Almost 3 years ago to the date, I set out to shoot my first short film with the help of friends, family, and the kindness of strangers. And even though at the time I already had several years of production experience under my belt, I still had no clue what I was doing. I didn't hire a line producer to help me with finances because our budget was already limited, but in retrospect I probably should have. Not only were we able to crowd-fund our goal, we surpassed it and STILL went way over budget finishing the film. At least 3K came out of our own pockets after all the money we raised was spent. In the end, we were broke. So broke. No but seriously, I've never been more broke in my adult life and that's real.
Over the next 2 years I tried entering the short into as many festivals I could afford to and even paid for a private screening event for my cast and crew all by myself. And when it didn't get accepted into any of the festivals I had set my heart on, and realized it didn't make any sense to keep spending money on it, I will admit, I threw the towel in. I was disappointed. I gave up. Worst of all, I no longer had the money to fulfill the perks I had promised our donors, and that guilt ate at me until I convinced myself that nobody wanted to see the film, anyway. It's been a long road getting over that personal disappointment, mostly because I really wanted to make everyone that helped make it proud, not doubt my intentions. Alas, I know some of you out there are still waiting. I want to take this moment to personally apologize for that, and for not being better at math. Ironically, this is exactly why I studied TV & Film in college. But I digress...
Last Fall, Nek and I had the privilege to screen Bawlin' to a small slice of fandom at Brittana Con and let me tell y'all, what an amazingly rewarding experience that was. Everyone laughed at every joke and cheered when the credits rolled. I've never been more proud of something I made than in that moment. (Rumor has it we even got a standing ovation but I think I was too overwhelmed at the moment to realize it.) The point is, our little film had found an audience! Our efforts were not in vain after all.
When I set my eyes on a career in television, I did so with the purpose of making sure little girls didn't grow up not seeing themselves represented on their favorite shows like I did. I was already in my teens when I started seeing characters like myself on screen but no one I truly identified with until much later, when Buffy came about. I was in college when I watched Tara die, which was still pretty traumatizing at that age, but I've had more than enough time to grieve and heal from the loss of many beloved characters like her over the years. I also work in TV now, allowing me a unique perspective when it comes to representation which remains my main objective in my creative work. And I hope one day to have a bigger hand on things, to work in development departments and writing rooms, to have an actual say. But until then I realize that I still have a lot to contribute, even if I cannot feed it directly to your TV screens just yet. This short film isn't mine, it belongs to every person that helped me make it, and to the masses I wanted to reach in the first place. For a long time I debated streaming it online for profit, if only to make up for some of our financial losses, but I couldn't in good conscience do that when our donors who already generously gave us the means to make it have been waiting so long to see it.
So without further ado, here is Bawlin', starring Ash Lendzion and Gabrielle Christian. Thank you for helping me make this film. I learned so much about myself in the process. I hope it inspires you to use your voice and create something of your own. This one's for you.
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