YOU ARE THE REASON
Claire Keane
No title available
ellievsbear
TMBGareOK. The Official They Might Be Giants tumblr
No title available
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
bliss lane
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
sheepfilms
🩵 avery cochrane 🩵
if i look back, i am lost
Cookie Run:Kingdom Official!
h
hello vonnie
The Bowery Presents
Not today Justin
roma★
Game of Thrones Daily
#extradirty
seen from Burkina Faso
seen from United States
seen from Vietnam
seen from Vietnam
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Albania
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from Indonesia
seen from Bolivia
seen from Venezuela
seen from Germany
seen from Colombia
seen from United States
seen from Spain
seen from Venezuela
seen from Malaysia
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Germany
@barkingmarauder
But some part of him realized, even as he fought to break free from Lupin, that Sirius had never kept him waiting before, Sirius had risked everything, always, to see Harry, to help him. If Sirius was not reappearing out of that archway when Harry was yelling for him as though his life depended on it, the only possible explanation was that he could not come back… That he really was… [insp]
barkingmarauder:
“Oh, no. You don’t.”
The words were out before he even had time to filter their natural sharpness. He stared down and realized he’d grabbed Remus’ arm. He loosened his grip carefully, but didn’t let go.
“Scratch that. You can have a drink,” he started again, pulling what tried very hard to be a casual yet reassuring smile, “as long as I’m with there. All the time. Without blinking. We’ll get a bottle and sit somewhere calm looking so responsible McGonagall will faint. Got it?”
He quirked an eyebrow to match the question, and slowly but deliberately let go of his arm.
The grip on his arm is nearly enough to make Remus break again. He wants nothing more than to turn around and bury himself in Sirius, let him heal what can be healed and take the pain away from what can’t. But it’s not enough. HE will never be enough.
A monster like him doesn’t deserve to be LOVED.
“No. I don’t need you around. Don’t need to be coddled like I’m a goddamn baby.” Remus says, turning around just enough to sneer at Sirius. He doesn’t want to do it, not really, but he’s hurting and he doesn’t know how else to get back at this stupid world that seemed intent on taking everything that mattered away from him.
Besides, he isn’t STUPID enough to get drunk around other people. His situation might mean he has an incredibly high tolerance for alcohol just like it does for any painkiller, or it might mean he gets particularly feral after his mind has been numbed and all his inhibitions has been thrown out of the window.
Remus Lupin is a carefully constructed facade for the wild beast living inside, he knows this, but he’s never been stupid enough to make himself vulnerable enough for the mask to drop and the wolf to come out.
Until now, that is.
“Just leave me alone, BLACK.” He regrets the name the second it leaves his mouth, but he doesn’t let it show. Once he has a glass of firewhiskey he can let himself mourn about the friendship he has most likely just destroyed.
And with that, Remus Lupin clenches his teeth and looks straight ahead, walking as fast as he can to leave his best friend—his ex best friend?—behind.
For the lapse of an instant, there were things swimming in Sirius’ eyes that made bloody heartbreak pale in comparison. It hadn’t been the words. The sneer, perhaps, so familiar. The snarl, oozing poison. He clenched his fists, pulled a cold smile, and for a moment it looked like he was about to tell Remus to go fuck himself once and for all.
“That’s not the wolf speaking.” he raised his voice then, fixing his gaze on his friend’s back as he walked away. “It’s the pain. And I’m never leaving you alone, Remus.”
He stressed the word deliberately, but didn’t made a move to follow him into the castle. That was his choice. He lowered his eyes.
“I’m here forever.”
barkingmarauder:
notthesaneone:
An eyebrow lifted up as he cleared his throat, and a teasing smile spread on his face.
“Got some essay in your throat, Pads? Too dry for you? Or should I try to put a little bit less ink the next time?” He tried to make it sound like a reprimand, he truly tried, but the smile gace him away. Bloody Sirius, couldn’t he see he was attempting—and failing miserably—to be responsible?
Oh, fuck that essay. What’s so great about essays, anyways? Besides, he needs to get some more chocolate from Honeyduckes—stupid Prongs had eaten all of his last week.
His coat is in his hand just a couple seconds later, and he grins at Sirius. Chocolate and butterbeer. Definitely better than essays.
“I particularly enjoyed the notes sheet. You know, the one that had my name written in the margin.” Sirius commented with a perfectly rehearsed, impossibly wicked smile. “You should do more of those.”
He patted Remus’ back on his way across the room and rushed down the stairs, laughing through his teeth.
“Honeydukes, Moony!”
Now, Remus was a blusher. It wasn’t easy to get under his skin, not really, but once you knew which buttons to push he turned all shades of red from his throat to the tips of his ears.
The worst part was, Sirius always knew what to say. His not-so-secret unrequited crush aside, it was him who had always been able to make him blush the most and laugh the hardest. A strange combination.
“I’m going to fucking kill you, you stupid dog.” Remus mumbled, before allowing himself a small smile and following him down the stairs.
If he was still red by the time he left the common room then, well, nobody needed to know why.
The road to Hogsmeade was as uneventful as it could be, and the old whispering trees marveled no one a second time, much less a tenth. Sirius let his head fall to the side as soon as they got into the carriage, resting his weight shamelessly against his good, perfectly comfortable friend. Barely seconds later he was already asleep, snoring ocassionally at every bump on the road.
It took the carriage stopping short for him to wake up, but he barely blinked a few times and grimaced.
“Is it raining? I haven’t been able to go for a run in two whole weeks and now we have to stay inside all day?”
“The name ‘Sirius Black’ is a pun on his Animagus form of a black dog since the star Sirius is known as the Dog Star and is the brightest star in Canis Major, the Great Dog constellation.”
“If I hadn’t eaten your essay -which I definitely didn’t do and am deeply offended to see you’re even suggesting- you’d be heading into seven hours of unnecessary corrections at this very moment.”
He kept a well-rehearsed poker face as he cleared his throat. Parchment.
“And i n s t e a d you’re here having fun with your bestest friend in the world. Imagine the good memories.” He let out a theatrical sigh. “But seriously. Go get your coat.”
An eyebrow lifted up as he cleared his throat, and a teasing smile spread on his face.
“Got some essay in your throat, Pads? Too dry for you? Or should I try to put a little bit less ink the next time?” He tried to make it sound like a reprimand, he truly tried, but the smile having him away. Bloody Sirius, couldn’t he see he was attempting—and failing miserably—to be responsible?
Oh, fuck that essay. What’s so great about essays, anyways? Besides, he needs to get some more chocolate from Honeyduckes—stupid Prongs had eaten all of his last week.
His coat is in his hand just a couple seconds later, and he grins at Sirius. Chocolate and butterbeer. Definitely better than essays.
“I particularly enjoyed the notes sheet. You know, the one that had my name written in the margin.” Sirius commented with a perfectly rehearsed, impossibly wicked smile. “You should do more of those.”
He patted Remus’ back on his way across the room and rushed down the stairs, laughing through his teeth.
“Honeydukes, Moony!”
dumbledore: do not pity the dead, harry
dumbledore: pity the living, and everyone who paid money for the cursed child
notthesaneone:
It would’ve been easy—too easy, a part of him says—to simply let Sirius hold him and let all the tears fall. He was halfway there already, anyways; his shoulders were shaking and his cheeks were wet with the tears he hadn’t been able to keep in, but instead he pulls himself together and then takes a step away from Sirius.
His smell was too overwhelming. It was going to mess with what little of his mum’s perfume was still in his clothes.
“No. No, I can’t keep crying. I need to—need to do that essay, for Professor McGonagall, I’ve missed too much school already. And I need to start studying for—” There’s a pause, as Remus closes his eyes and tells himself to stay calm. The wolf inside him wants to bite and punch and find someone who can give him more scars, who can make him as broken outside as he is inside; the other, more human part of him simply wants to sleep, because maybe when he wakes up he’ll find out this is all a nightmare.
It wasn’t a nightmare. It was real, and he hated it.
GONE.
“I need a drink, that’s what I need.” He finally says, and his eyes are stone cold again. Remus doesn’t drink, too afraid of what he can do if he loses control under the effect of alcohol to let himself enjoy the warmth, but tonight he’d give just about anything for a bottle of firewhiskey.
So he turns around and walks away, letting Sirius’ smell fade and become his mum’s scent once again, and he doesn’t cry, doesn’t think, doesn’t laugh. All he does is put one foot in front of the other and guide him wherever they want.
“Oh, no. You don’t.”
The words were out before he even had time to filter their natural sharpness. He stared down and realized he’d grabbed Remus’ arm. He loosened his grip carefully, but didn’t let go.
“Scratch that. You can have a drink,” he started again, pulling what tried very hard to be a casual yet reassuring smile, “as long as I’m with there. All the time. Without blinking. We’ll get a bottle and sit somewhere calm looking so responsible McGonagall will faint. Got it?”
He quirked an eyebrow to match the question, and slowly but deliberately let go of his arm.
That simple, easy word catches him off guard.
Come on, it can’t be.
“Remus.” he says, and can’t really manage more until a few long, interminable seconds later. His mouth is disgustingly dry all of a sudden.
It shouldn’t have been your mother -it should have been mine, a part of him snarls, but he seals the rage way; it doesn’t get to poison this. Not this. This is not his to ruin.
“I’m sorry.” he finally says, barely brushing Remus’ shoulder with his hand. He doesn’t react, as if he can’t feel the touch. It’s like there’s something invisible there his fingers can’t break through. Sirius tightens his grip and pulls the broken boy back to whichever cursed earth this is. “Let’s get out of here.”
Away from the cold and the grinning moon like a clean cut on the sky. He puts an arm around Remus, tight enough to make sure he knows there’s someone with him. He doesn’t deserve this.
“Come on.”
Thump. Thump. Thump. Dead.
The sound of his heartbeat is clouding the rest of his senses, going perfectly in time with the word still repeating inside his head. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. He was the monster, not her; he was the one who deserved to die.
It wasn’t fair.
A hand grabs his jacket, still covered in the smell of his mother’s perfume and Remus thinks he might never move. All he wants to do is stay right there, with the memory of her smile still fresh in his mind and her particular smell wrapped around him like her arms used to be, and never give a fuck about anything ever again because nothing else matters.
But then he’s being pulled up, into the arms of the only boy he wants to stay with him, and he decides that, for tonight, all he needs is to be with someone he loves.
Tears are still rolling down his cheeks, and he’s still shaking and unable to contain the sobs, but maybe he doesn’t have to. Not right now, and not anymore. Because he still has Sirius; he still has his best friend right there by his side and he’s not going anywhere.
Thump. Thump. Thump. Dead.
Unlike his mother, who promised she was always going to be by his side when he needed her, and now is gone. Unlike his mother, who was taken away from him too soon.
“It’s not fair.”
“No” Sirus says. He sounds almost surprised, but he quickly regains his composure. “No, it’s not. You deserved better than this.”
He really did. Remus Lupin was a better person than he would ever be, and pain seemed to never be too far away from his changing footsteps. He deserved a life full of adventure and emtpy of scars.
All of this was a cruel joke.
“Let’s go back inside.” he whispers carefully, tugging at his friend as gently as he can. “You’ll be calmer than out here.”
He wasn’t moving. Just crying. It was painful to watch.
“I’m sorry” he tried again, even quieter. He couldn’t pretend to understand any of this. He hadn’t loved his mother for years now. And she’d be better off dead, his lingering thoughts added. He shook rage aside and started at Remus for a long moment, then pulled him into a cautious hug. “Come on, pal. It’s okay. Cry if you have to, alright. I won’t tell anyone.”
“Hey.” he mutters, and then louder. “Hey. Moony.”
It takes him a second to jump to his feet and stride towards him, grabbing him by the arms to, well- try to yank him away from the wall. The quiet boy with the kind eyes had stone under a skin made of scars.
“Stop it. Remus. Stop it.” he barks through clenched teeth. He’s got his arms. Good. He steps away and drags him along. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you now. Look at me.”
He feels shaking hands and blood. He searches his friend’s eyes and can’t read a single thought. What the fuck has gone so wrong.
“Calm down, alright?” he mutters. “Don’t make me punch you, my hand hasn’t recovered yet.”
Hell’s sake, look at me.
Punching Padfoot crosses his mind not once, but several times. It isn’t until his hand twitches, desperate to get out of his grip and land a right hook in that pretty face of his that he actually realises what he’s thinking about. And then he’s falling, falling, falling and his knees his the ground.
Gone. Gone. Gone. She was gone and there was nothing he could do.
DEAD.
The word keeps pounding in his head and Sirius has both of his hands behind his back, the pain not being nearly enough to numb all of his senses. He needs something, anything that’ll stop him from thinking.
Hesitant eyes lift up, the brightness and gentleness that used to characterise them completely drained. There was no light left, just fear and sadness and anger. Remus Lupin was broken. Always had been, he supposed, but this time it was for good. This time it was obvious, and Remus was already fearing the second the sun came out.
The sun didn’t deserve to shine anymore.
“She’s gone. Sirius, she’s gone. M’ mum’s gone.” And the words feel so foreign in his mouth, so bitter, they make his stomach turn and for a second Remus feels like he’s going to be sick.
Instead, tears start falling from his eyes.
That simple, easy word catches him off guard.
Come on, it can’t be.
“Remus.” he says, and can’t really manage more until a few long, interminable seconds later. His mouth is disgustingly dry all of a sudden.
It shouldn’t have been your mother -it should have been mine, a part of him snarls, but he seals the rage way; it doesn’t get to poison this. Not this. This is not his to ruin.
“I’m sorry.” he finally says, barely brushing Remus’ shoulder with his hand. He doesn’t react, as if he can’t feel the touch. It’s like there’s something invisible there his fingers can’t break through. Sirius tightens his grip and pulls the broken boy back to whichever cursed earth this is. “Let’s get out of here.”
Away from the cold and the grinning moon like a clean cut on the sky. He puts an arm around Remus, tight enough to make sure he knows there’s someone with him. He doesn’t deserve this.
“Come on.”
“Remus, my dear friend, you know I would never.”
Only the hint of a smile betrayed his well-rehearsed surprise, curling up the corner of his lips. He didn’t bother standing up, instead beaming up at good ol’ Moony from the comfiest armchair in the common room.
“Besides, you’ll be too busy rewriting your perfect essay to carry out that threat. That is, if you’ve got enough time. Whoops.” He feigned a wince. “Guess you’ll have to come with us to Hogsmeade after all.”
“You bloody idiot.” Remus sighs, dropping next to Sirius and rearranging his schedule in his head. A stray hand runs through his hair, thoughts running through all he had to get done before going to bed—library, transfiguration essay, potions essay, full moon coursework—and occasionally considering stealing a time-turner.
The suggestion of going to Hogsmeade does get it to stop, if only for a few seconds, and Remus turns to look at Sirius with a twinkle in his eyes, debating the pros an cons internally.
“Well, if you hadn’t eaten my essay, then maybe I would be able to take a break.” He’s not completely serious, though. They both know he’ll give in eventually.
He always does.
“If I hadn’t eaten your essay -which I definitely didn’t do and am deeply offended to see you’re even suggesting- you’d be heading into seven hours of unnecessary corrections at this very moment.”
He kept a well-rehearsed poker face as he cleared his throat. Parchment.
“And i n s t e a d you’re here having fun with your bestest friend in the world. Imagine the good memories.” He let out a theatrical sigh. “But seriously. Go get your coat.”
@notthesaneone
“I thought you were out visiting your mother.” He exhaled, tainting the night with smoke. “You do know you’re not gonna be able to force me to get into bed, right? You look worse than me.”
He stared at the quickly consuming cigarette and threw it out the window with a muffled tsk, then committed to the ancient game of patiently waiting for Remus Lupin to give up, disappear back into the castle and leave him alone.
He didn’t. As usual.
“For the last time, I’m not sick.” He frowned, looking his friend up and down. “Are you?”
Not a single word comes out of Remus’ mouth. There’s a thousand thoughts running through his head, the memories of nights spent in those same grounds under different circumstances—drunk as they returned from Hogsmeade, laughing under James’ invisibility cloak; running around during full moon, the light just a bit more friendly because him friends were by his side; sitting down and watching the starts because the nightmares had finally been too much.
They are all too happy for what he’s feeling right now.
“Leave me alone, Sirius.” He finally spits out, directing all of his anger, all of his sadness to a boy who had nothing to do with his problems. Visiting his mother. Right. Like he still had a mother left.
She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s gone. She’s dead. The words keep replaying in his head, and he finally gives in and throws a punch to the wall, too soft to break anything but hard enough to leave a few nasty bruises.
And then he can’t stop. He’s angry, and he wants the entire world to know.
“Hey.” he mutters, and then louder. “Hey. Moony.”
It takes him a second to jump to his feet and stride towards him, grabbing him by the arms to, well- try to yank him away from the wall. The quiet boy with the kind eyes had stone under a skin made of scars.
“Stop it. Remus. Stop it.” he barks through clenched teeth. He’s got his arms. Good. He steps away and drags him along. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you now. Look at me.”
He feels shaking hands and blood. He searches his friend’s eyes and can’t read a single thought. What the fuck has gone so wrong.
“Calm down, alright?” he mutters. “Don’t make me punch you, my hand hasn’t recovered yet.”
Hell’s sake, look at me.
@notthesaneone
“I thought you were out visiting your mother.” He exhaled, tainting the night with smoke. “You do know you’re not gonna be able to force me to get into bed, right? You look worse than me.”
He stared at the quickly consuming cigarette and threw it out the window with a muffled tsk, then committed to the ancient game of patiently waiting for Remus Lupin to give up, disappear back into the castle and leave him alone.
He didn’t. As usual.
“For the last time, I’m not sick.” He frowned, looking his friend up and down. “Are you?”
@barkingmarauder deserves asked for a starter
“SIRIUS BLACK!” The name echoes through the entire Gryffindor common room, bouncing on walls. A couple of the younger kids look towards the Marauder’s room in fear; they had all seen Remus Lupin angry before.
It was not a pretty sight.
“—if you ate my homework AGAIN I swear I’ll rip you to pieces the next full moon!”
“Remus, my dear friend, you know I would never.”
Only the hint of a smile betrayed his well-rehearsed surprise, curling up the corner of his lips. He didn’t bother standing up, instead beaming up at good ol’ Moony from the comfiest armchair in the common room.
“Besides, you’ll be too busy rewriting your perfect essay to carry out that threat. That is, if you’ve got enough time. Whoops.” He feigned a wince. “Guess you’ll have to come with us to Hogsmeade after all.”
i’m either gone in an instant
or here to the bitter end
i never know
moodboards ♥ sirius black, harry potter
