What: A drabble about the conversation Alex and James have once Alex finds out he's at campus to see him.
Who: Alex and James Baker, mentions of Ella, Dita and Robin.
The time that lapsed as Alex stared at his door seemed endless, the few seconds it took for him to fill his lungs with oxygen courage were heavy and they weighed him down to the depths of despair like a bag of cement. Robin was right though, he had this handled, he could do this. James was his brother, he always would be and somehow Alex felt like that was all that would matter in the end. Though none of that made this conversation and the situation at hand any easier for him. Knowing that James now sat in his room only reminded him that it was now or never. The growing pit in his stomach begged for the never option as he pushed the door open slowly, stepping into his room as though something was about to explode.
Clicking shut behind him, the door sealed them in, like a tomb that would never be reopened and Alex suddenly found it hard to breathe. His face becoming more red by the second, he made for the bed opposite his - the one his non existent room mate slept in, and sat. James stood tall, his hands crossed over his chest. It wasn't hard to tell they were brothers, between their blonde locks, blue eyes and personalities that matched, the only real difference between them was the hulking stature of his younger brother and his stubborn attitude, both, thanks in part to his football career. Right now, his younger sibling looked like he took up most of the space his small dorm room held as he stared blankly at the Polaroid pictures that plastered his wall. From where he sat, he could pinpoint his favorites. Most of them included Ella, Dita or Robin and he silently wondered which ones his brother found himself fixed upon. Though, his question soon answered as his brother pulled down one of Alex and Dita.
"This could have worked, you know?" James' voice was low, void of any and all humor. In that moment, Alex could feel his heart shatter, realizing then and there that this probably wouldn't end well.
A rough hand brushing over his face, Alex sighed, "It could have, but I don't want it to." His throat tightened. He wouldn't deny that he knew there could have been something between he and Dita, hell, there probably was still something there, but it wasn't what he wanted anymore and he knew that completely. His brother fell silent, the photo dropping to the desk in front of him. The air between them seemed toxic, it could have been lit with the smallest of flames, and it would have consumed everything in the room with them. Inhaling deeply, Alex stood again, reaching over to put the photo back on the wall.
"Look, James.. I..-" His words were cut short by the look his brother threw him, he wasn't angry, there was no malice in his eyes, no disappointment, just hurt.
"I feel like I don't know you," James muttered, his words slicing like a hot knife. The hulking figured turned to meet him face to face, "How did.. You never knew?" He asked accusingly.
The question fell on him, and for the first time Alex really thought about it. Maybe there had been something, anything, that he'd simply skipped over, something that he'd forced himself to forget for fear of this happening. Shrugging his shoulders lightly, he shook his head, "I don't know. I mean, I've never agreed with how people back home felt about this kind of thing, and maybe I knew because of that, or maybe I didn't and I forced myself not to feel like this because of the people back home. But, I know now." His words were confident, though his hands shook
His brother mimicked his movement, nodding slowly as though he was trying to comprehend what he was saying. "It's not right," Though he spoke in a mere whisper, Alex heard it, and it rung in his ears like a threat.
His throat now dry, his head dropped low as he forced himself to keep his composure. "Who's to say it's not right? People who don't know me? People who never made an effort to try?" He scoffed, a half laugh as the notion that anyone could tell him what was right or wrong. For the most part, Alex was a smart guy, he knew the basics of right and wrong, but he definitely knew it wasn't for anyone else to decide for him. "I like Robin, James. A lot. And that isn't anyone else's business or for anyone else to judge. I think he likes me too and I'm going to see where this goes." He swallowed thickly, finding the words sticking to his throat before they met the space between them.
James stepped forward, his size threatening to some, but not Alex, "I say it's not right. I know you and I say this isn't right. It's not you." He heard the growl in the back of his younger brothers throat and though he stood tall, he shrunk internally, knowing exactly where this was going.
He felt his hands shaking, and he threw a desperate look at his brother. "It's not me? I'm twenty. I don't know anything about myself. All I ever knew was what I was told to know, how I was told to feel and what I was told I was supposed to do." He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to relieve the pressure in his head, "I left that place so I could try to find out who I am without everyone throwing in their wants and needs along with it. I don't want to bake bread my entire life, I don't want to stay in that town forever, and I don't want to have to lie about who I like because people don't agree with it. I'd have hoped you'd want that for me too." His voice grew angry and desperate, and he threw out anything he could to make his brother understand. "I don't have control over this. It just is. I can't change it, even if I could, I wouldn't. I want this."
Without warning, his brother threw out an enraged groan, he could hear James breathing deeply as he tried to contain his frustration. "No. This is not going to happen. You can't let it and I won't let you. You won't ever be able to bring him home, if this lasts, you won't ever be able to live a normal life because it's just not possible." James turned his back on him, his shoulders rising and falling with each breathe.
Alex stood motionless for a while, seeing how much this was affecting James killed him. It wasn't intentional, and hurting him was the last thing he wanted to do. All James wanted was a normal life for him, though his definition of normal was contorted, he knew James only wanted the best for him, and though the current situation was frustrating, it showed.
Reaching out, Alex placed his hand on James's shoulder, wanting to ease whatever pain his brother felt right now - even though he felt it himself. "James." his voice trembled, "I just want to see what happens, it might not work, and it might not get that far, but I owe it to myself to at least see." Swallowing, his applied a little pressure to his brothers shoulder, "And.. I need you to be okay with this, because I still need you, no matter who I decide I want to be with. I need you because you're my brother."
The pain he felt in his chest intensified suddenly, and he felt the desk bite into his back and he fell backwards, forced by the brute strength of James. The face of his brother pressing down on him. "Don't. Don't you dare pull that card of me Alex. You can't ask me to do that." A finger pointed to his face, Alex frowned - the look in James' eyes was something he'd never really seen before, at least not directed towards him. "I need you to be my brother too, and you're not him right now. You're... - You're not my brother." He spat the words, and they fell heavily on Alex's heart. So much so, that he didn't realize his brother had added to the space between them until the sound of the door slamming loudly echoed throughout his head.
Left standing in the room alone, Alex felt his lungs deflate quickly as he gasped for air and slid to the floor. His head hung low in his hands, he grabbed for the closest thing he could, something heavy, something breakable, and threw it across the room hard.
The room fell dark, and Alex no longer knew how long he'd sat there, silent and alone.
Your brother is smart. He is kind, and generous, and responsible, and respectful. He loves you and his family with all his heart; what part of that is something you can be proud of?
He’s still your brother, okay? Just talk to him. Tell him whatever it is you need to say, and lay it all out on the table. Whatever decisions you’re making, or not sure of– just tell him. Leave no what-ifs.
If it was what he wanted, I wouldn’t fight him. If it was stuff coming in around us? Heck yes, I would fight, tooth and nail. But I won’t cocoon your brother away somewhere and not let him do whatever he wants. He’s a big boy, and he can make all of his own decisions.
Because…. your brother is awesome. And I’ve liked girls before, too. I was in love with one for a while, back in high school. I like both, he seems to like both, that’s fine by me. I’m not really…. a jealous type. Or a possessive type. I’m not really afraid that Alex is going to run off with the first girl to bat her eyes at him, but I’m not going to stop him if he decides he does want to run off with the first girl to bat her eyes at him. Does that make sense?
So.. by the sounds of things you're not really worried about anything, which isn't exactly how you're supposed to sell yourself to the brother of the guy you supposedly like. Last I checked, you're supposed to make it sound like you'd fight for him - not just let him run off. But, if that's all you have to say about it, I'm really glad I actually came. At least now I have reason enough to talk him out of this.
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