Can I Go the Distance?
Friday, June 12, 2026
2/344
Well, this isn't the most ideal timeline I wanted to write in. The goal was to be every day, not a weekly thing. But maybe it'll just have to turn into that.
The past week has been a pretty good one! Very productive at work and learning new things that actually interest me! I've been getting more out of my shell with the patients and actually talking and getting to know them before we start the procedures. Oh, by the way, I work as a dental assistant! I was kind of hesitant about it at first, but I've really been enjoying it! I also love the feeling of making money and working towards many goals that I have for this year.
This past week has honestly been a lot of reflection however, trying to figure out what to do with my life and what I really want to get out of this mortal experience. I finally dug up the answer that has been deep within my soul for a long time now, but I always shoved it away. I've always thought "maybe I'm too young", "I don't think I'm ready", or even "why would that possibly happen to me?" But if practically everyone else can find love, why can't I?
I want to find someone who I genuinely love and want to build a life with. To grow with. To create a family with. And for someone to want the same thing with me. The only thing is, however, is that I have a hard time with relationships. In fact, I've never been in a romantic one before. Trust me, I've tried. I've gone on dates, I've talked to people. Yet I either push them away or they push me away. Nothing ever really happens. I know I can be more vulnerable because I guess subconsciously I'm trying to protect myself from getting hurt. However, I know that I can't find what I want if I'm not open to getting hurt more.
I've had a thing against finding love and talking to men for quite some time now, when I was really hurt by a "best friend" of mine and the guy I was talking to. I quickly realized after our only date together that he wasn't the one- I didn't like how rude and judgmental he was towards other people. His personality fit very well with my best friend at the time, and I had told her that if she wanted to date him, to go ahead but I didn't want her lying to me or doing things behind my back. And she did. Apparentley, these two had been seriously talking to each other weeks before I even went on the date with him. The only reason he wanted to go with me anyways was because he was interested in her and needed an in. I was that in, and I was the one who was severely hurt. I was also going through a lot of other not-so-great big life changes, and I felt abandoned by them as well. I no longer talk to either of them, but ever since that experience, I've built a thick brick wall around my heart with everyone around me, and I'm having such a hard time with tearing that wall down to let people in again.
In a way, I'm ashamed because it's been some time since that has happened to me. Deep down inside and within my heart, I just want somebody to love me. Yet my mind tells me to do other things with my life, rather than being open again. My brain has always been stronger than my heart, but I think my heart is finally fed up with my brain always getting what it wants.
I say this because of a dream I had a few nights ago. I was dreaming that I was at a huge festival taking place in what seemed like a coastal town in Greece. I was trying to find my boyfriend so I could tell him something important. He was working at the festival, and his shift was almost over. As I was going around the festival, I ran into a lady whom I met in California about four years ago in real life, but haven't been in much contact since I left. In the dream, we were best friends who haven't seen each other in quite a long time, but have been keeping in frequent contact. She came to the festival to see me again and finally meet my boyfriend. She had straight, blonde hair and a big pink flower behind her ear, the same shade of pink as the dress she was wearing. She had a bubbly personality, and was practically jumping up and down when she found me in the crowd of people. I was so excited to see her after the past few years.
Something was troubling me in my dream, but my real self hadn't a clue what was going on until the woman (let's name her Charlie), asked me what was wrong as her smile slowly faded away. I told her that I needed to sit down and tell her something important that I haven't told anyone yet. We found a bench that was a bit away from all the festivities taking place and when we sat down, I was choking to get the words out to her. Tears began to fall from my eyes while Charlie held my hands, patiently waiting to see what was troubling me. Finally, I told her that I was pregnant. Her eyes widened and she gasped. I explained to her that I wanted to keep the baby, but I was incredibly nervous to tell my boyfriend. I knew that it was his baby, and I knew that he loved me more than words can say. I knew his personality and how he's the sweetest and most loving man I had ever met. He has never hurt me and would never hurt me, yet I guess deep down I was afraid that he was going to leave me. The fear of everyone leaving me getting into my dreams, how great.
Charlie looked at me and told me that with everything she's heard about my boyfriend and everything that we've already been through together, she knew that things would be okay. She encouraged me to break through the wall that's allowing me to think all of the bad things and all of the negative "what ifs". I needed to trust him and trust our relationship. Charlie knew that I could tell him of my pregnancy.
At that moment, I got up towards the ocean to walk off my nerves and take a deep breathe to clear my mind. When I turned around to face the bench Charlie was still sitting on to tell her something, I spotted my boyfriend not too far from us checking the garbage cans and flower beds to make sure everything was in order.
My heart softened and I was immediately overcome with so much love for him (we'll call him Weston). I knew that this was the man I wanted to be with forever, to create a life with him and our own little family. I smiled, and a wave of peace and tranquility washed over me. Weston looked up and we made eye contact. He grew a huge smile, and it was confirmed to me as he jogged over to me and wrapped his strong arms around my waist to give me a tight squeeze, that he loved me just as much as I loved him.
He looked at me with a smile and his warm, brown eyes before giving me a quick peck kiss to say hello. At this moment, my real-life self recognized who this man in my dream was- a boy who I had a crush on in high school who I haven't seen or heard from since 2019. He's hardly even crossed my mind within the past seven years if I'm being completely honest, and it was kind of strange to be seeing him as my love interest in my dream. Yet at the same time, it felt perfect like a match made in heaven.
Back in the dream, we held hands and turned towards Charlie who was still sitting on the bench, watching every move we made. We sat down and I introduced her and Weston to each other. We talked briefly before Charlie's husband called and she had to go back into the festival to find him.
We followed her into the crowd to go and partake in the festivities for the rest of the daylight we had, and I was savoring every moment I was spending with Weston. As the night began to fall upon us, I told him that we needed to talk somewhere with only us around. We walked towards the overlook of the ocean, with no one around us. Just us and the waves hitting the rocks below us.
Weston embraced me in his arms and we held each other while looking out into the ocean. My heart began beating faster and faster with every minute going by, something that Weston eventually noticed. He pulled back from me a little bit to face me, with his arms still wrapped around my waist and my arms around his waist.
He asked me what was going on, and that I've been acting a little off today. I looked right into his warm, caring, and loving eyes that had a hint of concern laced in them. As I was choking up what to say, he reassured me that I can tell him anything while he gently stroked my hair back behind my ear. I closed my eyes and took a deep breathe. I opened them and as soon as I met back up with his eyes, I told him that I was pregnant.
His left hand cupped my face-- and then I woke up. I have no idea what happened after that. But all I knew was that the feeling of being loved, wanted, cared for, and just everything good that I felt within that dream is what I really want out of my life. I want to find my person who exemplified the qualities of Weston that I briefly saw in that dream. I want to love someone so deeply, and to create a family with that person. I want to find love and fill my life with family. That's what I truly want, and I think my heart has been annoyed with me over the years that my brain kept pushing that dream down for whatever reasons.
But with everything I went through, and the challenges I now face, can I overcome the brick wall surrounding my heart? Can I go the distance? Can I find where I belong and with whom I belong?
I guess only time will tell. As of right now, I need to find even the slightest of courage to put myself out there again to date. Once I start the momentum, I know that it'll be easier for me to keep going. Something is just blocking me and I need to unblock the flow of courage so I can use it for my advantage.
Well, that's all for this week folks. Until next week,
Peace Out
BNB
