cherry valley forever
titsay
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#extradirty
Today's Document
DEAR READER
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Misplaced Lens Cap
Xuebing Du
JBB: An Artblog!
Game of Thrones Daily
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izzy's playlists!
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"
pixel skylines
dirt enthusiast
Three Goblin Art
Sweet Seals For You, Always
seen from Vietnam
seen from Germany
seen from Guatemala
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from Germany
seen from Malaysia
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Sweden
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Poland
seen from Sint Maarten
seen from Germany
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
@beautifulphoenixdoll
It's been a while that I've written. I've been so consumed by him. Tonight might be the end of him and I and I don't know how I'm gonna cope--but I know that I'll be ok. I have to be. I really do. Someone out there is meant for me, if it's not him. I will be in a beautiful relationship one day, and the person will not make me feel less than. They won't leave. They'll be there.
Idk why my brain flips a switch when I label and become exclusive in my relationships. My brain just goes, “significant other....nah...parents who emotional scarred and neglected you. That’s the one!”. I am chill before I make my relationships exclusive and yet I can’t trick my brain into thinking, “just think he’s a fwb, that’s all”. So I can just chill the fuck down
This is too relatable for me. I am every guys dream girl until I fall in love--until I realize damn I'd be sad if they left. Then I get all distant and weird. The cycle begins. I feel you so much on this! GREAT POST!
The moments where I'm happy-- I feel it everywhere radiating from the inside out. Life seems full of possibilities and I know from the deepest part of my soul that life, living, loving is beautiful and that I am so grateful to be alive. I forget this in my darkest moments. It's important to have this written down for days like that.
NOTE to self: no matter how badly you are feeling, no matter how dark the skies are, no matter how hopeless you feel, no matter how much pain you are in: Life is worth living and everything is going to be more than alright. You're a warrior queen. You've felt and fought this before and won. You are way TOO strong to ever be broken.
You are a queen.
My brains on fire.
My thoughts are spinning.
My heart is being dragged in the mud.
My soul feels beaten.
My face muscles are tense.
And my eyes feel overused and heavy.
When will I ever know peace?
When will my bpd symptoms get better enough so I can see clearly?
I feel hopeless.
Can anyone hear me?
Does anyone see it?
No, probably not.
Just him. The one I love.
The one I push away constantly.
And you know what's sad?
He's the only one I want around.
The only one who knows how to make me feel alive and free.
Sometimes, I wonder if there is anything good about me anymore..
Sometimes, I wonder if I will ever have a life worth living.
Can I?
I hope so.
When I think of HIM..
It can go either way. I will be so happy it feels like I am intoxicated. Then there are moments where I wish I could stop thinking of him at all. Then there are moments where I wish I could stop feeling. Anyone else so hopelessly in love with someone?
I love you, but you could be anyone. I can hide from the thunder in a sky full of song.
I thought I was flying, but maybe I am dying, tonight.
If having BPD was nailed by a certain song
Is it really me or is it time for me?
I’m really getting tired of believing my brain is creating the problems in my life. I am tired of overthinking in my relationship. Is it me or is it really as I see it? Does my partner really care about me? Or maybe they really don’t and I’m just staying because I don’t know how to leave. I’m battling thoughts of self worth because of the way I perceive my partner behaviors and tone. Sometimes, i feel so enmeshed in our relationship that I forget about my own life. I forget what I used to do before them, what I liked to do because I became obsessive with wanting their company, attention, and love. Why don’t I become obsessive with loving myself (maybe not obsessive to the point where I am self-centered, but you get the point)? What is stuff and hobbies I like to do, outside of work? I need to focus on my hobbies and maybe i won’t be so obsessed with assuming or thinking what my partner is doing because I am in the moment with myself. Sorry for venting, I needed to tell myself this. I hope my words help in any way!
Your words definitely help. I self sacrifice all the time in my relationships. I recently got told I shouldnt date for a while. Ok Ive been told that all the time actually, but just recently started to NOT date. And it sucks. Like I litereally feel like I am coming off of a drug or something. It is fucking awful. Im not sure what I am supposed to be looking forward to right now or what will make life super fun or interesting, considering I am not drinking either. But I am tired of over investing and self sacrificing only to have the whole thing end up in flames and even more beat up than the last relationship. I am trying to do the whole self love thing while getting over an ex, and rebuilding my life. Getting a career, and becoming financially independent, but most importantly nip this BPD thing in the butt with becoming a DBT ninja.. ITS SO HARD. and I know its gonna take a lot of time, and I AM SHIT at being patience and with “time”. Im hoping as long as I do the right thing, little by little Ill be free from this, and Ill end up meeting a guy who I love and it wont torment me or HIM. That is another thing, I end up unintentionally TORMENTING the men I love. And I hate that. It is draining as all hell for both of us.
I love your page, It’s incredibly relatable. And If you ever need to talk, I am here.
This is actually brilliant!!
Love this.
Got into meditation recently. Meditated today for the first time in a few days. I felt so great--- whole, just for a few moments. I need to build on that.
I wish I felt wholesome. Truly fulfilled. Happy with myself. I often wonder do people actually ever feel completely whole? If, so, how? Sometimes, I wish I had a time machine. All this self improvement and work, is going to take a while.
Les portes de Québec
photograph by Michaël Pineault :: via flickr.com
When one door closes, another one opens
CENTER OF HOPE
I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am ashamed to say that, and I shouldn’t be. I never judge anyone else or anyone else’s diagnosis. I did not ask for this condition. But I have it, like several millions who have mental health illnesses. For the first time in the history of the human species Mental Health is being discussed amongst each other openly in much more public avenues. That being said, I feel it is my due diligence to use my voice, and share what it has been like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder. Imagine a blister, fragile to the touch, prone to infection, with just a thin layer of skin protecting your insides from being exposed to collecting dirt or other bacteria that cause a fatal infection if untreated. A borderline female is a beautiful and chaotic thing. On one hand we tend to be the most loving, creative, sensitive, thoughtful, and compassionate beings. On the other we have spent our lives taking in messages and our surroundings and using them against ourselves, feeling controlled by our emotions, afraid of our own brains and the places our thoughts can lead us to. A common thread is that we mostly we have spent our lives in SO much pain. Pain that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Pain that a razor or blade soothe, for a blades sharp edge doesn’t even come close to how we are feeling inside but is sharp enough to distract us from the pain within. We are known to seek attention at any cost. Starving ourselves, or overeating. Whether its selling our bodies, offering our bodies, or treating our own like nothing more then a sexual object we seek the comfort of someone elses to let us know we are alright, that we are indeed desired, that we can be “loved”. Because we hate the skin were in. Because having someone’s hand on us even if it is just for a night means we don’t have to be alone. Being Alone is the scariest place to be. Alone the pain is magnified and something that would rub a non bpd the wrong way could make us feel like we want to end it all and just die. We convince ourselves that living—living is just too hard, and that this pain…. This all consuming pain that cripples us physically, emotionally, spiritually—I mean all around-- will never end. There are times where we see clearly. Those are the times we are happy to be alive. We get another day to enjoy the sun that beams brightly on our faces—you can see when were happy, when we are in love, when we believe in something positive and strongly—you will never question how we feel—for we cannot hide it… we are open souls and we are open hearted and the least judgemental creatures that are seeking to be understood while trying to understand our own sense of self. That is where Borderline Personality gets tricky--- especially young borderlines because our brains, sense of time, and worldly knowledge are still so far from being fully developed. Not only do we have a lot to learn but we have to learn it while our brain is on fire. And that is the thing—I Spent most of my life fighting my BPD symptoms on top of just trying to have a life, go to school, make friends, be a good daughter and sister, and girlfriend… and it was all just too much to take on. A simple task became the end of the world for me--- no one would ask someone to stitch up a hole on the back of their jeans while they were stuck in their house that was on fire surrounded by flames… they would tell them to get out. And that is how I felt—entitled to get out, in any way, any shape, or form… I just had to get out of my brain. But in the moment how do you explain that to someone who doesn’t understand that sewing up a hole with needle and thread pushes you off the edge? And that was what it was like when I was emotionally dysregulated. I was and can be a DANGER to myself. I wouldn’t harm a fly-a rat-a mouse, but I am the most LETHAL when it comes to myself, and myself only. Some of us break things, I did. But only to demonstrate the rage that built up inside of me. Only to show people that inside I am indeed hurting to this amount. The desire to be understood, or for someone to tell us that they too feel similarly—is so needed and helpful in the most profound way. I say this because without meeting the wonderful human beings I have met in treatment facilities suffering from BPD or other mental health diagnosis—all with gifts and challenges and a battle to fight of their own-- I would never EVER have the courage to come forward and share my experience.
It is in breaking my anonymity that I want to share with everyone that suffers with a mental health diagnosis that you are not alone. That you have nothing to be ashamed of, and that you can have a healthy and productive life with a recovery plan. Mental Health Treatment is much like attending AA—you need a DAILY reprieve to battle your condition. Without a treatment plan, without the proper and continuous and regimented medication (if needed), therapy, support system, and schedule you will have a much rougher time combating whatever youre facing. Not only is mental health a booming topic of discussion but the field itself is growing in ways that are remarkable. I spent so long fighting my diagnosis, fighting the treatment, fighting taking medication, fighting was recommended because I did not want to have my diagnosis. I did not want to believe I was in a category of people that needed pills to function normally—but how many people take medication every day to make sure their bones stay strong, or help with their lactose intolerant problems?
Everyday I wake up and re commit to another day of making sure my mental health is my number one priority—and the first thing I do is reminding myself that I ACCEPT myself for everything that I am. That I am not my diagnosis but that I indeed have Borderline. With practice and effort the things that once seemed so heavy no longer are, but only because I have been attending a diagnostic program where I have been able to set up a structured schedule that I will maintain after leaving. I noticed that If I sleep at the same time and wake at the same time, I am a different person. I noticed that with daily physical exercise even if it means walking for an hour I feel much better about myself and my body stays energized. Meditation is so crucial. As long as I meditate once a day in the morning my entire day tends to go positively. I have become a huge fan of DBT. I was not always a fan- especially as an adolescent --- oh how against it I once was… The workbook and concepts that were (this is putting it lightly) mundane, boring, and militant are what my mind craves. I love the structure-I love what it has given back to me.
The young girl who was so terrified of herself and her own brain knows that feelings are just feelings—I mean I always understood that saying but I never had any control of my own feelings—I was a runner. You couldn’t get me to sit still, or spend an evening alone with having a complete meltdown EVER. I am so strong now that I laugh at that—I laugh because I am free. I am smiling as I write this because I know that I have the skills to face things, have done so here at lidner. I smashed the fear of having to sit through things, to get through things on my own that used to CONSUME me WHOLE—and now do it happily because that means that I AM in control not the other way around. Lindner and DBT has given me, myself back. There is not a better gift once can receive after being lost for so long. I keep thinking gosh I want to share it with everyone—I feel like ive been given this secret remedy--- so I have never been more excited to start my life, to give back, to try and help others who are still struggling battling themselves, their brains, their emotions this wonderful tool that not only has saved my life but has also given me myself back.
Can I say it again: I am in control of my emotions- I can sit with them- I can stay self regulated- I can challenge my thoughts and not be afraid- I handle crisis’ without making things worse and I definitely without a doubt have more better days then bad ones. Who would have ever thought this would happen? It surely feels like a dream, but its happened since January 7th 2021—and it will continue to happen because Ive been given the key, and its not going anywhere else except for in my daily routine.
