AIO for telling my boyfriend that I don't like his "surprises"
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now, which doesn't seem very long, but it's my first kinda real relationship. Both of us are 18. My bf likes to do this "thing" where he'll tell me he's doing something, then I'll ask him to elaborate, and he'll refuse to. He does this with gifts, walks, dates, and random vague stuff.
He'll say, "Come on, let's go on a walk," and then I'll say, "Okay, where?" And he'll say, "You'll see," and absolutely refuse to say anything else because it will "ruin the surprise." I hate weird surprises like this. I want to be emotionally prepared for whatever's coming next, and my bf has a way of being intentionally vague and cryptic (something he's admitted to me before) that makes me really anxious, especially since he's been venting a lot to me lately.
The worst is when he talks about doing things "behind the scenes" or doing so much for me, but then nothing happens. Or when he's driving me somewhere and he won't tell me where we're going. I don't think he's doing it intentionally, but it makes me so nervous. I've told him multiple times that this behavior bothers me, but he refuses to stop or understand where I'm coming from. He usually says, "That takes all the fun out of it," or "I know you don't like surprises, but I don't understand why." More recently, every time I ask him to stop or to give me a heads-up, he gets mad at me for asking, saying stuff like "I'm not ruining the surprise; just do it!" Or "I don't understand why you just don't get it?! Why are you being so difficult?"
I really care about this guy, but our relationship has become so stressful. Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting because it's not that big of a deal, and usually the "surprises" are nice gestures. He tells me I'm overreacting and that I should just let him do the surprises. AIO?
Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (95% confidence)
Top comment: “His fun. Losing his control over you is ruining his fun. NOR, this is a big red flag.”
Notable comment: “He IS doing it intentionally. You told him it bothers you, and he continues to do it. NOR.
I also hate surprises. I told my partner this, and it did take two or three conversations to really click, but he very rarely surprises me now, and when he does it's always in little, pre-approved ways.
Like, "hey, I found a cool rock or some wildflowers on the way home" or "good morning, I doordashed us breakfast and I got you the same thing you wanted last time" are great, but "hi, I extensively rearranged our furniture while you were gone, including reorganizing your desk" leads to a panic attack and "I made us plans/reservations/got last-minute tickets, we need to leave in an hour" I'm just straight-up not going.
Spontenaity wasn't a deal breaker for my partner, but No Surprises was a deal breaker for me, so we're happy without it. If sounds like spontenaity is a deal breaker for your boyfriend, and No Surprises is a deal breaker for you, so you're fundamentally incompatible.
But the blatant disregard for your feelings on the subject is...oof. What a jerk.”
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Originally shared by Sweaty_Succotash_636 on r/AmIOverreacting on July 30th, 2026 at 12:58 AM UTC. Credit to u/wildcampion and u/possiblethrowaway369 for the quoted comments.
