About That

Bayview High School News

[bayviewaboutthat]

[ENCRYPTED: RELEASE DATE 1 YEAR LATER]

Here's the first thing you need to know: I hate my life and everything in it.

So I decided to get the hell out. But not go quietly.

I thought a lot about how to do this. I could buy a gun, like pretty much any asshole in America. Bar the doors one morning and take out as many Bayview lemmings as I have bullets for before turning the last one on myself.

And I'd have a lot of bullets.

But that's been done to death. It doesn't have the same impact anymore.

I want to be more creative. More unique. I want my suicide to be talked about for years. I want imposters to try to imitate me. And fail, because the planning this takes is beyond your average depressed loser with a death wish.

You've been watching it unfold for a year now. If it's gone the way I hope, you have no clue what actually happened.

[bayviewaboutthat]

Being accused of murder is turning into a monumental drag. I mean, sure, the TV coverage is interesting. And it makes me feel good that the smoke screen I put in place is working--people still have no clue who's responsible for killing Simon.

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The Mikhail Powers Investigates site has thousands of comments about the Bayview Four. (Kind of a dull name, by the way. Would've expected better from a top-ranked magazine.) Some call for jail time. Some rail about how spoiled and entitled kids are today, and how this is another example of that.

It's a great story: four good-looking, high-profile students all being investigated for murder. And nobody's what they seem.

The pressure's on now, Bayview Police. Maybe you should be looking a little closer at Simon's old entries. You might find some interesting hints about the Bayview Four.

Just saying.

[bayviewaboutthat]

Did you think I was joking about killing Simon? Read it and weep, kids. Everyone in detention with Simon last week had an extraspecial reason for wanting him gone. Exhibit A: the posts above, which he was about to post on About That.

Now here's your assignment: connect the dots. Is everybody in it together, or is somebody pulling the strings? Who's the puppet master and who's the puppet?

I'll give you a hint to get you started: everyone's lying.

GO!

[bayviewaboutthat]

Time to clarify a few things.

Simon had a severe peanut allergy--so why not stick a Planters into his sandwich and be done with it?

I'd been watching Simon Kelleher for months. Everything he ate was wrapped in an inch of cellophane. He carried that goddamn water bottle everywhere and it was all he drank.

But he couldn't go ten minutes without swigging from that bottle. I figured if it wasn't there, he'd default to plain old tap water. So yeah, I took it.

I spent a long time figuring out where I could slip peanut oil into one of Simon's drinks. Someplace contained, without a water fountain. Mr. Avery's detention seemed like the ideal spot.

I did feel bad watching Simon die. I'm not a sociopath. In that moment, as he turned that horrible color and fought for air--if I could have stopped it, I would have.

I couldn't, though. Because, you see, I'd taken his EpiPen. And every last one in the nurse's office.

[bayviewaboutthat]

I got the idea for killing Simon while watching Dateline.

I’d been thinking about it for a while, obviously. That’s not the kind of thing you pluck out of thin air. But the how of getting away with it always stopped me. I don’t kid myself that I’m a criminal mastermind. And I’m much too good-looking for prison.

On the show, a guy killed his wife. Standard Dateline stuff, right? It’s always the husband. But turns out lots of people were happy to see her gone. She’d gotten a coworker fired, screwed over people on city council, and had an affair with a friend’s husband. She was a nightmare, basically.

The guy on Dateline wasn’t too bright. Hired someone to murder his wife and the cell phone records were easy to trace. But before those came out he had a decent smoke screen because of all the other suspects. That’s the kind of person you can get away with killing: someone everybody else wants dead.

Let’s face it: everyone at Bayview High hated Simon. I was just the only one with enough guts to do something about it.

You’re welcome.

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Our favorite stoner drummer’s trying his hand at film. RC’s installed a camera in the light fixture in his bedroom, and he’s been holding premieres for all his friends. You’ve been warned, girls. (Too late for KL, though.)

Everyone’s seen the flirting between manic pixie dream girl TC and new rich boy GR, but who knew it might be something more? Apparently not her boyfriend, who sat oblivious in the bleachers at Saturday’s game while T&G got hot and heavy right underneath him. Sorry, JD. Always the last to know.

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[ENCRYPTED]

Everybody wants a piece of Bayview southpaw CC and he’s finally been tempted. He’s stepping out on the beauteous KS with a hot German underwear model. What guy wouldn’t, right? Except the new love interest models boxers and briefs, not bras and thongs. Sorry, K, but you can’t compete when you play for the wrong team.

[ENCRYPTED]

[bayviewaboutthat]

[18 MONTHS AGO]

News flash: LV’s end-of-the-year party isn’t a charity event. Just so we’re clear. You’d be excused for thinking so, though, with fresh attendance at an all-time high.

Regular readers (and if you’re not one, what the hell is wrong with you?) know I try to cut the kids some slack. Children are our future and all that. But let me do a little PSA for one new (and fleeting, I’m gonna guess) arrival to the social scene: MR, who doesn’t seem to realize SC is out of her league.

He’s not in the market for a puppy, kid. Stop with the following. It’s pathetic.

And guys, don’t give me that poor-little-thing-had-cancer crap. Not anymore. M can put on her big-girl panties like anyone else and learn a few basic rules:

1. Varsity basketball players with cheerleader girlfriends are OFF THE MARKET. I shouldn’t have to explain this, but apparently I do.

2. Two beers are too many when you’re a light weight, because it leads to:

3. The worst display of awkward kitchen table dancing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, M, never again.

4. If that one beer makes you throw up, try not to do it in your hosts’ washing machine. That’s just rude.

Let’s card at the door from now on, okay, LV? At first it’s funny, but then it’s just sad.