I'm So Sorry (Part 4)
Whumptober 2021: #5. Betrayal, #9. Tears, #16. Scars, #31. Hurt & Comfort
Fandom: Batman, Batfam, Jason Todd, Dick Grayson
Word Count: 7157 (my longest piece to date)
TW: Gun
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4
As soon as Jason woke up, he knew something was wrong but he couldn’t remember what. His head was pounding, and every muscle ached. With a slight groan, he threw his arm over to your side of the bed – but it was empty. Sitting up, he looked around the vacant apartment. It wasn’t until his eyes landed on the crumpled, bloody pile of clothes in the corner of the room that it all came rushing back to him. His capture, the warehouse, the Joker, Y/N – oh my god! Y/N!
Jason flew from the bed and hurriedly began getting dressed. He couldn’t believe he left you at the hospital like that. Last night was still pretty much a blur. The drugs in his system had made it difficult to focus and he remembered his brain sort of shut down after he found out that you were the Joker’s daughter. A small shiver ran down his spine and he froze. The revelation hit him once again like a ton of bricks. You were the Joker’s daughter. And for the past two years, while Jason shared every horrifying detail from his past, you had been keeping this from him.
A storm of conflicting emotions and thoughts raced through his mind. One part of him truly understood why you hadn’t told him the truth. You knew what the Joker had done to him, how Jason felt about the clown. And, even under the perfect circumstances, Jason knew he would have never taken this news well. Another part of him was disgusted at the thought of having been with someone with Joker DNA. Every touch, every kiss, every night spent together now felt tainted and wrong. Another part of him was disgusted with himself for feeling that way. You don’t get to pick who your parents are, and Jason knew what it was like getting the short end of the stick when it came to sucky parents. So how could he hold that against you?
But the thing that he kept coming back to, the thing that bothered him the most about the entire situation, was how you had treated his scars. Ever since the night he had finally worked up the courage to show you how damaged he truly was, you had always treated his scars with a sort of reverence. There was never any horror, never any disgust, never any pity. There was just love and understanding. Most nights he would fall asleep with your lips ghosting over each one, soothing the memories that raged in his head. But now, those moments were poisoned by the knowledge that it was your father who made those scars, and the fact you knew. You knew. How could you do that? How could you look at them every single day and not tell him the truth? How could you just sit there and watch him struggle with his past and still not say anything?
The same way he had just sat there and watched as the sounds of your screams filled his ears as the Joker cut into you.
He slowly sank back down at the foot of the bed as he replayed the events of last night. He had been so caught up in your betrayal, he had forgotten about his. He had just sat there and watched as the Joker, your father, had mutilated you. He had just sat there and watched as you grew weaker and weaker, blood pooling at your feet. He had just sat there and watched as you used what little strength you had left to call out his name, over and over again, no matter how much it pained you to speak with your fresh wounds. And once Dick had arrived, Jason had still done nothing to help you. He had flinched away from the slightest contact and avoided looking at you as if your visage would turn him to stone. He had even almost let you bleed out in the hospital parking lot all because he wouldn’t carry you the fifty feet to get you help.
New waves of disgust and loathing rolled through his body, but this time, directed at himself. No matter how mad he was at you, no matter how confused or hurt he was by the truth, no matter how the drugs were affecting his system, there was no excusing his behavior. How was he ever supposed to face you again? What could he possibly say that could make this alright?
Grabbing his phone off the bedside table, Jason did a double take when he saw the date and time. Apparently, he had been asleep for the past 29 hours. Which also explained the flood of missed phone calls and texted he had from Dick, Bruce, Tim, and Damian. He ignored everyone else’s messages for now and quickly began listening to Dick’s.
“Jay, where are you? Are you okay? Why did you just walk off like that? Please call me back. Y/N should be waking up soon and it would mean a lot if you were here when she did.”
“Hey, Jason. Y/N just woke up for a few minutes. She can’t speak right now, but she still found a way to ask about you. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say about why you’re not here. Are you coming back soon? Please, Jay. She really needs you.”
“Bruce said you’re not answering any calls from him, Tim, or Damian either. Come on, Jay, please let somebody know you are alright. Just a quick call, a text, a carrier pigeon for all I care, just something!”
“Just in case you ever do bother to stop by, you should know she’s developed an aversion to touch. I guess it might be some sort of PTSD from the warehouse, but she freaks out whenever anyone touches her….. Except me. Not sure why. But the doctors are having a hard time treating her because of it. So, if – when – you come to see her, don’t touch her unless she tells you to. I – uh – I’m not sure how she will react to your touch. Sorry.”
“Jason Peter Todd! You get your ass over here right now! That poor girl has been through enough without you adding to it. I don’t care what happened, you can’t do this to her!”
“…… Jay…. please…… She, um…. They let her see her face without the bandages…… It’s not good, man…… She… she just really needs you right now. So, whatever happened, just please….”
“She woke up screaming for you last night, tore half the stitches out of her cheeks. They had to rush her back into surgery just to try and stop the bleeding………… Jay, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. Please, I think she’s getting worse. She needs you…… I need you….”
“I know this is terrible to say, but part of me hopes you’re lying in a ditch somewhere and that’s why you’re not responding or coming to see her. Because at this point, any other explanation is just……………… I hope you’re okay.”
Jason held back the sob that threatened to burst from his chest. Oh god. Jason buried his head in his hands. What have I done? He needed to see you. He needed to make sure you were okay……but he couldn’t. He wanted to run to your hospital room, beg for your forgiveness and promise to never leave your side again……but he couldn’t. He still loved you, God did he love you, but he couldn’t forgive you, he couldn’t forgive himself. Not yet at least. He needed time to figure out everything.
He began throwing all of his belonging into an old suitcase. Clothes, books, whatever junk he knew was his, all unceremoniously swept into the bag. He hesitated when he got to the framed picture from the day he proposed. He lightly ran his finger over your face, you dazzling smile shone like a spotlight directly at his heart. Would you ever be able to smile like that at him again? Would you ever want to? Would he ever be able to look at your face without remembering how you both had let each other down? Sighing, he placed the frame back on the table and finished packing his stuff.
When he was finished, Jason took one final look around the apartment the two of you shared. Had shared. May one day share again. Then he turned his back and walked out the door.
“You’re a real bastard, you know that? No warning, no explanation of any kind. You just had me bring her home to an empty apartment. How could you do that? That absolutely destroyed her! You better get your shit together and soon because you might not be able to get yourself out of this hole you’re digging.”
“She wrote me a letter explaining everything. I’m so sorry, Jay. I….I’m so sorry. I still think what you’re doing is wrong, but I have a better understanding of why you’re acting like this. But she can’t help who her father is. I’m begging you, talk to her. Either end things or try to work things out, but please just talk to her. She’s not in a good place and… I’m scared to leave her alone. She needs you, or at least needs to know for sure it’s over so she can start trying to move on. So, please, I know it’s hard, but please talk to her.”
Jason closed his eyes as he listened to Dick’s most recent messages from a few hours ago. He hadn’t really thought about how you would react to seeing his stuff missing from the apartment. In the moment, he had just thought it would be better this way while he sorted out all of his feelings. But once again, he had screwed everything up. He needed to make things right.
For the first time since walking out a few days ago, Jason returned to your apartment building. He needed to see you, but he really didn’t want to deal with Dick just yet and based on his messages, there was a good chance his brother was still here. So, Jason quickly scaled up the fire escape until he was just outside your bedroom window. Peering in, he got his first glimpse of you since he had dropped you off at the hospital.
You were curled up in a tight ball on his side of the bed. His favorite pillow (the only thing of his he hadn’t grabbed when he left) was tightly smushed in your arms as you squeezed it close to your chest, despite the fact one of your arms was still in a sling. Bandages covered the bottom half of your face, obscuring the damage that lay beneath. Even in sleep, Jason could see your face was scrunched up and tense and your eyes were puffy as if you had just been crying.
Jason quietly slid the window open and started to crawl through, but when he caught a glimpse of the nightstand, he instantly froze in place. Laying discarded, half covered by a used tissue, was your engagement ring. The one you had promised never to take off. It shouldn’t have hurt him this badly. He was the one who left without a word, leaving the status of your relationship unclear. You had every right to take it off, but the sight of it tossed aside so unceremoniously broke something in him. With a final glance in your direction, Jason backed out of the window and hurried down to the ground below.
“She doesn’t have to wear the bandages anymore… The scars look better than they did, but she can’t stand anyone looking at them. She has been finding some pretty creative ways to keep them hidden…. But, uh, one time when she thought I wasn’t around, I – uh – I heard her say it was no surprise you left her when she has that sickening reminder of what she was carved on her face…… Don’t put her through this. Don’t make her hate herself more than she already does. Please, come talk to her.”
“She’s doing a little better. I brought her to the manor for dinner now that everyone knows the truth. She still couldn’t handle anyone touching her, but besides that, it went really well. Damian actually said some astonishingly comforting things which I think seemed to really help her. And Bruce… they had a private chat and she came back lighter than I’ve seen her since this whole thing started. But she still misses you, Jay. She told me that she doesn’t blame you for any of this. She is taking full responsibility for all of this and she says she understands why you’re gone…… Jay, that girl is so much better than you ever deserved and if you want a chance of winning her back, you better try and fix this soon. Before she finds someone who treats her the way she should be treated.”
Sitting on the rooftop of the building across from your apartment, Jason took another long drag on his cigarette, watching as the smoke danced above his head. It had been over a week since the night in the warehouse and he was still trying to come to terms with everything that happened. And Dick’s messages weren’t making things any easier. He kept talking about how much you missed him and needed him to come back, but Jason couldn’t stop thinking about your ring laying on the table next to the bed. If you still wanted him so much, why did you take it off? Maybe it was too late for him. Maybe Dick was right, and you had moved on to someone better.
He also couldn’t help but feel a tiny surge of jealousy when Dick talked about you on the messages. Jason had been frequently hanging out up here, just to keep an eye on things. While he respected your privacy enough to not look into the apartment itself, he had caught glimpses of you and Dick together as you left or entered the building. The two of you had always gotten along great but Jason could see a closeness that hadn’t been there before. He bristled whenever he saw Dick touch your arm or help you adjust the scarf around your mouth, fingers brushing gently across your cheeks. He wondered if you would allow him to do that if he came back, if you could tolerate his touch like you welcomed Dick’s.
With a sigh, Jason crushed the remains of his cigarette under his boot and decided he had better start heading back to his safehouse. He was pretty sure none of his family knew about this one, so he figured it would be the best place to lay low. As he descended to the street, he noticed someone else watching your building. Someone in a very familiar clown mask. Without hesitation, Jason dropped the remaining thirty feet, rolled, and took off running. The clown noticed Jason just seconds before he tackled him to the ground. Hauling them both to their feet, Jason dragged his captive into the nearby alley, out of sight of passersby.
Jason slammed the man into the wall as he growled, “What the hell are you doing here? What do you want?”
“Get off of me, man! What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“Nobody in Gotham would wear that mask unless they’re working for him. Now where is he?”
“Like I’m going to tell you anything.”
Jason reached into his jacket and, in one fluid movement, pulled out his gun and shot the man pointblank in the chest. The man gasped loudly in surprise and pain as he sank to the ground struggling to breathe. Jason crouched down next to him as he held up the gun. “This gun contains rubber bullets. Probably just cracked, maybe broke, a few ribs, massive bruising, and you might want to get examined for internal bleeding, but you’ll live. But this gun –” he reached into his jacket and pullet out a second weapon “- contains actual bullets. Do I need to explain what happens if you make me use this gun?”
The man shook his head violently as he struggled to choke out his words, “N-no. He told me t-to watch some girl. Jus-just keep an eye on her. That’s it, I-I swear!”
“Good. Now,” Jason dug the muzzle of the second gun into the man’s chest. “Where. Is. He.”
“Why am I even still trying? You obviously don’t care about her or me. It’s been a month, Jason, and no one has heard a word from you. I reached out to Roy, Kori, Artemis, I checked all your safe houses, nothing. I can’t keep trying if you won’t even give me a sign you’re still out there. So, this will be my last call. The ball’s in your court now. Have a nice life.”
It had taken almost three weeks, but Jason had managed to track him down. He knew if he had asked Dick or Bruce for help he probably could have found him sooner, however Jason knew neither one of them would approve of what he was planning to do. But he didn’t care. He was going to make sure the Joker would never hurt anyone he loved ever again.
It didn’t take him very long to sneak into the building and locate his target. For some reason, he seemed to be the only person in the room, like he was expecting the company. But it didn’t matter, because within seconds, Jason was across the room with the Joker pinned underneath of him.
“Well, well, well, Red! Back for more? I have to admit, we had so much fun the last time, but it seems we’re down a player! How’s our girl doing?”
Jason didn’t respond. He just slammed his fist into the Joker’s face. Repeatedly. Every punch elicited another round of laughter cackling from the clown’s mouth. Finally, Jason stepped back in disgust. He pulled out his gun and pointed it directly at the Joker’s head. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to do this? How many people I could have saved if I had done this when I first got back? The pain I could have spared her from!”
“Uh oh. Batsy’s not going to like this! You know he has rules about this sort of thing.”
“I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt her again!” Jason’s finger tightened on the trigger. Just another twitch and this nightmare would be over for good. But……he couldn’t do it. Because, staring at the monster before him, he realized……you wouldn’t want this. Not for the Joker’s sake, you had made it clear you wanted nothing to do with your father. But you wouldn’t want this for Jason. He could almost hear your voice whispering, lips brushing against his ear as your fingers glided over his, Baby, don’t do this. Don’t let him take everything that you’ve worked so hard to regain. Don’t throw everything away on him. He’s not worth it.
Jason quietly muttered back, “I have to. He’ll keep coming and coming and we’ll never be free of him. This is the only way.”
And what happens to you? To us? Bruce will never forgive you for this. You’ll lose your entire family. Again. Please, just walk away now. Come back to me. Jay, come home.
He had thought that if he finally killed the Joker, it would somehow help him come to terms with the fact that he was your father. But as Jason looked down at the man who had repeatedly ruined his life, he realized he honestly didn’t care. You weren’t him. Even if the two of you shared DNA, you were nothing like him. And you couldn’t fake the amazing, brilliant, sweet, loving person you were. It couldn’t have been an act. It was real. And in that instant, he realized he could accept the lie and, what’s more, he could move on from it. He just needed you back. His rock, his life, his love.
So, Jason slowly lowered the gun and hissed, “I won’t kill you this time because she wouldn’t want me to waste a bullet on you. But I swear on my undead life, if I see you or a single one of your men within a ten-block radius of her ever again, I will kill you with my bare hands. Batman be damned.”
The Joker chuckled coldly. “Maybe I was wrong about you, Red. Maybe you are good enough for my little girl after all.”
“She’s not your anything.” And without looking back, Jason walked out of the building.
“………Hey, man. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I know I screwed everything up. But I want to thank you for taking such good care of her when I couldn’t. You stepped up and did what I should have done, and I can never repay you for that… I’m on my way to talk to her now. I’m not sure what’s going to happen or how it’s going to go but…… I just need you to know Dick, I…I couldn’t have asked for a better brother. Thank you for everything.”
Jason didn’t know what he was going to say when he got to your apartment. He just knew he needed to see you, and he needed to see you now. He raced through the city streets as fast as his motorcycle would let him, weaving in and out of the heavy traffic, stopping only briefly at a gas station to clean the Joker’s blood off his knuckles. He arrived at your apartment just a few minutes after 2:00. It seemed like all the lights were off and he figured you were probably asleep, but he didn’t care. He should have done this a month ago, and he wasn’t going to wait any longer.
He only hesitated when he reached your front door, not quite sure how to get in. Just for the hell of it, he tried his key and was astonished to find it still worked. He had been certain you or Dick would have changed them the moment he left, and he felt a little more hopeful as he entered the once familiar apartment.
It was strange being here when everything looked so similar yet so different. The mirror that had always hung in the entrance way was gone and, in its place, hung one of Damian’s paintings. The toaster sitting on the counter was not the shiny silver one he bought you as a housewarming gift but was instead a large black matte one. But as he headed back to the bedroom, he smiled to see the photo of the two of you was still displayed on the table where he had left it. His hopes raised even more.
Slowly, he opened your bedroom door to see you fast asleep in the bed. Once again, you were curled up on his side of the bed, though his pillow was tossed carelessly on the floor. The bandages and sling were gone but you were turned in such a way, he couldn’t get a good look at your face. He wasn’t sure what to do now. He didn’t want to scare you, an intruder in your room in the middle of the night, but he also didn’t want to just wait around until you woke up.
Luckily, his dilemma was soon solved as you rolled over and sat up, covers pulled up to your nose, but staring straight at him. In the dim lighting, he had trouble making out much more than your silhouette, but he didn’t want to spook you by turning on a light. Jason opened his mouth to say something, anything, but you cut him off with a flat, emotionless tone, “If you’re here to kill me, can you please make it quick?”
Your words were like a dagger through his heart. Regardless of what had happened, regardless of the pain either one of you felt, the fact that you thought he could ever lay a finger on you, tore into him. As he fought back tears, he managed to choke out, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
It wasn’t exactly how he planned on starting this conversation, but he was so shaken by your reaction to his presence, it just kind of slipped out.
“Jay –” He felt electricity flood through his body as you said his nickname, it felt so familiar, so welcoming, “- son.” But then he felt his spirit crash once again, his hopes dashed. You hardly ever addressed him as Jason. It was always Jay or Baby or Babe. Jason was only around others or when he had seriously ticked you off.
He listened as you told him about how you had once planned on telling him about your father and he remembers that time perfectly. You had been running around all week, planning a special dinner with all of his favorites. You wouldn’t tell him why, just that you wanted to do something nice for him. It was the final straw. Jason had been struggling with whether or not to tell you about his past and his nightly activities. He was afraid how you would react, afraid you would reject him. But this final act of kindness and sincerity convinced him that you needed to know. So, he had taken your hands right then and there and told you everything. You had listened silently, your face a mix of panic and awe which made so much more sense now. You had taken that night to come to terms with the news, but by the next day everything had seemed normal. And your dinner had gone off perfectly. In fact, that was the night he had first told you he loved you.
But looking back on it now, he knew that you were right. If you had revealed your secret as well in that moment or at dinner a few days later, he would have left. He would have felt too betrayed, too vulnerable to stay. And your relationship would have ended just as it was truly beginning. You did the only thing you could have done in that situation. And he accepted that.
“But then that stupid newspaper announcement came out….”
That damn newspaper announcement. Jason had told Dick and Tim not to do it, that it bothered you too much. But they both cared for you and were excited to share your happiness with as many people as possible. And Jason was too. He hadn’t fought them on it when Tim let slip that they had stolen Bruce’s credit card to pay for it. In fact, Jason loved having any excuse to spend Bruce’s money, so he had pretended he hadn’t heard. If he had stopped them like you had asked, the Joker would never have found you. Just another thing Jason did horribly wrong.
“Of course, I knew my dad had killed one of the Robins but how was I supposed to know that he came back to life, or who he was behind the mask? How was I supposed to know that the man I loved, was also the man who saved my life, by giving his?”
Now Jason was confused. Up until this point of your story, he had followed everything you said. In fact, it all made such perfect sense to him that he was feeling worse and worse about how he overreacted to finding out the truth. But this? They hadn’t known each other when he was killed. They didn’t meet until months after he came back to Gotham. So, how did he save you by dying?
“l had wanted to escape from him for so long, but I never had a chance, there was never that perfect opportunity….. Until he killed you.”
Jason jerked, body tensing, unsure of where you were going with this justification. But as you explained, relief and a sense of peace settled over him like a cooling rain. For the eight years since he was killed, Jason had searched for a reason, a purpose, some good that made all his torment worth it. Because if he went to Hell and back with nothing to show for it, what was the point? But now…. For the first time since that bomb exploded in Ethiopia, Jason felt whole again. It did matter. His death did serve a purpose. And he was rewarded for the pain and suffering he had endured. He had met you. His death meant something because it freed you. And he would have died a thousand more deaths if he had known what he was given in return.
“I have lived with this guilt since the day it happened. I recognized that for me to gain my happiness, someone else had to lose their life. And I carried that with me every day. But then when you told me that you were that Robin, that you had come back…. It seemed like fate. And, I don’t know, I guess a small part of me thought, why fight fate? So, I never told you the truth. And I’m sorry, Jason, I’m so sorry.”
It took every ounce of willpower and strength Jason had to not tackle you into the biggest, tightest hug he could manage. He wanted to wrap his arms around you and never let go, just lay there until you both just wasted away to nothing. He wanted to trail kisses over every inch of your body while whispering how sorry he was and how much he loved you. And he knew if he stayed in this room for a few more seconds, he would not be able to fight the urge any longer. But, he also knew that there was a good chance you wouldn’t be able to handle him even just holding your hand or rubbing your back. He didn’t want to pressure you but if he didn’t leave now, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. So, he slowly backed out of the room and shut the door.
Jason pressed his head heavily against the wooden barrier that now separated the two of you. His entire body was vibrating with the desire to rush back in and scoop you into his arms, but he fought it. The desire became even stronger when he heard your first wail burst forth from the other side of the door. He backed up until he collided with the far wall and slid down to the floor. He buried his head in his knees as tears fell down his cheeks. He could feel your howls reverberating through his chest as he tried to maintain his composure. Don’t go in there, not tonight. You’ll only make things worse. Don’t do it, you idiot. You’ll just hurt her more if you do. Think about what she needs for once in your God damn life and not just about what you want.
He sat there for hours before he heard your wails shift to sobs into moans. Finally, it seemed as if you had drifted off into a restless sleep. As he slowly began unfolding himself, he felt every muscle in his body screaming out in pain from being clenched so tightly for so long. But, he did his best to stagger to his feet and make it to the living room. Clearing some of the pillows, he collapsed onto the couch in the hopes of getting a few hours of sleep. He just prayed tomorrow went better than tonight.
A soft rustling sound woke Jason the next morning. Cracking one eye, he could see you moving around the kitchen with your back to him as you made your morning coffee. He didn’t dare move in case you hadn’t noticed him, but he watched you through the slit of his eye. Every small move or gesture you made, caused Jason’s heart to flutter. He missed you so much. He watched as you grabbed your cup and turned to leave, so he quickly closed both eyes and slowed his breathing. He could feel you approach the couch and place something on the edge of the table next to his head. And just like that, you were gone. Sitting up, Jason looked over and saw a fresh cup of coffee, with creamer and nutmeg. Just the way he liked it. Smiling, he stood up and walked down the hall.
The bedroom door was cracked open just a little bit, but Jason still knocked softly.
“Come in.”
Jason hesitated for just a second, took a deep breath and opened the door.
In the light of the morning, it was the first time either one of you got a good look at the other. Jason watched as your eyes scanned his face, certain you noticed the dark circles under his eyes and the exhaustion caused by everything from the last month weighing on him. But he prayed you also saw the love and lightness he was feeling after your talk last night. He hoped you didn’t see the shame and pain he felt as he took in your appearance.
Your eyes were puffy and tearstained from countless nights of crying yourself to sleep. Your hair was pulled back but even then, Jason could tell it was greasy and unwashed. Your body was painfully thin, and he wondered if you had been eating at all since he left, or how difficult it was for you to eat with your scars. Scars which were currently hidden behind a brightly colored scarf.
Both of you just looked at each other, neither sure what to do next. Finally, Jason broke the silence, “Thanks for the coffee. Just how I like it.”
“I remember.”
Silence again.
“So, uh, Dick’s been filling me in some on how you’ve been.”
“Yeah, he mentioned he left you a bunch of messages, but you never responded.”
“Yeah….. I was… I was keeping an eye on things just to make sure you were safe. I saw you and Dick together. A lot.”
You shrugged. “Yeah, he comes over most days. I still have trouble with my shoulder sometimes, so he likes to make sure I’m okay since I’m here by……”
“…….Yeah. Well, you seemed close. I’m glad you had somebody who was there for you when I…. I’m glad you have Dick.” Jason shifted uncomfortably, eyes trailed on the floor.
You stared at him in confusion. “Jason…. Do you think I have feelings for your brother?” Jason didn’t answer, but that itself was an answer. “Dick is just a friend. The best friend I have ever had, but just a friend. Besides, even if I was interested in him, which I’m not, he mentioned he and Babs are trying to work things out again…… Did you really think I could move on so quickly?”
“I don’t know. After the way I acted, and Dick said you should find someone better, and you took off your ri-”Jason stopped, looking at your hand. “You’re wearing your ring.”
“Yeaahh…. Why did you think I wouldn’t be?”
Jason blushed crimson as he mumbled. “I might have come to check on you one time and found you asleep. So, I started climbing in through the window but then noticed your ring on the table. I thought…”
Your face softened, “Oh, no, Jay, never. I had an……incident earlier that day and cut my hand on some broken glass. Dick made me take it off so he could stop the bleeding. But as soon as the bandage came off, I put it back on. I promised you I wouldn’t take it off. And except for that one extenuating circumstance, I never considered it.”
Jason felt like an idiot, well a bigger idiot than before. He should have had more faith in you. He was the one who screwed this up and he was the one who made it worse. He gestured softly to the bed, “Can I… Would it be okay if I sat?”
You nodded.
Jason sat down on the very edge of the bed, giving you as much space as he could. He ran a hand through his tousled hair and tried to figure out where to start. Finally, with a deep breath, he began, “Y/N, I am so sorry for everything. That night….I don’t know what happened. It was just everything, so much, just all at once, that I-I short circuited. Just kind of shut down. When I left the hospital, I came back here and crashed for like a day and a half. By the time I ‘rebooted’, I had like twenty messages from Dick, you were already awake, you had already had to go back into surgery, and I….I just left you there.” Jason’s voiced cracked as he got to end of his rant. He was looking down at his hands, so he didn’t have to see your expression. “I was so disgusted with myself, and I was trying to come to terms with this atomic sized bomb that had just been dropped in my lap, but I just left you there.”
This time, Jason wasn’t able to control himself and he broke down into a full-body sob. Folded in half, leaning over the side of the bed, he finally let go of all the emotions he had been bottling up for the past month. The anger, the fear, the hatred, the disgust, the sadness, and the love. All of it came flooding out all at once. And just when he didn’t think he could cry any harder, he did as a single hand rested gently on his back. Without thinking, he whirled around and engulfed you in his arms. He waited for you to tense up, to struggle against him in panic. But instead, you melted into him, pulling the two of you even closer together.
You laid there as you both cried, letting all of the pain of the past month ebb away. Just holding each other, feeling as your breathing synced, as your hearts beat as one.
Finally, Jason began to pull away slightly, but you stopped him, “No! Don’t!”
Scrambling, you tried to reposition the scarf that had fallen from your mouth. But Jason reached up and softly stopped you. Lowering your hands, he got his first real look at the damage to your face. He tried not to react to the large, puckered wounds that stretched up from either side of your mouth. Even with the slight pout you had at the moment, the scars gave the impression you were smiling, a big, twisted smile. It made Jason sick to look at them, but not for the reason either of you had feared. No, what made him sick was thinking about all the pain and loathing you had endured this past month without him. All the times you needed him for reassurance and support that he wasn’t there. That you had fought for so long and so hard to free yourself from this monster and now you had a permanent reminder of that life carved on your skin.
Jason saw your frozen stare as you tried to gauge his reaction. Trying to see if he could handle this new addition to your face or if it would be too much for him to bear. So, Jason took your face between his hands and gently ran his thumbs over each side of the scars. He watched as you tilted your head back in utter relief as silent tears slipped from under your closed eyes. Drawing you closer, he placed a feather light kiss at the top of the left scar, then slowly peppered more kisses down the length of it until just before he reached your mouth. Then he shifted to the top of the right scar and repeated the action until he got back to your mouth once more. This time, he placed a long, passionate kiss on your lips, infusing it with all the love and acceptance he could. You returned his kiss with just as much intensity.
When you both broke apart to catch your breath, you continued to lay on the bed, staring deeply into one another’s eyes.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”
“Babe, you have nothing to be sorry about. It took me a long time, but I get why you did it. You did the right thing. I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure that out.”
“How can you be so okay with all of this? Especially after what I told you last night?”
“What? The thing about my death being your salvation? Shit, babe. I mean, I always told you I would die for you, I just didn’t realize I already had.”
“Jay, it’s not funny!”
“Then why are you laughing?”
You snuggled down deeper into Jason’s chest. “I’m just so happy you’re here. Do you-do you think you’ll stay?”
“If-if you’ll let me.” Jason sat up just a little, making you raise your eyes to meet his. “But seriously, what you said last night. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“You gave me something I’ve been looking for since the day it happened. You gave my death a purpose, a reason. All this time, I thought it was just a pointless act of violence that sent me spiraling down a dark path of death and destruction. But I understand now. It had to happen in order for me to have you. My death matters because it brought me the woman I love.”
You breathed the next words so quietly, Jason could barely make them out. “Jay, you still love me?”
“Of course, I do. Even when I was at my lowest point, I never stopped.”
Suddenly, both of you heard a noise coming from the other room. Then there was a sharp rap at the door seconds before it opened. The two of you stared frozen at Dick and Dick stared frozen back at the two of you. He blinked a few times in surprise and then threw up his hands as he stormed out. “Okay, that’s it. I’m done.”
“Come on, Dickie! I called you! Learn to check your messages!”
“Screw you, Jason!” Dick’s voice rang out from the kitchen. But then, he stuck his head back through the bedroom door. “Oh, but if you guys want to come by the manor tonight, Alfred’s making meatloaf.” He gave Jason a warm smile and a nod, then ducked out again.
Once he had left, Jason wrapped his arms tight around you again. “So, I guess we have dinner plans tonight.”
You smiled, and Jason was happy to still see your same dazzling, spotlight smile shining through the scars. “So….. That gives us all afternoon to ourselves…… Any ideas?”
Jason smirked as he pulled you close. “Oh, I’m sure we can think of something……”
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Thank you to everyone who has taken this journey with me! This story ended up so much bigger than I expected and I have had such positive feedback! So thank you to all of you and I hope you enjoyed it!
