Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader
Summary: A single offhand comment spirals into an OCD-fuelled breakdown, and Aaron finds you on the bathroom floor before the guilt can swallow you whole.
Tags: reader with ocd, no use of y/n, intrusive thoughts, moral scrupulosity, obsessive guilt spirals, panic attack, rumination, self-blame, reader struggling with reassurance seeking, late night breakdown, bathroom floor angst, hurt/comfort, very gentle!aaron hotchner, emotional reassurance, being held without being fixed, soft comfort, grounding techniques, established relationship, domestic intimacy, angst with comfort, fluff at the end
Word Count: 3.1k words
The cold tiles press sharp against the skin of your thighs, your knees folded awkwardly beneath you as you sit hunched in the narrow glow of the bathroom light. The floor is unforgiving, each chilled square a pointed reminder that you've been here too long. Too still. Too alone with your thoughts. The pale glow of the overhead light makes your skin look ghostly, your reflection—when you dare to glance at it—unnervingly distant in the mirror. Your pulse thuds in your ears like a warning drum, muffling the soft hush of the fan overhead and the steady tick of the clock you made Aaron hang beside the mirror—something about needing to know how long you've been stuck, even though knowing rarely helps. Time becomes a weapon in moments like this, slicing minutes into pieces you can't hold, mocking you with its relentless forward march. It's well past midnight, and the world outside the bathroom door sleeps on in silence, the rest of the flat blanketed in warmth and stillness. Except for you. You, curled in a pale, trembling coil on the unforgiving tiles, held together by willpower and unraveling breath.
You can't breathe properly. Not really. Each inhale drags in shallow, uneven, edged with a hollow tightness that sits like a stone in your gut. The air feels thick, syrupy, as though the oxygen itself has turned against you, forcing your lungs to claw for each gasp. You've stopped noticing the rhythm of your breath. You only feel its failure. Your tongue is dry and bitter, your mouth coated with the metallic taste of adrenaline and fear, and your heart thunders like it's trying to outrun your own thoughts. You're not crying—yet—but your chest trembles as though your body is bracing for it, like a storm gathering itself just out of reach. There's a bitter taste clinging to the back of your tongue, metallic and sour, and your hands—trembling in your lap—feel both too light and too heavy at once. Like they don't belong to you. Like nothing does. You flex your fingers absently, searching for feeling, grounding, but there's only the static numbness that buzzes beneath your skin. Like white noise in your body.
You keep replaying it, over and over. That moment. The comment. The stranger's face already blurred in your mind's eye, but their pause—just a flicker of confusion, hesitation, maybe even discomfort—burned into your memory like a cigarette pressed into skin. You'd said something. A joke? A remark? A half-thought observation said aloud before you could catch it? Something about their clothes, their accent, their tone? You can't even recall the full sentence now, only the cold splash of panic that followed, delayed but devastating. It might have sounded harsh. It might have been rude. You might have hurt someone. You might have hurt someone. The words echo like footsteps in an empty hall.
You might have ruined them. Their day, their sense of self, their trust in strangers. That's what your brain insists. You might have shifted something inside them. A tiny cut they won't remember the source of, just the sting. Maybe they went home and wondered why they felt so suddenly ashamed. Maybe they questioned themselves because of you. Maybe they'll carry that for years.
Your thoughts loop with the precision of a guillotine. You imagine their feelings. Their night. You imagine them lying awake in bed, wounded by your words, their self-worth punctured by your carelessness. You picture them telling someone about it, repeating what you said, their voice shaking. You picture the people around them agreeing—yes, that was cruel. That was wrong. That person shouldn't have said that. What kind of person says something like that?
You know the answer your mind provides. Someone like you. Someone thoughtless. Someone who wears a mask of kindness but lets the cracks show when no one's watching. Someone who fails, again and again, to be the person they claim to be. Someone who contaminates everything, even in passing.
Your mind feeds you images, cruel and vivid—each one another weight added to your spine as you curl further forward, arms wrapped tightly around your stomach, like if you just squeeze hard enough, you'll crush the thoughts before they can get louder. You whisper, almost inaudibly, "I didn't mean it. I didn't—"
But your brain hisses back, that doesn't matter. Intention doesn't undo impact. And if you hurt someone, if you let something cruel slip out without realising, doesn't that say something about you? Doesn't that prove it—what the thoughts always threaten, what the disorder spins into truth on nights like this? That you're not kind. That you're not good. That you are, deep down, inherently, irredeemably awful. That you don't deserve to be forgiven. That you're only ever pretending. And that Aaron—
No. Don't think about Aaron. You can't bear to put him in this thought. Not yet. The thought of him tangled in this darkness—your darkness—is unbearable.
You squeeze your eyes shut, but it doesn't help. Behind your lids, the mental images only sharpen, like glass cutting into already-raw skin. You try to anchor yourself in the present—your therapist's voice, gentle and firm, echoes somewhere beneath the rising tide. Name five things you can see. Name four things you can touch. Three you can hear. Two you can smell. One you can taste. It's a script you've memorised but can barely perform. Still, you go through the motions.
You glance around: the edge of the tub, the crack in the grout near the baseboard, your chipped nail polish, the hem of your pyjama bottoms, the faint ring left by a water glass on the counter. You reach out to touch the cold ceramic of the sink, the texture of the bath mat, the cuff of your sleeve, your own wrist. You strain your ears—fan, clock, a distant car horn outside, the barely-there rustle of your own sleeve as you move. A creak in the floorboards. Maybe Aaron shifted in his sleep.
You try to smell the shampoo in the air, the fading scent of Aaron's soap still clinging to the towel. The faint chemical tang of bleach. The remnants of tonight's dinner on your skin. Your deodorant. The faint ghost of lavender from the candle you didn't light. You try to taste the toothpaste from earlier, but the bitterness of your thoughts overrides everything. It doesn't settle you. It doesn't stop the storm. It just makes you more aware of how trapped you are in your body. How small the room feels. How loud your own mind is.
There's a rush of guilt at the thought of Aaron, asleep in the next room, oblivious. You could go to him. Crawl into bed, curl against his chest, confess it all in a whisper, beg him to tell you it's okay. That you're not a monster. That it was nothing. That you're overthinking again. That he loves you still. That this doesn't change the way he sees you. But the thought of waking him fills you with shame. You already feel like a burden. This—this—feels too heavy to place in his hands. Too ugly. Too much. He shouldn't have to carry this, too. He's already done so much. And you swore you'd protect him from this part of you. The part that wakes up at night and unravels quietly, in silence and self-punishment.
And yet your brain claws at the idea, frantic and unrelenting. You have to confess. You have to. If you don't, it's like agreeing with the action. Like accepting it. Complicity. Cowardice. Silence is guilt. And if you don't say it out loud—if you don't drag it into the light and examine it and apologise for it and dissect every inch of it—you will never forgive yourself. You shouldn't forgive yourself. Good people hold themselves accountable. Good people don't sleep through their mistakes. Good people fix it, no matter how small it was, because small things still hurt. Small things add up. Small things define you. You believe that with your whole chest. Even though Aaron says otherwise. Even though he tells you that people are more than their worst moment.
You think of his face when he listens. The quiet patience. The way his brow furrows in concern. The careful way he reaches for your hand. The warm hush of his voice as he tries to soothe your panic. You imagine it turning to disappointment. You imagine him hearing what you said and not excusing it. Not brushing it off. You imagine him silently judging you, even as he holds you. Even as he tells you it's okay. You wouldn't believe him anyway. The words would bounce off the fortress of doubt already built in your chest. And if he didn't say the exact right thing, the exact right way, your mind would twist it, find holes in it, rip it apart to confirm the guilt you're already wearing like a second skin. Your mind is expert at discounting kindness.
The tears come slowly at first. Just a prickling heat behind your eyes, a sting at the corners. Then the dam gives way. One sob rips through you, sudden and sharp, and then you're gone. Bent double, trembling, hands clawing at your own arms, nails digging into skin as if pain might loosen the grip of your spiralling thoughts. Your breath hitches in broken gasps, and the shame thickens until it feels like you're drowning in it, weighted and waterlogged and desperate for air. Each breath feels like breaking. Each sound you make feels like proof. Evidence. More reason to hate yourself.
You whisper again through the sobs, almost too soft to hear, "I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean it," like a mantra, like an incantation, like maybe the repetition will rewrite history. You try to rewind the moment. Re-speak the words. Edit the past. You try to make it disappear by replaying it perfectly. But there's no going back. And the not-knowing—the hazy memory of it all—only makes it worse.
But the thought that won't leave is this: what if meaning doesn't matter?
At first, you don't register the sound of footsteps. You're folded in on yourself too tightly, sobbing too violently, the pounding in your ears louder than any external noise. Your thoughts are a blur, a chorus of shame and panic circling like vultures above something broken. It's like the air is thick with static, like your entire body is holding its breath, waiting for the moment the guilt becomes too much to carry. There's a high-pitched hum behind your eyes, and you can't tell if it's coming from the lights above or from inside your own skull. But then, there's a shift—a creak in the floorboards beyond the door, the hush of movement—and then the soft scrape of the bathroom door nudging open. Light from the hallway pools at the threshold before being blocked by a familiar shape.
"Hey," Aaron's voice is quiet, rough from sleep but alert, already holding more calm than the hour should allow. It's the kind of calm he saves for victims and children, a steady, grounded presence that asks nothing and offers everything. You don't look up. Can't. Your arms are wrapped around your knees and your forehead is pressed to them, breath hiccupping out of you in uneven shudders. The tears haven't stopped, and now that you're no longer alone, they somehow fall harder. Shame floods your system like a second wave of nausea, crashing hard against ribs already splintering from within. You feel like you're unraveling, thread by thread, and he's walked in just in time to witness the worst of it. A part of you wants him to turn around, to leave you to break in peace.
He crouches in the doorway. Doesn't touch you yet. Doesn't ask questions. He watches for a moment, taking in the way your body shakes, the way your fingers dig into your own arms, the panicked way you're whispering something he can't yet make out. And then he says your name. Once. Soft. Solid. Grounding. Like a stone tossed into turbulent water, rippling calm outward. It echoes like a lighthouse in fog.
You lift your head slightly, eyes swollen, lashes damp, lips parted around a whisper that feels like it's been clawing its way up from your ribs. "I said something bad," you gasp. "I said something bad, and I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop—I can't stop, Aaron."
Aaron moves before you finish. He crosses the room in two strides, kneels beside you on the tile without hesitation. He doesn't flinch at the cold or the way your tears smear across your skin. He just sinks down beside you and meets your gaze with steady, human eyes. Unwavering. Patient. The way only he can be when everything inside you is breaking. He's a fortress without walls, open but immovable.
You unravel in front of him. Words pour from your mouth in breathless, overlapping bursts. The dam inside you breaks clean in half.
"It was offhand—I didn't think—and I don't know what I meant, not really, but it sounded wrong, maybe mean, or like I was judging them, or laughing at them, or—God, Aaron, what if they thought I was being cruel? What if I was being cruel and didn't even know? What if that's who I am and I didn't see it? What if it's in me? And they went home and felt awful and I'll never get to fix it—"
You keep going, your voice trembling, cracked with emotion. You over-explain everything—your tone, your intent, the stranger's expression, the way your stomach dropped hours later, the obsessive analysis that started right after and hasn't stopped since. Every possibility. Every angle. Every way it could have been cruel, even unintentionally. You trace it like a map etched in acid. It spills from you without rhythm or pause, just pressure and desperation. You even start repeating yourself, as if hearing the same lines again might lead to a different outcome, a different truth.
You don't even know if the other person noticed. But you noticed. And that's enough. More than enough to send you spiralling. You feel like your words were a knife you accidentally dropped into someone else, and now you're pacing with blood on your hands and no one to hand it back to. It's unbearable.
Aaron's hand finds yours, gentle and slow. His palm is warm, grounding. When you try to pull away—instinctively, protectively—he only tightens slightly, not to restrain but to steady. His thumb brushes back and forth in slow, steady motions, wordless comfort. His body is angled toward you but loose, giving you space while still tethering you to something safe.
Still, he doesn't rush to reassure you. He doesn't say It's okay, or You didn't do anything wrong. Not yet. Instead, he anchors you with the one thing your brain won't let you believe:
"You don't have to earn your safety," he says, voice like something solid in the storm. "You're allowed to exist without being perfect."
The words hit you like a windless fall—no resistance, just sudden stillness. Your breath shudders. You blink at him.
"You hear me? You're allowed to exist. Even with messy thoughts. Even when your brain plays tricks on you. Even when you say something you regret. You don't have to confess every mistake to prove you're not a bad person. You don't have to punish yourself just for being human."
Your face crumples. The sob that escapes is quieter now, but deeper somehow. You nod, barely, like your body is trying to believe him before your mind can catch up. Something loosens in your spine, like a rope uncoiling. The floor feels slightly more solid beneath you.
He shifts to sit fully beside you, legs stretched out on the tile, back against the tub. He doesn't try to pull you into his lap. He doesn't make you move. He just sits there, close and warm and present, his thumb still brushing small circles against the back of your hand. He watches you breathe. Watches you come back to yourself. He doesn't try to fix you—he just stays.
Time slows, but it doesn't sting. Not now. Not with him here. The light above hums softly. The air is still. And Aaron breathes beside you like he has all the time in the world. Like there's nowhere else he needs to be. Like your pain isn't too much. Like you are not too much. Like you're still here. Still safe.
Minutes pass. Maybe more. You cry until the sharpness dulls, until the tears turn quiet and your shoulders stop shaking. You lean slightly into him, the side of your body pressed to his. And he doesn't move away. He lets you rest. His hand stays in yours, steady and warm, a lifeline more than a gesture. At some point, his other arm wraps lightly around your back, more presence than pressure, just enough to remind you: you are not alone.
Eventually, after what could be an eternity or a blink, he turns his head and looks at you, his voice gentle but unwavering. "If you want to talk about it, I'll listen," he says. "But not because you have to confess to be good. You already are good."
You let out a small, shuddering breath. Something in you shifts. Not fixed. Not healed. But softer. Lighter. Like your bones aren't caving in anymore. Like you're not holding yourself together by threads. You lean your head against his shoulder, eyes still brimming. The tears don't stop. But they're quieter now. They fall like rain, not like drowning. Gentle. Honest. Not demanding penance—just release. A release that feels closer to permission than forgiveness.
And slowly, steadily, the need to confess loses its teeth—not because you got the answer, but because you were met with love instead of judgment. Because he didn't ask you to prove your worth. Because he didn't flinch away from your panic or your grief or your guilt. Because he saw you and stayed. Because he didn't ask you to be better—he reminded you you're already enough.
Warnings: Smut!! 18+!! MDNI! Look it actually has a plot! PIV. Reader on top, cowgirl, Hotch is injured, lots of kissing, handjob, sexual inexperience, mentions of bad ex, clumsy sex, praise, I don't know if this qualifies but mild pain play undertones?? Little bit of power imbalance even though Hotch is mostly still in charge.
Summary: Hotch comes home injured from a case and you're both too needy to let him rest, leading to you ending up on top for the first time in your life.
A/N: This is not proofread whatsoever!
Eight days. Eight long days has passed since Hotch went on a case across the country. Eight long days you’d spent in the apartment, still learning it’s creaks and cracks, barely moved in. Eight long days where the only sounds at night, were the hum of the old refrigerator—that definitely needed to be changed soon—instead of Hotch’s light snores from beside you in bed.
You’d kept yourself busy… mostly. Laundry had been folded more than once, trying to perfectly flatten each piece until your dressers looked like boutique store fronts, catching up on shows—but that was simply too boring without Hotch there to complain about the inconsistencies and plot holes in the story line of your small-town dramas. You’d even organized some of his half-finished case files, scattered around the apartment, in a way you thought might be useful, then reorganized them a couple of hours later when you came up with a better system. And a truly embarrassing number of hours spent in bed, late at night, scrolling through old voice texts from him just to hear his voice.
You were half-asleep on the couch when the key finally turned in the lock a little past midnight, dressed in one of his old shirts and nothing else. You’d tried to stay up when you got the text that they were on their way back, wanting to see him before he inevitably had to go into the office once again.
The door opened ever so slowly, trying his hardest to keep quiet as to not wake you in case you were already asleep. You heard the soft thud from his go-bag hitting the floor by the shoe rack in the hallway. And then the familiar heaviness of his footsteps moving closer and closer.
“Aaron?” You asked groggily, slowly sitting up at rubbing the sleep from your eyes.
He appeared in the doorway into the living-room a second later, looking like he’d gone three rounds against a martial arts expert with a particularly spiteful vendetta against him. He had a dark bruise blooming along his jaw line, it was starting to purple and looked ever so tender. He had a neat row of butterfly bandages lining his left temple, shielding what looked like a nasty looking gash from the small bits you could make out between the closures.
Hotch favored his right side as he moved in a way that told you he either had bruised ribs, or worse, broken.
His tie was gone along with his suit jacket, likely draped over the bench in the hallway, wanting to get into something less stiff than a suit as soon as possible. His shirt was wrinkled and yet, he still looked like the most solid and composed man you’d ever seen and known in your life.
“Hey,” he smiled, his voice soft and low, yet rough from the pure exhaustion he usually felt after longer cases like this one. His eyes softened the instant they met yours across the room. “Missed you.” It came out as a whisper and a sigh at the same time, finally letting himself relax at the sight of you.
You were off the couch quickly, crossing the room carefully, almost on tiptoes as you neared him. Your hands hovered for a second, trying not to jostle him and cause him unnecessary pain. Hotch quickly solved the problem for you, looping and arm around your waist and pulling you closer. He winced slightly as your body pressed against his ribs. He smelled faintly of hospital, mingling with the faint trace of his cologne that probably hadn’t been reapplied since before he gained all his bruises. You pressed your face into the uninjured side of his neck, breathing him in. You were trying to get a good whiff of him, and not whatever antiseptic the nurses had cleaned him up with at whatever small-town hospital in bumfuck nowhere. The mere thought of trying to figure out what exactly had gone down for him to end up like this, was nauseating you, you didn’t want to think about it, but it was part of his job, and you knew you had to get over your feelings and come to terms with that reality of your relationship at some point.
“You’re hurt,” you mumbled against him.
“Only mildly,” he murmured, pressing a kiss against the crown on your head. “Dave already threatened to call you on the way back. Demanding that I take some days off to rest up or else he would tell you a worse version of what happened.” He pulled slightly back, smiling down at you. “I’m fine,” he quickly added when he saw the look on your face, clearly mulling over just how bad his injuries really were.
“Liar!” You pulled back enough to where you could look up at him comfortably without craning your neck in an uncomfortable position.
“Occupational hazard.” The corner of his mouth twitched up in a smirk that he knew drove you crazy.
You pushed up on the tips of your toes then, kissing him softly, careful of the bruise on his jaws. Hotch moved into the kiss, guiding you back down on your feet as he slowly backed you against the wall, his hand tightening ever so slightly on your hip to keep you in place. The kiss deepened immediately. His mouth slotted over yours, no rush in it at all, like he intended to savour every second. Eight days was too long apart, when you were sill in that greedy, semi-new honeymoon phase of moving in together, where every minute spent apart felt like a sentence of death row.
Hotch moved his other hand up, cradling your jaw with a tenderness so soft, that it didn’t match the bruises littering his knuckles from when he had likely punched the unsub at some point. You sighed against his lips, fingers curling into his shirt, probably wrinkling it even more—those worries you wait for tomorrow, where you likely would be ironing it nonetheless. He answered your sigh with a low hum against your lips.
He kissed you slower this time, so slow, the drag of his lower lip against yours drawn out like he had all the time left in the world and meant to spend it right here, with you. When he finally deepened the kiss, it was with the same patient slowness, his tongue tracing along your lower lip before slipping against yours, languid and warm. You melted into the wall, into him, letting a soft sound escape you that he swallowed gently. His thumb stroked slow circles along your jaw, and every drag of his mouth against yours felt deliberate, savored, like he was memorizing you for when he inevitably would have to leave for another case in the near future.
He broke away only far enough to rest his forehead against yours, both of you breathing unsteady now, his hand still curled warm at your hip like he couldn't stand the thought of an inch of space between you. Hotch slipped the hand on your hip up and under your shirt, his pal warm against your bare skin as he let it slide up your waist, around your back and back down again, mapping out every inch of you.
“You’re not wearing anything under this,” he observed, voice growing slightly darker.
“I missed you,” you echoed his words from earlier, cheeks already warming, because you in fact had done this intentionally, hoping that it would lead to him laying you down to take care of you. To strip you of the neediness you’d been harboring in your system since the second he left. You needed him. Craved him. But right now, your wants seemed unlikely to happened from the state he was in.
Hotch slowly guided you toward the bedroom with careful steps, never letting go of you, needing to feel you close, like he was afraid you might vanish if he blinked.
By the time the backs of your knees hit the mattress, he was starting to unbutton his shirt, wincing slightly at the stretch of his muscles. You carefully pushed his hands away, taking over, careful along the area around his ribs. When you pushed each side aside, revealing the nasty purple and yellowing splotch along his left side, you winced, sucking in a breath at the sight of him.
“Baby—” you whimpered.
“I’m okay.” He tried to reassure you, catching your wrists in each of his hands before pressing a kiss to the inside of each one. “Just… limited mobility for a few days. Doctor’s orders. No heavy lifting. No sudden movements. No…” he paused for a second, eyes flicking down your body and then back up with open intent. “Certain positions.”
“Oh,” you blinked, the implication of what he was hinting at made your stomach do a little flip.
Hotch sat down on the edge of the bed, moving carefully. He parted his legs slightly and took your hand, pulling you between his knees. He slid a hand back up under your shirt, slowly mapping out the curve of your waist, tracing the soft underside of your breasts. The callous on his fingers made you shiver from the slight roughness, your nipples pebbling, straining against the fabric.
You let out the softest little gasp of air as his other hand joined, framing your chest, thumbs slowly circling each of your nipples, riling you up.
“I want you,” he said, matter of fact. “Badly! But I’m not going to be much use right now without making this worse,” he nodded down towards his ribs. “So…” He kept rubbing your nipples, heat was pooling between your legs, you were practically dripping on the carpet by now. “You’ll have to take the lead tonight.”
You froze at his words.
The nervousness must have shown on your face a little clearer than you’d intended, because his expression instantly gentled, cocking his head slightly to the sight, almost mockingly. He knew. Of course, he knew. Your ex had been the kind of guy who thought “variety” meant switching the brand of lunch meat in the supermarket. And on the really crazy days, switching which side of the bed you slept on.
With him, it was always missionary, lights off and zero interest in anything beyond you laying starfished on the bed and making the appropriate noises when he would thrust into you. The handful of times you’d tried to initiate and to experiment, he’d made it abundantly clear, that he preferred you quiet and cooperative.
How you’d stayed so long in an orgasm-less relationship was still a question you asked yourself, because the second Hotch gave you your first one, your eyes opened to the wonderful world of sex.
Hotch had figured out your lack of experimentation somewhere around the third time you’d gone wide-eyed and uncertain about your choices when he’d asked what you liked.
He’d been endlessly patient about it ever since then. Never rushing or mocking you for anything regarding your fantasies or requests in the bedroom.
“Hey.” His thumbs stilled and he removed one of his hands from under your shirt, moving it up to cup your cheek. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on inside that head of yours.”
“I’ve never…” you trailed off before vaguely gesturing at the general concept of being on top. “I mean, I’ve thought about it. But he never… and I don’t… I don’t know if I’ll be good at it… And what if I hurt your ribs worse or I fall over and look ridiculous—”
Hotch’s mouth curving into a small smirk stopped your rambling. “You’re not going to hurt me. I promise. You’re not going to fall over. And even if you do look a little ridiculous, I promise I will still find it extremely hot and sexy.”
You made a face at him, clearly not believing a single word he said. “You’re just saying that.”
“I’m saying that because it’s true.” He tugged at the hem of your t-shirt, pulling it up, you bent slightly, letting him pull it over your head in a smooth motion, leaving you completely bare in front of him.
Hotch’s gaze dragged over your frame, appreciating every inch of you. “You’re beautiful. And you’re mind. And I have been thinking about the way your hands feel on me for eight straight days. I don’t care if it’s gonna be clumsy. All I care about is that it’s you.”
You leaned down and kissed him again, pouring every bit of missing and wanting him into it. His hands settled on your hips, guiding you down. “Come here,” he murmured between breaths against your mouth. “Straddled me. Nice and easy.”
You climbed the rest of the way onto his lap, knees carefully bracketing either side of his thights. The position was already starting to feel foreign at the premise of what would come next, even though you’d sat on him like this before. You were so used to being underneath, looking up at him, and it was starting to feel exciting despite your nerves.
From here, you could see the dark flush starting to spread along his cheekbones, the way his pupils had blown wide. You could feel the hard ridge of his cock straining against his pants, pressing against your core.
Your hands hovered uselessly for a split second before Hotch caught one of them and placed it over his heart. “Breathe. We’ve got all night.”
You let out a shaky exhale and moved your hands, starting on his belt as Hotch leaned back admiring you. The buckle fought you for a second and you muttered something so unflattering under your breath, that all he could do was huff out a quiet laugh at your frustration.
When you finally got the belt open and the zipper down, you lifted slightly up on your knees. Hotch lifted his hips off the bed, making it easier for you to ease his pants and boxers off together in come smooth move.
His cock sprang free, practically slapping against his stomach, the second the fabric cleared him, thick and heavy and already flushed a deep, dark pink along the length of him.
The head was swollen and angry, a clear bead of precum gathering at the tip and threatening to spill over.
You’d had him in your mouth more than a few times by now, had felt the weight of him on your tongue, the way he twitched when you did that particular thing with your throat, the way you swirled your tongue around the spongy head, but looking at him like this, fully hard and completely bare between your knees, still somehow managed to steal the air right out of your lungs.
You still weren’t used to the sight of him somehow. Not really. Not when he looked this desperate for it. For you.
“You’re staring,” he said, voice low and amused, though there was a rough edge underneath that betrayed how much the attention, or lack thereof, was affecting him.
“You’re distracting,” you answered, the words coming out softer than you meant them to.
“Good.”
You wrapped a hand around him experimentally, the heat of him almost startling against your palm.
He was so warm, so solid, and already slick enough at the tip that your fingers slid easier than you’d expected. You stroked him the way you’d learned he liked, firm pressure from base to head, a little twist right under the ridge that always made his breath catch and a low groan move up from deep within his gut.
Hotch’s hips twitched upward on instinct before he forced himself still with a low, strained sound, the careful control he was exerting just so he wouldn’t jostle his ribs making something warm and fiercely protective twist in your chest.
You kept the pace slow, watching the way his stomach tensed with every upward stroke, the way another bead of precum welled up and smeared under your thumb when you lingered at the head. His free hand found your thigh and squeezed, not guiding, just holding on, like he needed the contact to keep himself grounded while you took your time exploring him.
“Come on,” he encouraged softly, voice low and steady. “Up! I’ve got you.”
You rose further up on your knees carefully, one hand still wrapped around him, the other braced on his uninjured shoulder for balance. The angle was weird; everything felt different from up here, and you had to scoot forward a little, then back, then forward again, trying to line things up properly.
At one point, your knee slipped on the sheets, and you nearly face-planted straight into his chest. Hotch’s hands shot to your waist on instinct, steadying you with a quiet grunt of effort that made you freeze in pure horror.
“I’m fine,” he said immediately, reading the panic on your face before you could even open your mouth to ask if he was okay. “Promise. Keep going.”
You took a shaky breath and tried again, positioning him at your entrance. You were already so wet from the combination of missing him, the excitement, the way he had touched you that the head of his cock slid through your folds easily. You teased yourself a bit, using him, before making your first attempt.
The first attempt to sink down was… not graceful to say the least. You went too fast, then too slow, then got the angle completely wrong, and the thick head of him slid right past instead of inside.
You made a small, mortified noise that you immediately wanted to take back.
Hotch’s thumbs stroked slow, soothing circles on your hips. “It’s okay. Tilt a little… there. Yes! Just like that.” He gritted his teeth at the teasing touch of your pussy against him, wanting to take over and force you down on his cock immediately.
You tried again, slower this time. His head breached you, and you both groaned at the same time as you sank down, the stretch familiar and still somehow overwhelming in the best possible way.
You sank down another inch, then another, thighs already trembling with the unfamiliar effort it took to control and pace yourself.
Halfway down you had to stop and just breathe, forehead pressed to his, trying to get used to the way he felt from this angle.
“You’re doing so well,” he murmured, voice strained and rough around the edges. “God, you feel incredible.” He moaned as your walls fluttered around him.
“I feel like a baby deer learning to walk,” you whispered, the unexpected honesty startling a laugh out of him.
“Best looking baby deer I’ve ever seen.”
You huffed a laugh of your own and sank the rest of the way down in one careful motion. The sensation of being fully seated on him, of having him so deep from this new angle, punched the air right out of your lungs.
Hotch leaned back, lying down against the sheet. Eyes half-lidded and jaw tight as he fumbled for a pillow to prop his head up with, trying not to thrust up into you.
“Move whenever you’re ready,” he said, voice rough around the edges. “No rush. We’ve got all the time in the world.”
You started slow. An experimental roll of your hips that made both of you inhale sharply at the same time. Then another, a little more confident. The rhythm was off at first; too shallow, then too deep, then you lost your balance again and had to catch yourself on his chest with a breathless little apology that made his mouth curve.
Hotch just kept his hands steady on your waist the whole time, guiding the motion without ever taking over, murmuring quiet encouragement under his breath like he had all the patience in the world for this.
“That’s it. Use your thighs. Yeah… just like that. Perfect.”
It was not perfect.
At one point you leaned too far forward, and a strand of your hair got stuck in his mouth, making him huff a quiet laugh against your lips before he carefully brushed it away.
At another, you accidentally put too much weight on his injured side, and he hissed through his teeth, which made you freeze in pure panic until he was reassuring you again: ‘fine, keep going, please don’t stop, you’re not hurting me.’
Your thighs started burning sooner than you’d expected. Sweat gathered at the small of your back.
And somehow it was still the hottest thing that had ever happened to you.
Because Hotch was watching you like you were the only thing in the world worth looking at. Because every time you finally got the angle right and the head of his cock dragged over that spot inside you, his breath hitched, and his fingers flexed against your skin like he was holding himself back from something. Because when you eventually found a rhythm that actually worked; slow, deep, grinding more than bouncing, he started talking in that low, wrecked voice that always managed to undo you completely.
“Look at you. Taking me so well. Feels so good, sweetheart. You’re so wet for me. Been thinking about this every night I was gone.”
You whimpered and ground down harder, chasing the heat that was building too fast.
Your hands braced on his shoulders now, careful of the bruises, fingers digging in just enough to keep yourself steady. The new angle meant every downward slide rubbed your clit against his groomed tuft of hair in a way that made stars burst behind your eyes, and you were getting louder without meaning to, punched-out sounds slipping out every time you sank down onto him.
“Aaron… God!”
“I’ve got you.” One of his hands slid between your bodies without hesitation, thumb finding your clit with that unerring accuracy of his that always made you a little dizzy whenever he got to work. “Let go whenever you need to. I’m right here. Not going anywhere.”
The dual stimulation was almost too much. Your rhythm faltered, hips stuttering as the pleasure coiled tighter and tighter. You were so close, so close, and then—of course—your thigh cramped at the absolute worst possible moment.
You made a sound that was half moan, half frustrated laugh.
Hotch’s eyes crinkled at the corners even as his breathing stayed ragged. “Cramp?”
“Shut up,” you managed, still grinding against his thumb because stopping was simply not an option at this point.
He chuckled and helped you shift the angle until the cramp finally eased. Then he pressed up just a little: careful, controlled, still mindful of his ribs, to meet your next downward motion, and the friction hit exactly right.
Your orgasm crashed over you without warning, sudden and sharp and overwhelming. You clenched around him with a broken cry, thighs shaking hard, forehead dropping to his as the pleasure rolled through you in waves that left you trembling and breathless against him.
Hotch held you through it the entire time, murmuring soft praises against your temple while his thumb kept moving in those slow, lazy circles until the aftershocks finally made you twitch and push his hand away with a breathless little sound.
Only when you slumped against him, boneless and breathing hard, forehead still pressed to his, did he finally let himself thrust up in short, careful strokes.
“Can I?”
“Yes,” you breathed, the word coming out more like a plea than an answer. “Please. Want to feel you.”
It didn’t take long. A handful of those controlled upward rolls of his hips, the tight heat of you still fluttering around him, and he came with a low, punched-out groan, burying his face against your neck as he spilled inside you.
His hands flexed hard on your hips for a second before he forced them to relax again, still mindful of his own limits even in the middle of it.
For a long minute the only sound in the room was the two of you catching your breath, chests rising and falling against each other in the quiet dark.
You eventually lifted your head enough to look at him. Hotch’s hair was a complete mess. There was a faint sheen of sweat along his collarbones. The bruise on his jaw looked even darker in the low light.
He looked thoroughly wrecked and thoroughly, quietly pleased about it.
“So,” he said after a moment, voice still rough around the edges. “How do you feel about being on top?”
You considered it for a second. Your thighs were still trembling. There was cum slowly leaking out of you around him.
You’d nearly fallen over twice, given yourself a leg cramp at the worst possible moment, and almost smothered him with your own hair.
You grinned, still a little breathless. “I think I need more practice.”
Hotch’s answering smile was slow and warm and full of promise. “Lucky for you,” he said, carefully helping you ease off him so he could pull you down to lie against his uninjured side, “I’m an excellent teacher. And I have nowhere to be for the next forty-eight hours.”
You settled against him carefully, one leg draped over his, hand resting lightly over the least-bruised part of his chest.
It had been awkward. It had been clumsy. It had been, by any objective measure, kind of a mess.
It had also been perfect.
And as Hotch’s fingers traced idle patterns along your spine, already planning the next round with the same patience he brought to everything that mattered to him, to you, you decided you were very much looking forward to the practice.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Disabled!Reader
Summary: The pain wakes you first. Aaron wakes second—and takes over without question.
Tags: disabled!reader, depictions of chronic pain, swollen joints, reader struggles with vulnerability, quiet hurt/comfort, established relationship, aaron hotchner takes care of you, you don't have to ask he just knows, soft dominance, caregiving during chronic illness, slow and tender intimacy, reader is overwhelmed, reader learns to accept help, no use of y/n, touch as reassurance, quiet fic but heavy, full-body pain
Word Count: 2.1k words
The first thing you notice when you surface from sleep is the ache—deep, searing, threaded through your joints like a cruel seamstress has stitched you together with hot wire. It isn't gentle, isn't the sort of ache that can be smoothed away with stretching or time. It is sharp and unrelenting, layered, like waves breaking inside your body with no chance of receding. It lingers at the edges of your consciousness like a shadow you can't shake, an unwelcome companion pressing into every movement you even dare to imagine. Your hands, curled loosely on the sheet, feel clumsy and foreign, swollen fingers stiff as though someone has replaced your bones with splinters of glass. Even the smallest motion is betrayal; you try to flex them, to summon the simplest spark of movement, but the effort is answered with a muted crackle of pain that spreads up through your wrists like electricity, humming and stinging until your shoulders ache in sympathy.
Your hips throb, a furnace of fire radiating beneath your skin. The heat of it makes the coolness of the room feel deceptive, as though the air itself is mocking you with its gentleness while your body rages within. The mattress, which so often feels forgiving after long days, presses into you now like stone, each contour emphasising the weight of your own body, every dip and curve transformed into pressure points that dig against your bones. It takes every ounce of will simply to imagine movement, let alone to attempt it. The thought of staying still is no kinder; stillness feels like surrender, and surrender has never fit you.
You let out a careful breath, slow and deliberate, tasting the dryness in your throat. Inch by inch you begin to shift, angling yourself toward the edge of the bed as though it is a finish line. The sheets whisper against your skin, a fragile sound in the heavy quiet of the predawn room. Even that soft rustle feels loud in the silence. The air is cool, almost sharp against your overheated joints, a cruel reminder of the contrast between the world outside your body and the one you're trapped inside. You grit your teeth against the slow drag of resistance in your body, the protest of muscles long accustomed to this struggle.
You reach the edge at last and begin to slide out, though the motion is clumsy, your body unwilling to obey. The moment your weight shifts, your knees revolt. The pain comes viciously, sudden and merciless, an ambush of white-hot pressure that rips through the fragile balance you've managed to maintain. It surges so quickly that for a second it seems to blot out thought entirely. You can't hold it in—can't contain the jagged gasp that tears from your throat. It is small, broken, torn free without permission, but it slices through the stillness like glass snapping under strain. For a heartbeat you hold yourself rigid, as though stillness might make the sound disappear, erase the evidence of your body's betrayal. You hold still, almost embarrassed by the sound, your cheeks warming despite the chill in the room. But the damage is already done.
Beside you, Aaron's eyes snap open. One second closed, the next fixed on you, dark and assessing, sharp as though he hadn't truly been asleep at all. It's as if the air itself wakes with him, thickening with tension. That quickness of his—it never ceases to jolt you. He transitions from rest to readiness in a single heartbeat, as though a switch lives inside him, always primed to flick. His gaze is precise, slicing through the darkness to land on you with unerring accuracy, as though he has rehearsed this moment endlessly in dreams. It unsettles you, even now, to see that focus turned wholly on you. But the feeling isn't fear. Not even close.
"Stop," he says, voice low and firm, carrying authority as unyielding as steel. It's not loud, not even forceful in volume, but the way it resonates in the air leaves no room for resistance. The single word lands like an anchor, rooting you where you are, halting the motion you had barely begun.
Aaron doesn't waste time with questions or hesitation—he takes over as though it's the most natural thing in the world. His hand, firm yet careful, finds your shoulder, and he eases you back down against the mattress with a gentleness that contrasts the absolute certainty in his movements. The mattress accepts you again, though every shift in position makes your joints flare, sharp enough to sting your eyes with unwanted heat. He notices, of course he notices, his gaze tracking every flicker across your face.
The blankets are quickly drawn up, smoothed into place, cocooning you in their weight, tucking you back into the security of fabric and warmth. He folds the corners with quiet precision, as though the act itself might tame the chaos coursing through your body, as though neatness could smother the wildness of pain. The motion is habitual, almost unconscious, and yet you can feel the intent beneath it: to shield, to protect, to claim the space around you as safe.
Then he draws you closer, folding you into him without ceremony, without pause, without offering the option of distance. The solidity of his chest against your back, the weight of his arm braced firmly across your middle, the enveloping heat of his body spilling into yours—it's overwhelming in its simplicity. His breath brushes against your hair, steady and calm, carrying the faint scent of soap clinging to his skin, layered with warmth and something wholly his.
He creates a fortress around you, every line of his body a wall against the world, and there is no space left for protest. "You don't move until I say so," he murmurs, voice quiet but edged with command. The sound is low, firm, and absolute. It isn't a suggestion. It's law. A single sentence spoken into your hair, yet it feels like a shield you're not strong enough to raise for yourself, something you can surrender to even if you never admit it out loud.
You nod, biting down on your lip until you taste the faint tang of iron. The gesture is small, nearly imperceptible, but inside you it feels like an admission—something you can't quite undo once it's made. The agreement sits heavy in your chest, twisted with shame that coils into every corner of your mind.
You hate this part—hate the helplessness, the vulnerability, the raw truth of needing help. It gnaws at your independence, scraping away the fragile edge of pride you try so hard to keep intact. The words you never speak circle your thoughts like carrion birds—failure, burden, weakness—hovering close enough to touch down. But he doesn't let them. He never does. His presence burns them out of the air before they can roost. His certainty is fire, and it scorches away the lies before they can take root. He doesn't let you drift into the dark places, pulling you back with nothing more than the weight of his presence.
"Look at me." The words land clean and sharp, slicing through the spiral before it can take form. His tone has softened, concern threading through steel, but it still holds the same unyielding gravity.
Slowly, reluctantly, almost shyly, you turn your face toward him. The world narrows, sharpens, until it's nothing but the details of him: his eyes, steady and piercing, refusing to look away; the set of his mouth, patient but intent; the faint crease of worry carved deep between his brows.
He lifts his hand, and when his palm cups your cheek, it is so warm you feel it echo in your chest. The touch is grounding, tethering you firmly to the present, pulling you out of the storm your body has trapped you in. Your skin prickles beneath his hand, not from discomfort, but from the reminder that you are seen, that you are not lost. You draw in a breath, and for the first time since waking, it doesn't catch halfway. It slips out smooth, a little shaky still, but steadier than before.
He leans in slowly, deliberately, his movements giving you space to turn away, to say no, though you don't. His lips meet yours with a gentleness that is devastating in its simplicity. The kiss is unhurried, deliberate, more promise than passion, and it seeps into you like warmth into frozen ground, thawing something locked too tightly within. His mouth lingers, steady and certain, as though to remind you that this—connection, closeness, unwavering presence—is part of the answer.
When he pulls back, his eyes remain locked on yours, unwavering, commanding in their intensity. "Your body is hurting," he says, voice steady, unflinching. "Mine isn't. So I take over. That's how this works." The simplicity is devastating, stripping away every excuse you might raise, leaving only his calm certainty. His words leave no space for shame to thrive.
Your throat tightens at his words. The clarity is a lifeline, a truth you want to cling to even as shame presses at the edges. There's no room left for argument, no foothold for self-reproach. His other hand finds your wrist, thumb brushing carefully along the stiff line of tendons, and then he begins to rub warmth into the joint. His pressure is careful, not forceful, coaxing rather than demanding. He works as though he has all the time in the world, as though this act is sacred. The care in each movement is its own language. He is deliberate, patient, paying attention to every sound you make, the smallest hitch of your breath, the faint sigh that slips past your lips despite yourself. Slowly, inexorably, your shoulders start to soften against the pillow. His touch is steady enough that it seems to rewrite the rhythm of your body.
You shift minutely, some part of you still restless, half in protest, half in gratitude. Your fingers brush against his arm, tentative and searching, as though you're trying to give back a fraction of what he offers. "Aaron…" you murmur, the word fractured, heavy. It is almost nothing, just his name, yet it feels like both surrender and confession. The weight of it sits on your tongue like something too fragile to drop, too raw to carry easily. The syllables hang between you, laden with all the meanings you can't put into words, and he understands anyway.
"I've got you," he answers instantly, his mouth close to your ear. The words vibrate through you, steady and calm. The cadence is unwavering, like a rhythm he knows you'll fall into if he repeats it enough. His voice wraps around you like another layer of blankets, insulating you from the chaos inside your body. Each syllable steadies your pulse, drawing your breaths into sync with his own. His hands continue their patient work, rubbing warmth into each stubborn joint, thumbs pressing slow circles into the stiffened muscles, coaxing away the tightness bit by bit. He doesn't pull back, doesn't retreat. He stays pressed against you, a wall of heat and steady strength, grounding you over and over. Time feels altered in his arms, slowed by his patience, stretched into something soft, until the world outside fades into irrelevance. It becomes easier to breathe when he holds you like this.
"Relax for me," he says at last, his voice quiet but firm, threading through the fog of your mind like a lifeline. His palm spreads across your hand, his fingers guiding yours to uncurl with careful insistence. He doesn't force, he just waits, coaxing until your grip loosens beneath his steady patience. "I've got you." His words are sure, absolute, carved from something immovable, from the steel core that underlies every action he takes.
And somehow, impossibly, you believe him—every single time. You believe him more than you believe the pain, more than you believe your doubts, more than you believe the accusing whispers in your own mind. Because when he says it, when every part of him aligns in conviction—his body, his voice, his steady gaze—there is no room left for anything else. There is only the truth of him, and the way you fit against it. The way he holds you, steady and sure, until the noise in your head quiets and the fire in your joints is dulled enough for you to breathe again.
hi, i just got some bad news and am feeling really in need of comfort so there's a fic i'd like to request for aaron hotchner x fem reader. reader has severe adhd that basically renders her helpless and unable to executively function in any way, and aaron's with her through the process of trying medication, but ultimately nothing works out and aaron comforts very emotional reader over her feelings of hopelessness. i love your writing and your dedication to representing disabled or chronically ill readers❤️
Title: The Space Between Intending and Doing
Summary: The medication trials take everything out of you—Aaron makes sure you still have somewhere to land.
Tags: adhd!reader, medication trials, executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria, the gap between intending and doing, reader standing in doorways again, hurt/comfort, soft!aaron hotchner, aaron keeps a log in his phone, crying on the bathroom floor, crying in the kitchen, the wall is still there but so is he, no use of y/n, slow quiet love, he drives you to every appointment, he says we like it was never in question, toast as an act of devotion, reader breaking down fully, reader feeling like a burden, gentle affirmations, non-linear recovery, this is not a fix-it fic, this is a stay-through-it fic, the dishes are still in the sink, fluff and hurt/comfort, love as documentation, love as presence, no resolution just warmth
Word Count: 4.4k words.
You've been standing in the kitchen doorway for four minutes.
You know it's four minutes because you checked your phone when you first walked in, the way you always do, reflexively, like your hands need something to grip while your brain spins loose from its axle. The time was 7:43. It's 7:47 now. You've checked twice—you checked it, registered the number, and then thirty seconds later had absolutely no idea what it said, as though the information passed straight through you like light through glass. So you checked again.
The sink is full. There's a particular defeat in the way unwashed dishes just sit there, patient and accusatory, a still life assembled from every time you thought I'll do that in a minute and then the minute became a hallway you couldn't find the end of. The dryer's been running on fumes for two days, tumbling the same load of laundry that's gone from damp to stale to something worse—something that smells like good intentions left in a closed room. Your phone has eleven notifications. You've opened each one, felt the small bright flare of I should respond to this, watched it gutter out, and set the phone face-down like that was a decision instead of a failure. The trash was supposed to go out last night. It didn't.
You can't remember what you came in here for.
There was a reason. It existed in your head as recently as thirty seconds ago, and somewhere between the sofa and the kitchen doorway it simply ceased to exist, dropped through a gap in the floor of your memory. It's not the forgetting that's the worst part—it's the gap between intending and doing, the wall your brain builds out of nothing, smooth and invisible, right at the threshold of action. You wanted something. You walked here wanting it. The wanting is still here but it's untethered now, floating loose from whatever it was attached to, like a balloon that's lost its string.
Aaron finds you there.
You don't hear him come in. The door must have opened, the lock must have turned, his keys must have hit the bowl in the hall the way they always do, but none of it registered—you were too far inside your own stuckness for anything external to make a dent. But then he's just there, beside you, still in his suit jacket, the top button of his shirt undone but the tie still knotted, reading the room the way he reads everything—carefully, without rushing to a conclusion he hasn't earned yet.
He takes in the doorway, then you, then the sink, then you again.
He doesn't say just start with one thing. He doesn't say how long have you been standing here with that particular inflection that makes concern sound like accusation. He doesn't say anything immediately—he thinks before he speaks, actually thinks, and the space he leaves isn't empty, it's considered.
He looks at the kitchen the way you're looking at it, just for a moment. Then he sets his bag down by the wall, crosses to the bin, and pulls the bag out with the easy efficiency of someone who has simply decided to do a thing and is doing it. He ties it off. He carries it out the front door. The door shuts quietly behind him.
You stand there and feel it.
The shame isn't sharp—it's not a knife, it's a tide, slow and total, the specific humiliation of standing frozen in your own kitchen while someone else takes out your rubbish. It soaks into you the way cold does, from the outside in, settling somewhere behind your sternum. You know, with the rational part of your brain that is always functional and always useless, that Aaron did it because the bin needed doing and he was there and it took him forty seconds—the same way he'd hold a door or pick something up off the floor, practical and unremarkable. You know this. You feel the shame anyway.
He comes back and stands with you.
Not behind you. Not in front of you. Beside you, at the same angle, both of you looking at the same sink. His shoulder is about two inches from yours. The kitchen doesn't change—and yet the room feels subtly different. Less like a verdict.
"Hey," he says finally. Just that.
"Hey," you say back.
"D'you eat today?"
You have to think about it. That itself is an answer, and you both know it. "I had—yeah. I had something."
"Something."
"Crackers, I think. Around two."
He makes a small sound, not judgmental, more like he's filing the information. "I'll make something."
"You don't have to."
"I know," he says, and peels away toward the fridge, and you stand there another moment before your legs remember they work and carry you to the kitchen table, where you sit down and watch him pull things out with the easy competence of someone who has never once forgotten why he walked into a room.
The Adderall starts on a Tuesday, eight weeks after the kitchen doorway, at the end of an appointment where you finally manage to describe the gap in a way that feels accurate—not I'm lazy, not I can't focus, but there's a wall, you tell her, a wall I can't see or explain but I hit it every single time I try to do the thing that matters most, and I can't get through it, and I've tried everything I know how to try. Your psychiatrist listens with her full attention and says words that rearrange something in your chest: that's very consistent with what we're seeing in the assessments.
You come home with a prescription and sit with it in your hand for ten minutes before you fill it.
The first few days are a revelation. Something that was always there but covered, draped under heavy cloth, and now the cloth is gone and the light is extraordinary. You clean the whole flat—not in the anxious, scattered way you sometimes manage to clean, stopping halfway through the bathroom to reorganise the bookshelf because something caught your eye and pulled you sideways, but really clean it, room by room, start to finish, one surface at a time, with a logic to the order that you invented on the spot and then followed to completion. The following-through is the part that makes your eyes sting.
You answer every email in your inbox. Not just the easy ones. All of them.
You sit down to write something you've been avoiding for six weeks and you just start—intention flowing directly into action like they're in the same room instead of separated by the wall. You cry in the shower that night, quietly, with the water running hot, because you didn't know. You've spent so long thinking the wall was your fault, thinking other people manage, other people just do things, what is wrong with you, and now the wall is lower, and you can see over it, and this is what it's supposed to feel like. This is what it's supposed to feel like for everyone else, every day, without even noticing.
You tell Aaron that night.
You're on the sofa with your chin on his shoulder and his arm around you and your voice doing something embarrassing around the edges. "I think this is it," you say. "I cleaned everything. I answered all my emails. I started the—the thing, the thing I've been putting off for six weeks, I just started it, Aaron, I just sat down and started it."
"I saw the flat," he says. There's warmth in it.
"I think this is actually it. Like, I think this is what it's supposed to be like."
He turns to look at you, and he smiles—that quiet, careful smile, the one that lives in the corner of his mouth and doesn't quite make it to a full expression, held back by something thoughtful. He brings his hand up and tucks your hair back and then just leaves it there, cupped at the side of your face, warm and certain. You feel how much he's hoping with you—feel it the way you feel heat, through the skin. And underneath it, the something-held-back, a net he's keeping ready beneath you that you don't want to look at, because looking at it means acknowledging you might fall.
You don't look at it.
"Good," he says. "I'm glad."
Week three arrives the way bad news does—quietly, and then all at once.
Your resting heart rate sits at 110. You know this because you've been checking it obsessively—the medication that was supposed to quiet the noise in your head has introduced a new and louder noise that goes your heart is beating too fast, check again, check again. You press two fingers to your wrist at odd moments. You watch the number on the app and feel your own heartbeat from the inside, knocked loose, a stone rolling around with no good place to settle. Your hands shake when you try to write—not dramatically, just enough that each sentence feels slightly out of reach, like you're trying to catch something that keeps sliding off the edge of your grip.
And you still can't start the most important task on any given day.
You can start other things. You've reorganised the kitchen cupboards twice, refolded everything in your wardrobe, cleaned the skirting boards with a cotton bud because something made that seem urgent at the time. But the thing that matters most just sits there, dense and immovable at the centre of the day, and the Adderall doesn't touch it. It gave you access to a different set of tasks. Just not the right ones.
You don't tell Aaron for a few days. You want to keep the possibility open that you're wrong, that the brain you had in week one is just temporarily misplaced and not already gone.
"Your hands are doing the thing," he says one evening, watching you try to write.
"They're fine."
"They're shaking."
"They're fine, Aaron."
He doesn't push it. He gets up and makes tea and sets a mug next to your laptop, and you both pretend for a little while longer. But that night in bed, when the lights are off and it's easier to say things into the dark, you tell him. Your heart rate. That you still can't start the thing that matters. That the three days in week one feel like they happened to someone else now, like a window you looked through for a moment before someone closed it.
He's quiet for a moment, his hand resting on your back.
"The lights didn't stay on," you say. "They just—flickered. Into a different colour."
"We'll call Dr. Reyes in the morning," he says.
We. Just that, like it was never in question.
Your psychiatrist switches you to Vyvanse. Then Strattera. Then Wellbutrin as an adjunct, because sometimes things work better in combination, because your brain is a lock and they're still working through possible keys. Each one is its own small country with its own particular terrain, and you arrive at each border with your bags packed for somewhere else entirely.
Vyvanse makes you feel quieter—but not in a good way, quiet like a room where all the furniture has been taken out, the dimensions still there but nothing to soften them, the sound of your own footsteps too loud on the bare floor. Functional but flat, like a photograph of yourself, the depth missing. Aaron notices before you name it. He asks, one evening, whether you've cried recently.
"I don't think so," you say, and then, realising: "Should I be worried about that?"
"I don't know," he says, which is the honest answer. "What does it feel like from the inside?"
"Like I'm watching things through glass. Like I'm there but not—in it."
He types something in his phone. You watch him do it—the deliberateness of it, the way he glances at you first before he types, like he's making sure he has the right words—but you don't ask what. You're not sure you're ready to know.
Strattera takes six weeks to build to a therapeutic level, which means six weeks of side effects—fatigue, nausea, a headache that settles behind your eyes and doesn't move—with no corresponding benefit, no change in the thing you're trying to change, just side effects and waiting. You have to explain this to people. You're still waiting. You're on week three and nothing has changed and yes you're still taking it. The appointments with Dr. Reyes are every three weeks and Aaron drives you to every one. He sits in the waiting room with a case file open on his lap, and every time you come out he looks up immediately—not anxiously, just attentively, with all of himself pointed at you in that particular way he has.
"How was it?" he asks, in the car.
"She says give it another two weeks."
"Okay."
"She said it could still work. That six weeks is the minimum, not the ceiling."
"Do you believe her?"
You look out the window at the passing street. "I don't know. I want to."
"That's enough," he says. "For now, that's enough."
The Wellbutrin comes after, as an add-on, and for four days you think—carefully, cautiously—that maybe this is the one. You feel more like yourself. The flat interior quality of the Vyvanse lifts a little, some air coming in. You tell Aaron at dinner and he listens with his whole face and says "that's good" and means it, and you can see him trying not to hope too hard, holding his hope at a manageable level.
Then the nausea starts.
Not dramatic nausea—just a constant low-grade wrongness in your stomach that colours everything the way dye in water colours everything, spreading until you can't find the place it came from. You eat less. Then you eat almost nothing, because eating makes it worse, and after two days of that your psychiatrist calls and asks how you're managing, and there's a pause, and then she says: "There are other options we can look at."
Her voice has that particular gentleness. The gentleness that means we're running out of the easy ones.
You sit on the bathroom floor that night.
You don't decide to. You're brushing your teeth and then you're just sitting down, back against the bath, legs straight out on the cold tile, the toothbrush still in your hand. Not a breakdown—not yet. More like a system reaching its limit and doing a controlled shutdown, the way a phone powers off cleanly when the battery's gone rather than just going dark without warning. You sit there and you don't get up.
Aaron comes to find you. He must have noticed the light still on, or the quiet, because he appears in the doorway still in his work clothes—the jacket is gone but the shirt is untucked and he looks like a man who came home and didn't quite get around to changing. He takes in the toothbrush in your hand, the floor, the specific quality of your stillness.
He doesn't say oh no. He doesn't introduce urgency into a moment that doesn't need it. He lowers himself to the floor beside you—gracefully for a man of his size, which you've always found slightly unfair—and sits down with his back against the bath, his knee pressed against yours, his legs stretched out the same direction as yours.
The bathroom light hums very faintly. The toothbrush is still in your hand.
"What if nothing works," you say.
It's not a question. The worst version of this thought never arrives as a question—it arrives with the settled weight of a conclusion, solid and airless, the thing you've been pressing down for months finally surfacing because you've run out of the energy it takes to keep submerging it. What if nothing works. What if you're the specific configuration of brain chemistry that sits just outside the range of what the available tools were designed for. What if the gap between intending and doing is just structural, permanent, and you spend the rest of your life standing in doorways.
Aaron doesn't rush to answer. He sits with it long enough that you feel his deliberateness—this isn't him stalling, it's him giving the question the weight it deserves.
He brings his hand to the back of your neck, warm and certain, his thumb settling at the top of your spine. You feel the pressure of it from the inside—your shoulders drop half an inch, your next breath comes a fraction more easily, like something was clenching and has now been given permission to stop.
He doesn't fill the silence with a reassurance he'd have to lie to give you. It'll definitely work out. He doesn't say it. You'll definitely be okay. He doesn't say that either.
"I know," he says.
Then: "I'm here."
You turn your face slightly toward him without quite looking at him. "I'm so tired," you say. "I'm just—I'm so tired of it."
"I know."
"I can't even—" You stop. Start again. "I can't keep track of my own medications. I have to ask you what I'm on. I can't remember what I told her last appointment." Your voice does something at the edges. "It's the thing the disorder takes, Aaron. The keeping-track thing. That's the thing it takes first."
He doesn't say that's what I'm here for in a way that's meant to fix it. He understands—or tries to, and tries harder than anyone you've ever known—that it's not about him being there. It's about the particular cruelty of needing to manage a thing that steals your ability to manage things. He just sits with that too, his hand warm on the back of your neck, his knee against yours on the tile.
"Come on," he says, eventually. "Come to bed."
You let him help you up. He takes the toothbrush from your hand and puts it back in its holder, and it's such a small thing that it almost undoes you completely.
You do break down. Eventually.
It's two weeks later, on an ordinary Wednesday. Not in a moment of particular crisis, not at the end of a visibly terrible day, but in the middle of something ordinary, when the accumulation finally exceeds the container. You're in the kitchen. You're supposed to be making dinner and instead you're standing at the counter, again, in the gap, again, feeling the wall between you and the simple act of opening the fridge—and something about the familiarity of it, the fact that this is still happening, that you're still here and the wall is still here and nothing has fundamentally changed—breaks the last of whatever was holding.
It's ugly. It's loud. Your face goes swollen and red very quickly and you cry in the way you only cry when you've stopped caring how you look, great heaving sobs that shake you like a thing being wrung out by the shoulders.
Aaron is there within seconds—he must have heard it from the other room, must have recognised the register of it, because he doesn't hesitate. His arms are around you from behind and you turn into him and he holds you and you cry into his shirt and he doesn't try to stop it or move you past it. He just holds the full size of it with you.
You say things that sound terrible and true.
You tell him you're exhausted by your own brain—not sad, not angry, just worn to the most fundamental degree, ground down to a place where there's nothing left that isn't tired. You can't keep being a person who needs this much scaffolding just to get through a day—the alarms for every task, the app that reminds you to drink water because otherwise you forget for eight hours, the body double videos you play so your brain believes someone else is present and will therefore cooperate, the log in his phone, the appointments, the medication trials, the routines you build and rebuild and inevitably abandon. None of it is enough. You are so tired of needing all of it and still falling short.
"I feel like I'm standing behind glass," you say, and you can hear how wrecked your voice is, how it keeps fracturing. "Everyone else just—lives. They wake up and do things. They think of something and they do it. They make a plan and follow it through because the thread doesn't just go dead in their hands between the thinking and the doing. And I can't even make myself open the fridge, Aaron, I've been standing here for ten minutes trying to open the fridge."
"I know," he says.
"It's not hard. There's food in it. I know I need to eat. And I just—can't start." Your face is pressed into his shoulder. You can feel the fabric getting wet. "I'm so tired of it being a war. Every day. Just waking up is a war. And I'm so tired of losing."
"You're not losing," he says, quietly.
"Aaron."
"You're here. You're still here."
"That's not the same as winning."
He doesn't argue with that. You feel the breath he takes—deliberate and slow. "No," he says. "It's not."
"I don't know what to do," you say. Your voice is down to almost nothing. "I don't know what to try next. I don't know how many more times I can do this."
He holds you tighter—not to compress you or make you smaller, just so you can feel the full fact of him there, arms around you, not flinching, not calculating how to end this, holding the size of you, the mess and the noise and every sharp edge.
"I know," he says. And then, after a pause long enough to mean it: "You don't have to know right now."
You cry harder. Because it's the right thing to say, the exact right thing, and your brain—exhausted and wrung out as it is—is still an instrument finely tuned to the right thing, still responds to it like a chord that was always meant to resolve but had been suspended for months. He holds on.
Later—you don't know how much later, time gets slippery—you're back in the kitchen, the worst of it through, and Aaron is making toast because toast is the only thing that seemed manageable. You're sitting at the table with a glass of water he put in front of you without asking. The flat is quiet. Your face is tight from crying.
"I have to call Dr. Reyes tomorrow," you say.
"I'll remind you," he says.
"I should be able to remember to make my own—"
"I'll remind you," he says again, without inflection, just as a fact.
You look at him at the toaster, still in the clothes he came home in, and you feel something large and ungainly in your chest that doesn't have a single name. Gratitude is part of it. Love is more of it. The specific ache of being well-cared-for when you don't feel like you deserve it yet.
"Aaron," you say.
"Mm."
"The log. In your phone."
He turns to look at you. His expression doesn't change much, but it shifts.
"I saw it," you say. "A few weeks ago. I only saw two lines."
He's quiet for a moment. Then: "I should have told you about it."
"No, I—" You stop. "I'm glad you have it. I'm glad someone has it. I just—" You press your fingers to your eyes for a moment. "The way you wrote it. Felt flattened out. Just that. Like each thing mattered specifically."
"It does," he says.
"I know," you say. "Thank you."
He puts the toast on a plate and brings it to the table and sits across from you, and for a while you both just sit there, and you eat the toast, and neither of you needs to fill the silence.
Afterward, you're in bed.
The flat is still a mess—the dishes still in the sink, patient as scripture, the laundry still in the dryer and probably unsalvageable now. Tomorrow there'll be a phone call, another appointment, another conversation about options and side effects and what's next. Nothing is fixed. The night doesn't have the shape of a night with a resolution inside it.
Aaron's hand moves slowly through your hair.
You're lying with your head on his chest, your eyes swollen almost shut, heavy and sore. Your breathing is still catching on the tail end of it—a small involuntary hitch, the aftershock. His heartbeat is steady under your cheek. Not performing steadiness—just steady, the way things are steady when they've been still for a long time and have no intention of moving, the way a stone at the bottom of a river just remains.
You press your face into his shirt.
He says your name. Once, quietly—not urgently, not as a prelude to anything. Just your name in his voice, offered to the dark with no weight behind it except the weight of meaning it. The particular sound of your name when someone is glad it exists.
You feel it in your sternum.
The dishes are still in the sink. The laundry is still wet. Tomorrow is still coming with everything it's carrying—the phone call, the careful and exhausting work of describing your own brain so that someone can try again to help it. The gap between intending and doing will still be there, the wall still smooth and invisible, still rising every morning just before you need it not to. You've stopped expecting it to go anywhere overnight, and that itself is a kind of grief.
But Aaron's hand is in your hair, moving slow and steady, unhurried, and your breathing is evening out—the hitches coming further apart, your body doing the quiet work of settling because bodies do that, eventually, even the ones attached to brains like yours, even when you're sure they won't. Outside the window the street makes its ordinary sounds—a car, someone's footsteps, a door—the world carrying on without requiring anything of you.
You are still here. He is still here. That isn't a resolution. It's just what's true tonight, and there's something in the fact that it requires nothing from you—no follow-through, no forward momentum, no crossing the gap between intention and action—that lets you breathe.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Reader
Summary: A slammed door in the night triggers a flashback you can't escape, until Aaron grounds you in the quiet.
Tags: complex ptsd symptoms, panic attack, flashback, hypervigilance, grounding techniques, reader has a trauma response to loud noises, breakdown, soft!hotch, trauma-informed care, this is not fixed with logic, hurt/comfort, emotionally steady!aaron, reader is trying so hard, no use of y/n, established relationship, quiet intimacy, healing is not linear, not a miracle moment but still healing
Word Count: 3k words
The slam of a door—sharp, abrupt, like the crack of a gunshot—shatters the silence of the night and tears you out of sleep as though someone's reached into your chest and yanked. It's not even your door. Not even your building. Somewhere down the block, maybe, but close enough that it echoes through the stillness like a threat, close enough that your body reacts before your mind can orient itself. The sound crawls under your skin and sets off alarm bells you thought you'd dismantled years ago, alarms dulled but never truly disarmed. It's primal—an instinct buried so deep it takes no effort to unearth.
You're halfway out of bed before you're even conscious of moving. Sheets tangle around your ankles, cold air biting at your skin, but you barely register it. Your foot knocks against the bedside table and pain sparks through your shin, but even that doesn't root you in the present. Your body is already gone, already retreating into itself, deep into that place where everything feels sharper, louder, more dangerous. The noise has cracked something open inside you—something ancient, something stitched shut with trembling, exhausted hands, something buried under routines and grounding exercises and Aaron's voice humming steady reassurances in the dark. But the sound has found it, and now it's bleeding again. No logic can reach you. No amount of therapy-speak can plug the rupture that sudden, uninvited noise has torn wide open. You're unmoored, suddenly cast back into a body that remembers too much and forgives too little.
Your heart is a wild, galloping thing. A thunderstorm in your ribcage. You can't catch your breath. You fumble for the lamp switch, but your fingers are shaking too hard to grip it, knuckles knocking against wood, nails scraping the table's edge. It feels like you've slipped through the floorboards of the world into a memory your brain insists on replaying. Everything is too loud—the blood rushing in your ears, the creak of floorboards beneath your feet, the whisper of your own ragged breaths. The texture of the sheets on your skin is unbearable. Your limbs feel boneless, but too tense. You're vibrating, trapped in a body that won't obey, won't listen. You can't see straight. You can't think straight. All you know is you need to be somewhere else—anywhere else.
The corner calls to you. It always does, when the world tilts like this. You stumble toward it, one hand pressed to your chest as if that will keep your heart from bursting out. You slide down the wall, curling into yourself, knees to chest, arms around your legs. The plaster is cool and steady against your back. A boundary. A barrier. You press against it like you could melt into it, disappear into the paint and drywall. Become part of the room, silent and unseen. The room's darkness presses in around you, but it's a different kind of dark than before—emptier, heavier. Every breath you take feels like it passes through a sieve of broken glass.
You know where you are. The bedroom. Home. Safe. Your things surround you: the books on the shelf, the familiar coat draped over the chair, the faint scent of detergent on the duvet. You know this space like the back of your hand. But your body doesn't believe you. It screams danger, danger, danger. Your instincts override your intellect. Everything rational dissolves under the weight of panic.
Your skin crawls, hairs rising as though sensing a threat that isn't there. Every cell of you is screaming run, hide, survive. The echo of that door slamming loops in your head, louder now, sharper, like it's happening over and over again. You want to claw it out. You want to scream. You want to vanish. You bite down on the inside of your cheek instead, fists clenched so tightly your nails dig crescent moons into your palms. You try to breathe. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. But it's shallow and frantic, like you're drowning in air. Your diaphragm won't loosen. Your chest aches. You can feel your pulse in your gums, in your throat, behind your eyes.
You can't think past the panic. The edges of your vision blur and warp, darkness creeping in at the corners. Your ears ring with static. You remember, distantly, that this is a flashback, a response, a trauma echo—but knowing that doesn't fix it. You're still trapped. You're still shaking. You are both here and not here. You are the trembling creature in the corner and the younger version of yourself hiding beneath a bed in another city, in another life. Your breath hitches. The tears you've been holding back threaten to rise, but you refuse to let them fall. You're already this far gone—you won't give your panic that victory.
You lose track of time. Seconds stretch into eternities. The air feels too thick to breathe, like you're underwater. Your fingernails dig deeper into your skin. The corners of your vision pulse with light. You can't stop rocking. You can't stop scanning the dark as if something will emerge from it. Everything hurts. Your memories crash into your present, blurring the boundary between then and now.
And then you hear it.
The gentle rustle of blankets. The soft whisper of skin on sheets. The subtle weight shift of the mattress as he moves. The sounds of someone else alive in the space with you, measured and calm. Something in the air shifts. You feel it like a change in pressure—something warmer, steadier.
Aaron.
His footsteps are soft, deliberate. No sudden movements, no loud sounds. He knows. Of course he knows. He always does. You hear the quiet pad of his bare feet on the hardwood, the shift in the air as he rounds the bed. You hear him kneel before you see him, feel the way the floor changes with the added presence of his weight. The silence he brings is different. It isn't empty—it's watchful. Protective. He doesn't speak. He never speaks straight away. Doesn't flood the moment with words you're not ready to hear. Instead, he lowers himself down, slow and careful, until he's seated beside you on the floor.
He doesn't reach for you. Just sets his hand palm-down on the floor between you. Not touching. Just close enough that you can feel the warmth of him radiating into the air. A silent offering. A tether, if you want it. You can almost feel the pulse in his palm, slow and steady, anchoring. You stare at it for a long moment, that quiet gesture. Your throat tightens further. Your shoulders shake harder.
You can't lift your head. You can't look at him. But you can hear him breathe—slow and steady, deep enough for you to track it if you try. Inhale. Exhale. That rhythm, familiar and grounding, pulls at something frayed in your chest. A rope tossed into the storm. You count the seconds between each breath. You listen for the soft whisper of his nose as he exhales. Each one is a lighthouse through fog. Each one is proof that you're not alone.
"You're safe," he murmurs, voice low and even, like he's speaking to a skittish animal. There's no pity in it. No urgency. Just calm. "It was just a door. Not here. Nothing's coming. You're safe."
The words barely register. Your body is still caught in the freeze, nerves firing like there's danger all around you. Muscles locked, teeth clenched so tight your jaw aches. You don't trust your own voice to respond, don't even know if you could make a sound if you tried. But you tilt your head just enough to see him from the corner of your eye. The dim light outlines the slope of his shoulder, the line of his jaw. Familiar. Unthreatening. Real. And you feel something loosen, infinitesimally, like the first sign of thaw in a long, brutal winter.
He's not watching you. He's gazing ahead, at the far wall, legs folded beneath him, spine straight but not tense. Like he's settled in for as long as it takes. Like he's prepared to wait you out, hold this space until you can come back to yourself. One hand rests on the floor. The other rests lightly on his knee, fingers curling and uncurling with quiet patience. There is no rush in him. No timeline. Only presence. Only the kind of silence that speaks louder than reassurance ever could.
"You're not alone," he says after a while, softer this time. "I'm right here."
His fingers twitch once, a subtle motion on the floor between you. Still not reaching. Still waiting.
"I've got you," he adds, nearly inaudible. "Whenever you're ready."
You press your forehead to your knees, eyes squeezed shut. The nausea hasn't passed. The shaking hasn't stopped. The panic is still thick in your lungs, but somewhere beneath it—under the chaos, the noise, the crashing waves—there's a thread of quiet. His breathing. His presence. His warmth. It doesn't erase the fear. But it draws a line in the sand: the storm might rage, but you are not alone in it.
Later, once you're back in bed, the silence has changed. It's thicker now, but no longer threatening—blanketing, almost. Protective. It wraps around the two of you like a soft cocoon, broken only by the low, rhythmic whisper of the wind against the windows and the quiet cadence of Aaron's breathing beneath your ear. The shadows on the ceiling are just shadows again, not tricks of the mind, not memories clawing their way into the present. And the thrum in your chest, though still present, no longer feels like it's going to rip you apart. It lingers, yes, but its edges have dulled. Your heart hasn't returned fully to its resting place, but it no longer beats like a warning siren.
You lie there, curled into the warmth of him, your breath gradually syncing with his in a rhythm so familiar it's almost sacred. There's a stillness to the space between you, but it's not empty—not even close. It's full of unspoken things. The weight of fear still curls in your belly, a shadow refusing to let go completely, but it's softened now, like it knows it's outnumbered. This bed, this room, these arms—these are the constants that have begun, slowly, to teach your body what safety feels like. That it isn't always fleeting. That sometimes it stays. That not everything leaves.
Your head rests against Aaron's chest, and the steady rhythm of his heart becomes your anchor. It pulses beneath your cheek like a lullaby without music, just truth. Steady. Constant. You're still trembling faintly, the kind of aftershock that trails a storm, but the worst of the panic has ebbed, pulled back like the tide. Your body aches with the tension it carried. There's fatigue in your bones that wasn't there before, a weight to your limbs like you've run for miles without moving an inch. The kind of exhaustion that's more soul-deep than physical, the kind that leaves you aching in places no one else can see. Your fingers twitch as you start to relax, just enough to unclench. Just enough to notice how tightly you'd been holding yourself.
Aaron's hand moves in slow, gentle circles against your bare shoulder, fingertips barely skimming your skin. It's not meant to soothe in the performative way people often try—no artificial sweetness, no pressure to relax—it's simply there. Present. Real. A wordless reminder that he's with you. That he always is. You close your eyes, breathing in the warmth of his skin, the faint scent of sleep and clean cotton, the comforting hum of his presence. Familiar. Grounding. You're starting to learn that this kind of quiet doesn't have to be dangerous. That it can hold you instead of crush you. That not every silence has teeth.
"It was the Peterson's door again," he murmurs eventually, voice low and rough from sleep, the vibrations of it humming through his chest and into your bones. "I'll ask them to fix the hinge tomorrow. It's probably loose."
There's no annoyance in his tone, no blame. Just quiet, steady observation. A small act of protection spoken aloud. The way he says it tells you everything—it's not a problem to fix for his comfort, it's something he'll handle so that maybe, just maybe, next time won't feel like a war zone in your own body. You imagine him standing in the hallway tomorrow morning, knocking gently, his voice soft but firm as he explains the situation. You imagine the subtle way he'll make it sound like nothing, like kindness, not complaint. That's how he shields you—from things others wouldn't even think to protect against.
You nod against him, a tiny motion, barely more than a breath. "I knew it wasn't ours," you say, voice brittle. "But I couldn't—my body just…" The words falter, fall apart in your mouth before you can finish. The shame comes after, as it always does. A creeping thing that wraps itself around the edges of your throat, makes you want to apologise for reacting at all. For being the version of yourself you still struggle to accept.
"I know."
That's all he says. And it's enough.
He doesn't tell you it's nothing. He doesn't tell you to let it go. He doesn't explain that you're safe now, or that the past can't hurt you here—not because he doesn't believe those things, but because he knows that truth doesn't always land when the fear is still fresh. He doesn't try to drag you out of it with logic. He never has. He understands what it means to live inside a body that remembers too much. He knows fear isn't always rational. He never asks it to be. He respects your reality, even when it hurts him to see you in it. Especially then. His presence is not about fixing. It's about being there, even in the broken places.
"I hate this," you breathe eventually. The words taste bitter on your tongue. "I hate that I'm still like this."
Aaron's hand stills for a moment, then resumes its slow pattern, unwavering. "You're not broken," he says, simply. "This isn't a flaw. It's a wound. And wounds don't vanish just because we want them to. They heal slow. They ache. That doesn't make you weak."
You blink hard against the sting behind your eyes. "It's been years."
"So?" he says again, calm as ever. "Time doesn't always mean distance. You survived. That matters more than the timeline."
You let out a shaky breath, trying to exhale the guilt that coils in your gut. "You shouldn't have to deal with this."
"I'm not dealing with you," he says, firmer now, though still gentle. "I'm loving you. There's a difference."
There's a pause. You let that word echo inside your chest. Loving. It rings through you like a quiet bell, startling in its gentleness.
You lift your head slightly, just enough to look up at him. His face is barely visible in the dark, the angles of it softened by shadow. But you can make out the furrow in his brow, the quiet intensity of his gaze, the softness that lives behind every sharp edge. He meets your eyes without flinching. There's no hesitation there. No doubt.
"You mean that?"
"Always."
The word lands like a warm stone in your chest. Heavy, but grounding. You rest your head back down, shifting just a little closer, hand slipping across his stomach, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt like it's the only solid thing anchoring you to the present. He adjusts slightly, only to press a kiss into your hair. You can feel it more than you hear it. It lingers, warm and sure. You wonder, for a brief moment, what it would be like to believe in permanence. And then you realise: you already do. In this moment. In him.
"I'm still scared," you whisper. The words are almost too small to be heard, barely more than the breath they ride in on.
"I know," he murmurs. "And that's okay."
"And I don't know if I'll ever stop being scared."
His arm wraps around your back, steady and sure, holding you not too tightly, not too loosely—just right. Just enough. "Then we'll face it together. Every time."
There's something so certain in the way he says it. No hesitation. No conditions. No expiry date.
You let those words wash over you, seep into the cracks of your chest where the panic left fractures. They don't erase the pain. They don't fix what's broken. But they hold you together long enough to breathe again. They wrap around the jagged edges and remind you that healing doesn't mean never hurting. That love can exist right alongside the fear. That someone can see every part of you—even the scared, shaking parts—and stay.
There's no miracle moment. No perfect stillness. Your heart doesn't suddenly calm all the way, and your body doesn't stop aching. The ghost of the fear still lingers in your limbs, in the tightness of your jaw, the twitch of your fingers. But in the quiet, in the dark, in the shape of Aaron's arms around you and the weight of his words, something inside you begins to settle. Not peace. Not yet. But something close enough to rest. Something steady enough to trust. The kind of stillness that doesn't come from silence, but from being understood.
You let your eyes fall shut. And this time, when the wind shifts and the night creaks, you stay in his arms.
You don't run.
Not tonight.
And maybe—not tomorrow either.
And maybe, one day, the sound of a door won't send your body into battle. Maybe one day you'll wake to a loud noise and feel only mild irritation, not terror. Maybe you'll forget to flinch. Maybe sleep won't feel like a risk. But even if that day never comes, even if the fear never fades completely, you know this: you won't face it alone.
hi, i just got some bad news and am feeling really in need of comfort so there's a fic i'd like to request for aaron hotchner x fem reader. reader has severe adhd that basically renders her helpless and unable to executively function in any way, and aaron's with her through the process of trying medication, but ultimately nothing works out and aaron comforts very emotional reader over her feelings of hopelessness. i love your writing and your dedication to representing disabled or chronically ill readers❤️
Title: The Space Between Intending and Doing
Summary: The medication trials take everything out of you—Aaron makes sure you still have somewhere to land.
Tags: adhd!reader, medication trials, executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria, the gap between intending and doing, reader standing in doorways again, hurt/comfort, soft!aaron hotchner, aaron keeps a log in his phone, crying on the bathroom floor, crying in the kitchen, the wall is still there but so is he, no use of y/n, slow quiet love, he drives you to every appointment, he says we like it was never in question, toast as an act of devotion, reader breaking down fully, reader feeling like a burden, gentle affirmations, non-linear recovery, this is not a fix-it fic, this is a stay-through-it fic, the dishes are still in the sink, fluff and hurt/comfort, love as documentation, love as presence, no resolution just warmth
Word Count: 4.4k words.
You've been standing in the kitchen doorway for four minutes.
You know it's four minutes because you checked your phone when you first walked in, the way you always do, reflexively, like your hands need something to grip while your brain spins loose from its axle. The time was 7:43. It's 7:47 now. You've checked twice—you checked it, registered the number, and then thirty seconds later had absolutely no idea what it said, as though the information passed straight through you like light through glass. So you checked again.
The sink is full. There's a particular defeat in the way unwashed dishes just sit there, patient and accusatory, a still life assembled from every time you thought I'll do that in a minute and then the minute became a hallway you couldn't find the end of. The dryer's been running on fumes for two days, tumbling the same load of laundry that's gone from damp to stale to something worse—something that smells like good intentions left in a closed room. Your phone has eleven notifications. You've opened each one, felt the small bright flare of I should respond to this, watched it gutter out, and set the phone face-down like that was a decision instead of a failure. The trash was supposed to go out last night. It didn't.
You can't remember what you came in here for.
There was a reason. It existed in your head as recently as thirty seconds ago, and somewhere between the sofa and the kitchen doorway it simply ceased to exist, dropped through a gap in the floor of your memory. It's not the forgetting that's the worst part—it's the gap between intending and doing, the wall your brain builds out of nothing, smooth and invisible, right at the threshold of action. You wanted something. You walked here wanting it. The wanting is still here but it's untethered now, floating loose from whatever it was attached to, like a balloon that's lost its string.
Aaron finds you there.
You don't hear him come in. The door must have opened, the lock must have turned, his keys must have hit the bowl in the hall the way they always do, but none of it registered—you were too far inside your own stuckness for anything external to make a dent. But then he's just there, beside you, still in his suit jacket, the top button of his shirt undone but the tie still knotted, reading the room the way he reads everything—carefully, without rushing to a conclusion he hasn't earned yet.
He takes in the doorway, then you, then the sink, then you again.
He doesn't say just start with one thing. He doesn't say how long have you been standing here with that particular inflection that makes concern sound like accusation. He doesn't say anything immediately—he thinks before he speaks, actually thinks, and the space he leaves isn't empty, it's considered.
He looks at the kitchen the way you're looking at it, just for a moment. Then he sets his bag down by the wall, crosses to the bin, and pulls the bag out with the easy efficiency of someone who has simply decided to do a thing and is doing it. He ties it off. He carries it out the front door. The door shuts quietly behind him.
You stand there and feel it.
The shame isn't sharp—it's not a knife, it's a tide, slow and total, the specific humiliation of standing frozen in your own kitchen while someone else takes out your rubbish. It soaks into you the way cold does, from the outside in, settling somewhere behind your sternum. You know, with the rational part of your brain that is always functional and always useless, that Aaron did it because the bin needed doing and he was there and it took him forty seconds—the same way he'd hold a door or pick something up off the floor, practical and unremarkable. You know this. You feel the shame anyway.
He comes back and stands with you.
Not behind you. Not in front of you. Beside you, at the same angle, both of you looking at the same sink. His shoulder is about two inches from yours. The kitchen doesn't change—and yet the room feels subtly different. Less like a verdict.
"Hey," he says finally. Just that.
"Hey," you say back.
"D'you eat today?"
You have to think about it. That itself is an answer, and you both know it. "I had—yeah. I had something."
"Something."
"Crackers, I think. Around two."
He makes a small sound, not judgmental, more like he's filing the information. "I'll make something."
"You don't have to."
"I know," he says, and peels away toward the fridge, and you stand there another moment before your legs remember they work and carry you to the kitchen table, where you sit down and watch him pull things out with the easy competence of someone who has never once forgotten why he walked into a room.
The Adderall starts on a Tuesday, eight weeks after the kitchen doorway, at the end of an appointment where you finally manage to describe the gap in a way that feels accurate—not I'm lazy, not I can't focus, but there's a wall, you tell her, a wall I can't see or explain but I hit it every single time I try to do the thing that matters most, and I can't get through it, and I've tried everything I know how to try. Your psychiatrist listens with her full attention and says words that rearrange something in your chest: that's very consistent with what we're seeing in the assessments.
You come home with a prescription and sit with it in your hand for ten minutes before you fill it.
The first few days are a revelation. Something that was always there but covered, draped under heavy cloth, and now the cloth is gone and the light is extraordinary. You clean the whole flat—not in the anxious, scattered way you sometimes manage to clean, stopping halfway through the bathroom to reorganise the bookshelf because something caught your eye and pulled you sideways, but really clean it, room by room, start to finish, one surface at a time, with a logic to the order that you invented on the spot and then followed to completion. The following-through is the part that makes your eyes sting.
You answer every email in your inbox. Not just the easy ones. All of them.
You sit down to write something you've been avoiding for six weeks and you just start—intention flowing directly into action like they're in the same room instead of separated by the wall. You cry in the shower that night, quietly, with the water running hot, because you didn't know. You've spent so long thinking the wall was your fault, thinking other people manage, other people just do things, what is wrong with you, and now the wall is lower, and you can see over it, and this is what it's supposed to feel like. This is what it's supposed to feel like for everyone else, every day, without even noticing.
You tell Aaron that night.
You're on the sofa with your chin on his shoulder and his arm around you and your voice doing something embarrassing around the edges. "I think this is it," you say. "I cleaned everything. I answered all my emails. I started the—the thing, the thing I've been putting off for six weeks, I just started it, Aaron, I just sat down and started it."
"I saw the flat," he says. There's warmth in it.
"I think this is actually it. Like, I think this is what it's supposed to be like."
He turns to look at you, and he smiles—that quiet, careful smile, the one that lives in the corner of his mouth and doesn't quite make it to a full expression, held back by something thoughtful. He brings his hand up and tucks your hair back and then just leaves it there, cupped at the side of your face, warm and certain. You feel how much he's hoping with you—feel it the way you feel heat, through the skin. And underneath it, the something-held-back, a net he's keeping ready beneath you that you don't want to look at, because looking at it means acknowledging you might fall.
You don't look at it.
"Good," he says. "I'm glad."
Week three arrives the way bad news does—quietly, and then all at once.
Your resting heart rate sits at 110. You know this because you've been checking it obsessively—the medication that was supposed to quiet the noise in your head has introduced a new and louder noise that goes your heart is beating too fast, check again, check again. You press two fingers to your wrist at odd moments. You watch the number on the app and feel your own heartbeat from the inside, knocked loose, a stone rolling around with no good place to settle. Your hands shake when you try to write—not dramatically, just enough that each sentence feels slightly out of reach, like you're trying to catch something that keeps sliding off the edge of your grip.
And you still can't start the most important task on any given day.
You can start other things. You've reorganised the kitchen cupboards twice, refolded everything in your wardrobe, cleaned the skirting boards with a cotton bud because something made that seem urgent at the time. But the thing that matters most just sits there, dense and immovable at the centre of the day, and the Adderall doesn't touch it. It gave you access to a different set of tasks. Just not the right ones.
You don't tell Aaron for a few days. You want to keep the possibility open that you're wrong, that the brain you had in week one is just temporarily misplaced and not already gone.
"Your hands are doing the thing," he says one evening, watching you try to write.
"They're fine."
"They're shaking."
"They're fine, Aaron."
He doesn't push it. He gets up and makes tea and sets a mug next to your laptop, and you both pretend for a little while longer. But that night in bed, when the lights are off and it's easier to say things into the dark, you tell him. Your heart rate. That you still can't start the thing that matters. That the three days in week one feel like they happened to someone else now, like a window you looked through for a moment before someone closed it.
He's quiet for a moment, his hand resting on your back.
"The lights didn't stay on," you say. "They just—flickered. Into a different colour."
"We'll call Dr. Reyes in the morning," he says.
We. Just that, like it was never in question.
Your psychiatrist switches you to Vyvanse. Then Strattera. Then Wellbutrin as an adjunct, because sometimes things work better in combination, because your brain is a lock and they're still working through possible keys. Each one is its own small country with its own particular terrain, and you arrive at each border with your bags packed for somewhere else entirely.
Vyvanse makes you feel quieter—but not in a good way, quiet like a room where all the furniture has been taken out, the dimensions still there but nothing to soften them, the sound of your own footsteps too loud on the bare floor. Functional but flat, like a photograph of yourself, the depth missing. Aaron notices before you name it. He asks, one evening, whether you've cried recently.
"I don't think so," you say, and then, realising: "Should I be worried about that?"
"I don't know," he says, which is the honest answer. "What does it feel like from the inside?"
"Like I'm watching things through glass. Like I'm there but not—in it."
He types something in his phone. You watch him do it—the deliberateness of it, the way he glances at you first before he types, like he's making sure he has the right words—but you don't ask what. You're not sure you're ready to know.
Strattera takes six weeks to build to a therapeutic level, which means six weeks of side effects—fatigue, nausea, a headache that settles behind your eyes and doesn't move—with no corresponding benefit, no change in the thing you're trying to change, just side effects and waiting. You have to explain this to people. You're still waiting. You're on week three and nothing has changed and yes you're still taking it. The appointments with Dr. Reyes are every three weeks and Aaron drives you to every one. He sits in the waiting room with a case file open on his lap, and every time you come out he looks up immediately—not anxiously, just attentively, with all of himself pointed at you in that particular way he has.
"How was it?" he asks, in the car.
"She says give it another two weeks."
"Okay."
"She said it could still work. That six weeks is the minimum, not the ceiling."
"Do you believe her?"
You look out the window at the passing street. "I don't know. I want to."
"That's enough," he says. "For now, that's enough."
The Wellbutrin comes after, as an add-on, and for four days you think—carefully, cautiously—that maybe this is the one. You feel more like yourself. The flat interior quality of the Vyvanse lifts a little, some air coming in. You tell Aaron at dinner and he listens with his whole face and says "that's good" and means it, and you can see him trying not to hope too hard, holding his hope at a manageable level.
Then the nausea starts.
Not dramatic nausea—just a constant low-grade wrongness in your stomach that colours everything the way dye in water colours everything, spreading until you can't find the place it came from. You eat less. Then you eat almost nothing, because eating makes it worse, and after two days of that your psychiatrist calls and asks how you're managing, and there's a pause, and then she says: "There are other options we can look at."
Her voice has that particular gentleness. The gentleness that means we're running out of the easy ones.
You sit on the bathroom floor that night.
You don't decide to. You're brushing your teeth and then you're just sitting down, back against the bath, legs straight out on the cold tile, the toothbrush still in your hand. Not a breakdown—not yet. More like a system reaching its limit and doing a controlled shutdown, the way a phone powers off cleanly when the battery's gone rather than just going dark without warning. You sit there and you don't get up.
Aaron comes to find you. He must have noticed the light still on, or the quiet, because he appears in the doorway still in his work clothes—the jacket is gone but the shirt is untucked and he looks like a man who came home and didn't quite get around to changing. He takes in the toothbrush in your hand, the floor, the specific quality of your stillness.
He doesn't say oh no. He doesn't introduce urgency into a moment that doesn't need it. He lowers himself to the floor beside you—gracefully for a man of his size, which you've always found slightly unfair—and sits down with his back against the bath, his knee pressed against yours, his legs stretched out the same direction as yours.
The bathroom light hums very faintly. The toothbrush is still in your hand.
"What if nothing works," you say.
It's not a question. The worst version of this thought never arrives as a question—it arrives with the settled weight of a conclusion, solid and airless, the thing you've been pressing down for months finally surfacing because you've run out of the energy it takes to keep submerging it. What if nothing works. What if you're the specific configuration of brain chemistry that sits just outside the range of what the available tools were designed for. What if the gap between intending and doing is just structural, permanent, and you spend the rest of your life standing in doorways.
Aaron doesn't rush to answer. He sits with it long enough that you feel his deliberateness—this isn't him stalling, it's him giving the question the weight it deserves.
He brings his hand to the back of your neck, warm and certain, his thumb settling at the top of your spine. You feel the pressure of it from the inside—your shoulders drop half an inch, your next breath comes a fraction more easily, like something was clenching and has now been given permission to stop.
He doesn't fill the silence with a reassurance he'd have to lie to give you. It'll definitely work out. He doesn't say it. You'll definitely be okay. He doesn't say that either.
"I know," he says.
Then: "I'm here."
You turn your face slightly toward him without quite looking at him. "I'm so tired," you say. "I'm just—I'm so tired of it."
"I know."
"I can't even—" You stop. Start again. "I can't keep track of my own medications. I have to ask you what I'm on. I can't remember what I told her last appointment." Your voice does something at the edges. "It's the thing the disorder takes, Aaron. The keeping-track thing. That's the thing it takes first."
He doesn't say that's what I'm here for in a way that's meant to fix it. He understands—or tries to, and tries harder than anyone you've ever known—that it's not about him being there. It's about the particular cruelty of needing to manage a thing that steals your ability to manage things. He just sits with that too, his hand warm on the back of your neck, his knee against yours on the tile.
"Come on," he says, eventually. "Come to bed."
You let him help you up. He takes the toothbrush from your hand and puts it back in its holder, and it's such a small thing that it almost undoes you completely.
You do break down. Eventually.
It's two weeks later, on an ordinary Wednesday. Not in a moment of particular crisis, not at the end of a visibly terrible day, but in the middle of something ordinary, when the accumulation finally exceeds the container. You're in the kitchen. You're supposed to be making dinner and instead you're standing at the counter, again, in the gap, again, feeling the wall between you and the simple act of opening the fridge—and something about the familiarity of it, the fact that this is still happening, that you're still here and the wall is still here and nothing has fundamentally changed—breaks the last of whatever was holding.
It's ugly. It's loud. Your face goes swollen and red very quickly and you cry in the way you only cry when you've stopped caring how you look, great heaving sobs that shake you like a thing being wrung out by the shoulders.
Aaron is there within seconds—he must have heard it from the other room, must have recognised the register of it, because he doesn't hesitate. His arms are around you from behind and you turn into him and he holds you and you cry into his shirt and he doesn't try to stop it or move you past it. He just holds the full size of it with you.
You say things that sound terrible and true.
You tell him you're exhausted by your own brain—not sad, not angry, just worn to the most fundamental degree, ground down to a place where there's nothing left that isn't tired. You can't keep being a person who needs this much scaffolding just to get through a day—the alarms for every task, the app that reminds you to drink water because otherwise you forget for eight hours, the body double videos you play so your brain believes someone else is present and will therefore cooperate, the log in his phone, the appointments, the medication trials, the routines you build and rebuild and inevitably abandon. None of it is enough. You are so tired of needing all of it and still falling short.
"I feel like I'm standing behind glass," you say, and you can hear how wrecked your voice is, how it keeps fracturing. "Everyone else just—lives. They wake up and do things. They think of something and they do it. They make a plan and follow it through because the thread doesn't just go dead in their hands between the thinking and the doing. And I can't even make myself open the fridge, Aaron, I've been standing here for ten minutes trying to open the fridge."
"I know," he says.
"It's not hard. There's food in it. I know I need to eat. And I just—can't start." Your face is pressed into his shoulder. You can feel the fabric getting wet. "I'm so tired of it being a war. Every day. Just waking up is a war. And I'm so tired of losing."
"You're not losing," he says, quietly.
"Aaron."
"You're here. You're still here."
"That's not the same as winning."
He doesn't argue with that. You feel the breath he takes—deliberate and slow. "No," he says. "It's not."
"I don't know what to do," you say. Your voice is down to almost nothing. "I don't know what to try next. I don't know how many more times I can do this."
He holds you tighter—not to compress you or make you smaller, just so you can feel the full fact of him there, arms around you, not flinching, not calculating how to end this, holding the size of you, the mess and the noise and every sharp edge.
"I know," he says. And then, after a pause long enough to mean it: "You don't have to know right now."
You cry harder. Because it's the right thing to say, the exact right thing, and your brain—exhausted and wrung out as it is—is still an instrument finely tuned to the right thing, still responds to it like a chord that was always meant to resolve but had been suspended for months. He holds on.
Later—you don't know how much later, time gets slippery—you're back in the kitchen, the worst of it through, and Aaron is making toast because toast is the only thing that seemed manageable. You're sitting at the table with a glass of water he put in front of you without asking. The flat is quiet. Your face is tight from crying.
"I have to call Dr. Reyes tomorrow," you say.
"I'll remind you," he says.
"I should be able to remember to make my own—"
"I'll remind you," he says again, without inflection, just as a fact.
You look at him at the toaster, still in the clothes he came home in, and you feel something large and ungainly in your chest that doesn't have a single name. Gratitude is part of it. Love is more of it. The specific ache of being well-cared-for when you don't feel like you deserve it yet.
"Aaron," you say.
"Mm."
"The log. In your phone."
He turns to look at you. His expression doesn't change much, but it shifts.
"I saw it," you say. "A few weeks ago. I only saw two lines."
He's quiet for a moment. Then: "I should have told you about it."
"No, I—" You stop. "I'm glad you have it. I'm glad someone has it. I just—" You press your fingers to your eyes for a moment. "The way you wrote it. Felt flattened out. Just that. Like each thing mattered specifically."
"It does," he says.
"I know," you say. "Thank you."
He puts the toast on a plate and brings it to the table and sits across from you, and for a while you both just sit there, and you eat the toast, and neither of you needs to fill the silence.
Afterward, you're in bed.
The flat is still a mess—the dishes still in the sink, patient as scripture, the laundry still in the dryer and probably unsalvageable now. Tomorrow there'll be a phone call, another appointment, another conversation about options and side effects and what's next. Nothing is fixed. The night doesn't have the shape of a night with a resolution inside it.
Aaron's hand moves slowly through your hair.
You're lying with your head on his chest, your eyes swollen almost shut, heavy and sore. Your breathing is still catching on the tail end of it—a small involuntary hitch, the aftershock. His heartbeat is steady under your cheek. Not performing steadiness—just steady, the way things are steady when they've been still for a long time and have no intention of moving, the way a stone at the bottom of a river just remains.
You press your face into his shirt.
He says your name. Once, quietly—not urgently, not as a prelude to anything. Just your name in his voice, offered to the dark with no weight behind it except the weight of meaning it. The particular sound of your name when someone is glad it exists.
You feel it in your sternum.
The dishes are still in the sink. The laundry is still wet. Tomorrow is still coming with everything it's carrying—the phone call, the careful and exhausting work of describing your own brain so that someone can try again to help it. The gap between intending and doing will still be there, the wall still smooth and invisible, still rising every morning just before you need it not to. You've stopped expecting it to go anywhere overnight, and that itself is a kind of grief.
But Aaron's hand is in your hair, moving slow and steady, unhurried, and your breathing is evening out—the hitches coming further apart, your body doing the quiet work of settling because bodies do that, eventually, even the ones attached to brains like yours, even when you're sure they won't. Outside the window the street makes its ordinary sounds—a car, someone's footsteps, a door—the world carrying on without requiring anything of you.
You are still here. He is still here. That isn't a resolution. It's just what's true tonight, and there's something in the fact that it requires nothing from you—no follow-through, no forward momentum, no crossing the gap between intention and action—that lets you breathe.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Disabled!Reader
Summary: A bad morning with your heart leads to a hospital visit, but Aaron's steadiness makes even the hardest parts feel less like carrying it alone.
Tags: disabled!reader, cardiac-valvular EDS, cardiac episode, hurt/comfort, hospital visit, soft!aaron hotchner, aaron being so quietly prepared it undoes you, he learned the medication order, he saved the number, he made a list of questions, he adjusted your scarf at a red light, chronic illness, the weight of a familiar road, this time and the weight of those two words, the relief and the dread in the same breath, no use of y/n, slow tender love, intimacy without drama, being known in the specific and granular way, he reads you like evidence, he never offers exits he can't mean, falling asleep to a steadier heartbeat, your heart is imperfect and so loved, cozy domestic aftermath, soup negotiations, fluff, hurt/comfort, quiet devotion in every small thing
Word Count: 4.3k words
The morning sun filters through the curtains in thin, pale strips, and you feel the weight of Aaron's hand resting on your hip before you feel anything else—warm, heavy, anchoring you to the mattress like a stone dropped into shallow water. His fingers are lax with sleep. His breathing is slow and even against the back of your neck, the particular rhythm of a man who's finally, after years of a job that doesn't let you fully rest, learned how to do it properly.
Before you even open your eyes, you notice it.
Your heart is doing that thing again.
Not painful, exactly. But wrong. A flutter, a skip, a rhythm that doesn't quite belong to you—like someone's changed the time signature mid-song without telling the rest of the orchestra. Your chest feels tight in the way that has no clean name, the kind of tight that isn't pain but lives right next door to it and shares a wall, and when you shift against the sheets, testing it, the lightheadedness hits fast enough that you go still again. The room hasn't moved. You know that. But your body hasn't gotten the memo, and for a moment everything tilts on an axis that only you can feel.
You breathe. Count.
You know this feeling the way you know the layout of your own kitchen in the dark—by memory, by repetition, by the particular shape of having navigated it so many times that your body does it without you. The flutter is familiar. The tightness is familiar. Even the lightheadedness, that particular brand of the world deciding to tilt without asking you first, is familiar. Your heart has never quite agreed with the rest of you about how it's supposed to work. The valves do what they do—leak a little, strain a little, make themselves known at inconvenient hours—and you've learned, over years, to tell the difference between the kind of morning that rights itself by noon and the kind that needs more than patience.
This one, you think, needs more than patience.
You know this. You've known it since long before Aaron. Long before any of this.
It doesn't make it easier to lie here and catalogue it.
Aaron stirs. His hand tightens on your hip—reflex first, consciousness second—and you feel the exact moment he surfaces from sleep, the shift in his breathing, the slight tension moving through his arm.
"Morning," he murmurs, and his lips press to the curve of your shoulder, warm and unhurried, the kind of kiss that isn't asking anything, just—there. Just his way of saying he's here, he's awake, this is where he wants to be.
Then he looks at you.
His soft "good morning" dies on his lips.
He's learned to read you in the specific and granular way that takes time, and patience, and the willingness to be wrong a few times first. He'd been wrong early on—had said are you okay? in that careful, measured voice, calibrating his concern against what he thought you needed, and you'd smiled and said I'm fine and he'd known, even then, that those were two different conversations. He doesn't do that anymore. Now his eyes move over your face the way they move over evidence: careful, unhurried, gathering information before he commits to a conclusion.
"How bad?"
The fact that he doesn't say what's wrong—that he already knows to ask how bad—makes your throat tighten in a way that has nothing to do with your heart and everything to do with him.
"Manageable," you say, which is true, and not the same as fine, and you both know it.
He holds your gaze for a moment. Just a moment, long enough for you to see the thing that moves through his expression—not panic, not pity, something quieter and harder to name than either—and then he reaches up and tucks a piece of hair behind your ear, his thumb resting briefly against your jaw. It's such a small gesture. It lands like a whole sentence.
"Okay," he says. "Okay."
He doesn't say it twice because he needs convincing. He says it twice the way you say it to yourself sometimes in the mirror—like the word is an anchor, like repetition makes it real.
He's already reaching for his phone.
Not emergency services—that distinction matters, and he's never gotten it wrong, not once, which tells you everything about how carefully he listened when you explained it to him—but your cardiologist's line, saved under Dr. Reyes - cardiac (non-emergency). He'd added that parenthetical himself, early on. So I know, he'd said. When it's that line, I know. The phone screen throws cold blue light across his face in the dim room, and you watch his jaw set with the particular tension of a man doing the only useful thing available to him and being grimly, privately frustrated that there isn't more.
"I'm going to get your morning meds while it rings," he says, already sliding out of the bed with the unhurried efficiency of someone who has thought through the sequence in advance. "Don't sit up too fast."
"I know not to sit up too fast," you say, which comes out more fond than pointed.
"I know you know," he says, glancing back at you over his shoulder, and there's the ghost of something warmer than a smile at the corner of his mouth. "Humour me."
You hear him in the kitchen—the soft percussion of cabinet doors, the tap running, the faint clink of pill bottles. You've told him where everything is so many times that he moves through it without thinking now, without having to ask, and there's something both quietly lovely and quietly painful about that. About how much of this he's absorbed. About how much there is to absorb.
You know the drill.
You've known it for years. The event monitor, the echo, the waiting room with its particular smell of recycled air and recycled patience. The specific exhaustion of a body that requires more management than most, the weight of a condition that doesn't announce itself with drama but with interruption—with a heart that skips on a Tuesday morning, with the fatigue that follows a bad episode like a shadow dragging at your heels, with the quiet, ongoing renegotiation of what your day is going to look like. You've made a kind of peace with it. Mostly. The peace isn't clean; it has seams you can feel when you press on them.
Aaron comes back with a glass of water and your morning medications in his palm, arranged in the order he's learned you take them, and he sits on the edge of the bed beside you and waits while you push yourself upright slowly, carefully, letting the blood pressure settle before you commit to being vertical.
"Still dizzy?" he asks.
"A bit," you say. "It's okay."
He watches you take the first tablet. Then he puts his free hand on your back, warm and flat between your shoulder blades—not rubbing, not doing anything in particular, just there—and you feel something in you unknot a fraction. He does that sometimes. Holds his hand there like he's taking your temperature in a language that doesn't have a name.
"Dr. Reyes is in at eight," he says. "I left a message."
"She's going to say the same thing she always says."
"Probably." He takes the empty glass back from you. "But I'll feel better hearing her say it."
You look at him. He's still in his pyjamas, his hair not yet tamed for the day, and he looks—softer, somehow, like this. Less like Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner and more like just Aaron, the man who hums under his breath while he makes breakfast without seeming to notice he's doing it, who leaves little notes in Jack's lunchbox that are so earnest they make your chest hurt, who will deliver an absolutely withering one-liner with a completely straight face and then look away before he lets himself smile. The man who kisses you hello like you've been gone a week even if you've only been in the other room. The man who looked at all of this—all of you, every complicated, high-maintenance, uncertain inch of you—and decided, without apparent hesitation, that this was exactly where he wanted to be.
"You don't have to come," you say. You say it every time, not because you mean it, but because you think he should always know it's an option.
He gives you the look. The one that's replaced whatever he used to say when you offered him an exit, because he realised, eventually, that answering it seriously was giving it more weight than it deserved.
"Get dressed," he says, and presses a kiss to your temple. "I'll warm the car up."
The drive is quiet in the way that means something—not the quiet of nothing to say but the quiet of too much, of words that would ring hollow no matter how carefully chosen. The city is still mostly asleep, or doing that early-morning version of itself, all pale light and near-empty streets, and Aaron drives with one hand on the wheel and one resting over yours on the centre console. He doesn't ask how you're feeling every five minutes. He'd tried that, once, and you'd gently told him that being asked repeatedly made the space between each question feel like waiting for a verdict, which was worse. He'd nodded, slow and serious, and he'd never done it again.
What he does instead is talk, low and matter-of-fact, filling the silence with logistics the way he fills gaps at crime scenes—purposefully, so nothing goes unaccounted for.
"I grabbed your medication list from the drawer. It's in my inside pocket."
"Thank you."
"Your sister knows. I kept it brief."
"She's going to ring me seventeen times."
"She already has. I told her we'd call when we knew something." He glances across at you, brief. "She said, and I quote, if he doesn't text me updates I'll drive down there."
You exhale, something between a laugh and a sigh. "She would."
"I know," he says, with a tone that suggests he's fully prepared to facilitate exactly that if it comes to it. He squeezes your hand once, quick and warm, then settles back.
Each small practicality lands like a stone placed carefully in the gap left by everything he can't fix—the insurance card, the medication list, the text to your sister. It's not plugging anything. It's acknowledging the shape of it. Somehow that's more comforting than any promise that everything will be fine, because promises about outcomes are hollow things, fragile as spun glass, and he's too careful with you to offer you something he can't guarantee.
You look at his profile against the pale morning. The strong set of his jaw, the slight furrow between his brows that never fully smooths, the way his thumb traces a slow arc across your knuckles without him seeming to notice he's doing it. You feel the love for him as a physical thing, warm and a little unwieldy, sitting in your chest alongside everything else that's happening in there.
At the hospital, there's a particular exhaustion in being somewhere familiar for reasons you wish weren't familiar. It's not the exhaustion of navigating something new—it's heavier than that, more specific. The weariness of a path you've worn into the ground through repetition, each visit adding another layer to the groove. The same corridor, the same intake forms you could fill in with your eyes closed, the same knowledge that you're here not because something went catastrophically wrong but because your body is doing what it's always done, which is require more attention than most.
The nurse at the desk—Maricel, who's been here as long as you have, more or less—looks up and gives you a small nod that contains an entire conversation.
"Same as before?" she asks.
"More or less," you say.
"We'll get you in." She glances at Aaron, who is already holding your coat and has already found the chairs nearest the door without being told. "He can come back with you once you're settled."
"I know," you say. "Thank you."
It goes the way it always goes. The event monitor first—the leads cold against your skin, the familiar catch of adhesive, the particular indignity of sitting still while technology makes its assessment. Aaron sits in the plastic chair beside the bed, close enough that his knee presses against yours, steady and constant. He's brought a small notepad, and he writes something on it while you wait, and when you raise an eyebrow at him he shows you: a list of questions for Dr. Reyes, neat and numbered. Nothing catastrophising. Practical. Specific.
"You made a list," you say.
"I had time in the waiting room." He caps the pen. "Is that alright?"
"It's very you," you say, which isn't a complaint, and he seems to know that.
He reaches over and tucks your hand into both of his, and his thumb makes slow circles on the back of it while the machines hum their flat, uninvested language around you. He doesn't look at his phone. Doesn't check his watch. He asks you, after a while, if you're warm enough, and when you say mostly he drapes your coat across your lap without comment. He tells you about a restaurant Jack mentioned wanting to try, something new in the neighbourhood, and you talk about that for a while—whether Jack's developed sophisticated taste or just seen an advert—and it's ordinary, and strange, and exactly right, this small island of ordinary in the middle of all of this.
You appreciate it more than you'll ever fully articulate.
When Dr. Reyes comes in, her expression is the particular neutral of someone who is not alarmed, and you feel your body calibrate to it automatically, the way you've calibrated over years of learning to read the register of medical faces before they speak.
"Good morning," she says, and she looks at Aaron. "You must be the partner."
"Aaron Hotchner," he says, and stands to shake her hand with a gravity that makes you want to smile, because he brings the same quality of serious attention to this that he brings to everything and it is, in its way, the most Aaron thing in the world.
"I have questions," he says.
"I saw the list," she says, which means Maricel told her, and she pulls up a chair. "Let's go through them."
He does. He asks about the specific presentation this morning, whether the pattern has shifted from previous episodes, what the event monitor data is showing so far, what the echo will tell them that it hasn't told them before. She answers him without condescension, and you watch him listen in the way he listens when he's building a complete picture, absorbing everything, storing it. At one point his hand finds yours again on the bed—just rests there, not quite holding, just touching—without him breaking eye contact with Dr. Reyes.
You think: he's doing this for himself as much as for me. Not in a selfish way. In the way that someone who loves you needs to understand the landscape of what you're living with, needs the map, because the alternative—the blankness of not knowing—is worse for him than any difficult information could be.
The verdict, when it comes, is the verdict you've been holding your breath for.
The episode doesn't require intervention.
This time, she says, and the words land the way they always do—relief and the quiet weight of but there will be a next time arriving in the same breath, neither cancelling the other out. You've learned to hold both. The relief is real, immediate, like the first full breath after being underwater too long. The weight is also real. It doesn't leave when she does. You've stopped expecting it to.
You've made peace with that.
Mostly.
Aaron is still learning to.
You see it in him as Dr. Reyes goes through discharge. He's writing down everything she says, and his handwriting is neater than it needs to be, the way handwriting gets when you're focusing harder than the task strictly requires. He asks one more question—about activity levels for the rest of the day—and she tells him light is fine, no strenuous anything, listen to your body. She looks at you when she says the last part, not him. You appreciate that too.
When she leaves, Aaron sits for a moment without speaking, forearms braced on his knees, head slightly bowed. You reach out and put your hand on his back, between his shoulder blades, the way he does for you.
He exhales.
"Okay," he says.
"Yeah," you say. "Okay."
He looks up at you, and there's something in his face that he's stopped trying to manage in front of you—not fear exactly, but the long shadow of it, the place where fear has been living and has left a mark. He lifts your hand from his back and holds it in both of his, his thumb pressed to your pulse point at your wrist, and he stays like that for a moment. Not saying anything. Just—feeling it. Feeling you.
"Hotchner," you say softly.
"I know," he says. "I know."
He brings your hand up and presses his lips to your knuckles, slow and deliberate, his eyes closing briefly, and it's the most unbuttoned you've ever seen him in a fluorescent-lit hospital room, which is saying something.
The drive home is different from the drive there. Still quiet, but the texture of it has changed—softer now, more settled, the quiet of two people who've come through something and are still here. He drives with his hand over yours again, but looser now, the grip of comfort rather than the grip of effort. At a red light he reaches over without looking and adjusts your scarf where it's slipped, tugs it back around your throat with a careful, practiced efficiency, and you watch him do it like it's the most natural thing in the world. Like it's not something that would have required a whole conversation to explain to someone else.
"I'm going to make soup," he says, as if this has been the plan all along.
"You make terrible soup," you say.
"I make competent soup. There's a difference." He considers. "Jack says it's good."
"Jack is eleven and will eat anything if it's in a bowl."
He almost smiles. It reaches his eyes, the real one, the rare one, and you feel it like sunlight through glass—indirect, but warm. "I'll order from the place on Clement Street," he says. "Is that acceptable."
"That's acceptable," you say.
"Good." He squeezes your hand. Doesn't let go.
That night, he holds you closer than usual.
You've already eaten—he'd ordered enough for approximately four people and pretended not to notice when you only managed half of yours, had simply put the rest in the fridge and said whenever you want it without making it into anything—and you're in bed earlier than normal, earlier than either of you would typically admit to, the day having taken more from you than it appears to on the surface. It always does. That's the other part of this no one talks about: the aftermath isn't just physical. It's the low-grade depletion of managing your own fear all day, of performing okay-ness for people at the edges of your life, of carrying the weight of a body that asks more of you than you sometimes have to give.
You don't have to perform with Aaron. That's not nothing. That's, actually, most of it.
He's lying propped against the pillows with a book he's barely reading, his reading glasses low on his nose, and you settle against his side and feel his arm come around you immediately, no hesitation, like a reflex he's stopped questioning. He puts the book down. He doesn't make a thing of it. His lips brush your temple, warm and unhurried, and his hand begins to move in slow, absent patterns on your arm—not a conscious gesture, just the thing his hands do when he wants to touch you and doesn't need a reason.
"Hey," you say, quietly, against his shoulder.
"Hey," he says.
"Thank you. For today."
He's quiet for a moment. His hand stills on your arm, then starts moving again. "You don't have to thank me for that."
"I know I don't. I'm doing it anyway."
He turns his head and presses a proper kiss to your hairline, lingering, his face half-buried in your hair. You feel him breathe. Feel him settle.
"I looked up the valve stuff again," he says, eventually, careful and quiet. "Last night. Before we fell asleep. I know you've explained it. I just wanted to—" he pauses, "—I wanted to understand what it's doing in there. Why it does what it does."
Your throat does something complicated. "And?"
"And I think your heart is working harder than it should have to," he says. "Which makes two of us."
You laugh, soft and unexpected, and you feel him smile against your hair. You tuck yourself closer, your head against his chest, and you can hear it—his heart, steady and reliable, a metronome you've fallen asleep to enough times now that it's as familiar as your own. The contrast is not lost on you. You've thought about it, in quieter moments. The strange intimacy of having a body that makes itself known while his just—works, quietly, without complaint. There are bad days when that particular disparity sits heavily. Tonight it doesn't. Tonight it just feels like two different things existing alongside each other in the same dark room.
"You can ask me things," you say. "If you want to understand it. You can just ask."
"I know," he says. "Sometimes I don't want to make you explain yourself when you're already—" he considers, and you feel the pause, the care he takes with it, "—when you've already spent the day dealing with it."
"Sometimes that's the right call," you admit. "But not always."
"Tell me when."
"I will."
His arm tightens around you slightly, a quiet emphasis, and you close your eyes and listen to the slow, even sound of him breathing and the muffled ambient noise of the city outside, indifferent and continuous, going about its business in the dark. In here the room is warm, and the lamp on his nightstand throws a low amber light, and your heart—still imperfect, still yours, still navigating the particular complexity of connective tissue that never quite behaved the way the textbooks said it should—your heart beats on.
It doesn't beat the way other hearts do.
It never has.
It beats a little too fast sometimes and a little wrong and occasionally it skips steps entirely, like a record jumping its groove, like a sentence that starts one way and ends another. It has, over the years, accumulated its own file at the cardiology practice, its own notes, its own history. You've sat in rooms like today's room so many times that you know what the machines sound like when they're recording and what the faces look like when the news is good. You know the relief and the this time in the same breath. You've built a life inside the space between manageable and fine and learned that it's a perfectly liveable space, if smaller than you might have chosen.
You think about what Aaron said. Working harder than it should have to. You think about that without resentment, tonight—just as a fact, a characteristic, like the way you've learned not to stand up too fast, or the way you know by now that a run of bad nights will catch up to your chest before it catches up to anything else, or the way you have to plan around things that other people don't think about. Just your body, doing what it does. Just yours.
Aaron's hand has stilled on your arm. His breathing is getting heavier. He always falls asleep before he means to, especially on days like this, when he's been running on careful attention for hours, on the particular energy expenditure of being present rather than useful, which is harder for him than the useful.
You watch his chest rise and fall.
You think about the notepad full of questions, and the medication in the right order, and the way he adjusted your scarf at the traffic light without thinking about it. You think about tell me when and I wanted to understand and the press of his lips against your knuckles in a fluorescent-lit hospital room, eyes closed, utterly unbuttoned, holding your wrist like it contained something necessary.
You don't know what you did to get here. You're not sure the question is the right one.
You just know that when your heart does its sideways thing on a Tuesday morning, and the world narrows down to holding still and counting beats, there is a hand on your hip before you've even said a word—and that the man attached to it has already memorised the medication order, already saved the number under non-emergency, already learned the difference between your kinds of stillness.
Outside, the city hums on, indifferent and full of itself.
In here, Aaron's arm tightens around you in his sleep—a reflex, unconscious, the thing his body does without permission—and you feel it like a second heartbeat, steadier than your own.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Disabled!Reader
Summary: You're past your breaking point—pain, exhaustion, a screaming toddler—and Aaron is the only thing keeping you from falling apart.
Tags: disabled!reader, single mum!reader, multiple sclerosis, depictions of chronic pain, parenting while chronically ill, overstimulation, breakdown, reader is trying so hard, aaron being steady, reader needs help and finally accepts it, caregiving in both directions, emotional exhaustion, hurt/comfort, fluff woven into the ache, no use of y/n, aaron hotchner is soft with your baby, reader cries and cries and cries, the relief of not being alone
Word count: 3.3k words
Series Masterlist
It's been a week of bad nights and worse pain. One of those long, grinding stretches where time ceases to mean anything at all. It all blends together—four a.m. feels no different from midday, and you stop bothering to check the clock. Sleep is a fading memory, a ghost of a thing you used to know, and now all you have is survival. You move through the days fuelled by caffeine and necessity, by the relentless demands of motherhood and the heavy, dragging resistance of your own body. The ache in your joints is constant, each flare like fire under your skin, and the fatigue coils in your chest like fog, thick and suffocating.
You don't remember the last time you truly rested. Rest implies ease, implies stillness—and your life has been anything but. Lottie's newest tooth has turned her nights into minefields, and your body—worn down by flare after flare—has become a traitor in your own home. The days blur together, one long stretch of aching limbs, half-finished mugs of tea, and lullabies murmured through clenched teeth. Sometimes you think about asking for help, but you don't even know what you'd ask for. A pause? A moment of silence? A second pair of arms?
And now, tonight—again. The seventh bad night in a row, if you're counting, though you've long since lost track. Lottie is cutting another canine, and this one is worse than the last. She's hot with frustration and overtired beyond reason, her whole small body wound tight and squirming in your arms. Her cheeks are flushed, her curls damp, her little fists clenched around her bunny. She won't let go of it, not even as she sobs into your shoulder with desperate, breathless hiccups. Every cry scrapes your nerves raw. It's a sound that bypasses your ears entirely and latches onto your bones, rattling you apart from the inside.
You rock her, bounce her gently, whispering nonsense into her hair. The familiar rhythm—left foot, right foot, sway—should soothe her. It doesn't. She cries harder. Her little legs kick with fevered insistence, her fingers clawing at your collar. The heat from her skin is oppressive, and your own sweat sticks your clothes to your aching frame.
Pain lances through your hip first. Then your wrist. You grit your teeth. But it's the sharp, burning flare behind your left knee that knocks the air from your lungs. Your balance teeters, your cane skitters an inch to the side, and you nearly lose your grip on her as your knees threaten to buckle. She doesn't fall—thank God—but the lurch has your heart in your throat. You gasp and reposition her clumsily, wincing as your back protests with a sharp twist of its own.
Still, you rock her. Because what else can you do? You can't put her down—she screams the moment you try. And the idea of letting her cry it out while you curl on the floor and cry too feels less like parenting and more like surrender.
You've been on your feet for too long, pushing past your limits again. Your body feels brittle, like a structure about to collapse under its own weight. Every joint throbs, every muscle pulled taut with effort. You're soaked with sweat, trembling under the strain, and Lottie just sobs harder, her little legs kicking weakly, the bunny pressed tight between you.
She won't sleep. Won't be soothed. Won't let go. And you're right there with her. Barely hanging on. You're fraying at every seam, thread by exhausted thread.
Your breath catches in your chest. The fog in your brain thickens. You're vaguely aware of the tears on your face only after they've already soaked your cheeks, hot and bitter. You don't even remember starting to cry. The sting behind your eyes is just one more pain layered on top of the rest, and your chest feels too tight, like you're being squeezed from the inside. You're past the point of words, of coherent thought. There's just the crying—hers, yours—and the relentless, aching pressure of your own failing body.
And then his voice cuts through the noise, low and immediate.
"Hey. Hey, it's okay. I've got her."
Aaron.
You blink, dazed, startled by how close he is. When did he get up? You didn't hear him move. One moment you were alone in the fog, and the next he's standing in front of you, solid and steady, a hand already reaching. His eyes are full of concern, soft with something gentler than pity—love, maybe. Or knowing. Maybe both. He looks at you like he sees everything. Like you don't have to explain.
You hesitate. So does Lottie. Her fingers twist tighter into your jumper as she lets out another thin wail. Your arms tighten instinctively around her, the reflex to hold on, to not let go, even as your body trembles from the effort. Letting go feels like failure. Like admitting you couldn't do it. Like breaking a promise.
Aaron's hand brushes yours, warm and sure. "Come on, sweetheart," he says, voice low and coaxing. "Let's give Mama a break, huh?"
You hesitate for a breath longer, then nod—barely. Just enough. Just long enough to breathe. He waits for you. He always waits.
He's gentle as he lifts her from your arms, careful of the way she clings. She whimpers at the shift but doesn't protest, not really. Not once she's in his arms. Her bunny stays clutched in one hand, damp and worn. He presses a kiss to her curls.
"Hi, sweet girl," he murmurs, soft as velvet. "Shh, I've got you. It's alright now."
And somehow, she listens. Not completely. But enough. Her sobs start to lose their edge, replaced by small, tired whines as she buries her face in his shoulder.
You collapse onto the sofa like your bones have liquefied, like gravity has doubled in strength. Your cane slips from your fingers with a muted clatter. Your hands shake. Your whole body does. Every nerve feels flayed raw, every muscle twitching with exhaustion and pain.
You bury your face in your hands, not sure if you're hiding or trying to hold yourself together. You want to scream. You want to sleep for a year. You want to crawl out of your own aching skin. Mostly, you want to be enough. Just tonight.
Across the room, Aaron begins to pace, slow and rhythmic, his voice threading through the silence like a lullaby. Not words—just humming, low and aimless and tender. You hear the soft creak of the floorboards under his steps, the rustle of fabric, the way his voice dips and rises like a heartbeat. His presence wraps the room in something warm and steady, like a soft blanket pulled up over a storm.
Lottie's sobs are quieter now. Still there, but softening. She sags a little against him, her breathing more even. Her fingers loosen around the bunny, though she still holds it close. She shifts, presses her face deeper into his shirt. He murmurs something low you can't quite make out—maybe a lullaby, maybe just the rhythm of her name. It doesn't matter. She knows his voice. She knows he's safe.
"I couldn't—" you start, voice barely audible. "I was trying to—"
Aaron doesn't stop walking, but he turns his head just enough to look at you. His eyes are kind, unwavering. "You've done everything. She's just hurting."
You nod, but it's not enough to push the guilt down. The frustration is molten beneath your skin, heavy and awful. You hate this—being limited. Being in pain. Being unable to do what your baby needs. You feel like you're letting her down, and that feeling is worse than anything your body could do to you. You dig your nails into your palm, trying to tether yourself to something other than failure.
"I should've—"
"Don't." His voice cuts in gently but firmly. "Don't do that to yourself."
You look at him, blinking hard. Your throat burns. "She wouldn't settle. I tried everything. I've been trying for—I don't even know how long."
"You're exhausted."
"So is she."
"She knows you're here."
His voice anchors you. Not stern. Not dismissive. Just honest. Like he's reminding you of something you already know but forgot in the middle of the storm. Like he's offering you the grace you keep refusing to give yourself.
"She knows you love her," he says. "That doesn't go away because you need to sit down."
Lottie lets out a long, shaky sigh and shifts against him, her little face turned into his shoulder. Her limbs hang heavy now. Her bunny dangles from her grip. Her breathing slows.
Aaron adjusts her carefully, brushing a few curls back from her flushed forehead with his knuckles. "She's nearly there," he says, more to her than to you. But you hear it all the same. It lands in your chest and softens something hard.
You nod, throat too thick for words. And you watch him. Really watch him. The way he moves with her—so sure, so gentle, like this is second nature. The way he speaks to her, even now, with patience and warmth. You see the ease in his shoulders, the way his hand supports her back like it was always meant to fit there. Like he was meant to be here.
He's not just stepping in. He's stepping up. Again. Like he always does. Like he will.
Lottie settles into him like she belongs there. She does, in a way. Not his, not yet, but something close. Something real. And she trusts him. She always has. She reaches for him now without hesitation, calls him by name like she's always known how. It's not a replacement. It's an addition. One you didn't see coming, but now can't imagine going without.
The quiet in the flat is thick and fragile, like spun glass. You sit in it, heart sore and full and aching. The weight of everything finally easing, just a little. It's not over. It'll never be over, not really. But this—this moment—is something safe. Something warm. Something whole. You let your body soften into the cushions, let the tension fall out of your fingers. You breathe.
After a few more minutes, Lottie is quiet. Fully quiet. Her breathing deep and steady, her little hand slack against Aaron's chest. Her curls are still damp. Her bunny is limp.
He glances over at you, his voice a hush. "I'm going to put her down."
You nod, lips parted, eyes stinging. "Okay."
Aaron returns a few minutes later, the soft click of the door marking his re-entry into the room. You're still on the sofa, curled in on yourself, hands limp in your lap, body folded as if you might disappear into the cushions if you're still enough. Your spine aches with the weight of exhaustion, muscles drawn tight with effort. The silence is deeper now—no crying, no footsteps, just the gentle thrum of the night pressing in around you, filling the quiet with a kind of fragile stillness. Your breathing is shallow, uneven, like your lungs haven't caught up to the calm yet, as though some part of you is still waiting for the next thing to go wrong.
You feel distant from your body, disconnected in the way pain and fatigue sometimes make you feel—as though you're watching yourself from the outside, like your limbs aren't entirely yours anymore. The edges of the world feel blurry, soft-focused with exhaustion. You try to focus on the room: the dim light from the lamp, the familiar pattern of the rug, the faint smell of lavender from the oil diffuser you barely remember turning on. These small things tether you, keep you from drifting too far. But they're distant, too—muted, as if you're behind glass.
He crosses to you without a word, his presence filling the space long before he touches you. It's not just the sound of his steps—it's the weight of him, the sense of gravity that always seems to follow him into a room. The kind of presence that quiets the air around him, as if the room itself bends gently toward him. When he lowers himself onto his knees in front of you, it's with a kind of quiet reverence. No urgency. No questions. Just the quiet intention of someone who sees you, really sees you, and wants nothing more than to help you carry what you can't set down.
"Come here," he says softly, and it's not a command—it's an offering. His hands are already reaching for you, warm and sure and open. His voice is low but certain, gentle but solid, and it breaks something loose in your chest. A dam, a breath, a thread you didn't know you were holding so tightly. You feel it snap inside you.
You move before you mean to. Or maybe you've been waiting to fall into him all night. Your body shifts like it recognises him as the safest place it's known in weeks. Maybe longer. There's no hesitation in your movements, only gravity. Only need.
He pulls you into his arms like he means to hold you together. Like his arms can be scaffolding, keeping your breaking parts from falling apart entirely. There's no hesitation in him. No fear of your mess. He folds you against his chest, and your face presses into his shoulder. The scent of him—clean laundry, shampoo, something warm and familiar and steady—wraps around you like a blanket you didn't know you needed. His chest rises and falls in slow, steady rhythm, and your own breath begins to try and match it. Slowly. Unevenly. But trying.
That's when you cry. Really cry. Not the silent spill of tears from before, but the kind that claws its way out, sharp and raw and unrelenting. It rises from somewhere deep and old and aching, and once it starts, it doesn't stop. Your shoulders shake with the force of it. Your hands fist in the back of his shirt like you're drowning and he's the only thing keeping you afloat. You feel it everywhere—in your throat, your ribs, the backs of your eyes. It's not just exhaustion. It's grief, too, in some small, unnameable way. Grief for ease. For a body that doesn't betray you. For all the quiet moments you've had to hold alone. For the patience you've run out of. For the guilt that never lets up.
He doesn't flinch. Doesn't shift. Doesn't try to hush you.
Aaron just holds you. One arm curled firm around your waist, the other braced between your shoulder blades, anchoring you to something that doesn't move. There's nothing performative about it—he's just there. He doesn't whisper it's okay. Doesn't tell you to calm down, to breathe, to be strong. He just stays. Steady. Unmoving. Unyielding. A lighthouse in the middle of your storm. The rhythm of his breathing doesn't falter. His hands remain gentle, grounding.
Your sobs echo off the walls, harsh and gasping, then fall into trembling silence, only to rise again with the next wave. Each one crashes harder than the last, but still—he stays. His touch doesn't change, doesn't loosen, doesn't rush you along. There is no expectation in his embrace. Only presence. Only patience. He whispers nothing, offers no fixes, just exists around you, like something permanent. Something yours.
When the flood finally starts to ebb, when the worst of it passes and you're left wrung out and hollow, he shifts only slightly—just enough to press a kiss to the side of your head. His breath is warm against your temple, his stubble scraping gently across your skin. His thumb strokes slow circles into your back, grounding and gentle. The movements are small but sure, like he knows you need something to hold onto.
"You're doing so much," he whispers, voice hoarse with feeling. "You don't have to do it all alone."
You try to shake your head, to argue, but the words won't come. You don't even know what the argument would be. That you have to? That if you don't, everything will fall apart? That no one else knows how to do this right, how to be what she needs, how to navigate the chaos of your body and your girl and your life? The thoughts unravel, tangled and sharp, but none of them pass your lips.
But Aaron doesn't ask you for the words. He doesn't need them.
He leans back enough to look at you, his hands still holding on. His gaze doesn't waver. There's no pressure in his eyes—only compassion, and that quiet, unwavering steadiness that you've come to rely on more than you'd admit. He studies your face for a long moment, like he's memorising you. Like he wants to carry some of this for you, not just tonight but always. His thumbs brush the damp at your temples, and when you start to look away, his fingers gently guide you back.
"Let me do more."
It's not a demand. Not even a plea. It's a promise. A vow, quiet and sure. And something inside you twists at the gentleness of it. At the certainty. At the way he keeps showing up—not just for her, but for you. Over and over again. You feel it sink into you like warmth into frozen skin. Not melting you. But thawing. Slowly. Carefully. Without pressure.
You press your forehead to his and close your eyes, letting his breath mingle with yours. You're too tired to say thank you. Too tired to admit how much you need this. But your silence speaks for you, and he listens. He always listens.
Maybe tomorrow you'll still try to carry it all again. You probably will—because that's what you do. That's what you've always done. Even when it hurts. Even when it means tearing yourself open to make room for everything else. Even when it leaves nothing left for you. But maybe you'll let him carry a little more of it too. Maybe you'll hand over a corner of the burden and watch him take it without question.
But tonight, you let yourself lean.
Just for a little while.
You let yourself rest in the crook of his shoulder, your cheek damp and your eyes burning, but your limbs a little looser. His fingers stroke through your hair, his chin resting lightly atop your head. You don't speak. Neither does he. The silence stretches between you, not awkward, not heavy—just full. Full of breath, and warmth, and understanding. It's a silence you don't need to fill. It speaks its own language.
The moment lingers, stretches, deepens. Time slows. You feel the warmth of him pressed against you, the way he draws small shapes on your back with steady fingertips. It's like being held by the very idea of safety. You don't need to brace yourself anymore. You don't need to pretend. You don't have to be anything more than this: tired, aching, and held.
You hear the distant hum of the fridge, the faint buzz of streetlights through the windows, the slow rise and fall of Aaron's chest beneath your cheek. It's the kind of quiet that's not really quiet at all. It's alive. It holds you.
Outside, the city hums. The night carries on. But in here, in this quiet, worn-out flat, there is just breath and warmth and the quiet, fierce love of someone who refuses to let you break alone. Someone who sees the cracks and doesn't try to seal them up—just offers you a place to rest while you catch your breath. Someone who wraps his arms around all the aching parts of your life and says, without words, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. I see you.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Disabled!Reader
Summary: The pain is brutal tonight. CRPS sinks its teeth in deep, and all you can do is hold on. But Aaron is there—quiet, steady, unflinching.
Tags: disabled!reader, depictions of chronic pain, crps flare, reader has crps, flare night rituals, touch sensitivity, slow and gentle care, reader is nonverbal for most of it, sensory overload, hurt/comfort, established relationship, aaron is the softest caregiver in existence, this is what love looks like, no use of y/n, domestic fic of sorts, intimate caretaking, background jack, just a quiet tuesday night
Word count: 3.4k words
You knew it before the sun went down. One of those nights—the kind that slinks in beneath your ribs and settles, quiet but certain, before you've even kicked off your shoes or thought about dinner. It makes a home of you before you realise what's happening. The ache starts deep—somewhere behind your knees, maybe, or right between your shoulder blades—but it spreads fast. It blooms into something molten and hungry, coiling low and mean in the pit of your spine, slick and venomous, threading burning wires down through your nerves until your limbs start to scream. And still, somehow, impossibly, it gets worse.
It's not just pain tonight. It's the kind of pain that unravels you, fibre by fibre, that leaves no room in your lungs for words or breath or sense. Every inch of skin feels like it belongs to someone else. Every joint sings with static. Your head throbs in time with the pulsing in your toes. You've lost the thread of your own body. What remains is a tangle of heat and sharpness, a body bristling from the inside out. It's a siege, and you're the battleground.
Your limbs feel like they're encased in lead. Every small movement echoes through you like shrapnel. The worst part is knowing it'll be hours before your meds take the edge off, if they do at all. Some nights, even the strongest prescriptions feel like sandbags against a flood.
By the time the house quiets, you're already curled in bed. Or, at least, as curled as you can manage. Your body's locked into that shape pain forces on you—half-fetal, half-rigid, one leg twisted just enough to draw the worst of the fire away from your hip. It doesn't help. Nothing helps. You're buried under too many blankets and still shivering, heat pooled at your chest while your fingers go cold, the chill chewing at your knuckles. The fabric is too much. The air is too sharp. You shift and the brush of cotton is like a rasp over raw skin. Each fibre is a brand.
Your skin feels electric. Everything tingles—but not the good kind. Pins and needles turned sinister. Like your body is rejecting itself. Like every nerve ending has forgotten how to behave.
You stare up at the ceiling. It swims in and out of focus, your vision crawling at the edges. Light pools in shallow waves across the plaster, painted by the hallway lamp outside. The walls pulse, blur. Your eyes burn but you can't shut them. Your lashes stick together from the sweat gathered along your brow. Even blinking feels like friction.
The hallway light seeps under the door, a dull, honey-coloured spill that paints shifting waves in the darkness. Those waves pulse in time with the throb in your legs, the tight pull in your back, the high white burn behind your eyes. Even your eyelids hurt. There's no relief in closing them—just more vivid colour behind the lids, flashes of red and orange like nerves lit on fire.
You become hyper-aware of everything. The faint whir of the refrigerator motor. The tick of the kitchen clock. The hum of the heater kicking on, then off again. Each sound feels too loud, like it's inside your skull. You flinch at nothing, at everything. Even silence has weight tonight.
Somewhere down the hall, you hear the dishes—faint clinks, steady rinsing, the scrape of a plate into the rack. Aaron never leaves them overnight. Even after the worst days, even when sleep could steal him without warning, he finishes the routine. Something in him insists on it. Maybe it's control. Maybe it's comfort. Maybe it's the same reason he always folds towels the same way. You don't know. You just know the rhythm of it is familiar enough to bear. Tonight, it's the only sound that doesn't claw at you.
Jack's voice follows, a rise and fall of quiet tones as they go over homework together. English tonight, or maybe maths—it's hard to tell through the closed door, but you can hear the way Aaron's voice softens, patient even when Jack protests. That voice has always been an anchor, low and calm and sure, something that settles rather than startles. Even now, it slips under the door like warmth. A small mercy. A tether. You picture him at the kitchen table, sleeves rolled, glasses perched on his nose, one hand absently running over Jack's shoulder as he corrects an equation or explains the difference between a semicolon and a dash.
Eventually, Jack's voice fades. A door creaks open, then clicks shut. The water shuts off. Silence blooms.
But the silence that comes after stretches. Longer than usual. It presses against your ears, heavy and breathless. You know what it means. That pause, that hesitation—it's not indecision. It's awareness. He's gauging, waiting, listening for any sign from down the hall. And then you hear his footsteps.
When the bedroom door opens, it's with the kind of silence that only comes from long practice. He's learned how to move without making sound. Not just for nights like this—but for cases, for ghosts, for his own haunted quiet. He crosses the room slowly, each footstep measured like he's moving through glass. Not out of fear—but respect. Reverence, even.
"Still awake?"
You don't answer straight away. Your throat is a closed fist, dry and tight, and even nodding feels like too much. So you shift instead—just a little, barely perceptible, but enough to shoot a burst of heat through your left leg that steals the breath from your lungs. You grit your teeth. Swallow down the sound that rises up and threatens to crawl out. The world spins in the corner of your vision.
He doesn't push. He waits.
You feel the bed dip, the slightest give of the mattress under his weight. He's careful, always careful. Not too close. Not yet. Just present. You hear the whisper of fabric as he moves—his sleeves brushing together, the soft pad of his hand reaching for something. Then the quiet slide of glass on wood. Your bedside table. The clink of pills against ceramic.
"I've got your meds," he says, voice pitched low, softer now. Like louder would hurt you. Like he knows it would.
Of course he does. He always does. It's not guesswork anymore. It's knowledge earned in the space between sharp breaths and long silences. It's knowing the pattern of your bad nights better than he knows his own reflection.
"Water too," he adds after a beat, the words almost an exhale.
You try to sit. Just a little. Just enough. But your body doesn't listen. Your spine lights up in an arc of white-hot agony that steals your breath before you can make a sound. Your hand curls instinctively into the blanket, claw-tight, nails biting through layers of fabric. The room stutters.
"Easy," he says, and there's no judgment in it, no pity either. Just calm. One of his hands hovers near your shoulder, not touching, not yet. The other holds the glass steady, poised and waiting. "Don't rush. Let me help."
Your limbs are tremors. Not even limbs anymore, but vague outlines of where they should be—trembling, spasming, untrustworthy. He slips his arm behind your shoulders, slow and steady. Doesn't touch you until you give the smallest nod. Permission, always. He knows better than to assume.
The lift is barely anything. Barely a shift. But it's enough to send a flare of pain behind your eyes, to set your vision sparking at the edges. You breathe through your nose. Shallow, fast. Like anything more would crack your ribs. Your skin is damp, feverish, and the hairs at the back of your neck stick to the pillow. You feel like you're on fire from the inside out.
The glass appears at your lips. You reach for it, because you want to, because you hate this, because the only thing worse than pain is helplessness. But your fingers betray you. They twitch mid-reach, seize, then curl against your palm in a tight, trembling fist. You pull back, ashamed.
You hiss, jaw locking.
"I've got it," he says again. Quieter this time. Like a promise.
You let your lips part. He tips the glass with that same care he applies to everything when it comes to you—deliberate, controlled, never rushed. The water is lukewarm but it tastes sharp, metallic almost, as it hits your tongue. It soothes the inside of your throat while your skin continues to riot.
"Little more," you whisper, the words almost too soft to carry.
He obliges. Another tilt. Another sip. It's enough. Barely. But it's something. The pills scrape down your throat in slow motion. You hate the way your body trembles even as you swallow. Hate how fragile this looks. Hate how necessary it is.
You shut your eyes. Just for a second.
"Thanks," you murmur. The word slips out cracked and quiet.
"You're welcome."
It's not just politeness. Never is. He means it. You can hear it in the way he says nothing else. In the stillness he keeps between you, soft and breathable. In the way his hand hasn't left your back, not quite pressing, just there. Warm. Steady. Present.
Then he settles beside you on the edge of the bed, knees bent, hands resting lightly on his thighs. The mattress dips a second time, a ripple of movement you feel like a shockwave. Even that tiny shift of weight makes your skin prickle. Not from his presence, never that, but from the way your body registers every vibration as a potential threat. He knows that, too. That's why he doesn't touch you right away. He waits a moment longer, eyes on your face, studying every twitch of discomfort, every flinch you try to mask. There's no rush. There never is with him. Stillness is his first language, and he offers it like a gift, a sanctuary in a body that's forgotten how to feel safe.
You focus on the sound of his breathing, slow and steady. It's one of the only things that doesn't set your nerves alight. Just the inhale, the exhale—calm, measured, grounding. You mirror him as best you can, even though your own breaths feel uneven, trapped somewhere behind your sternum. You're not sure you're doing it right. But it's something to cling to. Something that isn't the pain, or the way your limbs buzz with electricity, or the bitter taste of helplessness that's been sitting at the back of your throat all evening.
When he finally reaches for you, his touch is featherlight—like wind, like memory. His fingers ghost over the straps of your tank top, callused pads brushing your collarbone. He doesn't tug, doesn't assume. Just rests there, eyes searching yours in the low light, not for permission so much as reassurance that you're still with him. That the pain hasn't taken you completely. That you're still here, even in pieces. Even fragmented, you're still whole to him.
You nod.
The straps slide down, slow and careful, catching once on your shoulder where the skin is flushed too hot, too raw. You wince, barely, and his hand stills instantly. Another nod, slower this time, and he keeps going, steady and unhurried, until the fabric pools just beneath your arms. Cool air brushes against your skin, and the change is jarring enough to make you suck in a sharp breath. Your fingers curl slightly in response, tensing before you can stop them. The effort it takes just to let him help is staggering, a mountain you climb every time.
"Okay?"
You manage a hum, little more than breath, but he hears it. Of course he hears it. He always does. He shifts his weight minutely, positioning himself so he can reach you without pulling the blanket back too far. He's done this before. Many times. And still, each time, he waits like it's the first. Like the ritual of it matters. Like your needs change with the seasons and he's learned to read the weather of your pain.
He unscrews the tiny glass bottle on your nightstand, the one with the lavender oil you keep in a drawer that only he ever opens. The scent blooms before he even touches you—floral, soft, grounding. Like summer evenings and slow exhalations. It winds around your senses and pulls you down from the edge. The smell alone is a balm, tugging you back from the worst parts of yourself. It doesn't erase the pain, but it makes room for something else to exist alongside it.
The first touch is always the hardest. You brace for it even knowing what's coming. But it's gentle—his thumbs brushing circles into the tight knots of your shoulders, never pushing, never demanding. Just coaxing the tension back down from its high, coiled pitch. He starts small, spreading the oil with featherlight pressure until it slicks across your skin in thin, warm trails. Each pass is a question. Each pause, a space for your answer. He watches your face between strokes, adjusting before you even flinch.
"Too much?"
"No," you whisper. "It's good."
His hands are warm. Not hot. Just enough. His touch doesn't try to fix anything, doesn't force your body into shapes it doesn't want. He knows he can't make it stop. That's never the point. This is just about softening the edges, sanding down the sharpest points of the night until you can breathe through them. A pause. A breath. A kindness. A quiet act of resistance against the chaos. An offering of gentleness in a world that rarely allows for it.
He works slowly, methodically. Knuckles smoothing over skin, then pulling back before anything has the chance to sting. He uses the pads of his thumbs to map the ridges of your shoulder blades, the tips of his fingers to track the length of your neck. You're aware of every stroke, every breath, every shift of the bed beneath his weight. You've never felt more fragile. Or more seen. And he never makes you feel small for it. Fragility isn't a burden to him. It's just another language to learn.
Sometimes he murmurs things—not to fill the silence, but to stay tethered to you. Tonight it's just his breathing and the scent of lavender. You can feel his concentration, his focus. The way he adjusts the pressure based on the way your body twitches or stiffens. Nothing about this is automatic. It's devotion, practiced through muscle memory and love that's learned your rhythms. It's the intimacy of repetition. Of ritual. Of someone who's shown up every time you've needed to be carried through the worst of it.
"You're doing well," he murmurs. Not praise. Just truth. A marker of presence. A sign that you're still here.
Your breath catches. He doesn't pause this time. He keeps moving, keeps anchoring you. One hand works the line of your shoulder while the other cups the base of your skull, his fingers threading lightly into your hair. The motion is grounding. Not possessive—just steady. Just there.
The scent of the lavender settles around you like a blanket, calming but not sleepy. His hands work in silence for long minutes, until the pain dips just enough that you stop clenching your jaw, until your ribcage stops trembling every time you exhale. You feel yourself easing by degrees, sinking into the mattress molecule by molecule. Your muscles stop bracing against the inevitable. For a moment, there's space. For a moment, there's quiet.
Sometimes he talks to fill the quiet, but not tonight. Tonight, he stays silent, letting his hands speak for him. Slow, sure, patient. He shifts positions occasionally, adjusting to reach the base of your neck, the tops of your arms. He never moves faster than your body can tolerate. He's careful not to chase the pain—just to meet it where it lives. He follows it gently, soothing the path it leaves behind. His touch is never a demand. It's always a question, and the answer is always that you trust him.
After a while, he presses a final thumbprint into the space beneath your shoulder and draws back. He caps the oil and wipes his hands on a folded flannel he must've brought in without you noticing. You hear the faint rustle of fabric as he moves away, the whisper of his breath as he exhales. There's a pause as he watches you. Not with worry, but with the quiet reverence of someone bearing witness. Of someone who doesn't need you to be better to love you.
He brushes a hand down your blanket, smoothing it back into place with a sort of reverence. Not because the blanket matters—but because you do. Then he disappears into the ensuite, water running, drawer sliding. You lie still, blinking at the ceiling, tracking the ache as it reshapes itself in your limbs. Quieter now. Still there. Always there. But not quite so monstrous. Like it's taken a step back. Like it knows it's being watched. Like it knows you're not alone.
When he returns, he's barefoot, dressed down to a worn grey T-shirt and flannel pants, the kind you'd teased him for years ago. He only ever wears them on nights like this. Nights when comfort matters more than pride. When tenderness outweighs routine. When everything about him says: I'm here for this. All of it. No conditions. No timelines. No limits.
He climbs into bed with the same care he does everything else—with precision, with respect. He doesn't crowd you. Just lies close enough to be there. Enough for you to feel his presence like a low hum. His body radiates quiet warmth, a tether back to something solid. Something real. Something that doesn't ask anything of you but presence.
His fingers find yours first. You don't know who moves—if it's him reaching or you drifting—but suddenly his hand is on your arm, fingers tracing long, slow lines down from your shoulder to your wrist. He repeats the motion again and again, a rhythm like waves. Like breath. Like the passing of time without fear. He draws a map on your skin, not to guide you anywhere, but to show you you're already home.
"I'm here," he says quietly, thumb brushing the inside of your elbow. "I'm right here."
You exhale, softer now. Less jagged. Less like a break and more like a release.
"You're safe," he murmurs, voice a near whisper. "You're here. You're not alone."
You swallow. The words hit something you didn't know was exposed. They land low in your chest and settle there. You nod, slowly, a flicker of agreement you don't have to speak.
"I know," you say, and you do. You really do.
But maybe he needs to say it out loud, too. Maybe he's reminding himself. Because this is the life after. After Quantico. After sleepless hotel rooms and endless flights. After grief piled up so high it nearly crushed him. This is the version of love that doesn't come with grand gestures or dramatic promises. It comes with pill schedules. And washcloths. And silence that doesn't demand to be filled. It comes with presence, not proclamations. With quiet nights like this, where the only thing that matters is showing up.
It comes with hands that never flinch, even when the hardest parts of you rise to the surface. It comes with presence, not performance. With constancy, not flash. With knowing your pain without asking you to narrate it. With staying, even when there's nothing to say. With patience, when everything hurts. With grace.
He doesn't speak again. He doesn't need to. The weight of him beside you says everything that needs saying. His hand never stops moving, never stutters. Down, and back. Down, and back. Until your body starts to believe it's safe. Until your breath settles into something almost steady. Until you remember what it feels like to simply exist without bracing for what comes next.
You lie there, breathing together, as the night stretches around you. You lose track of the minutes, the hours, the pain. Not gone. Never gone. But manageable. Contained. Held at bay by steady hands and a voice that never falters. A quiet promise, repeated in touch and silence: I've got you.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Disabled!Reader
Summary: A flare-up ruins your weekend getaway, but Aaron's love proves the trip wasn't about the destination.
Tags: disabled!reader, chronic fatigue syndrome, depictions of chronic pain, fatigue flare-up, muscle weakness, brain fog, aaron being your rock, no established relationship yet, hurt/comfort, eventual healthy communication, aaron helping you through a bad day, changing plans, changing expectations, comfort in small moments, self-doubt, some fluff, not feeling good enough, learning to let others help, eventual love, no guilt here, tender moments, slow burn, sick fic of sorts, love through the struggle
Word count: 3.3k words
You wake to the weight of your own body pressing you into the mattress like wet sand, as though gravity itself has thickened overnight, wrapped around every limb and joint, dragging you deeper and deeper into the sheets like a tide that refuses to let go. Limbs leaden, joints throbbing with a dull, bone-deep insistence, head fogged with something too thick to be called fatigue alone. It's more than tiredness. It's a full-bodied crash, a system shutdown wrapped in ache and laced with static, as if your entire nervous system is coated in wet wool. Your muscles burn with the echo of nothing, like you've been sprinting in your sleep. Even your skin aches. Even your breath feels too heavy, like you're inhaling through cotton.
Your eyes flutter open, only to squint against the grey light seeping in through the curtains, dull and uninviting. Morning. The morning. The day you were supposed to escape the noise and routine and relentless compromise of daily life. Your eyes blur and un-blur around the outline of your bedroom, and for a moment, you hope maybe you've misremembered. Maybe it's not today. Maybe the trip is next weekend, maybe you still have time.
But it is.
Shit.
You were supposed to be packing.
The bed-and-breakfast was booked months ago—somewhere quiet, nestled at the edge of a forest, tucked far enough from the city that the noise and urgency wouldn't follow. A place with creaky wooden floors and warm scones at breakfast, claw-foot tubs and mismatched armchairs by the hearth. You'd imagined it so many times: the way he'd look in soft lamplight, the curve of his smile when he loosened his shoulders at last, the warmth of his laugh when he finally stopped worrying about the next thing. Just the two of you. No buzzing phones. No files, no briefings, no heavy silences punctuated by work calls. A proper getaway.
You'd picked it because it felt timeless. Sacred, almost. A rare, unbroken window of peace in your otherwise fragmented schedules. You'd even counted the days. You'd laid out outfits, picked a book to bring, researched local cafes. You'd imagined waking to birdsong and the smell of woodsmoke, not this dizzying, aching fog that clings to you like second skin.
Instead, your body has other plans.
You try to sit up, but the world tilts with a vengeance, the room blurring at the edges like a poorly spliced film reel. Your spine protests, muscles aching like you've run a marathon in your sleep. You manage to swing your legs over the side of the bed, but the motion brings on a wave of dizziness so fierce you have to clutch the mattress for balance. Your hands shake as you reach for your phone on the nightstand, fingers fumbling with the screen, wrists aching. Guilt is a hot, sour thing in your throat, heavy with frustration.
You: I'm so sorry. I can't. I woke up crashed. Really bad today. I didn't see it coming.
You don't add how angry you are. How crushed. How much this was supposed to matter. That you'd circled this weekend on your calendar with a red marker, a childish gesture of hope. That you'd imagined the way his eyes would soften when he saw the place. That you'd chosen a room with a view of the garden because he'd once said how much he missed silence. That you'd wanted to give him something peaceful, something still.
The text sends with a soft whoosh, and you let the phone fall back onto the duvet, rolling slowly onto your side to keep the nausea at bay. You should eat something. Force fluids. The usual protocols. You know them by heart, drilled into muscle memory. But even those basic thoughts are slippery this morning, melting away before they can fully form. Your brain feels like it's been padded in cotton wool, every thought half-formed, every impulse delayed. You lie there, unmoving, for a long time.
It takes ten minutes to convince yourself to move again. Another five to stand. You make it to the kitchen after what feels like a small eternity, dragging your dressing gown over your pyjamas, feet bare and skin clammy. The tile is cold beneath you, and the overhead light feels like a punishment, too harsh against your light-sensitive eyes. You brace your hands on the counter, breathing shallowly, trying to remember what you came in here for. Tea. Food. Something. Anything that might cut through the fog. The thought of chewing feels overwhelming. The thought of standing much longer feels impossible.
You manage to fill the kettle, set it to boil with trembling fingers, and start digging through the cupboard for a granola bar or something small, easy, something that won't make your stomach rebel. You lean heavily against the counter while the water heats, your breath shallow, your vision swimming. You can't cry. If you start crying, you're not sure you'll stop. And you've already lost enough of the day.
And then you hear it.
The soft metallic click of a key turning in the lock.
The door creaks open.
"Aaron?"
His voice follows a beat later. "It's me."
He appears in the doorway, and the sight of him hits you like warmth after cold: dressed in soft-worn jeans and that dark grey jumper you love—the one that makes his eyes look deeper, softer, even when he's tired, even when he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. There's a paper bag in one hand and a takeaway cup in the other. Familiar. Steady. Him. His presence feels like home.
You blink at him, caught between relief and embarrassment, but mostly stunned. "You—you didn't have to come."
He steps in, shutting the door behind him with a gentle click. "Of course I did."
The paper bag crinkles as he sets it on the counter, pulling out two pastries—flaky, golden things from that little place near your flat, the ones you always say taste like childhood memories. And the tea you love most, still steaming in its cup. Chamomile, lavender, vanilla. Comfort in a cup.
"Aaron…"
He turns to you, eyes soft, mouth tugging in that near-smile he reserves just for you. "You don't have to say anything, and you definitely don't need to feel guilty."
You look away, ashamed, staring down at your bare feet on the cold tile. "I didn't want to cancel."
"You didn't." He sets the tea beside you gently, like he's afraid of startling you. "We just changed the plan."
Your eyes burn, stupidly, vision blurring. "It was supposed to be special."
"It still is."
You huff a breath that's nearly a laugh, nearly a sob. "You must think I'm—"
"I think you're doing your best," he says, cutting through your self-deprecation with the same quiet certainty he brings to every interrogation room. "And I think your best looks like making it to the kitchen even when your body wants to collapse. I think your best is still more than enough."
You close your eyes. He's always like this. Steady. Unshaken. Loving you without condition or caveat. And somehow, it's the steadiness that undoes you. It's not pity in his voice. It never is. It's love. Just love, clear and unflinching. Love without agenda. Love that waits.
"Come on," he says softly. "Let's get you back to bed."
You nod, too tired to argue, too grateful to pretend. He moves to your side, one arm curving carefully around your back, the other steadying your hand as you lean into him. The walk back is slow, measured, but he doesn't rush you. Every few steps he murmurs encouragement, barely above a whisper.
You make it. He helps you settle beneath the covers again, brushing the duvet up to your shoulders, brushing a hand against your hair as you melt into the mattress. The relief of being horizontal again is dizzying. The tea is placed gently on the nightstand, the pastry beside it. You probably won't touch it yet, but it's there. Like him.
He doesn't leave.
Instead, Aaron kicks off his shoes, sets his phone on silent, and eases onto the bed beside you without bothering to change out of his jumper or jeans. He lies on top of the covers, close but not crowding, and his arm wraps gently around your middle, the heat of him seeping into your chilled skin, into the hollow ache of your limbs. His presence is quiet but complete. He's not trying to fix anything. He's just here.
You shift, just enough to rest your head against his chest. His heartbeat is slow, steady, like a metronome for your frayed nerves. His hand finds yours beneath the blankets, thumb brushing slow circles over your knuckles. You feel the scratch of stubble on his jaw against your temple when he leans his head toward yours. His other hand moves in slow, comforting lines along your arm.
"I just wanted to be with you," he murmurs against your hair. "We don't have to go anywhere."
The words settle over you like another blanket, warm and true. No pressure. No disappointment. Just presence. Just love. It fills the room, silent and enormous.
Aaron stays after that.
Not just for a little while. Not for a quick cup of tea or to make sure you're comfortable. He stays like he's settled into the rhythm of your day, like there's nowhere else he'd rather be, like this—being beside you, being with you—is as necessary as breathing. He doesn't glance at his phone. Doesn't check the time. He's not distracted or waiting for a reason to leave. He stays, fully and without question, like love made flesh.
He takes off his watch and puts it on the nightstand without ceremony, as though to mark the passage of time irrelevant. He moves with an ease that feels like home, unhurried and unfazed. When you glance at him through the blur of your lashes, he smiles like he knows what you're thinking. Like he's thought it too.
After you've curled back beneath the duvet and he's stretched out beside you, you expect him to suggest leaving—to give you space or say he'll come back later. Instead, he makes a quiet hum in his throat and reaches for the book on your nightstand. The one you've been trying to read all week, the same page turned and re-turned because brain fog keeps swallowing sentences whole.
"Where were you?" he asks softly, holding it in one hand, fingers already ghosting over the familiar spine.
"Chapter four. I think."
He flips through, skimming until he finds a page with your familiar dog-ear at the corner. Then he reads. His voice is low and even, words flowing with a cadence that makes them easier to hold onto. He doesn't rush, pausing where the prose breathes, letting each sentence settle before moving on. You lose some of it, here and there—your thoughts drifting like feathers in a breeze—but his voice anchors you. You close your eyes and just listen. His thumb brushes against your wrist where your hand rests between you on the bed, grounding you like a tether to the waking world.
Every so often he stops to sip his tea or brush a hand gently through your hair. The feeling of his fingers moving slowly through the strands—soft, tender, reverent—is enough to make your chest ache. No one has ever touched you like that. Like they have all the time in the world. Like you're something to be cherished, not managed.
He reads until your eyes flutter closed again. When you start to doze off, he sets the book aside and pulls the blanket up over your shoulders. He doesn't leave, doesn't pull away. He lays beside you, silent and steady, hand moving in slow, patient strokes over your arm.
Time slips.
The day unfolds in quiet fragments: the soft rustle of pages, the rain beginning to patter against the windows, the warmth of his body beside yours, and the scent of lavender drifting up from the tea cooling on the nightstand. He hums sometimes, low and tuneless, and you drift in and out like you're being rocked gently on a tide. He stays with you through it all.
Sometime in the late morning, you try to get up again—need pulling you toward the bathroom—but your legs betray you the second your feet hit the floor. They tremble under you, knees threatening to buckle, the floor feeling too far away, too unstable.
"I've got you," Aaron says quickly, his hands steady at your waist before you can even sway. "Just lean on me."
He helps you up, guiding you with infinite care, his grip gentle but sure. He doesn't make a fuss. Doesn't comment on the fact that your body's given out again. He just helps. As if this is no more unusual than walking side by side on a normal morning. He whispers encouragement the entire way, his words quiet enough to feel private, sacred.
"I can manage from here," you whisper as you reach the bathroom door.
He nods but waits just outside. When you emerge again, he's there with open arms. No questions. No judgment. Just quiet support. He gets you back into bed like it's nothing. Like this is just how love works. He tucks the duvet around you again like a second skin and presses a kiss to your forehead like punctuation.
You sleep again after that, exhaustion winning out. Your body curls toward him almost instinctively, and he shifts to accommodate you, letting your head rest on his chest, your hand caught in his again. You drift in and out, not always aware of the boundary between sleep and wakefulness, but every time you surface, he's still there.
Sometimes you wake to the feel of his lips pressed to your temple. Sometimes to his hand smoothing over your back in slow, rhythmic lines. Once, you open your eyes to find him watching you, not with worry, but with that same warm, open expression he's always had with you—like he sees you. All of you. Even the parts you hate. Especially the parts you try to hide.
"Still here," he whispers when your eyes flutter open and immediately glass over. "Not going anywhere."
Later in the afternoon, he coaxes you into taking a few bites of one of the pastries. He tears it into small pieces, offering one at a time without a word of pressure. The same with the tea, gently lifted to your lips. You eat because of him. Because he's there. Because he makes it easy to try. Because he meets you where you are, without expectation.
When your hand trembles badly enough to spill a little tea, he catches the cup and doesn't flinch. "Don't worry," he says, wiping the drip from your chin with a napkin. "Nothing that matters spilled."
He doesn't flinch when your hands tremble. He doesn't sigh when your words falter. When your voice slips into silence, he follows it there. He doesn't fill every gap with sound. Instead, he lets the quiet wrap around you both like a blanket. When you cry for no reason, without warning, his arms wrap around you like a shield. He doesn't ask you to explain. He doesn't shrink away from your tears. He just holds you through them, brushing the back of your neck with his fingertips.
You talk a little. Not about anything important. Just little things. Books. A recipe you'd seen online. A memory from the last time the two of you went out—walking along the canal in autumn, hands clasped, pockets full of conkers. When you trail off mid-sentence, he doesn't push. He picks up the thread or lets the silence settle. He adjusts to you without hesitation, like he knows the shape of your quiet. Like he's memorised the rhythm of your breath, the way you pause before choosing certain words. He tells you about his week, about Jack, about a restaurant someone at work recommended. Nothing urgent. Just soft threads of conversation woven through the stillness.
By evening, the light has faded to soft gold, casting warm shadows through the windows. You haven't moved from the bed. Aaron hasn't, either. He reads again for a while, one arm wrapped around your waist, the cadence of his voice drawing you into sleep. He stops reading only to kiss your temple again, murmuring, "Sleep, love," before letting the silence bloom again. The book stays open in his lap, a forgotten gesture of intention, as he strokes your back and watches your breathing even out.
Dinner is simple—he heats up a soup you'd made earlier in the week, helps you sit up just enough to sip from a spoon in his hand. When your strength gives out halfway through, he kisses your forehead and says, "That's enough. You did well."
He doesn't push. Doesn't scold. Doesn't remind you of what's left uneaten. Instead, he sets the bowl aside and helps you lie back down, brushing your hair gently from your face as he settles in beside you again. The hours pass gently, blurred and soft, held together by his warmth, his steadiness, the rhythm of his breathing beneath your ear. You nap again. He watches another film on his phone, the volume low, his hand never straying from yours.
Night falls. The sky darkens slowly, clouds drifting like slow ships past the window. He changes into a clean shirt he must've brought in his bag, brushes his teeth in the bathroom, and returns with the same ease he left with. He doesn't ask permission to climb into bed again. He just does, like he belongs there. Like he always has.
You shift closer, burrowing into the comfort of his chest. He wraps an arm around you, his fingers drawing slow circles against your back. The weight of his body beside yours is the most grounding thing you've ever known. You breathe in his scent—clean soap, faint coffee, the warm spice of his skin—and feel something inside you settle.
The room is quiet except for the soft hum of the heating, the occasional creak of the floorboards, the steady sound of your breath. Your chest rises and falls against his, your heartbeat slowly finding rhythm with his. You feel the day finally leaving your body. He murmurs something soft into your hair—something you don't fully catch, but it settles in your chest like comfort.
"I'm sorry," you whisper, for the fifth time that day.
Aaron's hand stills. His voice, when it comes, is low but firm.
"Hush."
You swallow. "I just—"
"I didn't fall in love with the idea of you at your best," he says, his hand moving again, soothing. "I fell in love with you. The real, whole you. And I don't need anything else."
The words settle deep. Deeper than you expect. Deeper than anything has in a long time. They open something inside you that had been locked tight. That terrified part of you—the one always preparing for rejection, always braced for the door to close—starts to loosen its grip.
You press your face into his chest, eyes burning. "You mean that?"
He doesn't hesitate.
"I've never meant anything more."
The tears come then, slow and silent, leaking into the fabric of his shirt. He just holds you through it, one hand in your hair, the other wrapped around you like a vow. Not a single part of him pulls away.
You cry without shame. And when it's over—when the storm inside you quiets—he's still there.
And you fall asleep to the sound of his heart beneath your ear, steady and sure and absolutely, unquestionably yours.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x Disabled!Reader
Summary: The walk doesn't happen, but Aaron comes home early anyway—and sometimes that's the better day anyway.
Tags: disabled!reader, chronic fatigue syndrome, bad flare day, hurt/comfort, soft!aaron hotchner, cancelled plans, rain as a metaphor and also just rain, the guilt that lives in your chest on hard days, aaron who doesn't need you to pretend, he just gets into bed with you, nonsexual intimacy, napping together, steady love, no rushing, no fixing, just presence, the plan can wait, we'll see how you're feeling, cozy and aching all at once, no use of y/n, domestic softness, late afternoon gold, the world looks washed clean after
Word count: 2.6k words.
The rain started sometime before you woke up. You can hear it still—a low, relentless drumming against the window that might be soothing on a different kind of day. Today it just sounds like a door closing.
You'd had a plan. A genuinely good one, the kind you'd written in your planner in actual ink because it felt too nice to risk forgetting: a walk through the park with Aaron, the one near the east side of the neighbourhood where the old oak trees line the path and there's a coffee cart on the corner that does those oat milk lattes you like. You'd even checked the forecast the night before. It had said partly cloudy. It had lied.
But the weather isn't really the problem, and some quiet part of you already knew that when you went to bed last night and felt that particular heaviness settling into your limbs—not tiredness exactly, more like your body had decided to fill your bones with wet concrete while you slept. You woke up and tried to sit up and got about halfway there before everything in you simply said no, and you sank back against the pillow and lay there staring at the ceiling and tried to figure out if you were disappointed or just too exhausted to feel much of anything at all.
It's both, you think. It's definitely both.
The fatigue on a bad day isn't like being sleepy. That's the thing that's hardest to explain to people who haven't lived it—it's not the kind of tired that a good night's sleep fixes, not something that more coffee or a brisk walk would shake loose. It's a total-body weight, a thick fog that presses in from every direction at once, making even small things feel enormous. Lifting your arm to reach for your phone took genuine effort. Holding it up to read a text took more. You'd put it back down after about thirty seconds because your hand had started to tremble faintly and you didn't have the energy to be frustrated about that too.
The text from Aaron is still there, unread except for the notification preview: leaving early, be home by 2—how are you feeling?
You don't answer it because you don't know what to say, or maybe because typing the honest answer feels like too much work, and lying to him has never come easily to you even in text form. He'd know. He always knows.
You shift very slowly onto your side, facing the window, and watch the rain streak down the glass in long, wavering lines. There's a dull ache in your joints that comes and goes on days like this—not sharp, just a grinding background soreness, like your whole body's been wrung out. Your head feels thick and heavy on the pillow. The light coming through the curtains, even diffused through cloud cover, is too bright in a way that makes your eyes want to close, so you let them. There's nothing else to do. Getting up isn't really a viable option right now—you'd tried that about an hour ago, made it to the bathroom and back, and then had to sit on the edge of the bed for five minutes recovering from the effort of it like you'd just climbed several flights of stairs. It's a special kind of miserable, feeling ridiculous about something as simple as walking twelve feet.
The guilt is the other thing. It's always there on bad days, sitting on your chest like a stone. You don't like cancelling plans. You don't like the way this illness rewrites your calendar without asking, the way it takes things from you on a seemingly random basis—a good week, a normal day, a walk you'd genuinely been looking forward to. You know, rationally, that it's not your fault. You know that. Aaron's told you, more than once, in that steady quiet way he has that makes it feel like something you're supposed to believe. But knowing something and feeling it are two very different things, and right now you mostly just feel sorry for yourself and sorry for him and tired in every possible direction.
You hear the front door open at ten past two.
There's the sound of keys, the soft clunk of something being set down, and then footsteps on the stairs—careful ones, the way he moves when he's not sure whether you're asleep. You want to call out but your throat feels dry and odd, and anyway he's already pushing the bedroom door open a moment later, still in his trench coat with rain darkening the shoulders of it, his hair slightly damp at the temples. He looks at you, and his expression does that thing it sometimes does—just a small shift, a settling, like he's taken stock of the situation and filed it accordingly.
"Hey," he says, quietly.
"Hey." Your voice comes out rougher than you intended. "You're early."
"I said I was leaving early." He comes further into the room, shrugging out of his coat and draping it over the chair by the door. "How long have you been in bed?"
"I got up for a bit," you say, which is technically true and also very thoroughly beside the point, and from the way his mouth does that slight, patient press you can tell he knows it.
"How are you feeling?"
"I'm okay," you say, and even as you're saying it you can hear how unconvincing it is, how thin. "I mean—it's not a great day. But it's fine. I was just going to rest for a bit and then—"
"You don't have to do that," he says.
You stop.
He sits down on the edge of the bed beside you, close enough that you can feel the slight chill that came in with him from outside, still clinging to the fabric of his sleeve. His eyes are on you, unhurried, and there's nothing in them that looks like impatience or disappointment or any of the things the guilty part of you is always half-braced for. Just steadiness. Just him.
"Shh," he murmurs. "You don't have to pretend with me."
Something in your chest loosens slightly, like a knot releasing. It happens every time he says something like that—like your body knows before your brain does that you don't have to hold yourself together around him. You feel your eyes sting faintly, which is embarrassing, except you're too tired to be properly embarrassed about it.
"I don't think I can go on a walk," you say, as if he doesn't know. As if he hasn't already pieced together the entire picture.
"I know." He reaches out and brushes the hair back from your face, gentle, a touch so familiar by now that it doesn't feel like something he has to decide to do. "It's raining anyway."
"It wasn't supposed to."
"No," he agrees, softly. "It wasn't." He leans down and presses his lips to your forehead, a slow, unhurried kiss that lingers for a moment before he straightens up. Then he looks down at you with that measured, quiet way he has, and says, "Move over."
You blink. "Aaron, you don't have to—"
"I know I don't have to." He's already toeing off his shoes. "Move over."
You move over. It takes a bit of doing—rolling onto your other side, shifting the pillow, doing all of it slowly because doing it fast isn't really an option today—and he waits without comment, just watching, not offering to help unless you need it because he knows you well enough by now to know the difference between wanting assistance and needing it. When you've made enough room he climbs up beside you, over the duvet, and then reaches across you to pull it properly up over both of you, tucking it in at your shoulder with a sort of careful precision that makes your chest feel too full.
You end up against him, your cheek to his chest, his arm coming around you—not tight, not pressing, just there. His shirt is slightly cool but he's warm underneath it, a solid and present warmth that seeps through to your skin. You can hear his heartbeat. It's unhurried, even, the same way he always is.
"You don't have to stay in here," you tell him, even though your body is already betraying you by relaxing incrementally into his, the tight-held tension in your shoulders finally starting to unwind. "I know you had things—"
"I don't have anything that matters more than this," he says simply.
"You were at work."
"And now I'm here." His hand moves to your back, fingers tracing slow patterns along your spine through the fabric of your jumper—not rubbing, just drawing, soft meandering shapes that don't mean anything except that he's there and he's paying attention. You feel yourself breathe out fully for the first time all day.
"The park will still be there," he says, after a moment.
"I know."
"We'll go when you're having a better day. The coffee cart will be there too."
"You remembered about the coffee cart."
"You mentioned it three times last week."
"I only mentioned it twice," you say, and he makes a quiet sound that might almost be a laugh, his chest moving slightly under your cheek.
"Twice," he agrees, in a tone that very much implies he's humouring you.
The rain keeps going outside. It sounds different now, somehow—less like a door closing, more like just rain, doing what rain does, indifferent and steady. Your eyelids are heavy. They've been heavy all day but this is a different kind of heavy, the kind that comes from finally feeling safe enough to stop fighting it.
"I hate days like this," you say quietly, not complaining exactly, just saying it. Just letting it exist out loud where someone else can hear it.
"I know you do," he says, and he doesn't try to fix it or reframe it or tell you it's not that bad. He just holds you a little closer, and his lips press to the top of your head, a warmth that stays even after he lifts his head again. "Just rest," he murmurs. "I'm not going anywhere."
So you do. You stop fighting the weight in your limbs and the heaviness behind your eyes and the vague, useless guilt, and you let all of it go sideways into the warmth of him, and somewhere in the quiet and the rain and the slow rhythm of his breathing you fall fully, genuinely asleep.
You wake up to stillness.
That's the first thing you notice—the rain has stopped. The light through the curtains has shifted from grey-white to something warmer and lower, late afternoon gold edging through the clouds, and the absence of that constant percussion against the glass leaves the room feeling different, more present somehow, like everything's come back into focus.
The second thing you notice is that Aaron is still there.
He hasn't moved—or if he has, he's moved back. You're still against his chest, his arm still around you, and his face is turned slightly toward you, lips pressed softly to your hair in a way that might be intentional or might just be where he ended up. His breathing is slow and even and you wonder for a moment if he fell asleep too, but then his arm tightens just slightly around you, and he speaks.
"Feeling a little better?" His voice is low and careful, hushed in the way of someone who's been keeping still for a long time so as not to wake you.
You take stock of yourself for a moment—the weighted-concrete feeling in your limbs is still there, but lighter, like some of the worst of it has been slept off. The ache in your joints has dialled back. Your head feels less like it's stuffed with fog.
"Yeah," you say, and mean it, a little surprised to mean it. "A bit."
You tilt your head back to look up at him and he's looking down at you with this expression you've never found exactly the right word for—it's fond and present and steady all at once, like you're something he's glad to have in his line of sight. He brings his free hand up and brushes his knuckles along your cheekbone, very lightly.
"Good," he says, and smiles—a real one, the kind that reaches his eyes, the kind he doesn't hand out indiscriminately. Then he leans down and kisses you, slow and soft and unhurried, like he's not on his way anywhere else.
When he pulls back he's still close, close enough that you can see the crease on his cheek from where he must have dozed against the pillow.
"You slept too," you accuse.
"For a little while." He doesn't seem particularly bothered by this. "You're very comfortable to sleep next to."
"That's arguably the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
He huffs, quiet and amused. "I've said considerably nicer things."
"Debatable."
He kisses your forehead again, brief this time, and then carefully begins to untangle himself—slowly, making sure you're settled before he moves, not in any kind of rush. You watch him sit up and run a hand through his hair, and he looks rumpled and unhurried in a way you don't get to see often enough, the professional composure softened at the edges into something easier.
"I'll take care of dinner," he says, already reaching for his shoes. "You just stay right here."
"Aaron, I can help—"
"You just slept for three hours because your body needed it," he says, in the same even tone he probably uses when he's explaining something completely obvious to someone who's being gently resistant. "Staying in bed is not a hardship I'm imposing on you. It's what you need." He pauses, looks over at you. "Unless you want to come and sit on the sofa. That's also acceptable."
You consider this with great seriousness. "The sofa might be achievable."
"Then the sofa it is." He holds out a hand. "When you're ready. There's no rush."
You take his hand, and you sit up slowly, and the fatigue is still there—it doesn't disappear, it never disappears all at once, it's more that it retreats to a manageable distance—but he sits with you while you get your bearings, one hand warm at the small of your back, not rushing, not watching the clock. The light in the room has gone golden and soft and the world outside the window looks washed clean and quiet, the streets dark with rain that's finished falling.
"The park will be like a bog tomorrow," you say.
"Probably," he says.
"Very romantic. We could still go."
He looks at you, a slight smile pulling at the corner of his mouth. "We'll see how you're feeling."
It's not we'll see if you're well enough, not hopefully you'll be better by then, just we'll see how you're feeling—like either answer is equally fine, like the plan exists to serve you and not the other way around. It's such a small thing and it matters so much. It always does.
"Okay," you say. "We'll see."
He squeezes your hand once and then helps you to your feet, careful and steady, and you lean into him for a moment before your legs remember what they're for, and outside the clouds are beginning to thin, and somewhere in the kitchen there will be food you didn't have to make, and it's not the day you planned but it's yours.
