I’m A Hot Mess @bbmoxxi - Tumblr Blog

It’s been a while.

Jonny snooped on my phone and opened up Tumblr and shockingly didn’t feel good reading all my negative posts about him.

So I took a step back, deleted the app for a while.

But then I had no where to release my thoughts or vent or anything because I don’t have friends so my mental health is definitely struggling.

I’ve finally made appointments to talk to doctors so I can start getting medicated. My anxiety and depression are out of control and I just can’t live like this anymore. I’d rather be a medicated zombie that my husband likes than this crazy emotional roll coaster hot mess that he hates.

Pregnancy hormones catapulted me into the deep end of my fucked up brain and I’ve been drowning there ever since.

Anyway. Other than me slowly deteriorating like an iceberg, nothing has really changed. Except HBO Max came out and I can’t stop watching Big Bang or Harry Potter. So that’s been nice.

So, Luna bit Christian.

She’s been getting increasingly aggressive towards him and tonight she finally snapped and bit him.

Thankfully me and Jonny saw that her body language was all off so we were already about to split them up when it happened, meaning Jonny was close enough to get her off of him and throw her outside.

Christian is fine. He was terrified, but not injured.

So that fucking sucked. She’s going back to her original owners (long story about how they found me but anyway) later this week. In the meantime, she’s going to be locked outside and not allowed anywhere near my kid.

My heart breaks for Squish. He loves her so much and she just hates him. It kills me.

So I’m done with dogs. If we ever get one again, it’ll be a puppy that we raise and it’ll be when all of our kids (if we have more) are old enough to understand dog body language and training.

I guess I’ll just have birds and fish until then 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have three birds now.

Cockatiel is Gus Gus.

White budgie is Sushi.

Yellow budgie is Butters.

I’M DONE.

For real this time.

I’m a little freaked out about how I’m going to have my birds and dog co-exist. I simultaneously need to train my dog to leave them alone while training my birds to stay in certain areas. Because Gus Gus I can already tell is going to want to be everywhere all the time and it’s not fair for Luna to be locked away all the time (plus she’s my princess and comes first in my pet land).

I don’t have a name for my YouTube channel but I better figure one out soon so I can start documenting this hot mess of a home I got going on 🤷🏻‍♀️.

#brittany has animals #Gus Gus looks so intense #i love him

I’m really sick and tired of my husband making decisions without even talking to me.

Like him just deciding to take on another job that he will do on the weekends.

Isn’t that something spouses usually talk to eachother about before the decision is made?

Like hey, what do you think about me doing this side job for a weekend?

And I’d say “I’d rather you waited a little bit because weekends are literally the only time we will see eachother now that I’m back to work and also the only time I get a break at all”.

But instead he just makes these decisions and then when I tell him I’m upset, he flips the fuck out.

Like. I just can’t. He needs anger management classes or therapy. I don’t know how to get through to him that I’m his wife and that means I’m apart of this marriage. His decisions affect me so how about...talking to me? Crazy fucking concept, I know.

Anyway. First night back to work and I’m dreading it so hard. Christian has been monster all day and I just sometimes wish my car would crash while I was driving to work and save everyone the fucking misery.

God knows my husband would be happier. Christian could be raised by someone who has their shit together.

Just a thought.

I had some edibles.

And I am feeling so wired and hyper and chatty! I just want to chat my husbands ear off and he is not having it.

Yeah, I have a question. First of all, how dare you?

I repeated that line in my head and busted out laughing until I cried. My husband thought I was nuts.

Anyway.

Toodles!

Spicy Tuna is still extra spicy this morning. He finally came out of his box but that’s because I was moving his cage and he freaked out 🙄.

So, he’s in the bathroom. This bird is so afraid that it would bite Squish if he put his fingers in the cage so I moved him and I’m letting him have his space while also still being able to hear the rest of the house and get used to how loud it is here.

Anyway. I’m definitely feeling frustrated and like I made a mistake getting a cockatiel instead of a conure but it’s done and over with, I need to just follow through.

And probably have some sympathy. He’s just a baby and I took him from the only home he’s ever known. Of course he’s scared. He doesn’t know me, why should he trust me?

Birds aren’t dogs. I need to treat them accordingly.

WHAT ABOUT SPICY TUNA?

Spicy Garlic?

Because he’s a spicy ass dick face and that should be in his name.

I’m really like Spicy Tuna. Can be called Tuna when he’s being nice.

Luna. Tuna. Butters. 😂

It’s happening.

Today was an eventful day at Dice zoo.

First, Butters lost his shit when I was cleaning his cage and flew out. Luna was sleeping and all of sudden there’s a yellow flying biscuit flying around so I had to quickly get her in our room before she ate him 🙄. Then he kept flying into windows and not knowing how to land on things so he spent a lot of time on the ground. I finally got him into his cage but good lord that was a lot of stress 😅.

THEN I got my cockatiel tonight and he is PISSED. All he did was hiss and lunge at me and he’s refused to come out of his carrier 🙄. So I just left his carrier in the cage and covered it for the night. I just see all these posts about their new cockatiel babies loving them immediately and then there’s my asshole bird 🤦🏻‍♀️. Just my luck.

But Squish and Luna were super well behaved today and all my fish seem super happy/healthy so 🤷🏻‍♀️. Not everyone can be happy/nice 😂.

I JUST WANT THEM TO LOVE ME DAMNIT.

That’s the little asshole. I’m thinking about naming him Voldemort because he’s white with red eyes and hisses like a damn snake 🙄. I was really considering Tofu or Provolone but nope he’s getting a bully name.

Riddle? Voldemort? Lucius? Draco (although my assassin snail is named Draco Snailfoy)? Ugh.

Today I definitely was in a much better headspace. Holding myself accountable to my own issues while also recognizing healthy ways to communicate my emotions is a good place for me. It makes me feel in control over my emotions, not that my emotions are controlling me.

Anyway, in news of Dice farm, we are getting a new addition tomorrow (because I have a problem apparently) but then I’m DONE. Done you guys. I’m serious.

Luna is currently taking up my entire spot of the bed. I’m so awkwardly curled around her but I don’t care. I love this dog. Even though she acts like she wants to eat my bird 😬.

Squish is learning and growing so fast it’s starting to freak me out. I just. I love this kid so much.

Look at him. Look at this perfect moment.

Ugh I just can’t.

Anyway, help me with bird names!

This is the girl I’m getting tomorrow. I’m really liking the name Tofu. I want “easy” names so they’re easier for Squish to say when he starts really talking. Hedwig was an obvious choice but it’s just too much of a mouthful for a kiddo.

Anyone got any ideas?

Sooooooo

My mother in law is still in touch with my husband’s ex girlfriend. She likes her pics on FB, comments, etc.

My husband and this woman share a daughter. They were both locked up when she was pregnant (they were both deep in drugs) and they gave the girl up for adoption.

My husband has a really removed attitude about it. He doesn’t handle/process emotion well AT ALL.

But his ex...she is very public about missing her daughter. She makes happy birthday posts for her, posts pictures (I have no idea how she’s in contact with these people, it was a closed adoption), and just is always mentioning her. My mother in law always comments on those pictures and posts.

Anyway, I just have a weird mixture of emotion about it. I’m not really sure how to feel or if I’m even allowed to have feelings about this?

She’s a beautiful little girl. She looks a little like Christian, to be honest.

I have a lot of fear about all of this. Jealousy, insecurity. Shame for feeling those things.

Anyway. It’s been a rough night. Time for sleep.

I ate some snacks.

I watched some TV.

I’ve calmed down.

My hormones are wildly out of control - when I’m PMSing it seems to last for 2 weeks straight and my emotional roller coaster is just insane. I go from wanting to die to being just fine in .5 seconds. It’s unhealthy. It’s not okay.

My husband’s behavior should not determine my happiness. I have all these expectations of how I want him to behave and SPOILER ALERT he’s his own person and not a robot I created in a factory.

Some couples just fit together really well and rarely have issues meshing. We are not one of those couples.

We fight hard. We have awful tempers and can’t seem to figure out how to communicate with eachother.

But we will figure this out.

We will.

MISERABLE.

I’M FUCKING MISERABLE.

And there isn’t a fucking thing I can do about it other than tell myself to stop being fucking miserable.

I hate my life. I hate myself.

Hate. Hate. Hate.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to go back to work once all this is over because I’m afraid of how Jonny takes care of Christian while I’m gone.

Because if how he’s behaved while I’m here is any insight, my son doesn’t get any attention at all while I’m gone.

He’s either glued to his phone or the TV or playing video games. He just yells at Christian to stop or get over here but he’s not even a year and a half old so he doesn’t really listen/know that that means.

Anyway. Tonight Jonny just pushed every one of my buttons. I was trying to make Christian eat his dinner and Jonny decides to open a bag of chips and eat them right in front of Christian, even though he knows that Christian loves chips and, shockingly, Christian no longer wanted his dinner 🙃. So I snapped at him about that.

Then Christian kept chasing the dog while Jonny sat on his phone and I just snapped. I said that I could not be the only one constantly being the disciplinarian and Jonny flew off the handle.

He’s furious with me at the moment (slamming doors, telling me to get away from him) and I just feel so defeated.

I’m the only one who seems to actually parent and I’m just over it.

But then I wonder if maybe he doesn’t do shit when I’m home because I AM home so why should he have to do anything when I’ll just do it?

I don’t feel supported. I don’t feel seen. I don’t feel appreciated, respected, or valued.

I’m just so done.

Granted, I’m super hormonal and have been snappy at Jonny all day. But it’s also super not fair that I’m not allowed to have a bad day without my husband just absolutely losing his fucking mind. If I’m not just super happy and bubbly and kissing his ass, he’s vicious. He has zero patience or understanding or compassion.

Being married to a recovering drug addict who spent most of adult life in prison is really, really fucking hard. 10/10 don’t recommend.

BUTTERS STEPPED ON MY HAND!

Ugh you guys. We’ve had him for less than a week and he was letting me push my finger against his chest and he walked along my finger.

He’s still nervous and honestly I don’t blame him. There’s a screaming toddler and HUGE dog in the house and it’s gotta just be terrifying.

So, for now, he’s been moved into our bathroom. He’ll still hear noises from the house but until he’s a little more comfortable with me and Jonny, I think it’s best to just give him a little space.

Plus at night or when Christian’s napping, the bathroom is a perfect place for training because I can close the door and if he FINALLY decides to come out of his cage, it’ll be a safe place to fly around.

Anyway, I know no one cares. I don’t care. This is my life now. I re-did my fish tanks so they’re looking so pretty, my bird is coming along a lot faster than I expected, and my dog is the best dog of all the dogs.

Life at Dice zoo is pretty good right now!

Went to a bird store to get some things for my little boy and fell in love with this princess 😍.

Can’t wait for the day when I’m able to bring a beauty like her home! I need a lot more training and bird knowledge before that happens.

But man it was fun! I can’t wait for all this to be over so I can take Jonny and have him meet her. Maybe then I’ll sway him into letting me get more birds 😅.

I’m really annoyed right now.

Like REALLY annoyed.

But instead of focusing on that and letting it bring my whole mood down, I’m going to focus on positivity.

Which is making me more annoyed but I’m going to push through.

I’m so sick and tired of letting other people affect my moods/feelings. No one can control my mood except ME. No one can make me happy except ME.

Expecting other people to do that is just a recipe for disaster.

I can sit here and wish all I want about how I want things to be different but that doesn’t do anybody any good.

This is my life. This is my bed. I need to make the best of it and stop complaining/whining all the damn time.

Because my life, in all honesty, is pretty great. And if I could just look at the good things and stop focusing on the bad, I’d probably be the happiest person on the planet.

Okay. End rant.

Luna Tuna Rooney is 100.2 pounds of pure love and in wonderful health 💜.

I’m obsessed with this dog you guys. She fits right in with our family, like she was made for us.

I was sad tonight and she refused to leave me alone. She came on the bed and cuddled against me, letting me feel her weight and presence. It was wonderful and just what I needed.

She’s so, so gentle with Squish. I’m not a moron and I don’t believe in people letting their kids do whatever they want to animals but it’s so awesome to see how patient she is when he wants to kiss her for the thousandth time in an hour and tries to climb on her before I can grab him.

She is protective ASF. She is wonderful at meeting new people who come to our house but I don’t doubt for a second that if someone tried to break into our house or hurt me on our walks that she wouldn’t eat their face. Being able to take a walk without my husband and not feeling nervous/on edge the entire time is awesome.

She’s just a big love hippopotamus and I love her so much.

She hasn’t even been with us for two weeks but I can’t imagine life without her.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

I’m A Hot Mess