It's been over a year since I've updated this blog, so I might as well use it for something.
The topic I'm about to express my thoughts on is very personal, and may be triggering to some.
I am fairly certain I have an eating disorder (possibly bulimia). But I don't really know what to do about it.
For the past five years (at least since the beginning of vet school, if not later), I have struggled with a variation of binge eating and fasting as a coping mechanism for stress/anxiety. More recently, I have barely been able to eat more than one meal a day. These meals, when they do happen, consist of water and severely restricted portions of food that would not normally keep me full.
As an example, I'm used to eating a cup of rice and steamed mixed veggies with either two boneless skinless chicken thighs or 6 oz of baked salmon. Last night, all I had was about 1/4 cup of rice (veggies chopped in) and one thigh.
It doesn't sound too bad on its own. But you have to take into account the fact that I only had two bites of a small apple for breakfast, I did not eat lunch, and that was the first time this week that I had what could be considered more than one meal in a day.
In the past, I have expressed jealousy for others that suffer from anorexia because all I have wanted in my life is to be skinny. And I know it's horrible to say that. But I'm being completely honest here. So when I realized I had this issue, a small part of me was actually relieved because my first thought was, well at least I'll get skinny now. Of course, after several years of suffering from this I've realized my body type for whatever reason won't let that happen. But that doesn't stop my brain from wanting it to work. And it doesn't keep me from doing it. Half the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.
And it's not even like I'm picky with food or anything. I fuckin love food. Like...I Love Food. I love cooking it, I love baking it, and I loveloveLOVE eating it. So it's this really painful war of wanting to eat but not feeling like I deserve it, and then laying in bed feeling the hunger eat up my stomach to the point where I feel nauseated, and then STILL not going to get food. And then after not having anything to eat all day, sometimes finally giving in and getting a poptart or making scrambled eggs in the middle of the night. Sometimes. Other times I fall asleep trying to decide whether it's worth it.
Today, I had the great fortune of getting a free breakfast from my apartment complex. They were giving out chicken sandwiches and orange juice, and I already had my apple with me so I was excited! I ate half the sandwich and half the apple, then went to my hair appointment. Where I promptly vomited all of my free breakfast into the toilet (unrelated reason; I didn't force myself to vomit). And now I'm back in bed, wondering if I should--no, knowing that I should be trying to eat something else because I'm hungry but not making any move to do so.
I know my partner is greatly concerned. I am too; it's never been this bad. But I don't have a PCP where I am besides the student health center, and I don't feel comfortable enough to ask anyone there for help. Besides, I'm in the process of filing for medical leave, which means their health insurance will be void. I can't even ask my parents for help; I've brought up my worry to my mother about having an eating disorder and....let's just say that her response wasn't exactly helpful.
I'm honestly at a loss. Idk if anyone out there has advice (and made it to the end of this long ass post lol), I would really appreciate it. Otherwise, thanks for reading.
