous and fearsome. I have no emotions

Rossi: Weren’t you just crying about snakes?

Prentiss, holding back tears: They don’t have any arms

[bagelbitefiend]

JJ: You know, when you said you were magical in bed this isn’t what I was expecting

Emily, holding up the King of Hearts: Is this your card?

JJ: Holy shit

[bagelbitefiend]

Hotch, answering the phone: Hello?

Prentiss: It’s Emily

Hotch: What did she do this time?

Prentiss: No, it’s me, Emily

Hotch: Oh... what did you do this time?

[bagelbitefiend]

Reid talking to Morgan with his head laid on the desk: and then I called him Dad

Hotch on the phone with Rossi, trying not to cry: and then he called me DAD

[bagelbitefiend]

(In the breakroom)

JJ: Emily, it’s not what you think!

Prentiss, holding a nerf gun: I won’t hesitate bitch!

Prentiss: (fires the nerf gun, hitting JJ square in the forehead)

Hotch, sarcastically: Have children they said, it’ll be fun they said

[bagelbitefiend]

Prentiss taking down an unsub: Merry Christmas asshole

Unsub:

Unsub: It’s July

Prentiss: Did I fucking stutter?

[deadravenclaw]

Emily: Why are you in a depressive state again?

Reid: Oh it's not a state. It's a series, and I just hit season 12

[bagelbitefiend]

JJ: I am morosexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively

Emily from the bedroom: Hey babe, what animal was Pink Panther again?

JJ, already taking off her clothes: You’re so fucking stupid

[bagelbitefiend]

Prentiss, drunk: Hey, I’m a lesbian

Morgan, also drunk: ...I thought you were American?