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@bakinandaids-blog
Weird fucked up clarity time, boys and girls...
Sometimes I find myself thinking that people that are enjoying their lives have managed, for a brief stint, to convince themselves they don't remember what home feels like. And, temporarily ceasing to miss it manage to imagine their happiness is real.
You’re enough.
You don't know how badly I'd love to believe this
Tired.
I am so tired of being trapped in this decaying body. Trapped in this bleak town, where finding someone who actually reads and thinks is all but a lost cause. Most here prefer to play hockey, drink to excess, and get into fights with one another. I'm fucking tired of being teased with just a tiny sample of a good life, a companion, a connection... Something to make my time imprisoned within this species somewhat bearable. Only to have it ripped away for reasons completely beyond my control. The reasons don't even matter anymore, I know the pattern all too well- I've been kicked in the balls by it for 33 years now. A third of a goddamn century, and probably close to half my sentence here. I'm tired of being bullied by god, the universe, the herd in which I live.
And There it is
That laugh, again...
I heard myself laugh today Really heard myself And it was a cold, Hollow sound.
The laugh of a heart Defeated. The sound of hope Crushed Again and again Until only reality was left.
The sound Of nothing to lose And even less left to gain.
Manic Unhinged Almost anguished, But there was no hurt left to feel
I heard myself laugh today And it didn’t even scare me
I give up.
Deadpool says life is an endless series of train wrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness...
What happens when your subconscious learns the pattern, and you begin to fear those breaks because you know they’re just setting you up for the next big hurt..? What the fuck do you do then?
I am so tired of giving my everything and getting nothing Not even a small measure in return
The only selfie I don't hate. Probably only because Emm is in it. She always makes things better than they are otherwise.
It’s sad when you’ve already learned to be a part of someone’s life and then end up being strangers.
Friendship (via forgettingisforgiving)
This is why I live alone with my dog, and plan to always live alone with my dogs. Because, by and large, fuck people.
throw your heart gently into the volcano
I've tried time and again It slipped through my fingers Time and again
Filthy and bruised As it rolled down the mountainside Time and again
And this time I fear It may be lost. This time I'm finally too tired to search
Doesn’t that astonish you. You did want me. Say it again.
Gertrude Stein, from Poems Between Women: Four Centuries of Love, Romantic Friendship and Desire; “Lifting Belly (II)” (via wethinkwedream)
At least, you were good at convincing me you did
This is the lucky clover cat. reblog this in 30 seconds & he will bring u good luck and fortune.
At this point, it can't hurt.
You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart.
(via stayholden-phonyboy)
There is not much there to risk. I'm still struggling to come to terms with being here against my will.
Man’s heart away from nature becomes hard.
Standing Bear (via landscape-photo-graphy)
Man's heart, able to look but not touch nature becomes bitter.
You can hear how much a person loves and wants you when they say your name
That must be why I've always hated the sound of my name
Maybe I'm selfish
I want sparks when you see me and butterflies when we talk. I want date nights like we once had without you looking at the phone. I want date nights altogether because I can’t get you on your own anymore. I want kisses when I don’t expect them. I want love that isn’t conditional. I’d like our love to be timeless and for you to make some time. I want you to realise that I moved to the middle of nowhere for you and I’m stuck here with myself. I want you to realise that I know I’ll be spending the entire day alone until you come home. I want you to know that my day is wasted if I don’t even get to spend the evening with you. I want a love like it once was when we would bask in each others company. I want you to know that cuddles and sex in the morning and night aren’t enough. I want to be in your thoughts sometimes.
I don’t want to be neglected.
I don't think it's selfish at all. In a world where survival depends upon further enriching the life of someone already much better off than yourself, where any little scrap of illusory freedom is both hard-won and fleeting...I think it's only natural to want a love that doesn't get used to you.
I want a love I never get used to. The idea of that seems like the only thing that can make this world feel like something other than a cheap plastic diorama.
