batteryacidfucknut

@batteryacidfucknut

my documented venting and high thoughts.

14 posts

confidence and self-security comes from self love, right?

if i want to be confident, all i have to do is love myself.

those positive affirmations you give yourself in the mirror are good n all but thats not really what self love is, is it?

self love is actively taking care of your health and mindset but we both know thats just not gonna happen so how the fuck do i be confident when i cant take care of myself

so i have now discovered what "obsessive ruminating" is and holy fuck the article had me in tears because it articulated exactly what i couldnt put into words for even myself to understand.

I want to get out of this ruminating state. I want to be connected to the world again. I dont want to live trapped inside my own mind. I want to be able to connect to you.

i like you. and i know that if you knew how much i like you and how i think you're genuinely one of the few 'special' people in the world (thats hard to explain in short but its a concept i have in my head) - you would think im crazy considering im just this random girl you hang out with sometimes and im pretty sure i dont cross your mind as near as much as the amount of time you're in my head. So im sorry. its a bpd thing. im sorry. i know that sounds like an excuse and you're probably thinking of distancing yourself a bit from me now, huh?

I wish i had a label around my neck that explains this shitty bpd way my brain works so people would understand and just know what the fucks going on in my brain chemistry. And im aware its that - so thats why im sorry. i feel like im a normal person whos just walking round with a sack of mental illness on my back. Like its just before the point of losing sanity, but just enough that i know that somewhere, im a real person under this fucking personality disorder and im a real person who just likes you but my bpd also likes you and that shit just clings the fuck on so im sorry, okay.

i see why they call it borderline personality disorder coz i literally feel like im constantly walking the line between 'fucked, but coping and kinda loving it' and actual (maybe?) psychosis.

the funniest thing tho is that literally no one knows whats happening. People see the euphoric, productive side and they think im okay. im so fucking good at not showing the bad stuff now. Literally havent had a panic attack in front of anyone since he left.

lmao thanks to him for that btw. My brain wont go into a physical panic attack in front of people after what he did when i had one in front of him. lmaooooo now its all just 10x worse internally and i have no idea how to fucking cope with that.

god i literally just want to spend the night falling asleep in someone's arms. maybe that way i could actually get some sleep and not be wide awake at 5:30am losing sanity and craving human touch lol.

i didnt realise how many people i dropped when things when to shit. im a completely different person to what i was before everything happened.

Im talking to old friends again and i have no idea how to act or what to do. I feel like a stranger to myself. Like they're talking to the old me and im an imposter logged into the account and playing a character.

everything around me feels nostalgic and odly familiar, but really faded and distant and belongs to someone else. None of this is mine. Im losing myself. im turning into nothing.

i have literally no idea what to do when someone says "be yourself". like i have literally no sense of self whatsoever and i dont know what i really am. am i being myself? am i being some version of myself to please others? wtf is the difference? nothing about the idea of a 'self' makes sense to me.

my mind is just such a fucking mess and im constantly terrified of my own thoughts.

but when you play on my mind, im happy. im distracted by the thoughts of you and that makes me feel okay, just for a second.

even if i know its just a fantasy and you'll never want actually want me.

‪okay literally all i want is him to be holding me and kissing me and telling me im okay. i know i shouldnt care abou‬t how i feel towards him at all and theres so much crazy shit going on in my head and the world right now that idek how i have time to think about being loved by anyone. but honestly i think about it all the time and if he was holding me right now i think i would feel just a little bit okay.

i feel like i've been living in a bubble my whole life and at some point. I dont know if it was a few months ago or a year (my memory of anything these past few years is fucked) it was popped and now i dont know how to interact with the world when im not in this bubble.

i feel like i've completely lost myself

i cant tell if im aware of everything or just completely disconnected from everything. i have literally no idea which one it is

i dont know whats meant to be a normal mindset. Is my mind normal or am i mentally fucked. im constantly self concious and i feel like no one else is feeling the same way.

i literally have no idea whats fucking happening

The idea of doing anything to benefit my future self is just terrifying.

At this point in my life i've dropped out of uni, im unemployed & just acting on every impulse. Im not currently just suicidal like before, i just have no motivstion to actually get my life on track at all.

Im so scared that if i start doing things not just to 'live in the moment' then all the stress and constant anxiety from before will come back and i'll just be completely overwhelmed again.

I have nothing to live for right now. Im not actively trying to die, i'm just also not trying to live. The thought of making any future plans is terrifying.

i really do want to get help for my mental health but every time i do, all they want to do is refer me to a drug program and i've never gone through with any other help.

I want to get better but i dont want to stop getting fucked up on drugs. I feel like im finally living freely for the first time ever and there's nothing holding me back from falling into the abyss.

It feels like life is turning out so much different to anything i ever thought it could be and this makes me think - i have absolutely no idea where life will go from here. I feel like im coming to the end of my life and looking back at everything in snapshots. And thats all im seeing.

I cant tell if losing all sense of reality is a normal thing that people go through or if im actually going completely crazy.

I feel like i have no real understanding of life.

Life feels like a movie.

I feel like i have no connection to anything anymore - not on an emotional level, but literally on a physical/dimensional level. And i've forgotten what it feels like to have that connection, even though flashbacks of memories in the back of my head suggest otherwise.

batteryacidfucknut @batteryacidfucknut - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag