What gives you the right to leave someone? In what world is it okay for you to say
And then leave across the country without a goodbye?
And this is not my fault, before you start. I stared out my window for hours
Waiting for you to show up.
I told you for weeks I would find the time because you were worth it.
Because you were worth 270 miles to me. And long stretches of highway.
But I couldn’t have gone to you.
Your mother would have killed me on the spot, even if it was to say goodbye.
And you couldn’t drive the extra hour one weekend prior because
It was “ more important to see two of your friends.”
What the hell was I then?
What the hell is that supposed to say to me? Because it feels like heartbreak
It feels like excuses I didn’t ask for.
You’re a country away, there’s no need to lie anymore.
Stop sending me postcards signed “love” and start being honest.
You don’t have to clean up your mess.
Now someone else gets to stop me from crying and remind me to breathe.
Someone else has to fill your shoes.
But since there was no goodbye
I haven’t lit the “vacancy” sign on my heart yet.
Since there was no goodbye
I don’t even know if I have a right to cry.
You couldn’t tell me to hold on.
But you also didn’t say “let go”
And the care package was nice, but what am I supposed to do with more of your stuff when it feels like you’re never coming back to claim it?
Right now it’s in piles which will eventually surround me
Except in the space you left
But instead I fill that with the words you should have said and promises you made but never kept.
Not to mention the letters to your brother I wrote but never sent.
Because why should I give him closure when you left me
And no hope that you were thinking of me too.
What am I supposed to tell him?
His idea of heartbreak is not being allowed to sit next to the only girl in class without cooties because the teacher says they talk too much.
That’s clearly not a lesson he learned from you. Because you never want to talk.
If you heard this poem, you would probably say,
“Have a good night, we can talk when you feel better.”
But I’m saying this to feel better!
I want you to tell me I’m being too emotional and of course you love me too.
And quick texts sent across our 4 hour time gap.
You crossed the Mississippi.
Just reminders that you’re getting farther away.
Notifications that leave me wishing I could pinch the continent together like I can a map.
And you are solid like stone.
And I should know from loving you
That no amount of tears or wishes or anger Will make you come back.
None of these will fill the space.
