be9

[be-9]

We only recognize after some time that the good and bad that happens to us is all the same. What matters is how you react to it. Work on that and bad things wont stop happening but you'll need less and less time to get through it.

[be-9]

Sex with the only qualification being lust. Love need not apply

[be-9]

Because you're not doing either of us any favors by lying by hiding your true carnal longings. Have me, take me with all the zeal and furvor you can muster and leave. That is the true you, sex with no love, ectasy with no price. The more you speak the longer you stay thinking you're fooling me the more I see you, the true you, and im sickened.

[be-9]

I hate when guys fuck like somebody's watching.

[limebasilandmandarin]

Maya Angelou (1928 – 2014)

[sexbooksandvacations]

RIP

[stankonia]

[curly-essence]

http://curlyessence.com/

[be-9]

A man is not worthy of you if he only makes you see your flaws

[be-9]

Beer, piña colada and green smoothie. This is my life in a nutshell.

[be-9]

Show me the way

On my way home tonight I can't help but think about the other day.......how upset I was.......hearing your voice on the other side of the line and feeling the weight of my anxiety crashing down on me ......I crumbled. I didn't break you see.......couldn't really...after all, it was you. So for a few moments standing there on the train platform.......I crumbled. As I explained in a half whisper half moan how hard it has been and how tired I was I tried to capture the tears neatly under my nails. You fumbled.....urging me not to be upset, throwing in that you two had gone through something similar......then suddenly.....you had to go. 3 days have passed, and still no word from you......not even an hello. Papa......??......is this the way........?....Is the same indifference and one sided affection I'm so use to from you what I should expect from men?......what you wished for me as you looked into my newborn eyes?.......what about when you saw me take my first steps and imagined me a woman....did you see me on this road wondering where I went wrong and why......??.....Papa???..........??....is this the way.....

[be-9]

[be-9]

I was sort of in a panic last night. I was overwhelmed by everything I wanted to say to you. The words were running through my mind searching for a way out. I managed to text you that if you had a moment I wanted to talk……but even that didnt satisfy me. I tossed and turned thinking maybe I should just text everything out now but realized immediately that in this panic words are so easily lost in translation…..and I so wanted to be clear. I felt trapped and wanted to be free of all theses thoughts and soon…..at last….sleep came.

The next morning woke to the pings and vibrations of text messages on my cell laying next to me….I looked lazily at it and put it back down….not you. Moments later some more pings and vibration and this time it was you. I paused to think for a second what your reply might have been. I went with your go to. Indignation….you didnt need this right now, all this emotion when you’re out here grinding trying to get that money….how you’ve been trying and now need some time apart. This after knowing from my text late last night that I would be saying that to you.. maybe even a final goodbye……or sadly you truly believed all that.

I felt some pangs of anxiety with only an hour or so before having to go to work I went into my bookmarks to read a psalm someone had suggested……im not particularly religious but ive found it helped with my anxiety attacks. Anxiety ive felt about the way I have been and continued to be treated at work….you never cared to ask….afterall only your stress matters. After reading the psalm o would be a little calmer….but not today….my anxiety would not relent. I got up and went to feed the cat. When I came back up I put on hulu and saw a new Bob’s Burger episode and put that on as background. With my pillow propped against the wall I sat and read. The first time I read it I smiled mostly because I knew you so well. You talked about not liking how I would catch feelings and get weird and how you’re going after your dream and wouldnt let anyone put pressure on you. You also did not want to talk and you needed to take some time and if when youre ready I wanted to talk then we could. He goes on tangents like this that usually leave me confused. All I was asking of him was that he wasnt such a lazy selfish lover and that show consideration and respect for my time. I wasnt trying to lock him down. I honestly felt crazy like he was trying to convince me that I should be happy with what he was giving me as if id never been loved as if I didnt know that I could do and deserve better. Sooo….I kindly told him in his words how corny it felt as a 30 year old woman to have to always remind the person you’re with to be a better lover …..damn….to be a better friend. I felt a huge weight had lifted. I don’t know if he gets it but we’ve been through this so many times you would think we’d both know better by now.

[icanrelateto]

Say it before you run out of time. Say it before it’s too late. Say what you’re feeling. Waiting is a mistake.

(via invisuble)

[humansofnewyork]

"It’s the City of Dreams but it’s fucking hard. It seems like there are endless opportunities all around you, and they seem so real and tangible, and then suddenly they dissolve out of nowhere."

[benbyetbh-deactivated20140825]

Masahisa Fukase, A Game: Lips & Needles, 1983

[benimbuyukcaresizligim]

[be-9]

This is how I felt this morning. Its my Achilles heel to always blame myself. To wonder why its so hard for you to treat me nice and why even if I can walk away my heart aches. I always treated you with such compassion.

[be-9]

Cold Feet

You've told me, in your own way, so many times that I should walk away......that you don't really care. Each time I heard it...I paused and listened, but followed it up with an excuse for you. I don't know how to proceed. I'm exhausted by it all. Do you know what it feels like to always have to remind someone who you've only shown love and forgiveness to....to be nice.....that what they say and do hurts and that you have feelings too. It takes a bit of your pride and dignity away. My rage and anger is now only a whisper........stop it....please....you're hurting me. I can barely hear it myself. I just feel the pangs of pain deep inside my heart and I stand ashamed. I want to call you now, pick up the phone and tell you its over, but it feels too good for you. Too easy for you to play off as me just being emotional or just worrying about things I don't need to. The love I've felt for you has slowly and methodically been turning to resentment....but thats how you wanted it.....isn't it?