bailongmas:
Ma Chao’s breath caught in his throat as their eyes met. As she stepped forward Ma Chao wanted nothing more than to kiss her again in relief; with a deep breath he restrained himself, instead reaching up with one hand to cup her face again. The expression on her face caused his heart to beat faster, and without thinking he passionately began to ramble.
“The reason I didn’t make my affection clear before was because I was conflicted. In many ways, part of me is still at war. For so long, I had lost my path, so consumed by my desire for vengeance that I could no longer feel anything but sorrow and rage. In doing so I was blind to my own arrogance. I felt alone; I was so convinced no one could have felt the pain I felt, and I closed myself off to the world.
“I mistook solitude for strength, anger for righteousness; in my moments of weakness I refused to listen to those around me, thinking only of paying bloodshed with bloodshed. I no longer thought about what I was doing, so convinced I was that I was in the right, and I began to lose sight of even the very principles that had guided me.
“Meeting you changed that. Our goal was the same, but our approaches so different. You were bold and daring, yet able to admit your wrongs. You opened my eyes to the true meaning of justice, and made me see the error in my ways. Justice is not achieved by dying alone on the battlefield; it is found by trusting others to stand alongside you.”
As Ma Chao looked down at the ground, he admitted softly, “And it’s just…nice. To trust someone again.“
Her heart raced for him while her soft breathing quickens once his hand made contact with her face again. She half unconsciously reflexes by nuzzling up some to the touch while now pressing just a tad against his large, armored frame; her head tilts up a bit more. If she could kiss him just one more time– not right now though. Feng Xiu was having to spend a lot of willpower to keep herself from trying.
Ma Chao soon started to speak: about why he didn’t say something sooner about his feelings, about feeling lost; being lost and desiring vengeance were things Xiu knew way too well. The gentle sparkle in her cyan blue eyes disappeared, and she suddenly felt a little distrait. However, that didn’t mean she wasn’t listening to the splendid officer.
She always felt he was angry because of the past; he’s suffered some of the same hardships she has. Hearing that meeting her helped him come out of his hard shell made her smile, yet she had to admit something. Once he finished, she took the chance.
“You don’t know..how good it feels to hear that,” she told him softly. “Just hearing that I was able to help you learn to trust someone again.” She raised her hand to touch the one Ma Chao had on her face, stroking the side of his hand gingerly with her thumb while her smile was fading. “Trust is hard though- really hard. I’m not exactly the best when it comes to trusting others. Hell, I can’t even trust my own men in my troop sometimes… but I do know how to admit what I do wrong.”
“Vengeance is a monster, yet it only is when you’re so bent on retrieving it.” Liu Bei taught her that before she joined his side, and she’s remembered it to this day. “I never really listened to that, because I’ll still do anything to get revenge for my family and the people of my village. I’m not the right person to learn from when it comes to keeping your actions in check when it comes to getting payback, or knowing the true meaning of justice, but when it comes to trusting others, you can’t help but feel more at peace.” Xiu managed to smile once more.
“I put my trust in Lord Liu Bei, in Zilong, and multiple others over the years, and even when I don’t always listen and like doing things my own way, I still believe in them. I feel that way when it comes to you too.” The hand upon his moved to his face, coaxing him silently to look at her. “If you really feel I’m helping you though, I’m happy it is. It feels nice to trust your companions, and I want to help you more so you don’t continue to feel too much pain of the past, if you’ll keep putting your trust in me…”
Ma Chao refused to lift his eyes from the ground, embarrassed at his own admission. In the heat of his moment had shared more than intended, and for a moment he half expected Feng Xiu's sharp laugh to tease him for being so sentimental. Had the roles been reversed, he might have pulled away from the intensity of such a confession.
And yet, before he could pull his hand away she shifted her weight, pressing into him slightly. Feng Xiu's slender body pressed against his was soothing; for the first time in the conversation did his stiff form relax.
He peeked up at her face. Her expression was serious, and his eyes skirted to the ground again as she talked. He hated to think of his actions as “vengeance”- it made him feel petty, and childish, and weak. And yet, it wasn’t as though what she said was wrong. They were so alike; the biggest difference between them remained in how they dealt with the reality of their situations.
Her hand was light on his chin, and he locked eyes with her. It was comforting to hear that trust was difficult for her as well; while he had faith in the other Shu soldiers to protect his back in times of need, he had never felt close enough with those around him to confide in them or be open. For so long he had watched Feng Xiu socialize so easily and it made him feel.... excluded, in a sense, to be unable to relate to the others around her.
"I cannot say for certain that I will be able to trust others. I can dedicate my life for my lord and his vision, but as for trust...” Something still dug at his stomach and his words trailed off. While he appreciated her words, there was an unpleasant emotion tugging at his heart.
Maybe it was envy. Despite a part of him that tried to deny it, he had been jealous watching her for multiple reasons.
He let go of her face, letting her hair trail over his hand as he pulled away. He clasped his hands together upon her lower back, gently pressing his chest against her. His heart pounded even harder against his rib cage, until he was certain that she would feel its rhythmic thumping through his breastplate.
They had gotten off topic.
Ma Chao tilted his head and leaned towards her more, until his intent was obvious. “...The way I trust you is different.”
