You say it’s crazy, but idgaf because it saved me.
The song at the end will always make me a bit emo because it’s so true. Those fucking twinks saved my life and I’m so grateful.
I was 11/12 (late 2011 early 2012 timeframe) when I stated watching their videos. I related a lot to Dan but loved Phil’s lighthearted nature. The joint content was my kryptonite. I lived for pinof and random joint vids on Phil’s channel. The super amazing project was my favorite thing every week. When they started the gaming channel I was so pumped. It was my comfort content. It was the first place that I felt like I wasn’t alone.
The reality of my childhood was very sad. I had no friends. I was homeschooled. I had people that were nice to me and talked to me when I saw them at church but everyone went to school together and talked about things I don’t understand. I was exceptionally lonely. I didn’t get along with anyone in my house. My mom and I fought DAILY. My dad was an emotionally distant disciplinarian. My brother and I hated each other until we became adults. I was so very alone until I discovered YouTube.
Watching YouTube was my escape. It was my getaway. It was the only thing that distracted me from the unbearably long days I spent at home in a toxic environment. I found my people through YouTube. I joined tumblr at age 12 because of Dan (terrible influence) and lived for their YouNow streams. I connected with people who love them as much as I did. I found a creative outlet. (reading and writing phanfiction at 2am 🫣) I found a place I felt comfortable and safe.
Things changed for me as I got older. I turned into who everyone around me wanted me to be. I changed parts of my personality to fit in with people I didn’t even really like and now are not even in my life anymore. I drifted from watching Dan and Phil and this community. In 2017 I stopped watching them almost entirely. I still was subscribed and watch occasionally but I wasn’t the insane Phannie I was once. (maybe a good thing??) I watched both of their coming out videos in 2019. I didn’t find out they went on a hiatus until 2020 when I returned to YouTube for comfort content (during lock down) and realized they hadn’t uploaded a video in 2 years!! I checked in on their solo channels, Dan was mia, and Phil’s content felt different. They had changed so much in the few years I wasn’t keeping up and it hurt. It hurt to feel like I had missed out on so much. Looking back now it was good change. No one should stay the same forever. I’m so glad Phil was able to evolve as a content creator but as he’s said before it was just a weird time.
It wasn’t until the gaming channel came back in 2023 that I fully reconnected. It healed a part of me I didn’t know was still hurting. They came back at a point in my life when I was very confused and lost. I had dropped out of college and had no plan for my life. (I still don’t really) But it was healing to feel a part of something again. The past 2 years have been some of the best of my life mostly because of this community. They have reminded me how much I loved this community and all of its insane, feral ways. I bought tickets to TIT as soon as it was announced because I knew I had to be part of this. I never got to go to TATINOF because my family couldn’t afford it and II happened after I was already out of the loop. I hold my memories of TIT so close to my heart and it was a night I will never forget. Reliving that night during the livestream was incredible.
Thank you to Dan and Phil for creating a show that healed my inner child and created a safe space for me as an adult. Thank you for putting up with the feral roombas. Thank you for forgiving us for what we did to you. Just thank you.
