Be Careful She Writes

Writing about writing..

[becarefulshewrites]

Do you live your life one chapter at a time?

Sunday Writers club writing prompt - Sun Jan 12th 2025

When I was younger, I used to watch a lot of TV series, much more than Disney cartoons and movies. I loved the daily fantasies of me living with the characters in their homes, miseries and dreams. They were second families to me! I was so addicted and too removed from myself as a child. Experts say children do that when they’re bored.. But I wasn’t bored? As a TV child I had a lot of fun! I just don’t remember anything else about my childhood anymore.

It wasn't until I became an adult, leading a little more interesting life, that I turned into my own main character, living in my own TV series season by season. Growing up I had to accept that life cannot be watch-worthy every single day. You know this is not possible and not even fair for one's nervous system. It's a very very demanding job to be one's own series director.

Lately I wrote a very brief autobiographical series of seven seasons, and as much as it was one of the most ridiculously fulfilling things I've ever did, it took away my sleep for months. Years after I gave up my childhood drugs, I think I invented a drug for myself, and there were consequences. I can’t take such a wild ride everyday, no matter how therapeutic. I needed a break!

So I’m now between seasons, pondering. I have to let the next chapter unfold at its pace. The child in me is super bored already, but I'm tuned!

[becarefulshewrites]

Rolling in the Leap!

"Thursday will be February 29th. It only happens every 4 years, so don't waste it! If you could have your wish, how would you love to spend your bonus 24 hours?"

Sunday Writers Club - Feb 25th 2024

Dear February,

You know you're not my favourite month, and it's not just me, many others don't like you too. No idea why really? You're still the shortest month, even this year. Yet you still manage to walk by us mysteriously slower than August?! I won't google the reasons, I believe it's your pure bad luck. People still like August more than you (I like August too, despite him being mostly toxic), and I think it's unfair. You were kind to me this year at least, and I'd like to give you the benefit of the doubt. They announced you're giving us extra 24 hours this year (I mean today), but I think you could have done much better.. It's just another working day, are you kidding me?!

There must also be reasons why it's up to you to decide if this year should leap or not? Have you ever changed your mind? I think you have some kind of exclusive wisdom, and you seem to have a lot of secrets. Probably dark ones. I can't help but ask, what are you bringing us this time?

Last time it was Covid19, and the leaps before gave me more of personal Covids. Remember how my life turned around in 2004 and 2012? And how it changed entirely in 2008 and 2016? Certainly you don't know me to that level of detail, and probably you messed up so many other lives that you don't remember mine anymore. But I still think you do know a lot better than I do, and maybe you'd tell me why am I hopeful this year despite that ugly face of the world? Do you already know if it is going to get much uglier than that? Are you going to change my life again this year? Or heal me even further than 2020 did? How deep will the wounds get? And how far will the revelations take me? Who will be the new bad guys? And who among them will earn their redemption? Am I one of them?

Your 2024 secret seems profound, and I need to take a leap of faith to really know, or else my soul will starve.

Don't stay tuned though, I'm not promising you anything, and I'm not sure I'll make it to the next leap year to tell you how it went. You might want to ask my friends, and they'll tell you to the best of their knowledge. Do you tell your friends everything, February?

Do you show up every time you're needed? Who in the world would be ok with showing up only once every four years?! You tell me how you do that! You seem to be content with less, and I agree that less is more, and that sometimes the devil lies in the details, especially the ones you choose to skip, and the years you choose to lose. I think it's just so wise of you, to choose intervention only every four years. For that I'm choosing to trust you even if I have absolutely no reasons to. So here you go, thank you for coming this year! This is the 9th count in my life, and I really hope it won't leave empty handed.

And by the way, thank you for the extra 24 hours. I had to call in sick today and I'm using the time to rest and recharge. But I hope my sickness is not your intended gift!

[becarefulshewrites]

"Follow Your Heart" - My Lame Game

This February on the Sunday before Valentine's, this was the one writing prompt that intrigued me, so I rolled the dice and here's what I got..

Sunday Writers Club - Feb 11th 2024

"So I rolled the dice and it told me to follow my heart. But the dice isn't supposed to tell us what to do, is it?"

"This is the game, mum. You agreed to play with me!"

"It's a stupid game, honey. But it's ok to have some fun"

"My game isn't stupid, you're stupid!"

"You don’t talk to mummy like that!"

"I'm not talking to you again! There's no point you never listen.. The only thing you heard is when I told you you're stupid. Why? Because you are! And my game is not stupid!"

The little girl with pitchy voice and curly hair left me behind. She has many names I'm not sure which one I should call her now. She's always visited me in my dreams, and daydreams. But not anymore. She was really mad that last time, she thinks that I, her future mum, am a hopeless case. She stopped coming to me on Monday mornings before coffee to assure me that this mundane life of mine shall pass, and she will arrive. I looked forward to that day when I won't have to wake up to mornings like these.. Well I won't be sleeping in the first place, and my favourite coffee will fail to numb me into correctness. By that time I won't be in my right mind.. Or how else would she ever come back to me?

Do I even want to admit how long she has been in my dreams before that fight? I wasn't really in my right mind when I let her in, I didn't know it will cost me all that longing time. I did agree to play that game with her, and I rolled the dice, but "Follow Your Heart" is just lame! How would a woman in her right mind follow her heart, when that's exactly the place where she's being attacked all the time? I already broke my heart a hundred times before, but once this girl comes back to my arms, I will give the world a thousand more reasons to break my heart again and again.

When I was younger, I used to play the lame heart game, but I never told anyone about it because I thought it's stupid. Nevertheless, I kept building my own stupid world, and left my people behind to theirs. When I grew into my right mind though, I stopped abandoning others, and stopped wasting my time on stupid things. I turned into that correct woman who sucks her own passion rather than sucking other people's energy with it. Passion has mostly put me in places that scared me, and in many ways also scarred me. In my right mind, I'd listen to my super ego and volunteer space to someone more passionate than me (or shall I say more comfortable with their passion than I am?). Does anyone I know need a mother like me? Not my kid I guess.

"You're stupid!"

"Sweetheart you're back!"

She caught me by surprise and I couldn’t hold my tears. Lately I have been on Instagram longer than I'd want to admit, and with all the kids that were murdered in the feeds, I thought she's also gone forever. But she's still alive! She looked at me and all I could feel was mercy that held my newborn heart, letting it take in fresh air for the first time, and touching its skin to calm it down. But I couldn’t hold her.

"Why are you crying, Mum?"

"Because you don't seem to come.. It has been so long and I find it hard to believe you. Were you lying to me?"

"No I'm not lying. I'm coming!" She said with an excited smile that beats every sunshine I ever saw.

"I know you don't lie, when you said that I'm stupid you were not lying"

"Mum? Do you feel shame?"

"Shame?! Who taught you this word?"

"I don't remember"

"Oh darling I'm so sorry!"

She never met anyone else but me, I didn't let her. I think I managed to keep her in my womb forever, and I have no idea why I thought it was the right thing to do. I'm stupid! I let my little kid know shame all too well. And I think I cried harder realising this.

"Mum? What do we do when we find a loved one crying?"

"We pat on their shoulder and comfort them"

"Right shoulder or left shoulder?"

"You choose, sweetie. You can also pat on the back"

She put her little arms around my neck and hugged me (did she even listen to me?!)

"Mum? Do you wanna play a game?"

"Yes honey"

This time with a rather victorious smile, she said "Roll the dice!"

I rolled the dice and got "Follow Your Heart", again.

"What should I do next?", I asked her.

[becarefulshewrites]

Gathering Clouds

On a very sunny day in January I walked in the shade and wrote about the clouds. The writing prompt is "Tell a story of gathering clouds", and I tried my best to be fictional.. Sunday Writers Club - Jan 28th 2024

I'm more familiar with the sun, and moon. I'm not so comfortable with the skies in between.

"But look at me!", the sky has been calling for years. There's much more to the sky than that, I know. When he fell in love, Ewan McGregor sang "Like I've never seen the sky before". I saw the moon for the first time the last time I fell in love, but not the sky beneath, only the "bright" moon. It wasn't love.

The time I really saw the sky and answered the non stop call was a couple of months ago, on a cloudy summer day, a very blue day, by the river. I saw the clouds gathering like giants coming back from ancient times. I felt as if they came just for me, among the crowds sitting by the river, to stage an intervention. I felt so small, but not as lonely as I usually am in crowded places. That day, in a very weird way, the clouds were hugging little me.

I have been praying and crying for clarity lately, probably because I never appreciated it until the clouds gathered. I'm used to the sun, and I only saw the moon when I longed for someone or something. But the clouds? Not my thing.

Whenever I'm asked: What pains you? What interests you? What makes your eyes glow with passion? What makes you cry? I never get to have one clear answer. But most of the time, I don't have an answer at all. For some reason I never wanted to admit how hard those questions are for me, so I just say what comes up. This is how I lived most of my years, dismissing the clouds. Un-seeing me. Demanding only the sun, all of the time, taking my home country's sun for granted, not knowing that a sunny day everyday is never my answer. I'm not that warm, I'm not that bright, I don't have to be clear all of the time.

Clouds gather to announce a rain might come soon, and rain prayers are always answered. Little did I know that those clouds are actually my friends. Never have I admitted that those clouds are just me.

[hebatollah]

I'm not lonely, you're making me one!

Just because I didn't walk your line doesn't mean I don't belong. You excluded me from your narrative despite all the love I carry.

I have a lot of stories to tell, but you won't listen. You think what I'm going through would never happen to you because I chose my miseries, made my mistakes and now I'm only paying the price. I pity you for thinking that way to be honest, and I understand why I might have outgrown your validation. I never pursued that one in particular but I'm grateful for the bitter truth.

It bothers you even more when I find new solutions to my challenges, as if breaking your rules is what drives me. As a matter of fact, I don't even care what you think. I'm only telling my original story, without any unsolicited editing from your side. You excluded me earlier, why use my stories now?!

Just because I enjoy my solitude doesn't mean I don't need people to belong to. My nomadic soul still deserves a home, and is looking for one, and will find it. But you don't seem to have it, so please don't take me. I'll never find home if I walk your line.

Fri Jul 28th 2023

[becarefulshewrites]

What I talk about when I talk about loneliness

[becarefulshewrites]

My Ideal Reader

One of the writing prompts that captured me was "Your ideal reader" and I kept writing about that reader until it expectedly turned into an ideal friend. There I met yet another imaginary friend.. Or maybe writing itself is my perfect friend in a hurtfully imperfect time. Here's how I described my ideal reader.

I'm not burdened by my own story, advice, or judgments. There's nothing about what you're going to say that 'I already know', despite all the time we spent together. The one thing I know is that your silence is not ok. Stop hiding because I see you anyway. You didn't need to be so loud in the crowd either, I heard you anyway. It won't burden me if you are too bright or too dark. I'm not too broken to take your trouble. Be my trouble this time, and hopefully I'll see you more clearly. Tell me more and don't worry about my time, you're not wasting it. You're not taking it from anybody. You've got my time for no reason at all. Rather than looking out for who might be more deserving than you, just tell me more.

Sunday Writers club - Feb 19th 2023