Bits and Bobs

Once I was a man. Now I am a humble baseball giving advice to all who need it and spreading my charm to the world.

[baseballbob]

Do you have a tattoo?

Baseballs don’t have tattoos, but I used to have one.

[feistyvengeancewaif]

On a scale of one to Satan, I’d say I’m a solid Satan plus two. Then again, I’ve met Satan, and he’s just… weak. Wait, can we use a different demonic entity? I feel like I’m painting an inaccurate picture here. Alright, why am I even— never mind.

I don’t get paid in souls or money, but I do receive the satisfaction of a job well done, and immortality.

…Yep, definitely time to ask for a pay rise.

If we’re talking about the domino effect, well, anything I do could trigger a huge fire in Cleveland, couldn’t it? The snowballs and the butterflies don’t favour wish-granting demons over good old… everything else. I mean, I could be walking down the street and cause something just by being there, but I generally don’t, so…

[baseballbob]

Startin' to wonder if maybe I should stop talkin' to you, if you're above Satan on that scale... But I'm stuck at the meeting-Satan thing. You met Satan? The Devil, guy with the red horns and pitchfork, evil himself?!

That might be true, but these wishes lean more to life-ruining than just plain streetwalking. And what about second chances? Eternal punishment doesn't leave much room for redemption. And before you call me stupid, I know not everyone would be up for reforming, but it could happen and you'd have sent the fella to eternal damnation as a hockey puck or somethin'. 

[baseballbob]

Do you ever have sexual urges? Like, the need to have some touch your balls--er--ball?

Baseballs are free of hormones mosta the time, but sometimes... Well, it's not the same bein touched now anyway.

[baseballbob]

How do you type?

I have a personal typist. We use Morse code; I've explained the system before. Bounces and rolls and all.

...Starting to think I should make a FAQ page and put this first.

[baseballbob]

How do you let someone know you like them?

You tell 'em. Straight and easy, just go and say "I like you, do you like me?" or "I like you, do you wanna go out?" Something simple like that. Flowers and chocolate are optional additions.

Nothing is ever gained from beatin 'round the bush.

[baseballbob]

What were you like as a person?

Chill. Yeah, I was a chill, water-off-back sorta guy who told it like it was. Sometimes I could get really angry about some things. I also got really into the games on TV. Made me forget about other stuff in my life. Never big on patience either - it's an overvalued virtue, I think. Temperance too.

I wasn't big on reflection, but I've had a lot of time since becoming a baseball for thinking. It's a good activity, highly recommend it.

[baseballbob]

Are you a ticket broker too? I could use some game tickets.

Can't help you there, buddy. I recommend buying those tickets early next time.

[baseballbob]

[feistyvengeancewaif]

You’d be surprised what kind of beings have Tumblr. But no — last time I checked, no fluffy white wings or preternatural harp talent.

Yes, yes, no, and usually not. I’m a vengeance demon. Vengeance is what I do. Nobody took me seriously back in Sjornjost, and if it weren’t for someone listening to me then, I’d still be cleaning up after Olaf’s pillaging buddies and handing out rabbits for reasons strangely Communist. And dead. Definitely dead.

However many wishes I grant that someone thinks is unfair, I’ll still be doing more good than harm. Not all of my targets just forgot their anniversaries, you know. But the second I start saying that this vengeance is more worthy than that one or this wish is more fair than that one, I’ve stopped being a facilitator, and started being a— a whole different, weird thing that one person shouldn’t be. Anyway, I don’t think there are any vengeance demons that punish cities, so we’re all good there.

[baseballbob]

Wow, a real demon. I know vamps are all over the TV nowadays, but demons on Tumblr? Who woulda thought? So how evil would you say you are on a scale from 1 to 10? Cuz you don't sound that evil. Turning me into a baseball and not making judgment calls on wishes aside, of course. Handing out bunnies to folks doesn't strike me as evil even if you're doin it for free and bein all Commy-like.    

Oh well then I'll be relieved that Cleveland won't suddenly burst into flames. No demons to punish baseballs either, I suppose. Seems like it would be a small market. Speakin of markets, do you get paid for these wishes or is this a I-get-your-soul sorta deal? Like in the horror flicks.

Maybe being a judge is better than just being a facilitator. I mean, theoretically speakin and all, couldn't someone make a wish that would domino effect into a burning Cleveland and you might know that but you don't do anything to stop it? 

[feistyvengeancewaif]

Angel? No, I’m female, and not a vampire, and… different in a lot of other ways. Just ask Buffy.

I don’t decide the punishment, or make the moral calls. I listen to the people who were harmed, and even if their story’s trivial enough to make reality TV, I don’t tell them they’re overreacting or invalidate what happened — I grant their wishes. If women got what they deserved in this world, vengeance wouldn’t be a niche market, would it? Maybe her punishment was a little harsh, but that’s not for me to say, and that’s not for you to say, either. You should talk to her about it, seeing as you’re a communicative baseball and all. Grab those metaphorical horns.

[baseballbob]

What? I wasn’t talkin’ about any vampires. I meant the ones with the fluffy white wings and halos that live up in Heaven and come down only for special purposes. Those angels. Though I suppose it’d be rather odd for a divine being to have a Tumblr… So, if you’re not an avenging angel or a vampire, what does that make you?

Buffy? Like Slayer Buffy? Are you a Slayer too? Can Slayers grant wishes?

Well, maybe you should start thinking about it some more. The best of us can wish for the most terrible things when we’re upset and vulnerable. You wouldn’t grant a woman the destruction of a city just because she wished for it, would you? If you would, then you really oughta consider your judgment. It might be more than a bit off. Maybe I will shoot her a message. Let her know what’s on my mind.

[baseballbob]

Did you even like baseball before? What were your favorite teams?

Funny thing is I liked basketball more. Don't get me wrong, I still watched baseball from time to time because it's a grand sport and the American past-time, but basketball was the best.

As for teams, Cleveland Indians all the way! Could there be another answer?

[baseballbob]

I can’t help it. Being a thoughtful, moving baseball lends itself to fame. Though I gotta be honest - I would rather be human. But hey, you gotta make the best of a bad situation, right?

What’s my enjoyment gotta do with you anyway? And my ex, for that matter?

[feistyvengeancewaif]

Oh, wasn’t it obvious? This is your eternal punishment, for… whatever it was you did to her. Exacted by me, the patron saint of women scorned.

Now stop being an interesting sentient baseball before someone talent-scouts you on the internet. I hear that’s how the most insidious media presences get big. Like Kony, and that woman who says she’s a box.

[baseballbob]

Patron saint of women scorned? Does that make you some sorta avenging angel?

I may have spent too much time watching sports and not enough time with her? And I may have forgotten some important dates. Hardly worth turning me into a baseball for all eternity though.

Anyway, I can't help it that I'm interesting and frankly I ain't changing. If I gotta be a baseball forever, I've gotta seize life by the horns and live it. As much as a baseball can which means offering advice to other folk and avoiding bats and pitching machines.

[baseballbob]

feistyvengeancewaif said:

Hey, you’re not supposed to ENJOY being a baseball! Stop getting famous right now!!! I’m Anya. I… talked with your ex-girlfriend. Brown hair, five-two, tendency to use baffling sports metaphors when frustrated?

I can't help it. Being a thoughtful, moving baseball lends itself to fame. Though I gotta be honest - I would rather be human. But hey, you gotta make the best of a bad situation, right?

What's my enjoyment gotta do with you anyway? And my ex, for that matter?

[baseballbob]

...Okay, who gave you a keyboard? And how are you even using it?

I've explained this before; I have a typist who decodes my messages through Morse code. I'm actually becoming quite famous, you see, being a man-turned-baseball and all. Name's Bob. 

So who might you be?

[baseballbob]

How are you typing if you have no arms?

I have an assistant for this stuff. We use Morse code, look it up. One jump equals one dot, a roll is a dash.

Roll-jump-roll-jump-pause-roll-roll-roll-pause-roll-roll-roll-pause-jump-roll-jump-jump. What's that spell?

[baseballbob]

Are you angry at your wife?

Technically she was my girlfriend. Ex now, if you're talking 'bout the right person. Any case, why would I be angry at her? Not like she turned me into this, right? She woulda paled at even puttin' one foot into a magic shop.

[baseballbob]

What's it like to have no arms?

Awful. Can't hold a remote, can't grab popcorn, can't even open doors. Definite 0/10, I wouldn't recommend it.