Becky's Journal

My thoughts, struggles and pain. This is who I am, in the raw

[beckysjournal-blog]

I miss Paul. I miss Luke. I miss Dakota. I miss how simple and close we were. But sadly death took Paul away, misunderstandings and unwillingness to reconcile took Luke away, and war took Dakota away. My body hurts, and it’s because I miss you.

[beckysjournal-blog]

Pity dates. Broken promises. Love that was never real. That is what I am always left with. I loved you, but I guess you didn’t love me.

[beckysjournal-blog]

Why do I even bother with love

[beckysjournal-blog]

You didn’t even say goodbye

You’ve been out of the country for weeks and you didn’t even tell me. I would’ve loved to see you before you left, and now I have to wait six months before I can see you again...

[beckysjournal-blog]

I thought I was over this. I thought that I didn’t have feelings anymore, but as soon as I see that smiley at the end of the text I get butterflies. I miss you. How have I gone so long without seeing you? It’s been over a year since I last saw you and hugged you. You may be difficult to work with, but I’d give the world just to know what it’d be like to have your hand in mine

[beckysjournal-blog]

What I don't understand is why I'm not worthy of love by other people. They say I deserve it, but no one is ever willing to give it.

[breezeymama]

How would you ever learn unconditional love if you were married to someone who met all the conditions? How would you ever learn mercy, patience, long-suffering, heartfelt compassion if you were married to someone who never failed you, who was never difficult with you, who never sinned against you, who was never slow to acknowledge their sin or ask for forgiveness? How would you ever learn grace to pour out your favor on someone who did not deserve it if you were married to someone who was always deserving of all good things? The main purpose of marriage is that, through your marriage, you become conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. Marriage, I believe, is the greatest instrument of sanctification.

Paul Washer (via theadventurer)

[affectionsuggestion]

Concept: going camping together. Just us. In a little tent. It’s chilly, but we have blankets. Making food on a little log fire. Gazing up at the starry sky at night and the pinky orange sunrise in the morning.

[beckysjournal-blog]

I can't believe that I'm having this struggle right now

It's been a while since I have felt super insecure about myself, and it honestly sucks. I hate feeling like I'm not pretty enough. I hate the feeling of being overweight. Sometimes I feel like the reason why I'm not in a relationship right now is because I'm not thin or pretty enough. I know that I shouldn't have those thoughts, but I do. And I know that I can/should workout and eat better to lose weight, but I can't do much with my messed up shoulder. It's so frustrating not being able to do normal without being in pain let alone not being able to workout. I hate feeling this way, and for the first time in years, I hate the way I look

[beckysjournal-blog]

Oh dear

Am I in love with a Marine???

[beckysjournal-blog]

Moving on

Some time ago I wrote that I missed you. And I did, but I realized that it was the old you I missed. That is someone I can't get back, and I'm okay with that. I don't need you anymore; I just need Jesus. I'm done with you. I'm moving on, and I am so happy

[beckysjournal-blog]

I truly miss you

Its been four months since the split, and three months since I found out about you and Amber. I'm not entirely sure if I miss being in a romantic relationship with you. You were my best friend, and that went out the window. I miss our friendship, and I think that's the worst part about all of this...

[beckysjournal-blog]

I have some news about work

But I'm not allowed to share it quite yet on the off chance that my current coworkers find this thing... But in due time I suppose

[beckysjournal-blog]

of course

So I kind of started developing a crush on someone, and I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend. My life man....

[beckysjournal-blog]

three months

Well, almost three months. In a few days it'll be three months since you said that we needed to take a break. Three months since we should have gotten engaged. It'll be a month since I found out that you started seeing someone else, someone I was really close to. Someone you said you had no feelings for whatsoever. In just a few months my whole life changed. Maybe the person I'm supposed to marry is someone I haven't met yet, or someone I've known for some time. Whatever the case, I'm not going to be blinded by the hurt, by the pain, by the betrayal, or by the loss I experienced because of you both. People are already waiting for this to end. People day that this is the dumbest and biggest mistake of your life. I guess we'll find out in a few years. But until then, I'm not letting you control me anymore. I'm not going to let you get me down. I am strong. I will make it. I will move on.

[beckysjournal-blog]

I miss you

I miss who you were. I miss what we had. Making myself move on has been difficult. I didn't just lose the love of my life, I lost my best friend. The amount of betrayal and loss is so overwhelming. I'm trying to not let this get me down. I'm trying to let go and move on. There is no point in holding on to what cannot be, but the loss I have experienced through this break up has been tremendous. I believed you. I believed every promise you made. I believed your love. I was left standing with broken promises while you went off and began to make new ones with someone else. You made me promise that it would be you and me until the end. I kept the promise. You didn't.

[beckysjournal-blog]

You broke me

We made plans to spend the rest of our lives together. You bought me a ring. You planned everything. Everyone was so happy for us. But now I am nothing but something in your rear view mirror. I am nothing but a memory. Nothing but another girl you've been with in every sense of the word. I am someone you broke.