ex novo

|I am not a poet I am only a sinner bleeding my brokenness down the aisles of every 24 hour drug store| All writings are my own

[becauseimustwrite]

A la playa

machines use us

and we use them

how symbiotic

when will one subside and

the other take over

intertwined

we live in this

police state

but ignore

peace

eat a nectarine

with someone you

love

i wish that is

what i was

doing

most days

instead i just—

so-

[becauseimustwrite]

In The Morning —-

I couldn’t bring myself

to get out of bed

to write you another

apology

for shit i never didd

i cried instead

there’s nothing new

about anything i have

to say to you

so it took me

a while to write this

but its from the heart

[which you may have already broken by now]

either way—-

I have no choice

but to trust you

[becauseimustwrite]

KARL SAID TO POST THIS

YES MY LOVE

I’M DR. SOICE

HOW DISAPPOINTING

WITHOUT MY HAT

I’D STAND 6’2”

___________

NONE OF THAT

MATTERS NOW

I’M YOUR FAVORITE ADDICT

I’M YOUR “ “ ‘S FAVE ADDICT

SO YOU’D SACRIFICE

YOUR NEXT OF KIN

AS I’M SHOUTING

KEEP IT

___

YOU CAN’T DROWN YOUR

SORROWS IN

EVERCLEAR

I TRIED

[becauseimustwrite]

hiyasynth

could we imagine a

more crude world to inherit

something sweet

planted amongst

the ruin

eternities fortold

us of this revival

and here

we are shucked

shriveled

with pain comes drought

with drought comes famine

all of the

Angels

who know us best—

they couldn’t

if they tried

do you remember

not loving each other

[becauseimustwrite]

LAMBS

WRAPPED

THERMOGENE

BEGET

NO

WOOL

to this effect

we can not solve

this problem

with bloodshed

only with trust

love

and peace

[becauseimustwrite]

IF WE BEIN RAËL

can you

pause the commotion

in your own head

long enough

to rejoice in the chaos

of this plane

can you surf

between the things

you can hear smell taste touch

and those of which you desire

as someone who has

pleasantly received

plethoras of presents

i am unwavering

in my certitude

that all that is

is all that will ever be

and yet

i create

and destroy

if this serves as some

simplified

map

of times to come

then please

remember

my warnings

my pleadings

my cries

remember

every single time

i forged a new path

when i should

have unleashed

unto the world

the torments

of my mind

i wore fur

and sequins

sipped politely

and apologized

i was late

and early

and right on time

i asked questions

and answered them

kissed and hugged

so now

when you marvel

at the destruction

that surrounds you

i will be here

tucked in gently

i will be here

thanking myself

for withholding the same

pains that pierced me

all the while

transmuting them

into these verbose

soliloquies

perhaps

that was my only job

i promised you

the wrath of millennia

[becauseimustwrite]

ACQUISITIONS

candlelight coated cries

constant fixation

that begets nothing more

than another set of scars

that everyone around me

politely ignores

i try not to create

a deeper hole

knowing

that climbing out

of my current

excavation

has/was/will be

grueling

the night has been

my only form of refuge

but upon the arrival of daybreak

i haven’t been able to muster

the courage

to open the blinds

instead

i fall into this restless slumber

and when i awake

(occasionally against my own will)

i find the same circumstances that

made me pray for the

eternal slumber i was previously denied

when i stare into the eyes

of the people who once comforted me

i am overcome with feelings of

anger and confusion

the betrayal has become

blistering

and i can’t seem to find

common ground with those

who i continuously once

championed

i feel like lead

and i have started to look like it too

i don’t want to kiss

connect

commiserate

with anyone

and i don’t know

if that is something

that i have simply been

lying to myself about

or if this new

concrete version of myself

is a natural response

an evolutionary result

perhaps the product

of decades of distrust

i am guilty of being gullible

and that was a crime

i was quite proud of

for sometime

an ongoing effort

to allow myself to

remain buoyant

amongst a sea of snakes

i told myself

i would rather be deceived

than distrustful

i wanted to make the choice

to be perpetually pulverized

rather than preemptively protective

i write this to you

as a pile of smithereens

and selfishly,

i hope it finds you

half as heartbroken

cowardly and callous

stoic and sterile

if by some chance

it doesn’t

i suppose that’s wonderful

dreadfully unfair

but yeah, no

splendid i guess

truthfully

i don’t wish this

disposition on anyone

[becauseimustwrite]

STYLIZED RENDITION OF A SIMPLE TARUS | the bull of heaven

some of us

are made out of

stardust

and while

i sit upon

my pink velvet pulpit

and marvel at

the creations

the lies

the betrayal

and the deception

i too must have

some admiration

for the lengths

gone

to ensure

my safe captivity

unleash me to the world

and i will no longer

sanction this extinguishment

of this realm

i still want what is mine

so hopefully

you all have found a way

to make that happen

is everyone

nice n warm

from the solar flare?

[becauseimustwrite]

REQUIEM FOR THOSE LOST IN TEL AVIV

the Lightning bugs would tear through the vast night sky as we drive our footprints harder into the pedal boundlessly advancing towards the precipice of our existence

[becauseimustwrite]

Poisonberry

i dip my knife

in the sweet red jam

and smear

that motherfucker

on my whole life

I knit sweaters in the summer

in hopes that the winter will be the

warmest yet

[becauseimustwrite]

Ode to the intangible

I can’t tell if I’m getting bad again

or if this is how it always was

I swear the years are getting longer

and my hands are getting weaker

whenever the thought of you

surrounds me

I start shaking

•

[becauseimustwrite]

I’m scared. [delete]

[becauseimustwrite]

Pearl Dance

IT WHAT WE CALLED IT

SO SWEET AND FRESH

TASTING EACH OTHER

RHYTHM FOR THE FIRST

TIME

GROOVY

INORDINATELY

RIGHT

SO SMALL

IT TOOK MOMENTS

THAT NEITHER OF

US HAD TO SPARE

AND YET THERE

THEY WERE FOR

THE TAKING

IF TOOK EONS

[becauseimustwrite]

ANTONYM

the pumpkins are

vermillion

and the skies

are crystal clear

i hear your voice through my speaker

and read your words over and over again

and i smile because it happened

i don’t cry because it’s over

i laugh wildly in my lovers arm

and we do things like cuddle

and wear matching pajamas

i love my brownstone in brooklyn

but the park avenue penthouse is

by and large my favorite

the galleries are filled with my paintings

my garage filled with classic coupes

the radio plays my songs

my parents love each other again

and my new york times best seller

payed for the vow renewal

my friends are my fans

and everyone i was a fan of is my friend

my atelier sends over fabric samples

but i’m too busy dusting my oscars to look

at them this moment

i have my assistant pick the best of the best

and i send back the rest

you whisper to me how much

i mean to you

and i smile the same neekish smile

i always do because i know it’s true

but every time you say it to me

i think about how i thought i lost you

and how phenomenal it is to

reunited with you

i sigh out of joy and not exhaustion

we spend our days

planning our next adventures

[becauseimustwrite]

THE ACCURACY IN WHICH I AM ABLE TO SPEAK ABOUT FUTURE EVENTS IS ONLY GROWING MORE PRECISE

the

hellfire

i promised

came today

upon tel aviv

this wormwood

this recount of revelations

i keep spewing does nothing

if no one is listening.

666999662

i have spoken with the gods

they knew not

about their wrongdoings

what we consider to be

morally repugnant is

or up until yesterday was

in their eyes

considered

permissible.

it is only now that

they realize

the peril

the pain

the centuries lost to

inbreeding

hatred

genocide

infanticide

that they too

feel as i do

°°°°°°°

i am not so sure

that i am ready quite yet

to leave this realm

but this body of mine

beckons to

~~~~~~~~~~~~

halloween is approaching

and i know that

is not a real reason

to stay

but

it may be

the only thing

i am hanging on to.

################

each day without you

is insufferable

i don’t want to lend my heart

nor my body

to your dupes

nor do i want to

be alone

00000000000000

it is seemingly selfish of me

to sanction this annihilation

but know that

i do so with a loving heart of lead

sometimes a reset is needed

77777777777777777777777777

if this world took my love from me

and i have none left to lend

then what use is there in remaining here

lifelessly watching the grass fade from green to grey

??????????????????????????

im about 80% sure there is nothing left

but that 20% of me still hopes for you

in each and every way i can

looking into the void for answers or signals

of any kind

5656565666666566666656766

the singularity nears

but so does the cataclysm

can we be so honest and sure

as to say this world is worth saving?

i was made broken

i was born blue

i was brought into this world without consent

and while i have spent my days

far more fortunate than most

what i desire now is answers

answers

only god can provide me with.

i feel my friends growing into shadows of themselves

i feel time ceasing to a halt

and i don’t feel the crispness of autumn

instead

an overripe october

that threatens to eviscerate us all

the lies of centuries are unraveling before

our eyes and people

seek vengeance

they seek

revolution

but who in their right mind

would dare to sacrifice themselves

for such a revolting place.

the blind optimism in me began dying

in half lives

when you did

there’s not much left of it

certainly not enough to share

with the rest of the class.

i will take it out of my paper

lunch sack

and quietly chew it in the corner

carefully

so as to not crunch too loudly

i will savor whatever is left.

464545546457645875887

i am sorry

i think i became the thing i have feared most

i have all of these

powers

and i sit solemnly

alone

useless and inconsolable

but there’s only so much one can take before

it simply all becomes too much

———

i know that holding myself hostage is

my only way out

i will continue through this labyrinth

begrudgingly

i will still use the 20%

of the hope i have left

to do things like

brush my teeth

and drink

for as long as i can

but there must be some

accountability taken

for the souls that have departed

for lives they never lived

the future that was robbed from them

it

is

not

right.

[becauseimustwrite]

CURTAIN CALL

can you not

see

that with

ever

fiber

of my being

i am serious

what more

must you see

to understand

that

i will not

spare a single

soul

if i am not

reunited

with the

other half

of mine.

how many more

must perish

for you all

to realize

this atonement

is a requirement

not

an

option.

———-

i fear not

for my own soul

as i have been

consoled

day and night

by the omnipotent forces

that govern us all

—-

bully

i am not

bull

ox

auroch

toro

taurus

born in the year of the ox

formidable

unchanging

unyielding

defiant

and sure.

have i not

shown you

warned you

told you all

of the horrors that will come

of defiling my destiny?

———

a prophecy

fulfilled

through

the worlds

i

and i alone

am able to

ordain.

——

i know

it falls not upon

deaf ears

——-

there is no merit

in this senseless

annihilation

——-

i will again

offer this ceasefire

but it will be my last attempt to do so

you cannot rid the earth

of its angels

and not expect

hellfire to encompass

every corner of this terrain

——-

the god you pray to

is vindictive

and will be avenged

my any means necessary

—-

if it means we shall

begin again

i pray

this time

it will be for something

more worthy

of salvation

than the breed

of ingrates

that took my love from me

that shackled children

that slaughtered the elderly

tortured the mothers

poisoned the water

and cut down the great oaks

______

i have stifled my tears with

sertraline

and i cannot cry for you now

———

the hope i had

has turned to rage

and soon it will transform

into something far more vile

than we could have ever imagined.

_______

it is not too late.

i beg of you

please

remedy this wrongdoing

and all will be well

let me write of his freckles

let me place soft lips upon his

let us be merry and rejoice

away from the incalculable pressure

this dimension drowned us in before

———

[becauseimustwrite]

COELESCE l CHIHIRO

return

to me

what

you

have

hidden

stolen

my heart

my muse

bring him

in this realm

to me

once

and forever

more

in exchange

i offer

the world

back to you

a gift

you must nourish

you shall

deliver him to me

unharmed

dashing as ever

valiant

noble

brilliant

as he was

when i laid

eyes upon him last

for this

is my best and final

i don’t

negotiate

with terrorists

—————

we shall be

wed

if it is of

his volition

too

if he and i

are divine counterparts

in this divine comedy

we will be

as i have dreamt us to be

everlasting

enamored

———-

don’t tempt fate

as she is quite the temptress

foolish

she may seem

but aloof she is not

——

though i stand

weaponless

and unyielding

do not think

the gods

do not shield me

confide in me

they will not forsake me

nor i them

they will do my bidding

and it will be

unstoppable