I've come back to write this, for closure.
My life lost all its meaning a while ago. I kept grasping for straws, doing anything to feel like I have a purpose. Nothing worked. I used Tumblr as a coping mechanism for the trauma I went through time and time again. I've hurt so many people here. I dealt with horrifying things in my own head, and I went completely numb over the last few months. Without Tumblr, I was without an outlet. I grew distant from everyone I knew, I lost almost all of my friends. I fell out of love with my passions. After I lost my job, which was my whole life, I just about gave up on everything. I was prepared to finish my semester and then drop out.
But I made a really big, and difficult decision while I was still at that job. If I hadn't made that decision to go before I lost that job, I don't know where I would be today... - I was going to join my college minister, one of my last friends in the world, and go to Chapter (Bible) Camp. I stepped out of my comfort zone all for a week away from life, and I was petrified.
While I cannot give much of a testimony today, I can proudly say that I discovered myself for the very first time. I believe wholeheartedly that God brought everyone he needed to bring to camp for me to meet. Over the course of seven days, my life completely changed. I completely changed. If didn't know better, I'd say I was baptised by that experience.
I fell back in love with my passion for literature. Reading the first half of Mark was the most important literary analysis I've ever done to this day. I was able to look at the Bible with my very own eyes for the first time in my life.
Talking about Jesus' gift to humanity made me realize that, whether or not he is the Messiah, I do not accept him as my savior. And that is okay. I cried a lot over this, confided in my minister, told him how angry I was at this potential Almighty God for letting all these things happen to me. And he assured me that it's okay to feel anything and everything that I feel. Long discussions with him, long reflection times, tests of God's will, and everything else I experienced that week brought me peace I've been longing for all this time. It solidified my own faith. My faith in Mother Nature, my faith in people like you and me. God might exist, and He might not, and that it is fine either way. I don't have to go to Heaven if I don't want to. I want to give my body back to my Mother who was so gracious to gift it to me, and I want to go back in the ground when I've, as Hamlet so grimly put it, shuffled off this mortal coil.
I'm so beyond grateful I got to experience Christian worship with my new best friends who have been sent from all over the world by God to meet me. I went from having a panic attack on day one because of my religious trauma, to encouraging worship songs in the hot tub on day five and six. I got to embrace Nigerian culture, and my own very blissfully diverse culture. I went from sitting out of prayer at our study sessions and meals, to praying with the girls in my dorm room before going to sleep.
I can proudly say that I will now be finishing my Associate's degree in English, and then deciding from there if I want to pursue Film & Theatre and work my way into Hollywood/New York City, or further my English/Writing studies, or both! I've learned, almost most importantly, that I cannot rush my destiny. I will get to the West Coast when my time comes. In fact, I'm organizing a month-long vacation in Arizona, and a week in London, both in 2023! But I cannot rush into my future. When my time comes to move forward, I will then, and only then, move forward, knowing my Grandmother and Aunt and Mother [Nature] are with me.
That being said - I can also proudly say that I will be working with my minister to form a Christian / Non-Christian alliance at our college, so that Non-Christians like myself (pagans, athiests, muslims, buddhists, etc.) can seek safety and love and support when they need it the most. Non-Christians do not have to be afraid of Christians, and Christians do not have to be afraid of Non-Christians. Christianity itself is so amazingly and beautifully diverse, it would be a grave error for a Christian to shun a Non-Christian, or pressure them to conversion, especially through unusually cruel and manipulative tactics. We, as humans, can all love and help each other. I am going to feed the hungry, sit with the lonely, and guide the lost.
Finally, for the first time ever, I've taken the first real steps on my very long, yet so blessed journey. I've finally pulled out the hippie within me, and she is showing me how to become a better person day-by-day, for she is me. She always has been me.
If you've read this far, thank you so much, my friend.
If this ever reaches the audience of folks that I've hurt, just know that I am so, so sorry for the hurt I've caused. I take full responsibility for my poor, uneducated actions. I understand that nothing can mend the damage I've inflicted. - I am so much wiser, and so much happier now. I feel real, for the first time in my life, I feel like a real person. I'm in touch with my emotions. I'm allowing myself to show vulnerability, because vulnerability isn't such a terrible thing. I allow myself to sit with my depression when it comes to me, and I don't hide from it anymore. Nor do I hide from my anger. I embrace it, and I learn from it, because every emotion is just as important as the last. Every emotion I feel is part of my story. If God is okay with me being angry at Him, then it is okay for me to be angry with anyone or anything. It is not okay, I've learned, to act based off those feelings so ignorantly, so unthoughtfully, so unremorsefully. While I have chosen to turn away Jesus, and not ask for his forgiveness (at this point in life), that doesn't mean I won't ask you for forgiveness. Because what I worship is Human Kind. Humans are born into sin, and they can ask God and Jesus for forgiveness for that at the end of every evening if they so choose, but I say if this is who we are, then I embrace the sin. And in so, I apologize to you, my fellow human beings, and I ask you for forgiveness. Eye for an eye makes the world go blind, and sin for sin creates a living Hell. I have chosen to stop the chain here. And I will continue to ask you, my fellow human beings, for forgiveness each time I commit an act of sin against you.
janainaart
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