writes

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[beastylimerick]

I've been smoking cigarettes again. The bad taste sitting in my throat, the heavy scent sticking to my clothes and finger tips. I do it for December, I do it because its easy. My mom will buy them for me if I keep coming "home."

I've been smoking cigarettes again. When I breathe them in I think of the balcony where I found myself. "I'll be stronger" I whispered to the demons calling my name. The last 5 years have been kinder to me. I stare at my phone in the dark.

I've been smoking cigarettes again. I think of one on the back porch, one in his car, drag after drag in his backyard. It was the closest I could get to kissing him now, and I did want to kiss him. 3 years helped us understand, or it didn't. I exhale.

I've been smoking cigarettes again. I hate it because I love it. I'm chasing a high I hope to never find again. Measuring tapes and electrical tapes litter my mind and feel double-sided. I'll go for a walk or start to dance, but I do it quietly, quietly, quietly... I'm told it's hot.

I've been smoking cigarettes again, I think I'd like to be one. Hold me to something until I spark, let me fade as a long puff of smoke leaving your lungs. I'll meet you on your lips until I'm burnt through. I've left my marks in you, you'll have me forever.

[beastylimerick]

I can never leave the perfect place, but I can occupy another space at the same time. It feels like walking in and out of a room but there are no doors, there's no movement, I'm either here or I'm not.

I go long periods of time believing I'm out. I know the place still exists somewhere, but that I'm not in it. I can go so long occupying so many other places I just forget. They feel more solid than the perfect place, they change like things are supposed to, they provide interaction and motion. They provide certain unfamiliarity.

But I open my eyes and I am back in the perfect place. Sometimes there's a cue and sometimes I think it just wants me to remember it. I'm stiff and blackened and crusted. I see you here, this is the only place I do. I know the sounds you listen to, I know the places you go, I know the things you touch. When we are here we think as one an unfortunate sometimes.

I am reminded of why it's perfect. I am reminded of the painful stillness. I am reminded this is the only place you still exist. I am reminded that I keep you here. I am reminded that I burnt myself.

White walls with black hand prints sliding down. The wind picks up and there's a storm. End tables with no purpose than to be in the way. It destroys nothing but the contents of the room. Shattered wood, shards of glass, and destroyed rock cover the ground. I am alone. I am in the perfect place.

[beastylimerick]

I'm sitting in the hall on the stairs, they're new to me. They're carpeted and quite nice to sit on. It doesn't match the warmth in your arms, but I'm far too awake to lay down with you.

In the other room I hear your deep breathing. It is so soothing for me to hear you at peace. Silence usually offsets me but you've kept up the noise. The soft whistle of your nose let's me know I am okay too.

The world shifts and bends to shape around me and it'd be scary if it wasn't for you. These lights aren't too bright, this quiet feels calming. Amidst the morning stillness I remain an ocean of push and pull, but the waves are working together this time. They say to me "You've always made it out alive. New beginnings used to come from tragedy but this time you've taken the reins. It's hard and that's okay, you've never once failed." and I could never argue with that, I'd never try.

But thank you again, as always, for simply being. And thank you so much for being around me.

[beastylimerick]

The wind blows and some leaves brush over my feet in their new chaos. These wood used to hold something more for me, but now they're just cold. I've had the gate closed for over a year now, I've always hoped the vegetation had taken over the path by now but I can see it's frozen in time.

The sky is always cloudy here, like a storm is about to burst. It's a way to set the scene with unease, it always has been. I try to ignore the rusted metal scattered in parts. When I get closer to the lake I fall in several times before making my way around.

I almost forgot what I came here for. On the other side of the lake I see you. You're frozen still. You're planted on a bench, upper body turned to the open seat on your other side, lips parted in a halted response. I look back at the lake and feel the ice creep up around my eyes. I close them and exhale, I came all this way. I see my breath as I take a seat.

We're in a bedroom, a made-up one. On the foot of the bed, sat next to each other, our voices are soft. None of the words make it through the translation.

I open my eyes in my room. He's standing by the door with me, stalling before I leave. I give him reassurance and he gives me nausea. I can still feel his hand. This is not for you, but none of this is.

I go back to your car in the parking lot, I go back to storm chasing and headlights, I go back to pointless drives, I go back to when you needed me, I go back to the first time I knew you loved me, I go back to your harsh words, I go back to when I said I was scared you'd leave, I go back to when I told myself that'd never happen.

I'm getting better, I really am, but you're the ghost now. It's hard to make friends with them, it's hard to stay here sometimes. Please don't talk to me again, but I miss you.

[beastylimerick]

It feels foreign to miss you like I used to. Of course you’re on my mind, you have a special place that will never fully loosen its grip, however that’s all it is now. I used to hold on so much tighter, my hands are permanently blackened and crisped from the burns, but now it holds me closer to a band on any finger that isn’t meant for a ring. I am not thankful for you or how you treated me. Like any situation it gave me insight, experience, and scars that will never fully heal. I can and do appreciate the experience and the positive feelings it gave me at the time, but I will not thank you ever again. You don’t deserve it. When I go on these journeys they’re for research. On a few recent trips I’ve tried to walk down our old paths. I’m remapping these old trails, I’m not looking for anything new, I want to see how they’ve changed over the years. I used to be frozen in place, body folded in on itself with one arm outstretched, eyes open but pressed into the elbow hooked over them. My skin, hair, and clothes fully encased in a burnt shell. I’d wait. I’d wait paralyzed with my eyes open. Would you ever come home? Now I walk this room. I’m covered in soot and leave marks wherever I touch, but I am no longer fossilized. My hands are still black and hard, and if I breathe here I only exhale smoke.      But I am still here. I am still in this place, but I can move. My body is stiff and I can only maneuver myself with quick jerking motions. My arm is still outstretched for you. Like I said though, I cannot miss you like I used to. The thought of it is laughable. You are a part of me, even if I have the highest hopes of never crossing paths with you again. The closest we will ever be again is in this room. I will say I’m certain you know this. I am not reaching for your hand anymore, this burning grip wants your throat.

[beastylimerick]

I am so glad that you are you and I’m thankful that you are here You’ve helped me remember color in the monochrome

Red for the flowers I picked for you on my way to work, red for the flannel you’ve left at my house and I wear near daily

Orange for the mask that brought us together, orange for your allergies that make you laugh

Yellow for the pajamas I’ve given you, yellow for your favorite, yellow as the shine from the sun and the warmth in my chest when I see you

Green for all the plants that make us laugh, green for all the frogs that are green

Blue for the clear skies past or present, blue for the music that made talking easier

Indigo for my alien nature, indigo for late nights in my bed when we talk about the stars

Purple for the first flower I snuck into your bag for you to find later, purple for the first flower you left in my mailbox while I slept

You bring me more colors than I’ve ever gotten and I want to thank you for being you I think we’ll have years of trees and soup and ash to come, assuming you want to come with me

[beastylimerick]

Initially I felt horrible. This world-shattering depression and anxiety that I’ve felt all too many times. I was terrified. It was loud and fast. It was blue. I don’t own anything and I don’t want to. I don’t think it’s logical to ever think of something as mine. Of course we share a lot of things, it’s hard to avoid when you’ve been brought up together. If nothing is mine, then nothing is yours. I used to have trouble with the things we’ve shared, but they hold no ties to you, unlike me.

Underneath I felt pink. I wanted to shatter the world. I hated a lot of things, I hated a lot of people. It’s quiet and dim. I tried to never think about it, it felt wrong to do so. Any time it crossed my mind I’d dig deeper and get stuck and get pink. I ignored everything as much as I could, I made requests, I set limits. I felt as though I was being ambushed before I had the first conversation about it. I was dreaming of you then too.

I feel hallow and skeletal, a frame without content (or context). This time of year doesn’t help me. I don’t hold regrets, though these seem to have opened something I wanted to keep closed. I am not evil. I am full of love and forgiveness and good intentions. With all respect and kindness, I stand by what I said. I am not ready. I haven’t stopped feeling horrible.

[beastylimerick]

It’s no secret that we can hear each other, especially since it’s always been that way. I don’t know how it sounds to you, but to me it sounds like pink, sometimes it sounds like blue It sounds like the wind before the rain and hands being skeletal. It sounds fast and it sounds quiet. Our favorite albums play and they sound like mine. I’ve learned how to listen to the messages for me, when I want them. I’ve learned it’s harder to close your eyes than to crane your neck in an attempt to see it. I’ve learned that I could see the end before it came. I could see you around the bend, I don’t care to let you sneak up on me again. My feelings are complex and they are mine. I still look and I’m sure you know. I’ve always felt like they were written for me, I’ve heard the bull’s words in my head from when he implied I was selfish for those assumptions.

When I’m wrapped in fog it looks clear as day, too. I’ve also wondered if they were real and if you were listening. I stand by what I said. I fear I may be wrong, like this is for no one, like you don’t know where to crane for vision, like it wasn’t for me. I’m scared always and suspension never comes to an end lately.

[beastylimerick]

I hate when it calls for me, blackened hands grab and leave their prints, I knew where they’d land before they burned me

It was funny to inhale your smoke. The tickle in my throat only made me laugh, drowning it with water had it settle in my chest. My heart would never beat for you. I can feel our hands clasped together when I cover my eyes, your marks may never leave me.

I’m taunted in my dreams. When the haze covers my room I’m to believe the cloud brings sanctity. I’m frozen in perfect place to feel it under the covers. When it creeps up to my skin I wish I wouldn’t let it in. You suffocate me and bring the dreams to life, your fog machine synced to my breathing, your grip burning holes into my eyes.

I find comfort in this.

-

I told myself it wouldn’t, that I could drink the poison and come out unharmed, strength is everything when survival is your last card.

I’ll burn myself for hours, the inability to stop blaring like a siren.

I knew it was dead end from the opening scene. 

[beastylimerick]

[beastylimerick]

You felt like I didn't love you.

You were taller than me but when we talked like this you'd get so small. I think you'd dodge my eyes if they ever met yours. Frustrated, you'd hold your breath for a second. You always let it out with aggression, but it was never aimed at me. You were never a threat, you never wanted to hurt me. Your hands would press up against your own chest, against parts of your face. They'd never get near me unless I needed to be held. If you cried you wouldn't hide it. This was never a show for me, this was expressing your faults.

I'd stiffen in my seat, my posture always held, even in places like this. My eyes would lock onto anything that wasn't you. My voice lost inflection and expression and I think my eyes became hallow. There were times when I'd shake and I'd hate myself the whole time. I never wanted to perform for you, so I didn't. My hands would find something to loosely fumble with, a second thought in case the quiet was too loud.

I used my words, all that I had left in those moments, to tell you everything from my heart. I'd tell you I'm split. I'd tell you both sides love you more than anything. I'd ask if you could see it. I'd ask if I was doing it wrong.

The reassurance you gave me sits bitterly in my mouth.

[beastylimerick]

a blend of memory issues is anything but something i’m grateful to have i can remember facts and numbers and the way something feels inside but i cant remember your face or what we had for dinner last night every time i lay down to sleep, our bodies parallel and the warmth from our blood combining into one comforting thought, i make an effort not to remember the way you feel. it feels sweet, it feels nice, it feels like love. i will not remember your hands or your back or your breath on my neck. i will not remember the sounds you make in your sleep, if any. i will not remember the exact curve of your chest or if it fits perfectly against my back. i do not need to, i feel sweet, i can fall asleep. flash, back and forth. was that today? was that just happening? was that months ago? years now? only an hour? some questions used to sound out and echo back and drive me mad, now it’s quiet, now i don’t mind to not mind and for your mind to be at ease are very different things. it may have been months ago, but despite all my efforts you were just here. in the mornings i wake up alone. i’d like to wipe the sleep out of my eyes but when i see the sun i’m already crying out. i don’t want to feel the tears on my face, the ache throughout my body, your skin on my hands, your kiss on my shoulder. i am still alone. i’ll only hear your voice when i replay the way you called for me in my head, i’ll only see your face if i break my bones with pictures of us, i’ve been spared with forgetting your taste, i’ll feel you every morning when my night terrors turn to light, and if i ever turn my head just right i can smell you in the air with me anywhere i go i’ve got trivia on my hand, but only my own feelings in my head. have you accused me of stupidity before? nevermind that, i thought you’d be nicer than this. if you’re going to leave me could you take your fucking cologne with you?

[beastylimerick]

"Be careful" it calls out to me

"Be careful" when I drop something and it just barely misses

"Be careful" when I know I'm about to get injured

"Be careful" when I'm expecting a message after years of silence

"Be careful" when I awake to a hoarse throat and I know I've called out to you again

It tells me to be careful, it lightly places a hand on my side and guides me where I need to go, it whispers directly to my brain about all the hidden danger in front of me, it tells me with no emotion that it loves me and knows what's best for me

Well, at face value I'll show it respect. I'm too stubborn to show even it weakness. Do you think I'll break before you've broken this time? I'm changed, even if I'm not. I hold you in a perfect place where nothing can touch you, here you cannot grow or change if you wanted to. I'd hate to be held to the same standard, but I will use my hard head as power here. I am careful what I wish for, but if it decides to give me something I called out for in a nightmare, then I will face that as the adult I am now. You have taken everything from me already and I'd hate for you to find out this way. I think I'll save that for a rainy day, when you're finally weaker than I'll ever be in your perfect place.

[beastylimerick]

I did reach a point where I realized no amount of stacked blankets and turning up the heat made my bed any less cold at night. Something about the way the blankets refused to cling to me through any effort of rearranging, knowing that even if I pressed pillows between me and the wall, even if I wrapped my arms around them and squeezed it wouldn't take away the chill. There was a frigid cold in the air every night and morning. But no, it wasn't in the air, it was under the blankets, it was under my clothes, it was in my skin and deeper still. Turning up the heat can't make this stop. No one ever claimed it with ease but loneliness doesn't feel like a cold gust of wind at the end of spring, it feels like the icy bite you cannot escape in the dead of winter.

[beastylimerick]

I’m so detached and distant and cannot think of permanence as an applicable concept to anything other than the rot and decay inside me. I have said for years after every hit that you cannot destroy me and only I can destroy myself. I have beaten myself up for years saying that it was unfair but at this point on me. I don’t care if that’s true or not, you put this disease inside me. You put this death and suffering and Rot inside me. I cannot love anyone, I cannot help myself, I cannot let others help me, I cannot trust anyone and it’s all because of you.

I used to look up at the stars and cry because you weren’t with me anymore. With a tremble in my voice I’d look up at them and say “it’s all because of you” and ball my fists thinking about how one day I would hold you again and tell you all about how I’m better now, better for you. I couldn’t accept that my forever wasn’t coming back and that I would not go home ever again.

I do not love you now. I couldn’t ever love you again. I will never go back to you. I don’t want to ever see you again. In the back of my mind I always hear “Just until it’s over” as a comfort. Every single thing comes to an end eventually. This used to bring me such world-shattering despair, but now it keeps me going.

Writhing under my skin, squeezing into my muscles, and fusing with my bones though I can feel the festering. I know at the end of the universe when there is no more light, at the end of time when all is still, in the blackness of reform and new beginnings I will still have every inch of your body memorized. 

[beastylimerick]

I told a girl that I was tired, I had been beaten down too many times, that I knew more was waiting for me, she knew it hadn't stopped in months, months, months

She knows that I am kind, she knows that I care deep, she knows that I work hard, she knows I hate to give up. I tell her karma isn't real, that nothing happens for a reason.

She was listening but this broke her. I could hear that she was hiding it well, but the look in her eyes told me she was pleading when she said "but that can't be right. if all these bad things happen that means it's for something. there's a reason this is happening."

I smiled up at her, as hopeful as I could and said "Too much has happened for this to be good, I'm just one of those people who has bad things happen a lot"

[beastylimerick]

The way it hit me was a slow burn. I caught a glimpse of your light out of my peripheral one day. All my sirens went off and I had to keep watching. Thinking about it now, I couldn’t ever read you and that’s why I couldn’t look away. I tried my tricks by telling you tales of destruction. Cities flooding, families being torn apart, heroes turning to villains, love and mistrust daring to be in the same sentence paired to the same result. All you ever did was listen and nod.

Lightening strikes nearby. You and I scream in unison. I believe in that moment we became one. Our minds blended together, I could finally see you in front of me. The light you emit, the ring above your head, the feathers peaking from behind you, all of it was clear. In another moment we’ve separated and can’t look away from each other. Though we tried to talk about it afterwards, we couldn’t ever put into words what we saw. I did notice you started holding my hand when you listen and nod.

It threatened me in every way. I felt taken captive. I grew stronger, I learned new strategies, I got closer in combat with you than I ever had before, I had to know how you refused to fall. My tactics taking a new form never seemed to make you crack. I began to give up myself, dancing like this for an eternity could be bearable, right? But then, out of no where, you collapsed at my feet. You threw down your sword and looked me in the eyes to beg for a merciful fate through surrender.

I picked you up by your hair and told you there was no mercy here.

..

Though I do believe even after we divided again, I never once heard a story from you. I was afraid to show who I was. Surely if I’ve seen you, you’ve seen me. You’ve seen the shadows I create, the spikes above me, the fangs in the mouth that sings you to sleep. Is that why you never sang back? Tell me why did you stay so long then?